So much negativity on social media about having children

I definitely think there’s a movement which is anti patenting. You don’t even need to go on social media, just talk to people 25-35, so many of them say they don’t want children (too expensive, want time to ‘adventure’, too many people on the planet already etc)

I think it’s really sad. I really do.

You don’t even need to take my word for it, look at the declining birth rates, people aren’t having kids

No of course not, what a strange way to look at it. I’m just pointing out some of the positives of having children to balance the negatives in the OP. Yes there’s hard parts of having children but there’s also many, many positives, this being one of them.

Having children looks like utter hell on earth to me - there is just nothing about it that looks even remotely appealing. However, that view has nothing to do with social media and everything to do with my own feelings and what I see in real life.

I think if you really want children, nothing you see on social media will put you off, whereas if you're a bit undecided, you're probably more likely to be swayed by what you see online.

So everyone should have children as an insurance policy then?

Of course it’s not a guarantee, and yes people more involved in the community and making an effort with friends will mean they hopefully won’t be lonely in old age, but having children generally does mean unconditional love and therefore family around when older, and often grandchildren (though not a given). When my grandma was very old it was family who was around to help, keep her company and take her out as although she was very social her friends were also elderly by then and unable to help and be around. It was that which kept her going and stopped her from being lonely.

I find it true but I have 2 small kids 19m apart with no family nearby. And I'm the sort of person who likes space and quiet time so it is all very overwhelming. Others will have a different experience.

My body bounced back after 1st but not 2nd but I think that's because I was very slim and now we're eating more kid-friendly bread and pasta and I don't have time to go for walks like I used to. I was chronically exhausted for a year or so with each baby. Having so much all the time does challenge a relationship.

It's worth it though. They're hard work but they're cute and funny and sweet. I feel really lucky that I'm the person they want most in the world. I feel more focused in my life because of them. Previously I floated through a lot more.

Well, I dont agree that this is all true, generalisations generally arent.

• your body looks worse and will never look the same/as good

Depends on how you look after it. I go running daily, lift weights and eat fairly clean - my body actually looks better and more toned now that it did in my 20s when I lived on a student diet of Pinot Grigio and pot noodles. Equally, I know people without kids who are very out of shape - no judgement of course, but I believe our bodies are usually the result of how we treat them.

*you are exhausted all the time

Yes, this is absolutely true when they are babies - it is exhausting getting up in the night, but it doesnt last more than a year or two when they start sleeping through and become more independent.

• you will never have any time to do anything

This one is just silly isn't it? I started a business from scratch when my kids were 10 and 12 and now employ over 50 people. The idea that parents are doomed to a life of "not doing anything" is very silly. Kids dont stay kids forever- they, you know....grow up.

• you will do all the mental load and your partner will do nothing which you will massively resent him for

Depends entirely on whether you are married to a dick head or not doesnt it? I know women without kids who are in relationships with arsehole men so not having kids isnt going to protect you from the chances of this happening. Thankfully, my DH isnt like this so this isnt true for us.

People always say if you don't want kids don't have them. I'm not convinced by that, the people I know who have struggled most with parenthood were those who were absolutely convinced it's what they wanted but had a Disneyfied view of parenthood.

People who don't want children not having children sounds entirely sensible. Plenty of people who do want them recognise it won't be plain sailing, can see what you mean about people who don't do this and assume it's sunshine and rainbows.

None of it is true for me.

Body much the same. No worse than any of the child-free people that I know.

Not exhausting for very long

They were hard work for about 1-2 years but a lot less hard work than the first 2 years of my main job and my children were a lot more enjoyable.

Maternity leave gave me time to think about my career and change it for the better.

DH pulls his weight and we both completely love our children which creates an additional bond.

We do lots of stuff. I don’t feel like I have missed out on anything. They have opened up opportunities that I wouldn’t have otherwise have explored.

They grow up very fast and most of their lives they are adults. The relationship with my mum is one of the most important relationships that I have in my life and vice versa.

I realise that it isn’t like this for everyone but the vast majority of parents, that I know, love having children.

I agree with this. I mean I'm glad I am a mum but I work in Older adult social work and really can't see much difference in lonlieness in those adults that don't have children and those that do. In fact some of the least lonely elderly adults I've met have been ones that have been actively engaged in their communities and built up connections that way. It's the adults that have completely absorbed themselves into their nuclear families and then realise their children have their own families, jobs and have moved away or have busy lives that are the most lonely.

I remember having a wobble about having an only child and them and myself being lonely and a wise counsellor told me "it's the absence of community not family that makes people lonely" and I 100% believe that to be true and see it every day in my work.

Basing your view on whether to have kids on a social media post is daft but equally having kids because of some belief they'll prevent lonlieness or they will be there for you when you're elderly is equally ridiculous.

