Page 5 | AIBU about the is feedback on my catering?

Eminencegreige · 2025-05-18T20:26:32+00:00

At Easter we had two friends, people we've known for some years and met at other's houses, come to stay with us. They brought with them their young adult son. They arrived on the Thursday at around 3pm and I offered them some home-made cake. I don't often make cake, but they'd had a long journey and it was Easter and so I baked. The father and son ate most of the cake between them and said how good it was. We had G+Ts and nibbles at 6pm and not long after 7pm I served a lasagne with a salad and some garlic bread on the side. The recipe said it fed 10 and there were five of us. DH and I took decent-sized portions and the three of them finished up the rest, including all the garlic bread. I wasn't sure whether they were fans of dessert, but I'd bought a lemon tart in case they were. DH and I shared a quarter of the lemon tart with with some strawberries and cream and our guests had a quarter each. After that I jokingly asked if anyone would like cheese and the father and son had cheese and biscuits. They were very complimentary about all the food, said how lovely it was, which was very kind of them, but it was a bit alarming seeing how much they ate. Next morning for breakfast I offered fresh fruit, muesli and granola/ cereals and yoghurt. Jokingly, after the men had finished off large bowls and had seconds, I offered toast and eggs and they had the best part of a loaf between them, and two scrambled eggs each... And so it went on. They seemed to love cake, so over the weekend I baked another two and they ate them. They had a big cooked breakfast each morning and seemed to love puddings, so I made a pudding each evening, and they poured huge amounts of cream and custard over them. We had a lovely weekend and I enjoyed having them here, but the food situation felt very stressful. One evening they took us out to eat at a local gastro-pub and it was noticeable that they ate less there because there were fixed portions. This weekend we had someone else, who knows us all, stay for a couple of nights. She arrived and asked me where her cake was, which was bizarre because she's someone who doesn't eat cake. Turned out she'd heard from our Easter guests about their gargantuan feasts and all the cake and puddings on offer. Apparently the Easter friends had told her and others that I love feeding people and they'd been plied with cake and puddings. I didn't force them on them, I offered! The woman friend who came at Easter had posted on one What's App conversation about needing to go on the Fast 800 after her long weekend with us. The friend who was here this weekend said that I went wrong when I offered them a pudding each evening and cake when they got back from walks or trips to places of interest. She said that if I offer people cake then I shouldn't be surprised if they eat it — all of it. I feel weirded out by the whole thing. I don't want anyone to go hungry when they stay in my home, but if I was offering too much food they could have eaten moderately and I would have scaled things back. I didn't force them to eat so much. AIBU to offer cake and pudding to guests?

Original poster

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:48

Walkaround · 19/05/2025 08:18

They were greedy, felt bad about being greedy, felt the need to say in public to the world that they don’t normally eat that much. They clearly love your food. Yes, it was incredibly greedy to eat the entire cake in one go. I certainly would not have baked them another one after that, but you were being an unusually good host. It is not a good host’s job to watch their guests’ waistlines for them, it’s for the guests not to be greedy pigs.

The only issue I would have is if the host had an eating disorder and got pleasure from being secretly disgusted by the amount of food their guests were consuming, whilst constantly plying the guests with food - I have met a few people like that, and it is simultaneously annoying and sad that their only pleasure around food is cooking nice food which they deny themselves and then revel in judging others for actually eating. It does not sound like that applies to you.

Thanks for that. I don't think I have an eating disorder. I have a tendency to put on weight, particularly now I'm older and a bit less active, so I try to control the size of the portions I serve myself, but I still have a piece of cake or whatever if I fancy it. DH and I do tend, when we're here on our own, to have fewer carbs and, as I've said, we don't have desserts. But I think that's fairly normal these days, isn't it?

If my guests had eaten heartily and just said 'Fab food, thanks' all would be fine. As I keep saying, it's the fact that they ate heartily and then blamed me for the fact they'd eaten too much that rankles. I put food on the table but they didn't have to eat it all.

