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Original poster

AIBU about the is feedback on my catering?

240 replies

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 21:26

At Easter we had two friends, people we've known for some years and met at other's houses, come to stay with us. They brought with them their young adult son.

They arrived on the Thursday at around 3pm and I offered them some home-made cake. I don't often make cake, but they'd had a long journey and it was Easter and so I baked. The father and son ate most of the cake between them and said how good it was. We had G+Ts and nibbles at 6pm and not long after 7pm I served a lasagne with a salad and some garlic bread on the side. The recipe said it fed 10 and there were five of us. DH and I took decent-sized portions and the three of them finished up the rest, including all the garlic bread. I wasn't sure whether they were fans of dessert, but I'd bought a lemon tart in case they were. DH and I shared a quarter of the lemon tart with with some strawberries and cream and our guests had a quarter each. After that I jokingly asked if anyone would like cheese and the father and son had cheese and biscuits. They were very complimentary about all the food, said how lovely it was, which was very kind of them, but it was a bit alarming seeing how much they ate.

Next morning for breakfast I offered fresh fruit, muesli and granola/ cereals and yoghurt. Jokingly, after the men had finished off large bowls and had seconds, I offered toast and eggs and they had the best part of a loaf between them, and two scrambled eggs each... And so it went on.

They seemed to love cake, so over the weekend I baked another two and they ate them. They had a big cooked breakfast each morning and seemed to love puddings, so I made a pudding each evening, and they poured huge amounts of cream and custard over them.

We had a lovely weekend and I enjoyed having them here, but the food situation felt very stressful. One evening they took us out to eat at a local gastro-pub and it was noticeable that they ate less there because there were fixed portions.

This weekend we had someone else, who knows us all, stay for a couple of nights. She arrived and asked me where her cake was, which was bizarre because she's someone who doesn't eat cake. Turned out she'd heard from our Easter guests about their gargantuan feasts and all the cake and puddings on offer. Apparently the Easter friends had told her and others that I love feeding people and they'd been plied with cake and puddings. I didn't force them on them, I offered! The woman friend who came at Easter had posted on one What's App conversation about needing to go on the Fast 800 after her long weekend with us.

The friend who was here this weekend said that I went wrong when I offered them a pudding each evening and cake when they got back from walks or trips to places of interest. She said that if I offer people cake then I shouldn't be surprised if they eat it — all of it. I feel weirded out by the whole thing. I don't want anyone to go hungry when they stay in my home, but if I was offering too much food they could have eaten moderately and I would have scaled things back. I didn't force them to eat so much. AIBU to offer cake and pudding to guests?

OP posts:
Namechangefordaughterevasion · 19/05/2025 11:36

I am an excellent cook and a small eater - rather like the OP.

if I were the OP I'd be very flattered if people found my food so delicious they overindulged. I certainly wouldn't judge them for it.

I'm not sure how offering cheese and biscuits at the end of a meal can be a joke. It's a perfectly normal thing to do. I don't get the humour in that at all. If I

373849595d · 19/05/2025 11:33

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latetothefisting · 19/05/2025 11:31

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 19/05/2025 00:00

no need to twist the OP's word.

She says that she offered lots of food, but then got annoyed when she got negative comments about it. She never said the food was not too be eaten!

What words am I twisting? Where she referred to their "gargantuan meals?" Or their "pigging out"? Or "It was alarming to see how much they ate" (at that point they'd only had ONE meal!) Or "the food situation felt very stressful" or "they went for it with a vengeance" or "I expect a bit of moderation from guests?"

None of that is about what they said afterwards, it's all about how much they ate, and it's judgy and unpleasant.

I wouldn't talk about someone I disliked like that, let alone friends!

And the whole point is that she didn't get "negative comments" about it! She's hearing about it second hand, and even then the worst that they apparently said is that she gave them lots of delicious food and they ate it...which is exactly what happened.

Theshallows1167 · 19/05/2025 11:24

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:18

Try thinking about this from a host's point of view. You've planned meals and bought ingredients for them. You've done your calculations on allowing everyone a decent portion and ensuring that there's some choice and no one goes hungry. I think perhaps the experienced hosts here can see the issues and the people who don't host are a bit shocked to realise that hosts do have half an eye on what they eat, and how much they eat, because the host is providing the food.

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This is madness to me, if you say you’ve carefully planned each meal and bought the ingredients etc then WHY offer them anything else after??? This is all your doing. Did at any point they ASK you for more food other than the stuff you offered them? Yes you said they ate more of the desserts than you anticipated so that may be slightly annoying but the rest is on you for offering.

Theshallows1167 · 19/05/2025 11:17

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:05

This is weird. If I had guests and offered them food I wouldn’t get annoyed that they accepted the offer. But I wouldn’t be making 3 cakes in a weekend or offering a second breakfast after the first.

