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Original poster

Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?

88 replies

Whyonearthwouldyou · 18/05/2025 12:38

This may seem super petty, I don't know, I feel super gaslit and I'm really struggling here.

DP of 10 years has been super cagey with his phone lately, very noticeably. I haven't said anything but same vibes as when I caught him texting another woman many years ago (admittedly the messages were far worse than these). Anyway Friday he forgot his phone when picking up DC, first time he's let it out of his sight in as long as I can remember. I looked through it and saw a couple of messages that made me uncomfortable so I took it and drove off to read through it all properly (I appreciate I sound crazy here)

Anyway I found evidence of huge debts and messages to other women. Funnily enough the same women who I don't know but keep appearing in my 'suggested friends' on FB.

I've attached pictures of the messages and each different woman is a different colour. Obviously I've not seen any evidence of him trying to meet up with these women or anything but these messages really really hurt. I know he's not attracted to me anymore but I can't remember him ever calling me 'beautiful' or 'pretty'.

I told him how much this hurt me but he says it's work banter and he's a bit of a lad at work and he calls all women beautiful etc even in person. It's my insecurities and I'm controlling for taking his phone (I do accept I shouldn't have taken his phone).

I asked him how he'd feel if I'd sent messages like that to make colleagues/friends and he said it would not bother him in the slightest. I said that's where I don't think we're compatible then because I think it crosses a line in my eyes.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting because I'm highly stressed and on my period at the moment so probably more sensitive than usual.

Thank you

Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
OP posts:
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ChristmasCwtch · 14/07/2025 14:47

Yuck!! He’s a creep.

Entirely inappropriate messaging!! Agree, he isn’t cheating, but not from lack of trying!!

Trickedbyadoughnut · 14/07/2025 14:19

Have you posted about him before? The thing about him blaming stuff being the wrong time of the month seems familiar. If so, I think the consensus was to get rid and I'd say the same on this thread.

SoppySalad · 14/07/2025 14:15

My take on the messages: he definitely isn’t cheating.

Those women sound for the most part like they are humouring him. It took a couple a while to reply. I bet they were thinking ‘Oh God, it’s Roy again”. Messages like that from a man I worked with would make everything clamp shut.

But I agree he sounds desperate and I think he thinks he sounds smooth. It’s incredibly embarrassing. I think he’d cheat given the opportunity and he’s is 100% crossing acceptable marital boundaries.

I’m sorry he’s behaving this way. What a bell end.

NotrialNodeal · 14/07/2025 13:06

His messages are so cringe ekkkkk

He isn't cheating but he's definitely trying to!

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 14/07/2025 13:03

He’s a bit of a sleaze.

malificent7 · 14/07/2025 12:55

You said hes not attracted to you anymore...leave.

sunseasex · 14/07/2025 12:51

ThatCyanCat · 19/05/2025 16:33

He must be really handsome or rich if these women are responding well to such crap lines. I don't think that makes him worth keeping though. Of course these messages are inappropriate and if he hasn't cheated yet it's only for lack of opportunity.

He's in debt!

Goingoutofmymind25 · 19/05/2025 20:32

Goingoutofmymind25 · 19/05/2025 20:32

The last screenshot doesn't seem to be a co worker... "are you in the same job", her replying with "... I'm in That job"... 🤢

And she didn't know what his job was but seems like he did. Scummo

Goingoutofmymind25 · 19/05/2025 20:32

The last screenshot doesn't seem to be a co worker... "are you in the same job", her replying with "... I'm in That job"... 🤢

ThatCyanCat · 19/05/2025 16:42

isolate34 · 19/05/2025 16:40

I'm thinking some of the women may be sex workers tbh

Show quote history

Seems unlikely if they're popping up as suggested friends on FB.

isolate34 · 19/05/2025 16:40

ThatCyanCat · 19/05/2025 16:33

He must be really handsome or rich if these women are responding well to such crap lines. I don't think that makes him worth keeping though. Of course these messages are inappropriate and if he hasn't cheated yet it's only for lack of opportunity.

I'm thinking some of the women may be sex workers tbh

ThatCyanCat · 19/05/2025 16:33

He must be really handsome or rich if these women are responding well to such crap lines. I don't think that makes him worth keeping though. Of course these messages are inappropriate and if he hasn't cheated yet it's only for lack of opportunity.

