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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to limit sister in-laws visits to once per month (max)?

31 replies

Stoneskimmer · 17/05/2025 21:11

Hi Mumsnet.

I have a very strained relationship with my sister in law due to a serious familial incident.
Had she been a friend I would have stopped all contact, however she is my husband's sister.

Over the years I have been civil for my husbands sake and have limited myself to only seeing her when necessary (birthdays, Xmas etc). On occasion when she has asked I have babysat too, I love seeing my twin nephews. I would've loved to have been more involved as their auntie but find my SIL too damaging to my own metal health after a serious familial incident (cause by a member of her family, against a member of mine).

(My husband and his sister could meet up regularly, or he could visit her house, but they do not do this).

SIL has mostly been out of our family lives (apart from keeping in touch with her brother, my husband, by text or phone) over the past 4 years, and we've only seen her in person on special occasions.

Recently though, she has invited herself to our holiday home. Husband asked me to put up with it for his sake, which I have done. Although it really annoys me and makes me feel like we're being used (I'm so grateful for what we have, but I feel it's pretty obvious sister in law is only there to enjoy the goods).

Sister in law is saying that she wants to visit us at our holiday home more often. The thought of this has made me really unhappy as I find her really unpleasant to be around (treats my children different, takes over our holiday home as if it was her own, only nice to me Infront of my husband). Also, more importantly, due to the seriousness of our past familial incident and sister in laws undermining of it and general sweeping of it under the carpet, I cannot be more than just civil and keep her at arms length. I cannot forgive her and the whole thing plays over in my mind, every time I see her.

I do not want to hurt my husband, but I have been honest in the fact that I do not see eye to eye with his sister or like some of her behaviours.

Am I being unreasonable to say that I do not want her to visit us more than once per month?

As my husband would like to be a part of his nephews lives, and still loves his sister I think I would be unreasonable to suggest she didn't visit us there at all.
He is very generous and knows that his sister loves our hot tub (she is not as well off and he likes to treat her).

OP posts:
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pizzaHeart · 19/05/2025 14:25

Seeing your update you don’t sound unreasonable at all. Once a month looks too intense and too much from the outside. Your teenager children would probably be much better off inviting their friends. And I’m sure you need family time just for you.
There are 2 types of visiting relatives : family and guests. When family visits they are helping, accepting you, supporting you. When it’s a guest visit it’s more about maintaining certain level of relationship. It looks like your SIL is in the latter camp. Would you count on her support in a difficulty ? I suspect not. So DH should be realistic - you can’t invest most of your time and energy in relationship with her, especially if she holds very different views and values. And it’s a bad example to kids , they need to learn how to keep their boundaries.
I wouldn’t raise with DH how different your sisters are towards you and your family. However if he mentioned this I would be ready to give him lots of examples !!!!

Would he and his sister been friends if there were not relatives? Would he tolerate the behaviour she presented in the past from a colleague?
Yes, you treat family differently but there are still limits to it.

Original poster
Stoneskimmer · 19/05/2025 10:06

pizzaHeart · 17/05/2025 21:58

How much time per month do you spend in your holiday home ? Do you usually have people often staying with you/ spending a day with you there?
For me once per month sounds very very excessive unless you generally keep a very open house.
I would be tempted to offer seeing her in your house under various excuses so your DH wouldn’t be able to say that she’s not welcome and the ball would be in her court.
It’s a big group of them coming for the whole day and unless you all tolerating each other well it’s a bit too much.
Do kids like to play with each other by the way?

We are there every weekend almost. It's too nice not to be there!
Our families use it sometimes when we are not there (I don't mind this as it's not impacting my time, or personal space after a busy week).
I don't keep much of an open house, only for family, which is why it's tricky because I see a lot of my sisters, I feel guilty about not wanting my SIL there often. However, my sisters also return the favour by having us over, inviting us for dinners or help us out. SIL relationship has always been more one sided, even before the familial incident.
My teenage twins get on ok with SIL stepdaughter.
My son enjoys his twin cousins for a little bit (they are full of fun but quite rowdy as only young).

