So much negativity on social media about having children

Thank you, that's very reassuring to hear.

None of us can predict what old age will look like for any of us. Some of us won't need care, some of us won't even make it to old age anyway! All we can do is just try and live the best life we can now and build connections and make friends as we can go along. And it's never too late to make new friends. My mum retired at 65, started volunteering and met a whole new group of friends that she has been on holiday with and regularly has boozy lunches with!

It's very easy to go google and find studies that will support your view point. I've just had a quick Google myself and found links to studies that show not having children doesn't mean you will be less isolated and lonely as you get older.

I've met plenty of clients who have children and families that are isolated or have families living in different countries. It isn't a guarantee that having children is going to make you less lonely as you get older, everyone's individual circumstances are different.

This is good to hear too, thank you. I'd like to hope that if I try to live intentionally and be a nice person, that I won't be entirely isolated in my old age. I'm also hoping to move to a retirement village, starting in their independent living section and then moving through different levels of care as / if needed. I do worry a lot though, and threads like these don't help at all. It's almost like I can feel some posters willing for those without children to be sad / lonely / die early.

@Laoise542

"I work in Older adult social work and really can't see much difference in lonlieness in those adults that don't have children and those that do. In fact some of the least lonely elderly adults I've met have been ones that have been actively engaged in their communities and built up connections that way. It's the adults that have completely absorbed themselves into their nuclear families and then realise their children have their own families, jobs and have moved away or have busy lives that are the most lonely."

I absolutely agree with this. I work with the elderly too and actually the least lonely and more content people are those without children. They've generally enjoyed an interesting life with greater social connections, travel and hobbies and their marriages (if both are surviving) seem closer and stronger because of it. I've seen no difference in the mortality rate for those with or without children either.

Thank you for posting this. It's quite reassuring for me as someone who isn't able to have children and is an only child herself.

It’s what I’ve come to expect from Mumsnet sadly.

Your posts are really awful and hurtful to those of us who, for no fault of our own, are unable to have children.

Adopt?

Honest answer though is it sucks? I'm sorry, but most of us have something in our life that is just unfair. Someone close, or us, with a disability, disadvantage etc. That makes life not fair. I'm sure most of the mum's on here have something that they wish was fixable in their life, but just isn't.

Hiding from reality won't solve anything, as painful as reality is for many of us.

Going to a thread that is about the disadvantages of having children (nothing to do with infertility...) and expecting people to not state facts about the benefits of children in case it upsets someone who cannot have children, isn't reasonable.. as sorry as I feel for your situation.

@NJLX2021 how do you think all this makes infertile people feel? You’re basically telling me that i will be too tired to do any travelling, all my friends will have lovely lives and will pretty much ignore me, I’ll be isolated from everyone, I’ll have no social life, I’ll die younger….

I have had people tell me that it’s “different” for people who wanted kids but couldn’t have them. But let’s face it that’s just bollocks. I actually think pretty regularly about leaving my husband so he can meet someone else while he’s still able to have kids. I don’t want him to be lonely and miserable and die young. I think about how much better his life would be in the long run if I wasn’t here anymore. So thanks for reminding me how much worse his life will be for making the error in marrying an infertile woman.

What are you on about? The vast majority of isolated elderly people have children, as your rambling demonstrates. That's neither exaggerated or misleading.

No?

Plenty of research shows that financial, emotional and social care given by family correlates strongly with deceased isolation in the elderly e.g.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11036867/

Maybe you are just making an absolute numeric point that there are more isolated elderly people with family than without? Which is likely true, but not because having a family isn't good...

But rather because back when the elderly people today were having children, the childless rate was around 12%, so the vast majority 88% of today's elderly population have or had children.

Not to mention that those without children die younger on average. Which will also leave a higher % of the isolated elderly being those with children..
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28292784/

Even taking all of that into account "almost all" is an unjustifiable exageration, and a highly misleading claim.

You are right.

In the same way that having children isn't a guarantee of the bad things that the op mentioned.

It's just the algorithms making sure you see more content of what you've already engaged with.

My FB feed is full of babies doing funny things, hair hacks, weird ways to wear shirts and how to do make up so your face doesn't look old!

None of that means I want a baby (teens here), nor can I do a decent updo, nor rock an unusually buttoned shirt, and my face looks old whatever I do.

Don't sweat it. Make life choices based on what you want, not the content SM sends your way.

