TW: CSA | To still be upset by what my dad said a couple of years ago?

Get therapy, and never see or speak to him ever again in your entire life. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this subhuman shit stain. I wish you peace, and healing ❤️

Go back to therapy, OP. I experienced CSA when I was ten, and at 52, I’m only really starting to deal with it. There’s nothing remotely “silly’ about being heartbroken your father was so totally inadequate when you needed him. My own parents knew about the CSA and chose to do nothing. It would have been ‘making a fuss’. I only discovered this accidentally in adulthood, and it’s a huge, horrible thing to process.

Surely this is the impetus you need to stop feeling any guilt if you stop seeing your dad. He was an absolutely shit parent to you when you were a child and he isn't much better now. His remark is so cruel and self-centred, it took my breath away. He should be ashamed of himself but he sounds like one of those people who don't do shame.

I'm so sorry op, that's awful and I can understand why you feel the way you do.

It reminds me of the song Mother, by John Lennon. He basically wrote the song to let go of the mother that abandoned him as a kid, which messed him up most of his life. I think that most people in your situation do come to the same conclusion that they are better off letting go. You're never going to get what you need from him, the few crumbs he throws you every so often when it suits him are an insult and not worth it. I'm not surprised you keep shutting down, it's called self-preservation, you don't want to get hurt again. Don't give him another chance.

Spend some time thinking about what you want, how to comfort and reassure- just prioritise- that scared little girl who still lives inside you. Just that alone will give you strength.

Then look at him and decide whether you want what he is offering. To me, he doesn’t sound as though he has anything you need.

In the meantime don’t contact him, just respond if you want to if when he contacts you.

You want him to prioritise you. It will never happen. Go no contact for your own sake. Go back to therapy.

Naturally! Nurture and love that little kid and tell her it's going to be ok. I'm serious - self compassion is a thing and it can be really helpful after trauma.

Tell him.

“Dad, you said last visit that when Inwas 7 and being abused by my cousin I ‘just wasn’t your priority’. That’s been an upsetting thing to think about. Do you think there’s any point staying in touch if you don’t actually care enough to try and keep me safe? I’m just wondering about the future.”

He's given you an honest answer at least. Personally I don't think that would make me feel very loving towards him.

I wouldn’t be able to respect a person like this as a parent at all. He will never be a priority - especially not in his old age.

That he can say those words and not hang his head in deep shame and regret says everything you need to know about him.

I’m sorry your dad is so shit.

you are still young - the words and abuse is relatively recent. If it’s any consolation I’ve got 20 years on you and have made some sort of peace with my CSA and my family.

when I was your age I focused on developing a fun, kind and supportive social group whom I still rely on. Do you have friends who can support you and enjoy life with?

He isn’t your dad. He’s your biological father.

You can’t make sense of how he treated you because you’re a normal, loving, decent human being. He is none of these things.

Hard as it is, try and take the emotion out of it. Don’t think of him as your dad. He’s just a really shitty man who doesn’t deserve a second more of your headspace or attention.

I’m sorry. Your dad is callous, selfish and not deserving of you in his life. I suspect you turn the rejection inwards and maybe search for what you did ‘wrong’ or why you were not deserving of being his priority. But he is the one who did wrong in a way that is unforgivable. I honestly don’t think he should be your priority right now. His continuing behaviour places himself front and centre without regard for others. I think it would be worth doing some kind of therapy or counselling to work things out in your own head. On the face of it, continuing contact seems likely to lead to more pain rather than the love and support you whole heartedly deserve. All the best x

He let you down when you were a child, and he let you down by not apologising and admitting how wrong he was when you brought it up.

It isn't you, it's him.

It doesn't matter that it is a long time ago.

Have you had any counselling for the way your Dad has treated you and for the CSA?

It my help you decide what to do - shrug and forgive / go no contact / write him a letter telling him how he has made you feel / other options.

But you are your priority to yourself. Everything you have achieved has been your own work and ability. Happinesses you have are down to you and those who have behaved better. Be proud of yourself - you don't need his selfish validation to be strong and proud.

@ShadowTheHedgehog Hi I just wanted to drop by and say that you should find a good therapist if you haven't already. Sending my best wishes x

What a monster. You should have been his priority. Why do you continue to see him?

'Im 26 now and some days I just feel like a scared little kid all over again'

Please believe me when I say that most people feel like this, at least some of the time. I'm 45 and often feel scared and vulnerable

What your dad said to you was really dreadful. He sounds cold, selfish and heartless. A comment like that isn't something you just 'get over' and as a previous poster said, it's not just one comment, it's a whole pattern of letting you down and being a shit father.

I have had issues with emotionally neglectful parents and I can't recommend therapy enough. Psychodynamic psychotherapy in particular. It really helped me to learn my own self worth and to slowly distance myself from my parents. It was a very painful process but ultimately incredibly healing x

OP you do not need to get over this because it was some time ago. It's also part of a pattern isn't it, where he has not considered your feelings the way a parent should. Even a lazy, selfish parent should be able to be there for their child when something as serious as this happens. But he's no good. It's not good enough. You deserve better and always did! You really don't have to keep up a relationship with him, he wasn't a parent to you.

I’m somehow only just learning as an adult that some men have this capacity to be a caring parent to a child, then somehow switch that off and become dad to another baby and drop the old one. It must be something in their DNA that helped their chances of passing on their genes, because I have seen a lot of men do this, and I just can’t understand it.
In other words, it’s not you, it’s him. He was interested in the new woman and playing father to her new baby. No doubt he ended up being a crap dad to them too.
you deserve better. Xxx

Jesus. Of course that's stuck with you. I'm sorry you had such a limited, inadequate father, you deserve better. But this is 100% about his limitations, not yours. His failures do not say anything at all about your worth.

Yes, that’s a good point, I consciously treat my children in a loving and caring way. I adore them and make sure they know it. Although frankly I can’t imagine being any other way with them , but there you go !

Not the point of your thread but I’m surprised that you have contact with your dad considering his behaviour in your childhood.

I am very sorry about what happened to you but I am not surprised that someone who could callously decrease contact with a child is downplaying the awful things that happened to you and twisting his lack of concern into him having more urgent priorities. You need to remind yourself that he’s a cold selfish man who can’t be relied on. He’s not sorry for his behaviour in the past and need to protect yourself by having no expectations of fatherly behaviour from him. I understand why you’re hunting for signs that he loves and cares for you despite being so absent but don’t try and clutch at straws that aren’t there 💐

🎯