So, if your usual pattern when hosting people was to offer some cake and a mug of tea when people came back from a long walk or a day out sightseeing, and you made a cake that would cut into 12 reasonable size slices thinking that it would last at least a couple of days, and the guests ate most of the cake on day one.... would you serve them those two slices the following day, to share among three, and then not offer any food on subsequent afternoons because they'd eaten all the cake they were going to get? Or would you, as I did, make another cake?

I'm not begrudging them their cake, by the way. It's nice when people are enthusiastic about something you've made. But to then accuse me of being obsessed with cake and overfeeding them — that's what rankles.

If the cake was all gone on day one I would
not make another cake no. I would offer biscuits with tea instead or just tea.

Baffling to me how you “jokingly” offered them more food not just once, but multiple times!

In a way you did over feed them, you were probably just trying to be a good host, and they were probably trying to be polite and eat all your delicious home cooking. In this situation if the food wasn’t offered then I don’t think they would have asked for more would they?

TinyTempest · 19/05/2025 10:47

LilDeVille · 19/05/2025 10:44

OP's own fault for cooking 3 cakes, isn't it? Her husband is sensible for not doing so if you ask me.

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True, but the sense of martyrdom is strong.

LilDeVille · 19/05/2025 10:44

TinyTempest · 19/05/2025 10:41

Perhaps the food situation would've been less stressful, if her husband shared the cooking?

All through the thread it's been about the OP cooking only.

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OP's own fault for cooking 3 cakes, isn't it? Her husband is sensible for not doing so if you ask me.

TinyTempest · 19/05/2025 10:41

LilDeVille · 19/05/2025 10:38

We had a lovely weekend and I enjoyed having them here, but the food situation felt very stressful. One evening they took us out to eat at a local gastro-pub and it was noticeable that they ate less there because there were fixed portions.

Well exactly. Stop 'jokingly' offering stuff... how weird.... stop offering stuff you're not willing to give, maybe they were eating to be polite.

Edited

Perhaps the food situation would've been less stressful, if her husband shared the cooking?

All through the thread it's been about the OP cooking only.

LilDeVille · 19/05/2025 10:38

We had a lovely weekend and I enjoyed having them here, but the food situation felt very stressful. One evening they took us out to eat at a local gastro-pub and it was noticeable that they ate less there because there were fixed portions.

Well exactly. Stop 'jokingly' offering stuff... how weird.... stop offering stuff you're not willing to give, maybe they were eating to be polite.

dairydebris · 19/05/2025 10:34

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:08

Stop offering food "jokingly". It's a really horrible thing to do, as if you're trying to catch your guests out in a faux pas.

And stop monitoring their food intake; that's incredibly rude.

If a friend told someone "I jokingly offered Matilda a biscuit with her coffee and SHE ATE FIVE!!!!", I'd be really hacked off.

Agree with this.

Making sure you have enough yummy food for guests = great host.

Complaining that your friends ate so much of the yummy food you offered them = really rude.

I'd probably do similar at your house, your food sounds amazing and generous and I'd definitely overeat then joke about it afterwards. Id say thankyou lots too! And tell everyone what a lovely time we had.

But then if you posted online about how greedy I'd been and how you were only joking when you offered more.... that'd be very rude and I'd definitely be offended. And not feel comfy at yours anymore.

Goditsmemargaret · 19/05/2025 10:28

The quantities of food consumed are off the charts. They had about four breakfasts in one sitting.

Personally I think they got home, realised they had gained about half a stone and took to SM to make a complimentary joke of it.

The next visitor is a weirdo.

Pickledpeanuts · 19/05/2025 10:16

Everyone sounds a bit odd here, though you do sound like a generous host.
If they didn't want more they should have said, though I think they were most likely delighted with your cooking and joking that it was hard to turn down anything offered.
If you are used to hosting you must have realised they were eating loads, so I don't get why you "jokingly offered more" and didn't expect them to say yes? Or kept baking every day? No sane guest actually expects a cake each day. Most would accept the slice served, and say yes again when offered another the next day.

Your sense of humour doesn't seem well matched with theirs - or with previous party goers. Most would take those comment's as a light hearted complementary reflection on being a generous host, rather than a suggestion that you've been strapping them down and forcefeeding them. Appreciate you're upset here but it really doesn't sound like they were trying to insult you

Ifpicklesweretickles · 19/05/2025 09:55

You host too much. What unpleasant men.

Bunty27 · 19/05/2025 09:48

Can I come and stay! Honestly you’re not a hotel are you? I used to go to that level of effort but some people are all take take take , but you do sound like the definition of insanity, younshiiidnhave stopped and gone out more to eat. You must have been exhausted after hosting them!

TorroFerney · 19/05/2025 09:42

ChickenEggChicken · 18/05/2025 22:17

But if you ‘expect moderation from guests’, why did you keep producing cakes and desserts, or semi-jokily offering them eggs and toast as a second breakfast?

