So much negativity on social media about having children

Totally agree with all of this.

I think part of the problem is that we’ve developed a culture of what I call ‘mum martyrs’ who seem to think they have to give up their whole lives to their children.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

My body wasn’t ruined by having kids — far from it. I look after myself and am the same weight as before kids (8 stone), toned. I look better than a lot of people 20 years younger who haven’t had kids to be honest.

We shared the childcare and domestic duties. Non-negotiable. The kids all have jobs around the house and always have done to share the load.

I had a sleep routine which meant they slept through the night at 11, 9 and 12 weeks respectively.

I arranged my career around my kids, stayed at home looking after them for about 7 years (working a tiny amount freelance to keep my hand in) then went back into a senior role 3 days a week. I’m now earning 70k.

I have a wide and lovely friendship group who I’ve practically raised my children with. Friends for life.

Most importantly, I’ve had the joy of seeing my children grow as people, guiding through some very tough times, connecting with them more than with anyone else on the planet and seeing them succeed and excel.

I won’t be alone in old age because they are there for me, and hopefully one day I will have the joy of grandchildren!

I chose how I raised my kids and I didn’t lose myself in it. The narrative these days is very different — perhaps that’s what you’re hearing and why the birth rate is falling.

When I had dc there wasn't much negative press about it, it wouldn't have stopped me having them, but perhaps the negatives wouldn't have been such a shock if I'd known about them.

The body thing is rubbish though. I used to have hangups about my body that disappeared after having dc. I started to appreciate it much more, it had grown and fed two humans!

My body, life … everything is broken since having children, but they are my world, they make me happy, smile, laugh, they’re my right and left arm. If you don’t want children, fine, if you do, watching people on sm, known for being negative and not-real-life anyway, might not be a great idea!!

Would it help to have a bullet point list of the great things about having kids op, so you can compare?

Ha social media isn't known for being the most balanced and rational source of information 😂

Yes, you're tired all the time. But I'm also excited to go on trips and spend time with the two best little people in my life - of course that's tiring. So is a day out seeing museums, going to the theatre and having dinner - but it's not a bad sort of tired.

Strangers on the internet can’t answer this for you. And you sound quite immature tbh.

Having my kids is the best thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve done lots of amazing things. Noting worthwhile is a walk in the park. But I always wanted my children and can’t imagine not having them.

But I have no idea if you should have kids op. It’s of course 100% your call.

I voted YABU, but not because people might be very negative about being pregnant. You may very well be right about that.

I think you are being unreasonable to be on social media at all. (Yes, I know I am a hypocrite, as Mumsnet is social media too, although discussion forums used to not be.) But algorithms on social media are deliberately written to keep you on it as long as possible. The indirect result is that it feeds to a lot of content to make you angry or scared, because that it what keeps eyeballs and "engagement".

I think this is a good thing, I had no idea what I was in for and neither did most people I know. As an example yes I realised that babies cry and keep you up, so I assumed that was for around a year. Yet now I learn it can be many years, there was a thread yesterday where a 12 year old was still coming in their parents room at night. Yes I knew childbirth would hurt, that's obvious. I had no idea it could rip everything including your arsehole. I could go on. Best to be informed prior to getting pregnant I think! Mental load was only a term I learned after having a baby, all my new mum friends were like omg that thing we were talking about it's an actual thing. My mum group are a group of intelligent, professionals in their mid thirties. Yet we were all clueless AF!

All those statements are true though!

I feel like telling people the truth is better than pretending it will be all sunshine and roses!

Having kids is mainly pretty hard, and the impact is more on the mum than the dad. It's much better to make an informed decision about whether you want them. I wanted kids despite this, and I'd never change it, but at least I wasn't surprised by the impact it had.

You can find 4 negative bullet point on practically anything. Yes there are some challenges that come with having children but what's hard to put into words is the wonderfulness of it. I have three and my youngest is 18 months. Tough as it can be, I want to freeze time and stay in this mum to young children phase.

Priorities change and things seemed important - toned stomachs and a good night's sleep - become insignificant.

I never see anything like this. Social media use algorithm so the more you look at something the more you will see it.

No one can say because everyone's experiences are different based on various factors and what you want out of life; some people would be miserable if they had children regardless of anything else because it's just not for them. Generally if you aren't sure/have any doubts I'd say don't have them!

My personal opinion is that one of the main factors affecting a woman's experience of motherhood is how decent of a dad and how decent of a support their partner is to them. I haven't seen this sort of content on social media but going by your points my personal experience (which will differ from everyone elses):

• your body looks worse and will never look the same/as good

i always hated my body growing up- tall and gangly but I felt beautiful for the first time during pregnancy and appreciate my body now which has made me feel far more confident. That said, I have seen a lot of friends and family struggle with their changing body, some women unfortunately have birth injuries etc which affects them sometimes for life also.

• you are exhausted all the time

I was when DS was a baby, but i was on maternity leave so didnt have to juggle working as well- DH also did his share which helped. I guess it's tiring still now more so than if I didn't have a child, but I think being an adult in general is often exhausting! I certainly don't remember feeling refreshed and well rested all of the time before having him.

