To be a bit petty/spiteful

Tarunos · 2025-05-18T16:38:16+00:00

It’s a MIL one. MIL has a big birthday coming up, right in the middle of DDs important school dates, transition day etc. MIL is not local. MIL did not bother to contact DD on DDs birthday, however we received a parcel and card. No call or text. DD has had some quite important tests recently and again no contact from MIL to wish DD good luck or ask how she’d got on. MIL is aware of the tests as her other GC are the same age and also doing them. We met up with MIL and FIL a few weeks ago and they were both very ignorant towards all our DC. DH and I were a little miffed. So now we have MIL big birthday coming. We’ve been asked to book a hotel for the weekend to celebrate. As I said it’s in the middle of DDs important school dates although a weekend. With everything that’s been building, I really feel like saying “no, DC and I will not be attending as it’s too much”. I know part of me is doing it to be petty, although I feel warranted and of course the other is genuinely DD will find it all stressful with everything else going on at school in the week before and after. AIBU to say no?

Boreded · 21/05/2025 22:41

Tarunos · 19/05/2025 17:10

For further context and those saying SATs aren’t the big deal I’m making them out to be. I’ve been on Facebook and both SIL and MIL have posted photos from their family bbq captioned with celebrating the end of SATs week DGC has done very well and how proud they are. No mention of our DD also doing them etc.

We had a takeaway tea for DD with just us. As I said my mum calls and texts every day so had wished DD luck and of course called to say all done now etc. Not quite the fuss the cousins got from PIL.

I have digested so much of what has been posted, it is that so many incidents have happened and continue to happen. I do see the point that we are almost self sabotaging. I’m going to book Father’s Day weekend away for us all, not to be spiteful to in laws but to give DH a break and celebrate him rather than his father.

See this shit is the reason. Booking so that you definitely won’t be around for Father’s Day, but your SIL will be there so of course she will get more attention.

you are making your own trouble

EmeraldShamrock000 · 20/05/2025 07:34

Tarunos · 19/05/2025 17:10

For further context and those saying SATs aren’t the big deal I’m making them out to be. I’ve been on Facebook and both SIL and MIL have posted photos from their family bbq captioned with celebrating the end of SATs week DGC has done very well and how proud they are. No mention of our DD also doing them etc.

We had a takeaway tea for DD with just us. As I said my mum calls and texts every day so had wished DD luck and of course called to say all done now etc. Not quite the fuss the cousins got from PIL.

I have digested so much of what has been posted, it is that so many incidents have happened and continue to happen. I do see the point that we are almost self sabotaging. I’m going to book Father’s Day weekend away for us all, not to be spiteful to in laws but to give DH a break and celebrate him rather than his father.

Enjoy your weekend away with your family.
MIL is self-absorbed.
From a stranger, wishing DD well, congratulations to DD completing her exams, I am proud of her and her Mother for taking a stand against narc MIL. ❤️

Pickingdates · 20/05/2025 07:34

I can't believe you have prioritised his parents for two decades despite their disinterest, ahead of a family holiday.
Rubbing their nose for 2 decades in the disinterest.
I feel really sorry for your children.

No I wouldn't go and I wouldn't be travelling any time soon again.
Send your weak husband.
Bring your children on a real holiday.
Bloody hell.

Feetinthegrass · 20/05/2025 07:26

Tarunos · 19/05/2025 17:10

For further context and those saying SATs aren’t the big deal I’m making them out to be. I’ve been on Facebook and both SIL and MIL have posted photos from their family bbq captioned with celebrating the end of SATs week DGC has done very well and how proud they are. No mention of our DD also doing them etc.

We had a takeaway tea for DD with just us. As I said my mum calls and texts every day so had wished DD luck and of course called to say all done now etc. Not quite the fuss the cousins got from PIL.

I have digested so much of what has been posted, it is that so many incidents have happened and continue to happen. I do see the point that we are almost self sabotaging. I’m going to book Father’s Day weekend away for us all, not to be spiteful to in laws but to give DH a break and celebrate him rather than his father.

Your dh certainly needs to feel loved and appreciated for once. Good decision.

RockyRogue1001 · 19/05/2025 19:46

Tarunos · 19/05/2025 17:10

For further context and those saying SATs aren’t the big deal I’m making them out to be. I’ve been on Facebook and both SIL and MIL have posted photos from their family bbq captioned with celebrating the end of SATs week DGC has done very well and how proud they are. No mention of our DD also doing them etc.

