To not want to see DP's friends anymore?

I might be misunderstanding things but it sounds like the talking to his friends about arguments is something that is happening frequently. If so, I think the first issue is addressing the reason for all these arguments as it doesn’t sound healthy for arguments to be happening so often, it suggests there is a fundamental problem in the relationship that needs to be resolved. It sounds a little like by telling people about things and then feeding back to you, he’s trying to prove to you that you are ‘wrong’ and the one that is to blame. Telling him not to tell his friends does not actually resolve anything. Saying you don’t want to see his friends any more also does not resolve things. I am not saying that this is all on you or that you have done anything wrong because I don’t know. But the thing to work on is the fundamental basis of the relationship. you need to work out why you are both behaving like this instead of working as a team. Maybe it’s him. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s a bit of both. But you both need to communicate openly and not defensively to get anywhere.

I think you’re both being a bit odd.

You can’t tell him not to talk to his friends about his problems, that’s harsh. I love that my friends and I can vent to each other and it’s a non-judgemental environment. It’s a normal thing to do. You suggesting he goes on forums to vent is a bit controlling and daft as, I’m sure many people get way more value from actually talking to people they know and having those in person conversations with people who care.

His wrongdoing in my opinion, is that he’s telling you he’s doing it. And telling you his friends are texting him asking if the relationship is okay. Why is he doing that? What’s the need? I’ll have little vents about my partner to my friends, just to get little issues off my chest, but then I don’t go home and tell him I’ve done it. It’s unecessary.

But you seem not to need any support. Op's husband may

I guess I’m in the minority here, but I don’t think it’s good to involve other people in all your arguments as a couple. I don’t argue with my wife that often, but if we do it’s extremely rare I tell anyone else as I don’t want to negatively influence anyone else’s opinion of her, plus it’s our private business.

If I do tell anyone else, usually it’s just a light hearted comment of yeah we’ve argued about that too.

I don’t think it’s good to involve other people in every argument or disagreement you have because your friends and family are likely to be biased so won’t give great advice, it also invites gossip and your partner can’t provide their side of the story so it’s not fair.

Dictating what he can tell other people and driving a wedge between him and his friends is abusive and controlling behaviour.

I tell my friend about all of the arguments I have with DH, this is maybe once every couple of years, if that. So if she was relaying weekly arguments to me then it would look like I wasn’t telling her anything - but in reality it’s unhealthy and unusual to have arguments this often and both you and your DH need someone who loves you outside of the relationship to give you that perspective.

It depends how they behave towards you. On the face of it, him telling them about you wouldn't make me want to never see them again. Private chats between him and his friends aren't really anything to do with you, so unless they're being rude to you, I'd just be pleasant to them.

There are some of my dh's friends who I don't like, but that's because of a very complicated history I had with them before I even started dating dh. I don't mind if he talks about me to them though and I hope they support him (jury's out on how actually supportive they are, but that's up to dh)

How do you know what he’s said to them, what they have said back etc?

YABU to think you can stipulate who DP can confide in.

If them talking about how you act, or react or how you treat them puts you in a bad light - surely that's on you?

Regardless if that treatment happened last week or last year, it's obviously unresolved with them, just because you want them to put up, shut up and suck it up doesn't make it right.

YABU

Sounds like he is setting you up to fail.

My DH is you in this scenario. Sometimes in the middle of an argument he will comment on how he expects I will run off to bitch to my mates about him.

I do get support from my mates. I dont have family nearby and they are my support network. We whinge, moan and offer each other advice but crucially we also move on. One friend very regularly bitches about her useless DH but i meet him regularly to socialise as families and think hes lovely, funny etc. I dont judge him based on her rants. I listen to her and offer advice if she wants it and focus on my own life. We are grown ups and we understand relationships arent perfect, we hear only one version of events, that its good to let of steam but we also know when to mind our own business and move on.

I have explained this to my DH. He is stilll a bit sensitive to it but he grew up in an environment where conflict/challenege was not allowed (by his authoritarian father), and you didnt share feelings or problems. Maybe look back at how conflict was handled in your household and ask yourself why this is bothering you so much?

Your DH is not wrong and you may just have to accept he does things differently to you.