3luckystars · 19/05/2025 16:23

Scumbag

Sasha07 · 19/05/2025 16:16

He comes across so desperate. Messages like that make me cringe so much, had plenty in the past, all from men trying to flirt with me. You deserve so much better. Then there's secret debt on top of this... He comes across as an absolute loser. You're better than that, you can get better than that.

Verv · 19/05/2025 16:13

These arent women he works with.
Although i would put money on them being women he's paid to sleep with and now he has their contact details and is creeping round them. (and not getting far going by the replies)

Bin him.

sweetpickle2 · 19/05/2025 16:11

What a creep- aside from anything else I wouldn't be able to stay with a man who made me so nauseous.

He's talking about getting a hard on to pics, screenshotting other pics (presumably to have a wank over later)- you are not over-reacting OP, and it sounds like he's worn down your self esteem so much so that you accept this behaviour. And that's before you even get into the debts.

Pack your bags and leave him to his screenshots.

NoMumLeftBehindLiz · 19/05/2025 16:05

I’ve accidentally voted You Are Unreasonable with my stupid fat thumbs, sorry.

Flipslop · 19/05/2025 05:02

Whyonearthwouldyou · 18/05/2025 21:57

Thank you for your comments, it's reassured me that I'm not actually being crazy like he's made me to feel.

When I mentioned that I'm on my period, sorry I understand it doesn't seem relevant which has been pointed out. There's a bit of a back story there where he says I'm awful for a week every month (I do struggle with feeling more teary when I'm on but I genuinely don't feel in the monster he makes me out to be). When this all kicked off on Fri/Sat he said that he'd predicted we'd have a row this weekend, he felt it coming because of the time of month and he'd even told his (male) work friend he bet it was going to happen. I cannot mention anything when I'm on my period because it's me attacking him. Ugh.

Ah man I feel really bad for you OP, he’s gaslit the shit out of you. Even using your cycle as amo to make you out to be crazy and unreasonable.
the fact you just accept he doesn’t find you attractive any longer as almost a fact about yourself is very sad, you clearly have been treated poorly by this man who seems like a narcissist.
j was shocked by the messages, there’s no blurred lines here as to whether they are jokey messaged to a friend. They REALLY remind me of the cringe, vagina drying messages you get from someone when online dating, creepy and try hard.
also to point out if any of my male friends or colleagues sent me messages along the lines of these I’d be really pissed off and creeped out, they’re outrageous!
also seems clear there’s been some past with these women or their responses to his tone of message if out of the blue would be very different.
hes a manipulative scum bag. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way, PLEASE once you’ve left put some work in, with therapy I’d say, on digging into how you feel about yourself as a person, your self image and confidence after a relationship of this type or you will spend the rest of your life negatively affected by his behaviour and you deserve to live a peaceful and happy life and have some higher standard of expectation as to how you should be treated by people.
take very kind care of yourself lovely, this is horrible xx

ThatLimeCat · 19/05/2025 04:42

Also, he will tell you you're nuts, overreacting, hormonal etc no matter what he's done. You could catch him in the act and he'd still call you nuts. It's not you, it's just a manipulation tactic on his end.

ThatLimeCat · 19/05/2025 04:40

Nasty nasty man. You don't have to stay married to him.

Justdontknowanymore2024 · 19/05/2025 02:34

Seat h the numbers in google

IShouldNotCoco · 19/05/2025 02:30

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/05/2025 12:46

He has literally put the aubergine emoji there to say he's got a hard on from looking at her lips and he's trying to meet up with her.
Fucking horrible cunt how date he downplay this.

Yes, this!!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 19/05/2025 02:24

You know what to do now - get your ducks in a row...

sort out your money

do you rent - if so who is actually the tenant
or do you have a mortgage

where would you live / where will he live ( not that this is your problem )

so you work ?
can you claim universal Credit ?

do you know what he earns ?
put his salary into the CMS calculator

are all your children his children ?

SandyY2K · 19/05/2025 02:21

He's desperate and it's very unattractive.
You deserve better than him trying to make or you're the one being unreasonable.

No woman would be happy with a partner sending these messages to another woman...and HE KNOWS IT.

pikkumyy77 · 19/05/2025 02:12

You should leave him for weaponizing your hormones against you. In 35 years my dh has never dismissed my concerns or my intellect because of my periods.