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Yes it’s like you are secretly testing them , if they said no to everything would you then be offended. It’s a bit of a no win for them!

andweallloveclover · 19/05/2025 09:29

mathanxiety · 18/05/2025 21:43

I can't understand why you kept on making food for them and baking extra cakes.

They had breakfast so you then made scrambled eggs - why?
They ate dessert so you baked - was it three extra cakes over the weekend? Why?

I mean, they enjoyed it, and they were complimentary about it (and it sounds delicious), but there was no need to keep on cooking the way you did. Why did you think you needed to do that?

This exactly ^

I am not sure why you kept making more cakes and making more puddings?

I know when I go to stay with someone and they especially make cakes and puddings etc then you feel obliged to have some even if you don't want any. Because it feels rude to turn down something that has specifically been made for you.

We have this when we go to the PIL. They make a nice meal for us but then its obvious MIL has spent time making pudding so we have some even if we are stuffed. Then later she offers cake with tea and again, we know she has made it specially so we feel obliged to have a piece.

I think they were saying they were well looked after and its obvious they really enjoyed your food but I think you have gone way over the top with trying to 'feed people'.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/05/2025 09:24

ForZanyAquaViewer · 18/05/2025 22:48

For goodness sake. Yes, those are all compliments. They’re clear and obvious compliments, and the fact that you’re interpreting them negatively is genuinely astonishing.

You asked if YWBU. Most of us think you are. Very much so. Is that impacting your views in any way, or do you remain convinced that these people are criticising you?

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How is being called a 'feeder' and telling OP that she is making everyone fat a compliment?

TasWair · 19/05/2025 09:11

I dunno, I'd just be a bit surprised at how much people can put away and I'd take their comments as compliments. You've been told over and over by different people that your food is irresistible, but you're offended by that. I think that strikes me as being indicative that you yourself maybe have issues around food. (I have an ED that is controlled now, and I see myself a lot in the way you're reacting to this.)

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 09:10

"She KEPT BAKING BLOODY CAKES!!" 😅

whynotmereally · 19/05/2025 09:03

If someone offered me cake I might feel obligated to have some (if they had made it for me) but if I wasn’t that hungry I just have a small slice with the meal I’d just eat what I wanted.

Either they felt pressured to eat food you had bought for them, maybe they don’t like waste. Or they reflected on their greediness and felt guilty so made you their scapegoat

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:58

Yet another AIBU where OP is unable to shift their viewpoint even a tiny bit and keeps doubling down.

villamariavintrapp · 19/05/2025 08:56

Yeh I think they felt awkward about how much they ate (you'd notice if you'd scoffed three cakes in a weekend!) and preemptively got in first as they didn't want you and your mutual friend discussing how greedy they'd been.

Fallenoutthewardrobe · 19/05/2025 08:56

The guests sound rude . If someone offers you cake everyone knows that means a slice, not finish the whole thing. If they had just had a slice then the cake would’ve lasted 2 days and you wouldn’t have had to keep baking.

Breakfast though you did offer something different so I think that’s on you!

There almost seems to be a bit of a clash here, I as a guest feel I need to clear my plate to show appreciation; you as a host think that if someone has cleared their plate you need to offer them more in case they are hungry! And so the cycle continues….

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:52

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:48

Thanks for that. I don't think I have an eating disorder. I have a tendency to put on weight, particularly now I'm older and a bit less active, so I try to control the size of the portions I serve myself, but I still have a piece of cake or whatever if I fancy it. DH and I do tend, when we're here on our own, to have fewer carbs and, as I've said, we don't have desserts. But I think that's fairly normal these days, isn't it?

If my guests had eaten heartily and just said 'Fab food, thanks' all would be fine. As I keep saying, it's the fact that they ate heartily and then blamed me for the fact they'd eaten too much that rankles. I put food on the table but they didn't have to eat it all.

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Is there any part of you that's willing to acknowledge how bloody weird it is to offer guests food "jokingly"?

ThatTipsyLemur · 19/05/2025 08:50

I know exactly how you feel OP. We often have friends to stay. One couple came to stay and sound like your friends. I laid out a buffet lunch with a selection of cheeses, cold meats, breads, salads etc. They ate loads. As I was clearing the table, they spotted some crackers in the kitchen and said 'ooh, they look nice, haven't tried those before'. My DH asked if they wanted to try one. They ate the whole packet. I usually over cater when guests come and then freeze leftovers but they ate everything. After the evening meal, I wasn't going to offer cheese and biscuits but they said 'is there cheese left over from lunch? That would be nice.' This sort of thing continued for their stay - 3 nights. We were shocked at how much they ate. And, just like you, I was so upset when she posted on Facebook afterwards that we had stuffed them to the point of bursting. As if we literally force fed them. We didn't make them eat so much!