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Original poster

To think that this rude comments/ remarks are very racist ?

131 replies

Olaolaolalola · 18/05/2025 14:32

DS is in year 7 and goes to an independent school. He is new to school and has made many good friends. So DS was invited for a birthday party and was 3 hours late as he had a fixture at school.

While he was going to the party DS was sent number of audio records by a boy who was also invited to the party and was already at birthday boy’s home. In that audio I can hear boys laughing and 2 boys especially mocking and making rude and offensive remarks to my son.

I will phrase it to give you a better understanding of it. (We are of Asian descent and DS was born and brought up in London) I can hear 2 boys saying - “don’t come to the party, play cricket and go home and eat curry”,
”go to your mother and sit with her”. These 2 boys made entire 5 minutes audio mimicking Indian accent, calling my son from his nickname and shaming him for being called that and asking him not to come to party repeatedly and making fun of his haircut. Please note, none of the comments was made by birthday boy so other classmates asking him not to come doesn’t bother DS.

He is very bothered by the comments made by 2 friends about his ethnicity and parents. DS is emotionally and psychologically down. I can see he is broken and this incident had torn him down. As a mother I am furious to see my child sad and what trauma it had caused him. He has never faced this kind of racism/ situation in his entire life.

One of the 2 boys realised his mistake and is really sorry. I am happy that he realised his mistake and promised to be a better friend in future. I appreciate that. However I want to take this matter forward to school and let them handle this situation.

I think that the entire situation was highly racist and needs to be handled properly. What you all think ?

thanks

OP posts:
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Pbjsand · 20/05/2025 07:35

People watched Adolescence and then said “the parents should have done more” and then something like this happens in real life and some parents are saying “just leave it, boys will be boys”. I despair 😵‍💫

CurlewKate · 19/05/2025 03:29

TempestTost · 19/05/2025 00:45

I am not sure you know what deflection means.

Show quote history

Yes I do. Not sure what else you’d call trying to minimise the racism “just boys being jerks-ignore it” “Nothing to do with the school” and even to try to turn it back on the victim. “He was rude anyway by being late.” Not forgetting the classic “Girls do it too,you know!”

TempestTost · 19/05/2025 03:20

Emma6cat · 19/05/2025 00:55

Take it to the school, although it really isnt anything to do with them they can atleast be aware of the situation and educate the children on the matter. I would approach the parents, play it to them, tell them you are monitoring this behaviour and will not hesitate to highlight any more of this racism in the future by naming and shaming. You need to show your child you have their back over this.

Do you not think the kids have likely had a ton of education on bullying and racism?

The boys were trying to be assholes, they know it was inappropriate and mean, that was the point. They also were possibly trying to push back against authority.

I personally don't think this happening once is at a level where I would take action, other than to say to my son that people can sometimes make poor decisions (as he has a few times,) and some are just really jerks and should be avoided.

But even if I did think that action needed to be taken, it's not an issue of the boys not knowing.

MrsEverest · 19/05/2025 03:14

LoveItaly · 18/05/2025 16:05

Just thinking that myself!

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Really? Your first thoughts on reading this were……a racial stereotype? How odd.

Did you have any thoughts about the actual issue here?

OP I’d have said tell the school solely so they can be on the lookout as it’s unlikely to be limited to one event but as you’ve shared the school policy is for bullying to be reported wherever it occurs it seems clear that’s what you need to do.

It is of course clearly racist behaviour.

SquashedSquid · 19/05/2025 02:05

Koalafan · 18/05/2025 14:58

This isn't anything to do with the school.

I'd want to know if a child in my class had been racist towards another child in my class. Some of us actually care about the children we teach.

Emma6cat · 19/05/2025 00:55

Take it to the school, although it really isnt anything to do with them they can atleast be aware of the situation and educate the children on the matter. I would approach the parents, play it to them, tell them you are monitoring this behaviour and will not hesitate to highlight any more of this racism in the future by naming and shaming. You need to show your child you have their back over this.

Tbrh · 19/05/2025 00:52

People are always going to be racist, I'd focus on teaching your son to be proud of his heritage. It'll probably be hard when he's young, but hopefully he will feel better about it as he gets older and more confident. Teach him some good comebacks

TempestTost · 19/05/2025 00:45

CurlewKate · 18/05/2025 20:33

But in this case it was. More deflection.

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I am not sure you know what deflection means.

CurlewKate · 18/05/2025 20:33

AgathaX · 18/05/2025 20:14

It's not just boys that bully.
There are a few stereotypes coming out in this thread.

But in this case it was. More deflection.

CurlewKate · 18/05/2025 20:32

I am baffled by people focussing on the lateness-the kid had a fixture and a broken down coach and presumably his mother was in touch with the host mother about it-what was he supposed to do-fly?

AgathaX · 18/05/2025 20:14

It's not just boys that bully.
There are a few stereotypes coming out in this thread.

crumblingschools · 18/05/2025 20:03

For those saying this has nothing to do either schools, this is a Government document on bullying in schools

www.gov.uk/bullying-at-school/bullying-outside-school

kierenthecommunity · 18/05/2025 19:58

Mum2jenny · 18/05/2025 15:41

Yes, and if after reporting to the police they thought there were further issues, they could inform the school if they deemed it relevant. Schools have enough to deal with without parents abrogating their own responsibilities regarding their children, then expecting schools to deal with issues occurring outwith of the school.

