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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave with my son?

31 replies

WhatDoIDoNow12345 · 18/05/2025 15:23

My partner and I have recently split after eight years together. We have a little boy, 2 years old, and my stepson, my ex’s son from a previous relationship, also lived with us full-time. The boys are very close and my son has a strong bond with his dad.

The breakup has been messy. While we have many beautiful memories, I now see that I was emotionally abused throughout much of the relationship, and that dynamic hasn’t ended just because the relationship did.

Right now, our son and I are still living in my ex’s house, while he and my stepson are staying with his parents. It’s been this way for a few months as I try to find somewhere affordable to live.

Even with child maintenance, the reality is grim: I can only afford a small studio for my son and me. I work full-time from home, but I can’t afford nursery, so I’m doing it all with a toddler beside me and no support. My ex’s parents are elderly and not able to help, and my ex cannot take our son overnight. Realistically, he would only see our son on Saturdays or Sundays.

So here’s my dilemma. I’m burning out. I’m doing everything alone, all the time. I feel like I’m entirely sacrificing my mental health so my son can maintain a weekly connection with his dad and brother - something that does matter, deeply. But I’m exhausted, unhappy, and I think my son senses that. My ex is also experiencing burnout and health issues, making contact a lot more limited.

I miss my home country deeply. There, I’d be able to live with my mum (who my son adores), afford good childcare, and have a real support system. I'd be able to breathe again. Maybe even see friends now and then. That thought feels like a luxury.

I’m trying so hard to stay - for my son’s relationship with his dad and brother - but I’m questioning whether it’s sustainable.

Here are the pros and cons as I see them:

Staying (current country):

  • Son keeps weekly contact with his dad and brother
  • Familiar environment for son
  • Avoids disrupting current custody dynamic
  • But: I have no support, no respite, and can barely afford housing or childcare
Leaving (home country):
  • Son and I live with my mum (strong bond, stable home)
  • Can afford high-quality childcare
  • I’d have a support system and space to recover
  • Better quality of life for both of us
  • But: Son sees dad and brother much less, possibly just during holidays

So.... what should I do?
YABU - Stay
YANBU - Move back home

OP posts:
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MumChp · 18/05/2025 22:08

If 100% legal I would head home.

Original poster
WhatDoIDoNow12345 · 18/05/2025 22:06

I appreciate everyone commenting, thank you

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 18/05/2025 21:05

In your situation, and if your ex agrees to it, I would move back home in an instant. You are carrying all of the burden here and it's incredibly hard to do that in a foreign country with no support, especially somewhere where childcare is so unaffordable and the dad isn't forced to contribute.

Is your home ocuntry in Europe so it's not too expensive to fly between the two?

EMUKE · 18/05/2025 20:25

Be selfish and do what is right by you and your son. I appreciate the fact he will be away from his dad however you need a support unit and you do not have that here. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. My advise would be communicate, communicate with ex husband, legal advise and family bad home. As long as nothing is hidden and you have an understanding how everyone feels about this it will be easier no matter what the outcome come. Sending love.

Original poster
WhatDoIDoNow12345 · 18/05/2025 20:18

Probably haven't stressed the effects it's having on my mental health. I am 26, so still very young, but I feel completely lost. I don’t know who I am anymore, and sometimes I wonder if I ever really had the chance to find out. I’m battling severe anxiety every morning and evening, teetering on the edge of depression. I carry deep regrets and feel overwhelmed by constant negative thoughts, wondering how my life turned out like this. It’s exhausting. However, I do my best to stay optimistic for my son. I show up, I push through, and I keep going, but it feels like I’m running on fumes most days.

However, I told myself I’d endure it if moving meant harming my son’s wellbeing. But I’m starting to question whether sacrificing myself entirely is truly the best thing for him, or for either of us in the long run. I'll do whatever is best for him so appreciate everyone's honest opinions.

I'm also aware he's just so very young, and it's just such a difficult phase in itself, too.

OP posts:
Mothersdayscroll · 18/05/2025 19:36

I did vote YANBU because as the Mother you are the main caregiver and I find parenting hard enough with a good husband.

Maybe just discuss the options with your Ex and see what he suggests?

I will say tho that if a Dad had posted this. question I think opinions would be dramatically different.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Springtimehere · 18/05/2025 19:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

pinkdelight · 18/05/2025 19:20

And presumbly the segue into the career you want is also short-term so the financial hit isn't going to last, and could be managed if you were so motivated. This does all sound more like what you want to do than what you have to do.

Also to note - plenty of dads who live in the same house in happy marriages can struggle to put a DC to bed when they're used to the mum doing it. It's just another hurdle of parenting to push through and manage. Not a signal to give up and leave the country. My DS was totally into me at that age but now is much closer to his dad (which I'm fine with!). Kids need different things at different stages, but his preference for your at age 2 is not how it's always going to be.

pinkdelight · 18/05/2025 19:17

WhatDoIDoNow12345 · 18/05/2025 19:06

A few things that have been raised:

  1. Income: This would be outing if detailed, but I am taking an insanely massive hit financially at the moment as I got an opportunity that is a perfect segue into the industry I want to work in, and I earn basically nothing and therefore am not eligible for any free hours of childcare
  2. Universal Credit: I am not sure I am eligible due to my current situation but will have to have a second look, thank you
  3. His dad: He is struggling massively lately and was initially the one that suggested me going home for a few months. I think if I raised the idea of moving for good, he would be open to it if planned properly. Just wanted to know if this idea was bad before even raising it with him. We are not married. My son is used to me doing all bedtimes - recently, ex tried putting him to sleep and staying with him for the entire night whilst I was somewhere else, and he basically screamed all night. I said this was natural and to be expected and that he would get used to it with time as my ex is a safe presence to him, but my ex struggled so much he said he wouldn't be able to cope with it again due to existing health problems. So there's not much I can argue there

To point 3, your son is only 2. This period of tricky bedtimes won't last long and he'll never get used to his dad if he leaves the country. But if you sever that connection, which leaving the country will do even with the best of intentions, your DS will lose that whole side of his life and never have a functional relationship with his father. It's one thing when a father absconds or passes away and such a relationship isn't possible. It's another to decide to nix it for your own needs. Because none of the obstacles to staying are insurmountable, and your ex suggesting you go home short-term is very different to a life without him in it. Sorry, but I just hear that you want to move back and the other reasons are all in service of that really, and important though your support network is, it's not as important as your DS having his dad around as a constant in his life. If you're wanting your parent around now as an adult, why would you not want your DS to grow up with both his parents around if that were at all possible?

