To be a bit petty/spiteful

This!!

WTF are you doing paying for travel or collecting them if they drive and have a car??? that's bonkers. Plus, presumably they could take a train/hire a car etc etc. If they want to visit then they can sort themselves out.

Transition days and SATS will be a big deal to your child. I’d support them and let DH look after the rest.

So it’s perfectly ok for the grandparents to not bother with their own grandchildren because they have ‘other things going on’ (this is something I only ever see on MN IRL grandparents all seem to very much be interested and care for their grandchildren) but OP would somehow be at fault for them not having a relationship with the DC because she doesn’t go to the party?

That makes zero sense. I’m with you OP YANBU.

Have you not read any of OP’s subsequent posts? If not then I strongly suggest you do. You might think differently

Also I’m disgusted at all the posters on here, doing serious mental gymnastics in order to try find OP at fault somehow. Are you that desperate for a pile on? Stop being apologists for what is very clearly an appalling case of favouritism towards the other set of GDC and ‘black sheep’ behaviour towards OP’s DH & DC. It’s disgusting and the PPs trying to defend it are flat out shameful

People have lives ?? Just because your Mum does these things ??

I don't see how a weekend activity would impact her school activities? Surely she'd be home on Sunday in a reasonable time fir school the next morning?
Does you DH want to go? It is his mum so even if you and DD don't want to join in, he can go if he wishes surely?

YADNBU I wouldn’t bother with them at all! The utter cheek of them! Awful humans. That’s not being a grandparent, they sound awful.

Be petty if you like. I think it is fine. Feel free to drop the rope.

For whatever reason your PILs don't want the same relationship with you or your dcs with their other grandchildren despite your efforts over 20 years.

It is time to start pulling back and enjoying what you have with your own DPs. You cannot force a relationship on someone. You cannot force reciprocity. It is ok to start protecting yourself. Be breezy and nonchalant and internally flip them the bird.

i feel bad for your DC, GP should behave much better than this, specifically thinking of laser tag team - very unkind. I would match their energy and it’s not spiteful / petty imo sometimes you just reach the end of the road in terms of effort. I’m not suggesting no contact / low contact but just step back whether that’s after / before this big birthday is up to you. I would quietly step back and prioritize your own family for holidays, it sounds exhausting all this expectation from his family and not much by way of return in terms of consideration.

May I point out that if money is a factor, you should have emphasized it in your original post?
Still, isn't two days cheaper than a week? For that matter, for one or two days, couldn't you share the room? Then you can guilt-trip your MIL about how unconvenient it is. For that matter, if your husband isn't pleased, either, maybe he's the one who should deal with her.

This. Your daughter should have phoned gp to thank them

I think you have very engaged grandparents nearby which skews your view of those further away. Some of their "crimes" are minor. I wouldn't make contact about SATs and I'm pretty sure my own parents don't see /phone every birthday.

However as a wider pattern of behaviour clearly they are not as close to you and your family. Some of this will be the distance and you can't change that.

I'd agree to one weekend and not the other.

@Tarunos how far away do your inlaws live from you? why do you have to pay for their travel?????

I would stay at home with DC too OP. Your dh can attend if he wants to. This is clearly not just about them not calling to wish happy birthday or enquiring about exams , there seems to be double standard treatment between the grandchilden, your in laws can go eff themselves. I'd be going lc from now.

I think a call would be normal to wish happy birthday but also, the kid could have called to say thank you!

Oh just sack the lot of them off.

They sound hard work. Good GPs wouldn't need to be chased to show interest in their son or GCs.

I think it's really sad what they expect of you when your effort is not reciprocated.

Save the money and spend it on a nice holiday with your family. Invite your mum along and stop trying to be "fair" to PIL.

I really don't think it's being petty or spiteful at all to not go. Your DH's brother is so obviously the golden child and DH the scapegoat. Nothing you do will change that.
I would simply stop seeing them.
Actually I would have stopped seeing them years ago when all this first started.
My grandma always favoured my cousins - they got brand new presents and we got stuff from jumble sales. She would never babysit us but did it all the time for them. Left her to it.
My MIL actually favoured her niece over my DH and would go and visit every week but never came to us. Left her to it as well. DH would go and visit for an hour each weekend but I stopped going and stopped DS going too.

Maybe MiL was expecting a call from your DD to say thank you for the card and gift?

If DD is stressed about school tests and transition days its probably only because you're making such a big thing of them.

Good point. Did she @Tarunos ?

The same friend i mentioned above would never ask her kid (who had my number) to text me to say thank you for present but yet she was quick to complain if I didn’t make contact with her child. That was the last present I ever got for her kids.

Tired of people who just want more and more for their kids but fail to give the bare minimum in show of gratitude.

ETA: I see you’ve answered this already Op and your daughter did say thanks which is great. So many kids don’t.

I think if they don’t make an effort you should stop trying and take your kids on holiday somewhere nice rather than travel hundreds of miles to visit people who aren’t bothered about you. As for instructing you to book a hotel to celebrate her birthday I would say no thanks. I would let the lack of interest over SATS and transition days go though.

I had a friend like this. So entitled. I sent her kid £50 on her 13th birthday via my friends bank and I was seeing the kid a few days later. And it still wasn’t enough for her because I didn’t call.

She made digs about grandparents/aunties etc who didn’t bother to call her child on her actual birthday. I’m pretty sure it was aimed at me as her kids call me aunty.

Mind you she (my friend) rarely bothered to remember my birthday…or send me a present.