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What, and the police have loads of time on their hands?

i personally wouldn’t involve the police for a first offence, as I wouldn’t want to criminalise a 12 year old if he could be responsive to being educated. And that’s what school is for. But no second chances admittedly

Koalafan · 18/05/2025 19:48

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 18/05/2025 19:38

I mean, the comments you're quoting there in the history bit literally deflects from it, and a poster explains why so why pretend it doesn't? 🙄
Yes 3 hours late is rude - it has absolutely nothing to do with the subject though which is the racist abuse the OP was subject to by these kids and what they should do about it.

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They're all acknowledging the racism too.

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 18/05/2025 19:38

Koalafan · 18/05/2025 18:39

I've seen comments mentioning it, none using it to deflect.

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I mean, the comments you're quoting there in the history bit literally deflects from it, and a poster explains why so why pretend it doesn't? 🙄
Yes 3 hours late is rude - it has absolutely nothing to do with the subject though which is the racist abuse the OP was subject to by these kids and what they should do about it.

Koalafan · 18/05/2025 18:39

CurlewKate · 18/05/2025 18:25

They most certainly are. Not to mention a side helping of “boys will be boys”

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I've seen comments mentioning it, none using it to deflect.

Someone2025 · 18/05/2025 18:34

AmIthatSpringy · 18/05/2025 17:06

Why would the school give him sanctions?
i'd kick up merry hell if the school tried to sanction my child for something that didn't happen at school.

It's a racist incident so report it to the police

Edited
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So if your child was behaving like a racist you would prefer that the police dealt with him and not the school?….interesting

Velmy · 18/05/2025 18:28

CurlewKate · 18/05/2025 15:23

What does she hope to gain? Oh-I don’t
know. Letting the school know it’s got a problem and finding out what they intend to do about it? Letting her kid know she has his back?

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What are you expecting a school to 'do' about an incident that didn't take place in school?

If there's bullying going on they should be made aware, but it's not for them to deal with. If a school tried to punish my child for something that happened at a birthday party, the punishment simply wouldn't happen.

Azdcgbjml · 18/05/2025 18:27

I would still take it to the school. You can let them know that the one boy has genuinely apologised. They will deal with him differently than they will the one who has not apologised. They most definitely need to be aware because they need to keep an eye on things in school so it doesn't escalate there.

CurlewKate · 18/05/2025 18:25

Koalafan · 18/05/2025 18:07

Nobody is using that to deflect.

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They most certainly are. Not to mention a side helping of “boys will be boys”

Original poster
Olaolaolalola · 18/05/2025 18:16

TempestTost · 18/05/2025 17:24

I haven't read the FF, OP, only your posts.

I think if it were me in this case, I would probably leave it for now. But keep the video.

In general I have found with children in the teen years, there can be quite a lot of drama. My eldest two are girls, so far more interpersonal drama than you can possibly imagine. I think it's very limited what parents or schools can do to help with this, especially with girls who can be so sophisticated.

Boys are a little differernt, more crude in their stupid behaviour. But they will do it, and what you describe sounds very much like the kinds of stupid things boys seem to do.

I think the racism element is probably a red herring. I would guess it's a combination of these boys saying what they knew would push your sons buttons, and wanting to say the kinds of "bad" things they know not to say. Racist comments now are the thing all kids are told are most horrible, so just like in the old days when kids would say irreligious things on purpose, a lot of boys seem to default to racist comments. I don't think in a lot of these cases it actually has much if anything to do with their real views.

The one boy who apologised obviously knows it was wrong and feels badly. I think that's typical with boys of that age, they get caught up in being stupid in the moment and make bad decisions. I imagine the other boy also knows. Perhaps he doesn't care, or is too scared to apologise.

Would a lot be gained by going to the school rather than leaving it be? It's not clear to me that it would, and it would certainly put the boy who did apologise in a difficult spot. As long as it doesn't continue, I would leave it. If this other boy does continue then I would take action and bring the problem to the school, and just let them know your son worked things out on his own with the one boy who apologised after the fact. (Which is a really good thing btw, it's really the ideal outcome for kids making bad decisions that they manage the problem and move on.)

I agree with this. Boys really can do Stupid behaviours at the heat of the moment sometimes. The fact that the boy realised his mistake and apologise is a good thing and should be given a second chance to prove himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olaolaolalola · 18/05/2025 18:11

Isobel201 · 18/05/2025 17:46

I agree, whilst the racist comments were wrong, why turn up to a party three hours late? If he couldn't attend within a reasonable time, then he may as well have just said he couldn't make it.

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I’ve explained it already why he was late in above comments. The reason I allow him to go late is because firstly it’s his friend’s birthday party and DS really wanted to go. It lasted for 7 hours, so even if he’s late for 2-3 hours, he still has 4-5 hours to enjoy with them.

OP posts:
Koalafan · 18/05/2025 18:07

CurlewKate · 18/05/2025 18:00

Because that, of course, is the main thing here. The deflection from the racism here is breathtaking.

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Nobody is using that to deflect.

Itsoneofthose · 18/05/2025 18:06

Speak to the school Op and demand something is done. That’s really heartbreaking to read.

CurlewKate · 18/05/2025 18:00

Isobel201 · 18/05/2025 17:46

I agree, whilst the racist comments were wrong, why turn up to a party three hours late? If he couldn't attend within a reasonable time, then he may as well have just said he couldn't make it.

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Because that, of course, is the main thing here. The deflection from the racism here is breathtaking.

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