Page 6 | To be a bit petty/spiteful

Tarunos · 2025-05-18T16:38:16+00:00

It’s a MIL one. MIL has a big birthday coming up, right in the middle of DDs important school dates, transition day etc. MIL is not local. MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text. DD has had some quite important tests recently and again no contact from MIL to wish DD good luck or ask how she’d got on. MIL is aware of the tests as her other GC are the same age and also doing them. We met up with MIL and FIL a few weeks ago and they were both very ignorant towards all our DC. DH and I were a little miffed. So now we have MIL big birthday coming. We’ve been asked to book a hotel for the weekend to celebrate. As I said it’s in the middle of DDs important school dates although a weekend. With everything that’s been building, I really feel like saying “no, DC and I will not be attending as it’s too much”. I know part of me is doing it to be petty, although I feel warranted and of course the other is genuinely DD will find it all stressful with everything else going on at school in the week before and after. AIBU to say no?

SockFluffInTheBath · 18/05/2025 20:07

@Tarunos life is far too short, fuck them off and put your DC first. They’re not interested, they couldn’t make it more clear.

Peachy2005 · 18/05/2025 20:07

Honestly just don’t go if it doesn’t suit you. Let your DH use whatever excuse works. Stop making so much effort! If you’re not close with them, you will hardly be missed anyway. Book a holiday of your choice next time too. Good luck x

HuffleMyPuffle · 18/05/2025 20:06

HuffleMyPuffle · 18/05/2025 19:41

Do the other DGC live closer?

Anyway all your updates dripfeeds sound like you'd be better just going no contact

So DO they live closer?

You've ignored this question

And yes, it's very overbearing to text every day about the kids at school.

Loub1987 · 18/05/2025 20:05

Tarunos · 18/05/2025 19:52

My DPs are very active in DCs lives and live very close to us. My mum texts me every morning and afternoon to check if DCs went to school ok and asks if they had a good day. Maybe overbearing but it’s appreciated she’s thinking of us. She does the same for my DBs children. My SIL has a lovely relationship with her and appreciates their role in her DCs lives.

DH and I were very aware that my parents would have more contact with our DCs and never wanted ILs to feel left out which is why we have made so much effort over the years and overcompensated for this.

My parents tell me to be the better person, do my best for DCs to have a relationship with them, but as it’s been pointed out it’s now negatively affecting DCs.

This all seems a bit much.

HuffleMyPuffle · 18/05/2025 20:05

Rycbar · 18/05/2025 20:01

SATS week has just gone so unless this is retrospective/next year I’m not sure it is?

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She says they didn't message about the test, not that the tests were why they couldn't go

TheignT · 18/05/2025 20:05

Tarunos · 18/05/2025 18:02

We have tried talking to them before, but we’ve been dismissed as being ridiculous. They really do not bother with our DC except when they want the big family gatherings where they live.
They are heavily involved in their other DGCs lives and as I said they are the same age as DD so will be well aware. They celebrate the other DGCs birthdays with them, attending their parties etc and now ours it seems aren’t even getting a call.

Friends have messaged asking how DD got on and wishing her well, friends that don’t have DC of the same age.

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Maybe they are expecting a call from your DD to say thank you for the gift and card?

IOSTT · 18/05/2025 20:02

If someone sends a parcel and a card for a birthday, they don’t need to call or text too!

Rycbar · 18/05/2025 20:01

3pointmountain · 18/05/2025 17:55

I think you're over inflating the importance of year 6 SATS.....

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SATS week has just gone so unless this is retrospective/next year I’m not sure it is?

Original poster

Tarunos · 18/05/2025 19:52

My DPs are very active in DCs lives and live very close to us. My mum texts me every morning and afternoon to check if DCs went to school ok and asks if they had a good day. Maybe overbearing but it’s appreciated she’s thinking of us. She does the same for my DBs children. My SIL has a lovely relationship with her and appreciates their role in her DCs lives.

DH and I were very aware that my parents would have more contact with our DCs and never wanted ILs to feel left out which is why we have made so much effort over the years and overcompensated for this.

My parents tell me to be the better person, do my best for DCs to have a relationship with them, but as it’s been pointed out it’s now negatively affecting DCs.

OP posts:

EquinoxQueen · 18/05/2025 19:48

Tarunos · 18/05/2025 19:37

DH has previously tried to discuss it with his parents. They have then essentially gaslighted him. He has said all his life they favoured his siblings. He hasn’t said anything to them about the birthday and hasn’t asked to be involved with the arrangements etc. Knowing him it will be a last minute decision. I doubt he will go without us. His parents will bully him into giving a good enough reason. He will use me and the children as his reason because he is tired of attempting to talk to them.

Well given that he has previously told them, why can’t he just say you already know the reason, and leave it at that.

they aren’t going to change and I’m surprised your children aren’t noticing the disparity in how the gp behave with their cousins.

stay at home, focus on what is important that weekend and think nothing more of it. Send a package and a card.

Poonu · 18/05/2025 19:44

Eff them
Don't waste another precious minute.
Send a card and gift.
Job done. Treat them like they treat you.

HuffleMyPuffle · 18/05/2025 19:41

Do the other DGC live closer?

Anyway all your updates dripfeeds sound like you'd be better just going no contact

Original poster

Tarunos · 18/05/2025 19:41

Notsosure1 · 18/05/2025 19:35

Did you invite them to celebrate her birthdays?

Also if it was DFIL’s bday would you take the same tack? He’s equally to blame for not contacting - it shouldn’t just be MIL’s responsibility or sin for not doing

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Yes we have invited them to all of DCs birthdays and offered to pay for their travel and accommodation. They haven’t been here for any. For DHs big birthdays we have been expected to travel there if we want them to celebrate with us.

