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AIBU?

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Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?

88 replies

Whyonearthwouldyou · 18/05/2025 12:38

This may seem super petty, I don't know, I feel super gaslit and I'm really struggling here.

DP of 10 years has been super cagey with his phone lately, very noticeably. I haven't said anything but same vibes as when I caught him texting another woman many years ago (admittedly the messages were far worse than these). Anyway Friday he forgot his phone when picking up DC, first time he's let it out of his sight in as long as I can remember. I looked through it and saw a couple of messages that made me uncomfortable so I took it and drove off to read through it all properly (I appreciate I sound crazy here)

Anyway I found evidence of huge debts and messages to other women. Funnily enough the same women who I don't know but keep appearing in my 'suggested friends' on FB.

I've attached pictures of the messages and each different woman is a different colour. Obviously I've not seen any evidence of him trying to meet up with these women or anything but these messages really really hurt. I know he's not attracted to me anymore but I can't remember him ever calling me 'beautiful' or 'pretty'.

I told him how much this hurt me but he says it's work banter and he's a bit of a lad at work and he calls all women beautiful etc even in person. It's my insecurities and I'm controlling for taking his phone (I do accept I shouldn't have taken his phone).

I asked him how he'd feel if I'd sent messages like that to make colleagues/friends and he said it would not bother him in the slightest. I said that's where I don't think we're compatible then because I think it crosses a line in my eyes.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting because I'm highly stressed and on my period at the moment so probably more sensitive than usual.

Thank you

Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 18/05/2025 23:43

Yes I want to know about the huge debts as well. He sounds a real creep by the way in those messages.

S0j0urn4r · 18/05/2025 23:32

Can we circle back to the 'huge debt'? I would find that more concerning than the general fuckwittage.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 18/05/2025 23:23

He’s definitely crossing a line in being so over familiar and suggestive (case in point aubergine emoji). He also comes across like a teenage boy who thinks that he can befriend girls and have a chance with them. How old is he and how old
do you think the people he’s messaging are? I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you told me he typically gravitates towards younger colleagues.

Delphiniumandlupins · 18/05/2025 23:08

In what ways does he enrich your life and make you feel happy?

StarDolphins · 18/05/2025 23:04

🤮🤮 I’d sack Desperate Dan off! He actually doesn’t care about you one iota, he’s just casting his lines hoping to get any girl he can catch. What a complete cringy desperado he is. You can do better than him.

Huhuhuhu39272 · 18/05/2025 23:01

Can’t believe he blamed your reaction to his cheating behaviour on your period. This one’s audacious.

Classic narcissist. Just quietly leave, don’t even argue..you’ll just go in circles.

InterestedDad37 · 18/05/2025 22:58

Yep ... if he's not actually having a fling he's trying very hard to do so. But the debts ... don't make them your thing too (speaking from experience)

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 18/05/2025 22:52

Ew he’s a lech. How are you still interested in him?

Gemmawemma9 · 18/05/2025 22:49

He is a vile little creep. I’m fairly relaxed but I’d honestly have packed my husbands bags over this. He’s desperately trying his best to cheat. I’m so sorry OP. Don’t let him make out you’re the problem, because you’re not.

crazyone1974 · 18/05/2025 22:48

Ew no. I'm so sorry he's done this to you - you are NOT overreacting. He'll never change and you can do so much better.

hopsalong · 18/05/2025 22:47

He’s shagging prostitutes.

These aren’t women he knows from work. As someone else said, he’s the client and they’re playing along. Hence the constant mentions of work (his job, her job), the weird ‘missing me?’ thing (which makes a lot of sense with someone you’re sleeping with but not much with someone you actually see frequently), the poor English, the photos of fillers or whatever.

I’m very sorry, OP. You can’t carry on in the long run with this vile piece of shit. Think carefully and make plans to separate.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 18/05/2025 22:44

🤮

Eenameenadeeka · 18/05/2025 22:42

Yeah this really isn't normal and I could not be with a man like that.

Youcanpayit · 18/05/2025 22:37

Oh my God, how embarrassing 😳 he's trying his hardest to get attention from absolutely any woman he once knew and not getting very far. Put him in the bin.

TheWibble · 18/05/2025 22:19

YANBU. I divorced my XH over constant shit like this, and life is now much more peaceful. I suggest you do the same. They never change, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life constantly worried about him and his phone.

Whyonearthwouldyou · 18/05/2025 21:57

Thank you for your comments, it's reassured me that I'm not actually being crazy like he's made me to feel.

When I mentioned that I'm on my period, sorry I understand it doesn't seem relevant which has been pointed out. There's a bit of a back story there where he says I'm awful for a week every month (I do struggle with feeling more teary when I'm on but I genuinely don't feel in the monster he makes me out to be). When this all kicked off on Fri/Sat he said that he'd predicted we'd have a row this weekend, he felt it coming because of the time of month and he'd even told his (male) work friend he bet it was going to happen. I cannot mention anything when I'm on my period because it's me attacking him. Ugh.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 18/05/2025 15:18

Wallywobbles · 18/05/2025 13:14

Shame you didn’t send screenshots to the other women. You could have caused fabulous chaos. Maybe there is still time.

Also, do this.
And if you’re feeling brave, show him these comments and watch his giant ego deflate before your very eyes

WhereIsMyJumper · 18/05/2025 15:14

Those messages made my skin crawl OP.
I didnt even enjoy that type of message when I was online dating, and if a work colleague sent me something like that I would tell them in no uncertain terms to fuck right off. What a vile, pervy little man. I can’t believe he is minimising this - you need to get rid of him.

PurpleChrayn · 18/05/2025 15:08

Eurgh. If “the ick” was embodied in a man…

JaninaDuszejko · 18/05/2025 15:00

These threads always amaze me, when I get messages from male workmates they are always 100% work focused. Surely you know this is not normal. In comparison, here's the last text message I got from a male colleague:

OK, and do they know to leave it at room temperature? They aren’t going to put it in the fridge or a freezer?

I'd be horrified if I got a message from a colleague like those your partner is sending and would immediately block. TBH they really don't sound like messages between work colleagues, sounds more like he's paying them.

ItGhoul · 18/05/2025 14:23

You’re definitely not overreacting. He is begging for attention and flirting with these women.

I have loads of male friends. We absolutely do not exchange messages calling each other ‘pretty girl’ or ‘handsome man’ and talking about missing each other and screenshotting each other’s pictures. Ever. I think “Looking good, mate” or “great pic” as a public comment on a profile picture is about the limit. The examples you’ve shared are not standard friendship chats.

TheOccupier · 18/05/2025 14:04

Come on, you know YANBU.

Tell us more about the "huge debts" you've also discovered?

TheLimeQuail · 18/05/2025 13:56

ShouldIEvenBother · 18/05/2025 13:33

Please, please, please do not spend another moment of your one, precious life with this absolute breadbin of a man.

“Breadbin of a man” I’m stealing that

Noshadelamp · 18/05/2025 13:53

I wasn't prepared for how creepy the messages where going to be.

Op surely you don't think talking like that to women is normal?

They are obviously tolerating him, the only reason why would be if he's a previous client.

Eugh I feel unclean just reading them.

CrispyCrumpets · 18/05/2025 13:52

He's fishing 🎣