People always say if you don't want kids don't have them. I'm not convinced by that, the people I know who have struggled most with parenthood were those who were absolutely convinced it's what they wanted but had a Disneyfied view of parenthood. Those that considered not having children because of the hard work but did it anyway were better prepared for the utter exhaustion of early parenthood.

I was ambivalent about having children, DH was very keen (this isimportant, it meant he pulled his weight). We didn't have them until our late 30s but then had 3DC. They are now teenagers and they are fabulous. Having your first child is like being hit by a bus but they get more and more interesting and enjoyable to be around with every year. Preschool is drudgery, primary school are the golden years, secondary school is when they start becoming your best friends. My eldest is now 17 and my DC are my favourite people to spend time with and I'm already dreading the day they go off to university and we no longer see each other every day.

So don’t then? Case closed.

If you wanted to, you could use your critical thinking skills to explore whether what you see on social media is a well rounded and in depth view or not. Talk to parents you know in real life. But it’s totally fine if you’ve decided not to have kids, so probably not worth exploring, if it’s already decided.

I am 35 and have 3 kids, it’s awesome! Yes I’m very busy but to me that’s not a bad thing at all.

Having children is not a guarantee that you will not be lonely in old age. Plenty of people have children and end up lonely and isolated because their children emigrate or just don’t give a shit about them. Plenty of older people without children are less lonely than you would think because they’ve put more effort into maintaining wider social networks rather than relying on their children for company.

Then you are very very immature. So you see posts on SM and that influences you about a life changing decision and you take that as confirmation?

If you don't want children, then yes, you probably would have a more miserable life if you had children.

For those of us who were absolutely sure we wanted children (and were realistic about what that would look like) and who are in happy marriages/relationships, then no, it's not true.

Specifically:

• My body looks the same as it did before, except for a Caesarean scar.
• I was exhausted all the time for the first 18 months or so, but it has slowly got better over the last year.
• I really enjoy spending the majority of the time with my child, but if I want to do something without her, I can go and do that because she has another parent. (Obviously this is much harder for single parents).
• I DO carry the mental load, but I don't resent my wife for it, because her brain just doesn't work that way. What she DOES do (which it sounds like many men utterly fail at) is do anything I tell her to do, chores-wise, without question. (I still do the bulk of housework and life admin because I'm a SAHM and she works).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being childfree, it's a completely valid choice but I wouldn't be basing it on a social media post.

I have a 3 year old. My body pretty much went back to normal after birth and I was in my pre maternity clothes about a month afterwards.

The first few months can be tiring but I work full time now and generally don't feel any more tired than I did pre child. I am not keeling over with exhaustion. I tend to get 8-9 hours sleep a night. I have time to see friends, go on weekends away, clean my house etc. My husband shares the mental load and I really don't feel overwhelmed by things.

In fact I don't recognise anything from your post that relates to my situation and most of my friends with kids feel the same as I do. As I said there is nothing wrong with not having children but if the only reason you're not doing it is based on the posts on social media, then that is something else. There will be plenty of other posts that balance those ones out.

I think the experience entirely depends on:

1. How easy your baby/child is
2. How much your partner does
3. How much support you get (eg 'hands on' grandparents)
4. How much of a natural mother you are (some people are just naturally great and born to be mothers and love every minute)

All true points
but I would still do it again rather than be childfree by choice

Don't take advice from Social Media.

Some of it is true yes, you’ll be tired and not have as much time for yourself, but some relies on how good a partner you have. I get some time to myself and don’t me on all the mental load as my DH does a lot and is a great father and husband.

It also only shows one side of it, the negative side of having kids, it doesn’t show the positives which for me outweigh the negatives. The love you feel for you child is completely different from anything else, and I’m so grateful I get to experience it. Having a busy happy household surrounded by people you love and who love you, always there to do things with, getting to see them grow and learn is so amazing, the love they have for you unconditionally, and hopefully having a loving family when you’re old. I wouldn’t change what I have with my DCs, having them was the best thing I’ve done and has changed my life for the better.

I think the first is untrue. My body was at it's absolute best between DC1 & DC2 aged 29. It's age not having DCs.

I have 2 small kids (one of whom has additional needs - may alter things). In my experience the first 3 points are completely true. But it’s just something you have to accept for a while for the benefits DC bring.

Ps op nobody can tell you whether you want kids and there are posts after posts of people on mn who have huge regrets having them, in some cases people whose whole life was actually about having them.

My eldest is doing his leaving cert here in Ireland, he doesn’t study and I don’t know what to say to all the people who ask is he so stressed. I’m at my wits end over that BUT he is a chatty, hilarious, friendly guy who makes most people he meets smile. He’ll do fine for himself. Societal expectations are bullshit. People need to figure out what makes them happy, as do you x

I love my life.

I think some of it is to do with women having too many kids/kids with different men/are martyrs. I have to admit that when I used to do school run some women looked horrendous but I suspect they just didn’t bother looking after themselves in general, lots were overweight, scruffy, aged badly..I don’t know any childless women who looked as awful