We had a takeaway tea for DD with just us. As I said my mum calls and texts every day so had wished DD luck and of course called to say all done now etc. Not quite the fuss the cousins got from PIL.

I have digested so much of what has been posted, it is that so many incidents have happened and continue to happen. I do see the point that we are almost self sabotaging. I’m going to book Father’s Day weekend away for us all, not to be spiteful to in laws but to give DH a break and celebrate him rather than his father.

Good for you

I find your posts really sad and I feel so sorry for you, your DH and your DC. I'm glad your family are supportive .

Definitely time for a reset and a new way of doing things!
Good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/05/2025 19:13

@Tarunos

I have digested so much of what has been posted, it is that so many incidents have happened and continue to happen. I do see the point that we are almost self sabotaging. I’m going to book Father’s Day weekend away for us all, not to be spiteful to in laws but to give DH a break and celebrate him rather than his father.

And this is why you need to 'drop the rope'. Completely. And that means to block them on your SM. Why do you choose to see things that just upset you? Take control of it and you'll start to take control of that part of your life they're impacting.

I wouldn't call it 'self sabotaging'. That's where individuals unintentionally or intentionally undermine their own success or progress towards a goal. That's not what you're doing. You aren't trying to 'succeed' with his parents.

What you're doing is inflicting pain on yourself in order to prove a point to yourself. Certainly, nothing you're doing or not doing is affecting them one little bit.

As far as your DH, I'm sorry, but if he sees there's an issue and he won't address it nor get the help to deal with that part of his psyche it's 'injuring' then again, you need to drop that rope too.

UseNailOil · 19/05/2025 18:54

I’m afraid you feel prickly and difficult, to me.

Peachy2005 · 19/05/2025 18:50

If it might help, you and DH could block them for a few days (or archive them on Whats App for a few days) to get over the hump of however long they usually send manipulative messages for…

CurlewKate · 19/05/2025 17:15

Your dh takes the kids to MIL’s party. You stay home. That’ll show her.

Original poster

Tarunos · 19/05/2025 17:10

For further context and those saying SATs aren’t the big deal I’m making them out to be. I’ve been on Facebook and both SIL and MIL have posted photos from their family bbq captioned with celebrating the end of SATs week DGC has done very well and how proud they are. No mention of our DD also doing them etc.

We had a takeaway tea for DD with just us. As I said my mum calls and texts every day so had wished DD luck and of course called to say all done now etc. Not quite the fuss the cousins got from PIL.

I have digested so much of what has been posted, it is that so many incidents have happened and continue to happen. I do see the point that we are almost self sabotaging. I’m going to book Father’s Day weekend away for us all, not to be spiteful to in laws but to give DH a break and celebrate him rather than his father.

OP posts:

Boreded · 19/05/2025 14:07

It’s all in your head

purplecorkheart · 19/05/2025 13:54

I think you need to remove your dd from this equation and her transition date etc. This is really not a factor here and it unfair of you to use her as an excuse.

I see you have told dh to sort the booking so leave him to it. If he does book, go, be polite but distant. Encourage your children to get to know there cousins. You could even offer to take them for an ice cream etc to escape the party.

Otherwise be honest and tell them that the prices of hotels during peak season is too much for two days but do not put this on your daughter.

I do think that your daughter should have phoned her Grandparents rather than sending a text. This was an opportunity for her to chat with her Grandparents about her life.

Bearbookagainandagain · 19/05/2025 12:22

Telling her your DC won't go "to be spiteful" is ridiculous and childish. Either they can or cannot can't go because of exams, that's all that matter.

If cards and present don't count as acknowledging and celebrating your DC's birthday, then clearly your expectations are through the roof. So YABU.

Maybe let your DC go, and you stay home since you clearly don't want to be there.

nomas · 19/05/2025 11:59

Tarunos · 19/05/2025 11:51

Yes they do, DH had a big birthday and we invited them, they declined but MIL especially made a fuss about seeing him over his birthday. We ended up travelling there with a DHs friends and their families who also wanted to celebrate his birthday.

Bloody hell, way for MIL to make his birthday about her.

I hope your DH rejects this abusive pattern.

nomas · 19/05/2025 11:58

Tarunos · 19/05/2025 11:51

Yes they do, DH had a big birthday and we invited them, they declined but MIL especially made a fuss about seeing him over his birthday. We ended up travelling there with a DHs friends and their families who also wanted to celebrate his birthday.

Bloody hell, way for MIL to make his birthday about her.