Dont take the step of cutting out his mates before you look hard at this and why you are feeling the way you do (angry, paranoid, ashamed?….)

You know the truth about the relationship op and that is the important thing.

everyone knows to listen to a moaning spouse with a bit of a pinch of salt. Unless you are actually awful/abusive then you are overthinking the issue of him talking to his friends about you… so long as he is doing that in a normal/ non controlling way.

do you come from a family that never talks about things?

me and my ex had this difference…. It was one of the big reasons he is an ex. He cared far more about what I said about our relationship than the relationship itself .. he wouldn’t have cared if I was as miserable as sin… as long as I never told anyone!

In my group of close friends, we all have a moan about our spouses on occasion, I think that's normal! I know their partners well and know that they have good points as well and that the relationships are generally happy, we all go through rough patches though and a good friend will listen and support. It sounds like you and your partner have bigger problems than the general niggles about everyday stuff though. Maybe his friends are genuinely concerned that the relationship is bad for him?

That is quite honestly most threads on MN 🤣.

There are so many times I would love to hear the other side of story, because I suspect most posts berating their partners, are floating in exaggeration with details omitted that might sway posters to not sympathise as much.

As a pp said, I’d be focusing on the fact that this seems to be a deeply unhappy relationship rather than on him seeking support from his friends.

I think it is good your partner has friends for support over mumsnet & reddit. I think some boundaries should be in place in what is shared but you may have gone too far with the ultimatums. Try not to care what other people might think and live your life.

I would absolutely not give my friends or family details of the (rare) arguments I have with my wife- I think that's a very shitty, disloyal thing to do. (Except for the time we had a row over toothpaste, because that was hilarious and we were both being deeply unreasonable!)

It really sounds like neither you nor your partner are very happy in your relationship, @Whatinthedoopla. In your position, I'd tell him you want to go to couple's counselling. If he's not willing to do that, I'd consider leaving.

I’d never say anything that would encourage my friends to see my partner in a bad light. My first loyalty is to him and I don’t bitch about him. None of my friends badmouth their partners and I’d feel really uncomfortable if they did. My DP and I sort our problems out together, not by me bitching about him to my friends. If you’re having so many problems that this is an issue then you need to look more closely at the quality of your relationship and ask if it’s something you really want long term.

My friends are my rock when DH and I go through turbulent times, and they offload to me about their love lives. You can't tell someone they're not allowed to offload their feelings to people. It seems to me the bigger issue you have is your DH is feeding back what his friends are saying to him as advice, which isn't necessary for him to do. I sincerely doubt his friends dislike you or even give you much thought outside of the conversations they've had with your DH. Wanting to cut off contact with them because of this is also extreme - it's your DH who's the issue by stirring ill-feeling between you and his friends, not the friends themselves.

Rather than tell your DH he isn't allowed to speak to his friends or that you don't want to see them, can you instead tell him you're not interested in any feedback they've given and that you don't want to know about any discussions he's had with his friends? The only opinion that should matter to you is your DH's when it comes to conflict resolution.

I did. The relevant part is where she agrees with the statement of the previous comment: "That said, if your partner is exaggerating, lying or ONLY telling them bad things without admitting their part in it repeatedly, the issue is your partner. It becomes a smear campaign. " Given that her initial post did not mention lying, and indeed seemed upset about the detail of the recollection of arguments, it seems reasonable to infer that OP was agreeing to the third part of the suggested scenario: that is, ONLY telling them bad things without admitting their part in it. If OP's partner had been lying, that would surely be front and centre of her post.

is this the partner you started the thread entitled “I think he hates me”

because presuming it is, good grief OP - this relationship” is more akin to two enemies living under the same roof and raising children together

Well this sounds like a joyous environment for children to grow up in op

He's allowed to talk to his friends. It's completely normal. You sound like you're trying to control the situation which is unfair on him.

It seems an odd sense of priority to focus on this rather than the glaringly obvious issue that you’re in an unhappy relationship

@Etaerio read her third post

they don't tell my DP details of their own family arguements

I don’t have “family arguments” or at least very very rarely. Perhaps, shock, this friend is the same