*you will never have any time to do anything

Logically this doesn't make much sense, you have the same amount of time still, but obviously the content of what you do changes. I have a hobby I do a few times a week and most weekends in the summer, see my friends regularly, do a job i love and we do lots of lovely things as a family or i do them with just DS; this isn't possible if you have a useless partner or necessarily if you end up single. Lots of things I did growing up like clubbing (which i could do now if I wanted to tbf) i grew out of a few years before having DS, whilst there are certainly compromises on my time there's not much really I can't ever do that I want to. I also really enjoy doing stuff with DS- but for some childrens type stuff would be a nightmare!

• you will do all the mental load and your partner will do nothing which you will massively resent him for

Again stems back to having a decent partner. I'd say I (irrationally) worry about some stuff more, but DH is more organised than me and due to working patterns does more school drop offs etc. It is true though lots of women get left to it and decent men can turn useless after having a child so not always easy to predict.

They can be true but also it’s what make out if it. The body part I find not true. The rest, yes you’re exhausted for a few years and feel like crap constantly. But it’s all a phase and you move through them. I also didn’t want kids- not influenced by social media but by my babysitting experience. When I was in my late 30s for me the question was what I’ll regret more in 10,20,30 years- having a kid or not. I figured I’d like to experience parenthood. I love my kid to death and at the same time I’m glad I’ll never have to do any of it again.

Not to mention that you should be very thankful for those who do have children.

Accepting that it is as horrible as you think it might be...then all of those mum's are doing you a huge favor.

You want to grow old in a functional society right? With transportation, power, medical care, etc?

Who do you think is going to give you that?

It's all those other mum's children. It's their upaid and unappreciated labour that will keep society functioning for "child free" people to live in. Their kids will care for you, when you are old, and will create the world you will live in.

It is in a broader societal way, a quite selfish decision to not have children, because it means that you are happy to rely on others sacrifices. And not put in the contribution yourself to create the next generation that we all need.

Is it all true? It’s hard work, but when you’re childless I guess you just see the hard work and sacrifice. You’d have to know that feeling of loving someone unconditionally and so deeply to know that the sacrifices are worth it. I am in my final year of parenting a child now, youngest is 17 and eldest is 31, i’m not 50 yet so you can see all my adult life has been spent parenting. Do I regret it? Not for a second. I enjoyed it, yes it was hard at times but I was fortunate to have really good kids / teens.

Is it mostly true? Yes.

But is it the whole picture? No..

Those posts are missing the great things that children bring to your life, and missing the problems with being child-free.

It's easy to be without children and feel good about it during your 20s, 30s, 40s? 50s? But by your later life? When travelling is tiring, shopping doesn't bring the excitement, most of your friends have children.. some are dying. You need care. Hospital stays. Social life and partying are gone?

I've known plenty of elderly people, and the regret of those who end up isolated and alone is hard to deal with. Especially compared to the big warm families that some people enjoy into their old age.

Of course that is a selfish outlook, but so is the OPs..all of the negatives are about their own happiness, so it is fair to also point out the personal negatives of the other side. Of course this isn't the reason you have children and parents all know this. But if child-free people want to point out the problems children cause in your younger years.. it is fair to point out the bennifits they bring in your later years. (And that is ignoring the great things they also bring in your younger years)

You are young and beautiful for a short time... These days you are older for a lot longer.

I agree with you apart from the comment asking why go on a parent forum. Plenty of topics on here that isn’t to do with being a parent. But agree it’s a weird post. I suspect it’s a goady troll post intended to cause some drama.

Where are you seeing this? I’ve never seen anything of this on social media. There are negatives to having children and positives, I certainly wouldn’t be basing my decision to having kids on what I see on social media. If you’re that bothered block them pages.

Don’t have one if you don’t want to. Mine are the best things that have ever happened to me but I was desperate to be a mum.

I don’t think I’ve ever read anything like this online.

None of those things are exclusive to people who have children.

There are enough threads on here by child free women to show you that, if you don't know many child free women in real life.

Weird post, as it's mostly parents posting about how exhausting and hard it all is.

Parenthood is tiring but I feel like my life would feel a bit meaningless if I had never had a child.

It seems to me that it's seen as fine to go on social media and say how awful/tiring etc. life is with kids, but normal people may be discouraged from posting how great it is and how empty life would feel without kids, because it can make people who wanted kids but never had any feel bad. That will add to how slanted things seem.

Also, people enjoying life with kids have less time to post (apart from Mum-influencers but I find them fake and don't count them).

If you don't want kids then that's an absolutely fine choice - if you don't have any desire for it then you might not find it enriching. I am only saying that for me personally it has given mine purpose and perspective which I would be poorer without.

That's just algorithms.

I’m afraid it’s your algorithm that is bringing these things on your reel. Mines all knitting, animal videos, cute kids, homesteading and craft stuff, interspersed with bad driving videos. Skip them don’t watch to the end and search for loads of other interests to try and reset it.