To be a bit petty/spiteful

@Tarunos it doesnt really sound like they want to spend any time with you, does it? have a car but you need to collect them? lazy shits!!

This is true

Your mil’s big birthday is more significant than SATs in the scheme of things.

Gransnet is here in force defending the indefensible.

Petty and spiteful? Tick. Tick. Yep, you got it.

It all sounds very unfair. Don't be petty for the sake of it though as no good comes from that, but if you don't want to go because of the past then don't. You're allowed!

Sometimes with things like this the anger at the continual injustice of it creates a self-sabotaging effect where you keep going back for more just to point out how awful the person is yet again. I don't know that that's what happening here, but it makes me wonder when they've clearly shown you how they want to behave and yet you do things like still offer to pay, let the teams be unfair on your kids etc. You go in knowing something will happen that you'll be furious about, but you walk in willingly anyway. Stop getting angry and just accept the crapness for what it is. Sometimes that might mean being the bigger person out of kindness and going to an event. Sometimes it might mean staying away because you know you'll feel too cross or you just can't deal with it. Sometimes it might be walking away in the midst of something to protect your children or to stand up for yourself.

Make a team effort with your DH to decide where your boundaries are for the kids benefit as you don't want them to feel second class in this mess.

I would be passing the message onto the school myself about the pressure they were putting my child under.

I’m seeing the problem…you!

How do you use SATS as a reason for not going to your MIL birthday party. And how is a transition day stressful. Insane.

the SATS are finished and mean nothing, they are to test that the school can teach to the curriculum, and they have absolutely zero bearing on how your child does in life.

if you (and your husband) continue to be bratty and ‘woe is me’ about not being the favourite, why would you expect to have a good relationship with your in-laws.

Thst sounds a lot like people pleading to me and op has described a one sided dynamic, that has been raised directly with them many times.

Of course all relationships look different, but both sides have to invest time, energy and effort into the relationship not just side, otherwise if breeds anger and resentment.

Given the distinct lack of effort made by them why should op and her dh go? Just to play a role and people please? It’s going to cost them nearly £1000!

It is common and likely that dh has been the black sheep all along and has had to live in this dynamic for his whole life, that is what op is saying if you read all of her posts. Dh has tried to address the issues with them - they have ignored him, and that is disrespectful.

No doubt dh feels sidelined and ignored, hurt by their lack of interest and effort in his family.

It would be best if op and her dh make much less effort. Cut back on the visits, stop paying for them to visit. Take the children on a proper holiday, and stop investing in people that don’t care about them.

Thar way they can maintain a distant, cordial fairly balanced relationship that is not harmful and painful, and full of resentment. As you said all relationships look different, and maybe it’s time to accept that this relationship doesn’t have much depth, love or richness despite the op’s best efforts.

Matching their energy and effort is the best way forward.

I suspect one issue here is measuring relationships only by your own version of what a relationship must be and perhaps not accepting what you have due to focussing on what you don’t. This tit for tat attitude of ‘I’ll only be interested if I get x, y and z’ is pretty selfish and unhealthy in my view. It gets dressed up as ‘putting me first’ but it sometimes seems to be an excuse to avoid life’s disappointments and differences of view. Perhaps your MIL has different priorities and things going on in her life too. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about your DD or that they can’t have a relationship. It’s just different to the one fantasised about.

When I was young I thought I would spend my sixties doing sweet fa and having a peaceful time but I have been busier than ever, caring for elderly parents etc. I wouldn’t have a clue about the significant dates of the younger generation.

My mum texts me every morning and afternoon to check if DCs went to school ok and asks if they had a good day

Good lord, I’d be setting my phone on fire to make it stop.

OK, YANBU to reject any invitation for any reason. It's not a summons (admittedly, some invitations do seem like summonses!)

YABU not to go for the reasons you originally said but, going by your updates, you're flogging a dead horse with this relationship anyway. DH is their least favourite son, so you're their least favourite DIL and your kids their least favourite GC. It is what it is.

Don't splash out on the party, do politely decline without reasons. Just sorry, won't be able to go, thanks for the invitation and have a lovely time. Do send a gift and card.