Some parents are very negative and seem to take glee putting that out there. It's always been like this though, it's not a social media thing - back when I grew up, it was a way a lot of mothers socialised together, going on about how horrible parenting was and warning the kids to never do it (while also cursing them "I hope you have one just like you").

Part of me is glad people can be open about what they're struggling with and get support and compassion. Part of me finds it uncomfortable at times. I don't like it being done around the kids - it led to a lot of horrible feelings growing up, I can only imagine how kids who are being filmed while their parents discuss how horrible parenting them, knowing it's going to be shared with the world are feeling.

Sometimes it does feel both online and in-person that people are trying one up who is having the worst time parenting. I saw it a lot growing up, still see it now, it seems popular when someone is discussing considering having kids for them to get piled by parents on all the horrible things, and how they need to 'enjoy X while they can.', I find it very draining. I imagine the opposite is equally so, but I haven't seen it so don't have that experience.

I don't think I ever had the biological urge, having kids was a decision my husband and I came to after a lot of conversations we had about it before we got engaged and decided to live together permanently. Other people's chat about it wasn't really part of our decision making, it was more do we agree to have kids and what are our values and priorities around them and other parts of life. I fully think I would be equally if very differently happy without kids, and I'm open that it was something I chose because of those conversations and our agreements on it that ended up working (I told him at the time that if he didn't keep up with that, I'd stop at one. We have four).

Of those concerns, first varies a lot, but there are plenty of women who get into the best shape of their lives later in life after kids; being tired all the time from kids I'd say was only really when they were tiny and I was breastfeeding at night, if we didn't have time to do anything - websites like this wouldn't work; this is down to the couple - it can happen with or without kids, though I agree with others it's hard to tell before having kids how much will actually end up on your plate.

As others said, what you interact with is what you get on many social media platforms. If you try looking up more positive content or block that content, you'll get better.

PP specifically said better.

Er nope. One of my friends was 100% she didnt want kids- now regrets it deeply in her 50s but it's too late. She actually went through a stage of being really depressed about it.

What do I feel is difficult about what? Being a parent?

I don’t find it difficult, I love being a mum, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t exhausting and time consuming though 🤣

I would kill for a day where I don’t hear the word, “Mom……” at least 50 times a day.

When I hear them calling for me from another room my heart drops a little as I know they want me for something whereas all I want to do is sit down with an undisturbed cup of tea 🤣

@Alltheoldpaintings a d @LondonLady1980

What do you find so difficult about it? And could they be things you could change/influence?

I do feel that parenting is what you make it.

They're not better, they're different. But that's the expectation when you have kids

Maybe they enjoy family hoildays - it's often a different type of holiday.

We bemused IL who never did them they want to to drink and eat and sit by pool and do lots of walks. Then they invited themsleves on our hoildays - and then moan we weren't putting kids in childcare - now they look back on those days as some of the best hoildays ever - going to family shows and fair ground rides and making sandcastle, paddling in sea and flying kites with the kids.

Now there teens often fun to do things with them - even go round new cities - they are fun and we do a wider range of things with them than we would perhaps otherwise.

It does require you to like spending time with your offspring though -- and that's sadly not always the case for many reasons.

it is so much more nuanced than this. no one can really answer your question as everyone has differing experiences based on many many variables. You might not have children but still be exhausted all the time and married to someone that carries none of the mental load required with running a house etc.
I never imagined having children, and my body changing during pregnancy, reducing the time I can do my hobbies, weekend do ‘child’ activities… it’s a complete change but I have found having children so life enriching and couldn’t imagine being without

Believe it or not lots of us actually enjoy our children. One of the best things is watching your child experience something new and them loving it. You get to experience everything as a child again, their wonder and excitement over everything.

No idea - depends on you - your health, your support network/economics - and baby you get and even country you have them in (USA has most unhappy parents and is often where research showing uphapy parnets is done)

Best thing I ever did - but it is hard work - and I had a fully on board partner and it wasn't what I was expecting - been worse and better and so unexpected.

Things I thought I'd love hated - things never thought I'd like are some of the fondest memories of my life.

Do some women regret it - yes - do most I do don't think so but hard to tell really but still suspect not. It's a gamble - not all babies are the same and grow up to be unique people and every stage is different with different challenges.

A lot of the joyful stuff sounds mundane to none parents - small and not really worth getting excited about. It's not for everyone - best you can do is be sure as you can be about trying it and adapt to child you get and your changed circustances.

How is a holiday better with the restrictions of children?

Almost all isolated old people have children.