Original poster
WhatDoIDoNow12345 · 18/05/2025 19:06

A few things that have been raised:

  1. Income: This would be outing if detailed, but I am taking an insanely massive hit financially at the moment as I got an opportunity that is a perfect segue into the industry I want to work in, and I earn basically nothing and therefore am not eligible for any free hours of childcare
  2. Universal Credit: I am not sure I am eligible due to my current situation but will have to have a second look, thank you
  3. His dad: He is struggling massively lately and was initially the one that suggested me going home for a few months. I think if I raised the idea of moving for good, he would be open to it if planned properly. Just wanted to know if this idea was bad before even raising it with him. We are not married. My son is used to me doing all bedtimes - recently, ex tried putting him to sleep and staying with him for the entire night whilst I was somewhere else, and he basically screamed all night. I said this was natural and to be expected and that he would get used to it with time as my ex is a safe presence to him, but my ex struggled so much he said he wouldn't be able to cope with it again due to existing health problems. So there's not much I can argue there
OP posts:
Endofyear · 18/05/2025 18:22

I think while you want to be in your home country and feel it would be best for you, there's no way being taken so far away from one parent is better for your son. He needs a close relationship with his dad and brother just as much as he needs you. You need to explore what help you can get with childcare and housing.

Thejackrussellsrule · 18/05/2025 18:05

Are you entitled to Universal Credit, you'd get help with housing up to your local lha rate and 85% reimbursement of your childcare costs. You be entitled to a 2 bed , have a look at the gov uk website. https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/

Search for Local Housing Allowance rates by postcode or local authority : DirectGov - LHA Rates

https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/05/2025 16:09

If your ex agrees with it and you can afford to fly your child back very regularly to see his dad and brother then fine. If both those things aren’t likely then no, you should not take your son and run away from his parent. Are you in the UK?

MaryGreenhill · 18/05/2025 16:09

You need the sign up for UC. They will pay for 80% of your child care and a child element as well as contributing to your rent . You can earn what you like to claim the child element of UC.

SipandClean · 18/05/2025 16:05

pinkdelight · 18/05/2025 16:01

Jeez, I mean, how would you feel if he decided to take your DS to live overseas so you could only see him occasionally? I think that’s untenable and I’d do anything to stop it. There are plenty of childcare/financial/housing options that can be explored before going to that extreme. Sure you want to be with your mum and will talk up that bond accordingly, but this is your DS’s dad and step brother. Unless he’s a danger or something you’ve not said, there’s no way that moving countries is the best option for your DS.

This. You cannot just take his son away. Hopefully the courts will not allow you.

BunnyRuddington · 18/05/2025 16:04

I do agree with presenting yourself as homeless too, which you are really. You might need to take temporary accommodation for a while. For how long depends on where you live.

pinkdelight · 18/05/2025 16:01

Jeez, I mean, how would you feel if he decided to take your DS to live overseas so you could only see him occasionally? I think that’s untenable and I’d do anything to stop it. There are plenty of childcare/financial/housing options that can be explored before going to that extreme. Sure you want to be with your mum and will talk up that bond accordingly, but this is your DS’s dad and step brother. Unless he’s a danger or something you’ve not said, there’s no way that moving countries is the best option for your DS.

Mrsttcno1 · 18/05/2025 15:54

You would need his permission to take his son to live in another country OP- this is not just your decision to make. And given he was born here, his dad & sibling are here & here is what he knows, dad has a strong case to tell you no.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/05/2025 15:53

It sounds a very tough situation, but presumably some of the constraints are limited.
For example, once Ex moves back into his own house, he should be able to have DS for overnights and not only at the weekend. In the meantime, he and SS could come at the weekend at have DS t the house while you go off somewhere.
Ex could be more flexible in terms of having DS at his parents house - a 2 year old can share a bed with their dad, or Dad could sleep on the sofa/floor and the 2 boys could share.
You might be entitled to benefits if you can't earn enough to house you and DS properly. Ex could up the maintenance to help with accommodation costs.
I'd be raising these possibilities with with Ex, and his response might help you decide what to do.

Riaanna · 18/05/2025 15:52

Will he agree to you going?

crumblingschools · 18/05/2025 15:51

Will you need ex’s permission to leave the country?

LIZS · 18/05/2025 15:51

Why can’t he look after your ds? Working in a small space looking after a toddler is not sustainable. Do you not qualify for any free childcare hours? Would your ex not pay cms towards his care and nursery?

Pices · 18/05/2025 15:50

If he will allow you to go then just go. You can’t work with a toddler beside you.

BunnyRuddington · 18/05/2025 15:48

Will ExP allow you to take DS to your home country to live?

jeaux90 · 18/05/2025 15:45

OP are you married? Is he on the birth certificate? You are going to have to get some legal advice when you have made up your mind. You will need a CAO in place for custody arrangements. This is important if you travel back to your home country regularly, the CAO will allow you to take DS out of the country for holidays etc