OP posts:

ChickenEggChicken · 19/05/2025 08:44

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:18

Try thinking about this from a host's point of view. You've planned meals and bought ingredients for them. You've done your calculations on allowing everyone a decent portion and ensuring that there's some choice and no one goes hungry. I think perhaps the experienced hosts here can see the issues and the people who don't host are a bit shocked to realise that hosts do have half an eye on what they eat, and how much they eat, because the host is providing the food.

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We have people to stay all the time, I suspect far more than you do, because you seem to have found feeding them so stressful, which implies it’s a rarity for you. Anyone staying with us (and these have included the teenage sons of overseas friends who are elite rowers and stayed a week doing an internship on a few occasions, with vast appetites) generally just gets an expanded version of whatever we were having. Breakfast is always just toast and coffee, for instance, or the contents of the fruit bowl and yoghurt. It’s never even occurred to me to make visitors three cakes in three days. We don’t often have dessert.

We also stay a lot with other people, having lived overseas for a long time, so lots of scattered friends in different places, and no one is pouring food into guests as you describe, while resenting it and getting stressed about quantities.

The only person I know who could accurately be described as a ‘feeder’ is my mother, but that’s because of her own psychological quirks which mean she thinks people are being ‘polite’ if they say they’ve already eaten and are full, and just ignores it.

threenaancurrywhore · 19/05/2025 08:30

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:18

Try thinking about this from a host's point of view. You've planned meals and bought ingredients for them. You've done your calculations on allowing everyone a decent portion and ensuring that there's some choice and no one goes hungry. I think perhaps the experienced hosts here can see the issues and the people who don't host are a bit shocked to realise that hosts do have half an eye on what they eat, and how much they eat, because the host is providing the food.

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It’s a weird assumption to make that the posters who agree with you are experienced hosts, while those of us who don’t agree must never have hosted or catered.

All I know is you’ve twice had your hosting/catering critiqued for being a feeder – after your friend’s party, and this family’s visit – while I’ve never had such feedback. Maybe the common denominator here isn’t “hosting expertise”, as you think, but you?

Oriunda · 19/05/2025 08:26

The young adult is simply an adult, with an appetite to match. If they arrived at 3pm, after a long journey, I would have thought they’d be starving,

Whilst it sounds like you fed them enough, after the ‘joking’ offers of more food, I’m not sure that I would have offered just granola and yoghurt as a breakfast.

You sound a bit obsessed with food portions, and I’m surprised that you’re surprised at the quantity of food eaten.

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:24

Rizzla · 19/05/2025 08:21

I don’t think people really think this OP, but it’s mumsnet and people love a pile-on and being contrary to what the OP thinks!

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And there's always someone with a pick-me attitude to berate all those who dare to disagree with the OP 😅.

whitewineandsun · 19/05/2025 08:23

You're being quite outing about them on a public thread, which likely will be picked up by the press. You may not have to worry about them enjoying your food again.

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:22

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:18

Try thinking about this from a host's point of view. You've planned meals and bought ingredients for them. You've done your calculations on allowing everyone a decent portion and ensuring that there's some choice and no one goes hungry. I think perhaps the experienced hosts here can see the issues and the people who don't host are a bit shocked to realise that hosts do have half an eye on what they eat, and how much they eat, because the host is providing the food.

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"The people who don't host" - you keep making these ridiculous assumptions about people.

Rizzla · 19/05/2025 08:21

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:57

Thank you. My mind is blown by the number of people who seem to think that if they stay with a friend for a day or two, and that friend offers them cake, or lays out a few breakfast items for them to help themselves from, it's a requirement of being a good guest to eat the lot.

It makes me want to experiment. I mean, at what point would my Easter guests have said no, they'd had enough? If I'd made a lasagne to feed 20, would they have managed five portions each? Would they have thought they'd failed as good guests if they'd only managed four portions each and there were two left in the dish?