We have the same issue with Father’s Day coming and it’s been suggested we visit and get a hotel as well as a meal. Father’s Day the week before MIL birthday celebrations. We are expected both weekends.

OP posts:

IchiNiSanShiGo · 18/05/2025 19:39

Honestly, I think you’re well within your rights to not go. Having read all your updates so far, it sounds like they don’t make any effort with your family. It’s not unreasonable for you to expect them to call and speak to your DD on her birthday. Asking about exams etc I don’t think it’s such a big deal.

We spend pretty much every school holiday visiting one set of GPs followed by the other GPs which I find really hard going, but they really appreciate the time they get to spend with their GC, they call on important dates, they message to ask how things are, they want to know all about school. They’re as involved as they can be given the distances involved. I would hugely resent the amount of time we spent visiting if it wasn’t reciprocated in other ways.

I think you could say to them that DH will attend for this event, but you and DD can’t make it. Then make some fun plans that don’t involve them for the next school holiday. I totally get why you’re trying so hard with them, but I think it’s time to back off a bit.

Original poster

Tarunos · 18/05/2025 19:37

DH has previously tried to discuss it with his parents. They have then essentially gaslighted him. He has said all his life they favoured his siblings. He hasn’t said anything to them about the birthday and hasn’t asked to be involved with the arrangements etc. Knowing him it will be a last minute decision. I doubt he will go without us. His parents will bully him into giving a good enough reason. He will use me and the children as his reason because he is tired of attempting to talk to them.

OP posts:

Notsosure1 · 18/05/2025 19:35

Tarunos · 18/05/2025 18:02

We have tried talking to them before, but we’ve been dismissed as being ridiculous. They really do not bother with our DC except when they want the big family gatherings where they live.
They are heavily involved in their other DGCs lives and as I said they are the same age as DD so will be well aware. They celebrate the other DGCs birthdays with them, attending their parties etc and now ours it seems aren’t even getting a call.

Friends have messaged asking how DD got on and wishing her well, friends that don’t have DC of the same age.

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Did you invite them to celebrate her birthdays?

Also if it was DFIL’s bday would you take the same tack? He’s equally to blame for not contacting - it shouldn’t just be MIL’s responsibility or sin for not doing

mondaytosunday · 18/05/2025 19:34

Huh? My in laws or even my parents wouldn’t think of calling on a birthday. They’d send a card and it cash/present (and I hope your child sent them a thank you card)!. Or wishing good luck on exams (unless seeing in person). I think you are being a bit precious.

TooGoodToGoto · 18/05/2025 19:32

thepariscrimefiles · 18/05/2025 19:28

No, she's upset because her children asked their grandparents to go on their team and they refused and joined the already larger team with their other grandchildren. They sound petty and spiteful towards their grandchildren.

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So why isn’t she dealing with that? Instead of using some petty excuse?

Thehop · 18/05/2025 19:30

Nah bollocks to her, they clearly don't favour your kids and just want you to dawn for photos. I wouldn't bother, I less the kids would enjoy seeing cousins.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/05/2025 19:28

ChickenEggChicken · 18/05/2025 18:56

You’re sounding more and more petty, spiteful and slightly unhinged with every post. Now you’re stoking up your personal feud with who picked who in laser tag teams?

OP, is this really the person you want to be?

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No, she's upset because her children asked their grandparents to go on their team and they refused and joined the already larger team with their other grandchildren. They sound petty and spiteful towards their grandchildren.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/05/2025 19:26

Tarunos · 18/05/2025 18:53

We went to laser tag with them and BIL, their children and partner. We needed two teams of equal number. They had enough in their team without MIL and FIL, so my DC said nana and grandpa come with us and dad on our team, it would have been equal as I was sat out. MIL and FIL said no and went with BIL family. DCs were then in the smaller and losing team and shunned by GPs

They sound mean, treating your DC like that. Don't go to MILs birthday party.

iseethembloom · 18/05/2025 19:25

Her big do is on a weekend so I’m not sure why it clashes with transition day. I think you’re being a bit mean.

Tekknonan · 18/05/2025 19:23

I am very close to my DGDs and I didn't message them to ask about their SATs. Why should I? DS and DIL didn't expect it. It just adds tension to something that stresses them anyway.

It's the same with birthdays - I send cards and presents, I don't bombard them with phone calls as well. I rather suspect that if your MIL did this, you'd be on here complaining about how intrusive she was.

I suspect a little exaggaration in your account of all the effort you have put into establishing a relationship over the last 20 years - why would you do all of that? Accept the relationship that's there. If it's genuinely cold and distant, then they are the ones who will miss out.

whitewineandsun · 18/05/2025 19:20

MoreChocPls · 18/05/2025 19:10

This behaviour is affecting ting your kids so just stop now. They don’t deserve to be wasting every holiday on. I wouldn’t go there for her birthday and I’d cut back. Hope your dd is ok.

Agree. Stop trying, OP. They don't care. Your children will continue to feel left out the longer this goes on. That's not fair to them. DH can go to the birthday if he wants. It's his mother.

BlossomMoon · 18/05/2025 19:13

You clearly don't like your PIL, and you come across as quite Martyr'ish in your posts... The way you describe the amount of time you've dedicated to seeing/visiting/hosting etc.

They quite possibly feel the same way about you. In fact from what you've described they really don't want to interact with you that much. You seem to force the issue though.
Maybe just accept that they're really just not that 'into you'. You seem very overbearing OP.
Maybe just focus on your family, and back off keep trying to control the relationships with you PIL.
Your over exaggeration of a lot of their behaviour is very telling.