I hope your DH rejects this abusive pattern.

bigboykitty · 19/05/2025 11:55

You have obviously been very responsive to their manipulation and it will take work to break this pattern is it's been very effective for them.

Original poster

Tarunos · 19/05/2025 11:51

Yes they do, DH had a big birthday and we invited them, they declined but MIL especially made a fuss about seeing him over his birthday. We ended up travelling there with a DHs friends and their families who also wanted to celebrate his birthday.

OP posts:

Notsosure1 · 19/05/2025 11:48

If they see more of the other GC they’re obv going to be closer. Do they turn down tour invites to special occasions or home visits?

MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 11:45

justkeepswimingswiming · 18/05/2025 17:55

DH goes. You stay home with the kids.

Maybe the kids would enjoy it?

bigboykitty · 19/05/2025 11:43

Then you need to place the responsibility firmly back with your DH. He is your main problem here. He sounds very head-in-the-sand. You don't really need to engage with your in laws, explain or make excuses with them. I would ignore them and leave it to DH.

Original poster

Tarunos · 19/05/2025 11:34

The reason I attempt to think of an excuse for not going is because DH leaves all the booking and organising to me. His parents know this and if we are unable to go they ask what I did or didn’t do.

We didn’t attend a big birthday for DH grandparent a few years ago and were then emotionally blackmailed with messages saying the Grandparent might not make next birthday etc. We didn’t attend as we genuinely couldn’t but it was over a month of communication that we should have been there or DH should have been there. DH struggles with this.

I haven’t and won’t book or arrange anything for these two events. DH has his head firmly in the sand about them, not discussing or looking at hotels. I think he’s hoping that he will leave it so late and there won’t be anything available. I have suggested therapy so many times to DH, many of his issues are from how his family have treated him, then us and now our children.

OP posts:

Rhaidimiddim · 19/05/2025 11:34

MissMashed · 19/05/2025 04:53

Your mil’s big birthday is more significant than SATs in the scheme of things.

Not to the OP, obviously.

Rhaidimiddim · 19/05/2025 11:33

Tarunos · 18/05/2025 18:02

We have tried talking to them before, but we’ve been dismissed as being ridiculous. They really do not bother with our DC except when they want the big family gatherings where they live.
They are heavily involved in their other DGCs lives and as I said they are the same age as DD so will be well aware. They celebrate the other DGCs birthdays with them, attending their parties etc and now ours it seems aren’t even getting a call.

Friends have messaged asking how DD got on and wishing her well, friends that don’t have DC of the same age.

Show quote history

So, favouritism, as well as can't-be-botheredness.

Then you get the grand summons.

I would be matching her energy, and if doing what I think is right by my child comes with that, that's an added bonus.

bigboykitty · 19/05/2025 11:22

@Tarunos forget about transition days and stress for your DD - they are non-issues. As others have said, your in laws have made minimal effort over many years and have sat back whilst your family made far too much effort to encourage them into a relationship with your children. They're not interested. You don't need excuses. Match the effort. Match the energy. Please yourselves. I thinkyou might actually be angry with yourselves about how much time, energy and money you have wasted on these people. What do you want to do about father's day and MIL's birthday? Do that. You don't have to spend time and energy rewarding their shitty behaviour. I'd send a father's day card and a token gift for MIL and say we won't be able to join you. The end.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/05/2025 10:57

Feetinthegrass · 19/05/2025 03:26

Thst sounds a lot like people pleading to me and op has described a one sided dynamic, that has been raised directly with them many times.

Of course all relationships look different, but both sides have to invest time, energy and effort into the relationship not just side, otherwise if breeds anger and resentment.

Given the distinct lack of effort made by them why should op and her dh go? Just to play a role and people please? It’s going to cost them nearly £1000!

It is common and likely that dh has been the black sheep all along and has had to live in this dynamic for his whole life, that is what op is saying if you read all of her posts. Dh has tried to address the issues with them - they have ignored him, and that is disrespectful.

No doubt dh feels sidelined and ignored, hurt by their lack of interest and effort in his family.

It would be best if op and her dh make much less effort. Cut back on the visits, stop paying for them to visit. Take the children on a proper holiday, and stop investing in people that don’t care about them.

Thar way they can maintain a distant, cordial fairly balanced relationship that is not harmful and painful, and full of resentment. As you said all relationships look different, and maybe it’s time to accept that this relationship doesn’t have much depth, love or richness despite the op’s best efforts.

Matching their energy and effort is the best way forward.

Edited

Show quote history

@Tarunos definitely read this again! this is what you and your dh should do!