Lean back, take a deep breath, and enjoy your new mental picture of your family with this branch of it ---->> over there somewhere. Light-touch only 🙂

💯

My DC has had a very normal build up to SATS. Yes they naturally felt a little stressed on the Sunday,the tests are for the school not you as an individual. It's their first exams at 11 years old! To mark it so heavily with family adds unnecessary pressure in my opinion. It's sweet that friends have asked and they sent a card and a gift but it really is NOT the same as a milestone birthday.

To prove my point, ask how many 18 or 21 year olds can quote their SATS scores? I predict zero!

And those are 2 milestone birthdays way beyond SATS.

@Tarunos Sorry I meant to say I'm sorry that your DC have felt that pressure and anxiety. It wasn't at all necessary if it came from the teachers. I've not heard of post it's and revision cycles like this.

Older people also have busy lives and have to keep focussed on their own daily grind.
You are being petty.
They sent your DD a present and a card.
The party will be a great distraction for DD and help her relax and do well. Make sure she has good sleep the night before and after the party. She will have prepared for weeks.
Celebrating with MIL is more than just MIL. Don't you want to see the extended family?
Surely DD deserves to interact with her cousins, aunts etc and be part of the family.

From now on, take one family holiday per year that is totally indulgent in where you go. I think you are resentful that you, as a family, have forgotten to do that.

Just look at the thread title and the OP's first post. Plenty there to justify disagreement by posters. This is AIBU in case you hadn't noticed.

Cue lots of backstory that could have been put in the OP's first post in the first place. Quelle surprise.

Just back off from them, I grew up with my dads parents favouring my cousins more than me. My mum always was the one to make the effort to keep me in their lives. I really didn't care either way and still dont. I lovec my mums parents (my grandparents) and they loved me so that was enough.

I think you have unreasonable expectations, OP. I particular I think you fail to make allowances for the difference in proximity. Not being physically close by makes for a very different relationship, especially when children are involved. We're the poor cousins with our families in this regard, having moved abroad. My DP and DPIL are all closer to their other grandchildren. They sometimes forget to send presents for birthdays, they sometimes forget when something big has happened that they would remember for their other DGC. But they are closer to those GC because they see them weekly or more and it's down to DH and I that their relationship with our DC is weaker in the sense of them knowing each other well. They still love our DC and are happy when things go well for them, proud of their achievements and devastated when there is a big problem. But they don't remember every detail because we just aren't there. Words on a screen, or even pictures are nothing like the same as face-to-face contact. And this is especially true with children who change so much physically. Equally, we don't know as much about our DPs as our siblings do, though we love them too. It's unreasonable to expect someone to have the same knowledge of what's going on in your life if you aren't close by as they do for the people they see far more frequently. And that affects your relationships.

It may be that there's more going on here. You say they treated your DC ignorantly when they last saw them. Possibly that is something more than the impact of not seeing them often. But the birthday thing sounds, frankly, ridiculous on your part. The sent a card and a present, that's lovely of them and far more effort than a text or call on the day. So, again, it makes me think you really aren't giving them a fair shake.

@Tarunos

What's Einstein's definition of insanity? "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".

So why don't you just stop? You've been trying for years and nothing's changed. At this point I think you're just trying to prove to yourself 'See how they are?'.

Leave it up to your DH to deal with them as far as any future visits go. As far as her birthday, go or don't go because you do or do not want to. Refusing to go in order to 'make a point' is usually an exercise in futility. They'll either not care that you aren't there or it'll give them something juicy to chew on. Either way, who really cares?

I read through the updates before voting; you are definately not being unreasonable! Your DH, and by extension your DC, are not the Golden Ones, so to lift a bit of stress from DD give this event a swerve. Perhaps DH go alone if he feels he must; do you get ignored at gatherings in favour of siblings/DN&N? You live a long way away, do a lot to facilitate expensive in-person contact with the IL's, who seem to go out of their way to be awkward. So if your little family continue with phone and text contact, thanks for gifts/cards etc and visit when it is mutually convenient ( and reciprocated) then you have nothing to be critisised for. In wedding parlace, it's an invite, not a summons. Their loss, not yours.

If your DD had received a card and gift surely she should have been texting/ ringing her grandparents to thank them and not the other way around?

Yes they’re taken in the summer term of year 6 which is the final year of primary school in England.

Sorry I don't understand the English system - is this exams in primary school?!

you are making a ridiculous fuss over SATS

good grief i hate to think how you will approach GCSEs / A Levels etc .