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I don’t think people really think this OP, but it’s mumsnet and people love a pile-on and being contrary to what the OP thinks!

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:20

No good host offers food jokingly.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 19/05/2025 08:20

MrsEverest · 19/05/2025 01:51

Do you have issues with food?

I'd find it really really strange if someone served a dessert by giving us each a hefty piece then splitting the same sized piece between two. Why not just cut it into how many serves it's meant to make, everyone takes one and can have more if there's any left over? You also seem very fixated on noting the quantity everyone eats, weirdly 'jokingly' offered scrambled eggs and half-heartedly offered cheese and biscuits then both times judged the guests for taking up your offer, and use pejorative phrases like 'pigging out'. Your OP reads as though you gazed at them open-mouthed all weekend, astonished that people could eat so much.

This!

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:19

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:18

Try thinking about this from a host's point of view. You've planned meals and bought ingredients for them. You've done your calculations on allowing everyone a decent portion and ensuring that there's some choice and no one goes hungry. I think perhaps the experienced hosts here can see the issues and the people who don't host are a bit shocked to realise that hosts do have half an eye on what they eat, and how much they eat, because the host is providing the food.

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No. I'm an experienced host and I totally disagree with you. Your attitude is really weird I'm afraid.

Walkaround · 19/05/2025 08:18

They were greedy, felt bad about being greedy, felt the need to say in public to the world that they don’t normally eat that much. They clearly love your food. Yes, it was incredibly greedy to eat the entire cake in one go. I certainly would not have baked them another one after that, but you were being an unusually good host. It is not a good host’s job to watch their guests’ waistlines for them, it’s for the guests not to be greedy pigs.

The only issue I would have is if the host had an eating disorder and got pleasure from being secretly disgusted by the amount of food their guests were consuming, whilst constantly plying the guests with food - I have met a few people like that, and it is simultaneously annoying and sad that their only pleasure around food is cooking nice food which they deny themselves and then revel in judging others for actually eating. It does not sound like that applies to you.

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:18

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:13

They bought half a case of wine, some beer, chocolates and a bottle of very nice home-made rhubarb gin, so I'd say they were pretty generous.

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It's great you are supplying all these details, this way they'll recognise themselves on here and steer clear of your judgmental hospitality in future.

Original poster

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:18

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:08

Stop offering food "jokingly". It's a really horrible thing to do, as if you're trying to catch your guests out in a faux pas.

And stop monitoring their food intake; that's incredibly rude.

If a friend told someone "I jokingly offered Matilda a biscuit with her coffee and SHE ATE FIVE!!!!", I'd be really hacked off.

Try thinking about this from a host's point of view. You've planned meals and bought ingredients for them. You've done your calculations on allowing everyone a decent portion and ensuring that there's some choice and no one goes hungry. I think perhaps the experienced hosts here can see the issues and the people who don't host are a bit shocked to realise that hosts do have half an eye on what they eat, and how much they eat, because the host is providing the food.

OP posts:

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:16

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/05/2025 08:13

You come across as frankly unpleasant

That's unkind and uncalled for.

She's monitoring her guests' food intake and bitching about them to all and sundry!

Zezet · 19/05/2025 08:15

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/05/2025 08:13

You come across as frankly unpleasant

That's unkind and uncalled for.

I don't think so!

She has been slagging off her guests in increasingly pejorative terms. I think that is unpleasant and judgy.

I also don't think it's uncalled for because she is here to ask if she is unreasonable and my answer is: YANBU in how you host, YABVU in how you judge your guests after the fact. It's bang on the subject of the thread.

Original poster

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:13

RosesAndHellebores · 19/05/2025 08:05

They sound like greedy pigs who took advantage the piss out of your hospitality. And ill mannered to boot. Now they are trying to turn their greediness and bad manners onto you. It's a nasty little human trait. Rise above it.

