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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to see DP's friends anymore?

34 replies

Whatinthedoopla · 18/05/2025 06:31

My partner and I have 2 DC, both are toddlers.

During the first year of having our first baby, it was really hard on us, we didn't have any local support from family or friends, the house we lived in was really small. We argued quite a bit because of this, but we moved closer to family, and into a bigger house and it became a lot better.

In the past when my DP gets frustrated with me/kids, he tells his friend what happened. I would get annoyed by this because I feel like his friends will now start disliking me, they have even messaged him asking if we are right together. I asked him to stop giving them details of our arguments, they can know the surface level details only, they don't tell my DP details of their own family arguements, so why does he have to do it. He says it's because he doesn't have anywhere else. I mention to him he has Mumsnet, Reddit, a counselor. I do these things - purposely do not tell my family or friends anything to ensure they don't look at him badly.

Now he has gone off and given details to his friend about the arguements we had when we had our first baby, like as if they happend yesterday! I said to my DP that it happened ages ago, and it was our worst year, why do I need to be judged for it by his friend.

My DP has many faults, and is not perfect.

I have said to him that he can continue to talk about me to his friend, which I actually don't care about, I just ask that I never see them again.

My DP is willing to break off our relationship because of this, but can't look at his friends in the face knowing that they only know his side of the story and has painted me as the monster and him as the saint!

OP posts:
Etaerio · 18/05/2025 06:55

Pipsquiggle · 18/05/2025 06:52

This all seems a bit weird.

Talking to good friends about your relationship issues is normal. Most people do this. You just wanting him to use Reddit, Mumsnet or a counsellor seems a little controlling and extreme.

Him lying to his mates about you and bringing up resolved issues from ages ago also seems petty and ridiculous. Why would your DH want to purposely bring up old arguments just for the purpose of making you look bad? That's a red flag.

Sounds like you should both go to couples counselling. Both of you are showing unreasonable behaviour.

He doesn't appear to have lied - at least OP didn't mention that in her first post.

Pipsquiggle · 18/05/2025 06:52

This all seems a bit weird.

Talking to good friends about your relationship issues is normal. Most people do this. You just wanting him to use Reddit, Mumsnet or a counsellor seems a little controlling and extreme.

Him lying to his mates about you and bringing up resolved issues from ages ago also seems petty and ridiculous. Why would your DH want to purposely bring up old arguments just for the purpose of making you look bad? That's a red flag.

Sounds like you should both go to couples counselling. Both of you are showing unreasonable behaviour.

whynotmereally · 18/05/2025 06:49

I’ve talked to friends/family about rows with dh before but they don’t slate him nor do they think badly of him. Either his friends are terrible at supporting him and getting too overly invested or he’s making himself the victim and exaggerating his side sp they think your awful or you are really poorly treating him and they feel he needs to get out of there.

One question is why is he reporting all this back to you? I don’t go back to dh and tell him what my friends said or even that I spoke to them that would be massively unhelpful. Of course you will feel awkward around them. It’s your choice whether to separate yourself from his friends but it will only fuel the fire that you are a bad person. It would be better to show a United front and let them see what your relationship is actually like. If they are rude to you then you have a legitimate reason not to spend time together.

Bustabloodvessel · 18/05/2025 06:47

He can talk to whomever he wants for support. You need to stop trying to control that. You sound very immature

Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 18/05/2025 06:43

Agix · 18/05/2025 06:37

People should not be prevented from going to their friends for support. That's controlling and abusive, asking someone to keep quiet about how you treat them. If you don't want your partner telling their friends awful things about how you treat them, treat them better.

That said, if your partner is exaggerating, lying or ONLY telling them bad things without admitting their part in it repeatedly, the issue is your partner. It becomes a smear campaign. They WANT their friends to think negatively of you, and that is also abusive.

If he's doing the latter, you do need to leave, because it's purposeful and won't stop.

The latter is what is happening, and I did ask him to message his friend with details about what he did, and he said he wouldn't.

OP posts:
Etaerio · 18/05/2025 06:38

A kind YABU. It's normal to get things off your chest with friends and can actually be very helpful in helping see things from a different perspective. Most relationships have frustrations and arguments and as long as your partner isn't being dishonest in what he tells his friends, and as long as your behaviour isn't actually beyond the pale, they won't think you're a monster.

Agix · 18/05/2025 06:37

People should not be prevented from going to their friends for support. That's controlling and abusive, asking someone to keep quiet about how you treat them. If you don't want your partner telling their friends awful things about how you treat them, treat them better.

That said, if your partner is exaggerating, lying or ONLY telling them bad things without admitting their part in it repeatedly, the issue is your partner. It becomes a smear campaign. They WANT their friends to think negatively of you, and that is also abusive.

If he's doing the latter, you do need to leave, because it's purposeful and won't stop.

Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 18/05/2025 06:37

Spiderwomann · 18/05/2025 06:33

I talk to my friends about my marriage sometimes for support, they don't go messaging DH though (that does seem strange). Is it that hard not to see them?

One of his friends are getting married, and I've said I don't want to go, but he insists that I have to

OP posts:
Spiderwomann · 18/05/2025 06:33

I talk to my friends about my marriage sometimes for support, they don't go messaging DH though (that does seem strange). Is it that hard not to see them?

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