If they come again, plate up rather than let them help themselves. Give them a slice of cake and put the cake back in the tin. Stop offering more.

Out of interest, what did they bring for their host: chocolates, wine, flowers? I would put money on them coming empty or meanly handed. That type usually do in my experience.

It says more about them than you @Eminencegreige

They bought half a case of wine, some beer, chocolates and a bottle of very nice home-made rhubarb gin, so I'd say they were pretty generous.

OP posts:

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/05/2025 08:13

You come across as frankly unpleasant

That's unkind and uncalled for.

FortyElephants · 19/05/2025 08:08

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:05

This is weird. If I had guests and offered them food I wouldn’t get annoyed that they accepted the offer. But I wouldn’t be making 3 cakes in a weekend or offering a second breakfast after the first.

So, if your usual pattern when hosting people was to offer some cake and a mug of tea when people came back from a long walk or a day out sightseeing, and you made a cake that would cut into 12 reasonable size slices thinking that it would last at least a couple of days, and the guests ate most of the cake on day one.... would you serve them those two slices the following day, to share among three, and then not offer any food on subsequent afternoons because they'd eaten all the cake they were going to get? Or would you, as I did, make another cake?

I'm not begrudging them their cake, by the way. It's nice when people are enthusiastic about something you've made. But to then accuse me of being obsessed with cake and overfeeding them — that's what rankles.

Personally I would have served everyone a slice of cake and put the cake back in the kitchen. And no, if they'd somehow eaten a whole cake in an afternoon I wouldn't have baked another cake or multiple cakes so they could eat them too. It's too much. You shouldn't have jokingly offered more food either, that was weird. They are clearly feasters which is fine I guess but they do sound greedy and it doesn't sound like they contributed much to the stay in the way of food themselves?

Heronwatcher · 19/05/2025 08:08

People are weird about food.

But yes purely for my own sanity I really can’t see myself baking three cakes and serving them with cream and custard over a weekend. I think a cup of coffee and a nice biscuit or a fruit salad would have been more than enough after cake #1 disappeared.

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:08

Stop offering food "jokingly". It's a really horrible thing to do, as if you're trying to catch your guests out in a faux pas.

And stop monitoring their food intake; that's incredibly rude.

If a friend told someone "I jokingly offered Matilda a biscuit with her coffee and SHE ATE FIVE!!!!", I'd be really hacked off.

Zezet · 19/05/2025 08:07

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RosesAndHellebores · 19/05/2025 08:05

They sound like greedy pigs who took advantage the piss out of your hospitality. And ill mannered to boot. Now they are trying to turn their greediness and bad manners onto you. It's a nasty little human trait. Rise above it.

If they come again, plate up rather than let them help themselves. Give them a slice of cake and put the cake back in the tin. Stop offering more.

Out of interest, what did they bring for their host: chocolates, wine, flowers? I would put money on them coming empty or meanly handed. That type usually do in my experience.

It says more about them than you @Eminencegreige

Original poster

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:05

This is weird. If I had guests and offered them food I wouldn’t get annoyed that they accepted the offer. But I wouldn’t be making 3 cakes in a weekend or offering a second breakfast after the first.

So, if your usual pattern when hosting people was to offer some cake and a mug of tea when people came back from a long walk or a day out sightseeing, and you made a cake that would cut into 12 reasonable size slices thinking that it would last at least a couple of days, and the guests ate most of the cake on day one.... would you serve them those two slices the following day, to share among three, and then not offer any food on subsequent afternoons because they'd eaten all the cake they were going to get? Or would you, as I did, make another cake?

I'm not begrudging them their cake, by the way. It's nice when people are enthusiastic about something you've made. But to then accuse me of being obsessed with cake and overfeeding them — that's what rankles.

OP posts:

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/05/2025 08:04

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 07:55

Thank you. I don't think I can be such a terrible host because people do come back regularly.

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I'd come and stay! It sounds fab.