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 19/05/2025 10:01

I always wonder when I read these boundary threads how people actually enforce them. Do you give them a formal schedule and cross dates off? Or send reminders like pet vaccinations:” Your next visit will be June.”

converseandjeans · 19/05/2025 09:56

YANBU your holiday home is your escape & for you to feel relaxed.

It sounds like she wants to show off to her new boyfriend - it sounds like she brings him & his daughter along. It’s a free day out for them & makes her look flash.

Honeypickle · 19/05/2025 09:54

Do you have to be there when she visits? Maybe you could be there every other one? But think once a month is too much anyway.

Original poster
Stoneskimmer · 19/05/2025 09:51

Liz1tummypain · 18/05/2025 17:27

How big is this holiday home? Wonder if she feels less likely to have to be in close proximity to you when she's staying there. She's probably picked up on your feelings.

But you really need to be having this convo with your partner, not us. Good luck.

It's fairly small but has a big garden and DH recently treated us to a lovely hot tub. It's our favourite getaway!

I do find it difficult hiding my feelings, however she is also the type to enjoy winding others up.

Thanks, I do need to speak to him yes. I just wanted to know if others (not related or friends) thought my boundary was ok.

OP posts:
Liz1tummypain · 18/05/2025 17:27

How big is this holiday home? Wonder if she feels less likely to have to be in close proximity to you when she's staying there. She's probably picked up on your feelings.

But you really need to be having this convo with your partner, not us. Good luck.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 18/05/2025 17:22

Surely dh can see she is using you both? Start inviting your friends and family to share in your spoils. When sje gets told no and most likely pouts dh can see the true dsis...

BeFirmDuck · 18/05/2025 17:17

Genevieva · 17/05/2025 21:32

Even if i got on with her really well I wouldn’t want her coming to stay that often. Life is busy. Family time with just your husband and kids is precious.

Really agree with this!

Thelnebriati · 17/05/2025 22:00

Look I'm not trying to scaremonger, but its odd that they don't come to your house. Would you consider asking the police to check out her boyfriend using Sarah's Law?

www.gov.uk/guidance/find-out-if-a-person-has-a-record-for-child-sexual-offences

pizzaHeart · 17/05/2025 21:58

How much time per month do you spend in your holiday home ? Do you usually have people often staying with you/ spending a day with you there?
For me once per month sounds very very excessive unless you generally keep a very open house.
I would be tempted to offer seeing her in your house under various excuses so your DH wouldn’t be able to say that she’s not welcome and the ball would be in her court.
It’s a big group of them coming for the whole day and unless you all tolerating each other well it’s a bit too much.
Do kids like to play with each other by the way?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/05/2025 21:50

@Stoneskimmer so your husband must have told her that you were going to your holiday house??? bloody cheek, inviting herself!!!you should really be telling him that she is not permitted to be there! you do not give her permission and he should be supporting you, as your husband! I also believe that she is hanging around like a bad smell dues to what your family has! send her packing! tell her she is not welcome in your home or your holiday home! if she wants to see your husband then he can visit her at her home! Make sure your husband never gives her a key to you holiday home!! it sounds like she is setting her sights on it!

PermanentTemporary · 17/05/2025 21:44

He can see her as much as he likes, quite clearly, but once a month at yours sounds a lot.

I dunno, I only see my SILs once a yearwhich is plenty even though I quite like them so I'm on such a different planet here i should probably butt out...

Itsoneofthose · 17/05/2025 21:44

You have to be honest with him and explain the strain you feel. Just like you have in your post. Spell it out to him. YANBU.

UndermyShoeJoe · 17/05/2025 21:44

So she’s using you guys for the location and hot tub and your husband is lapping it up believing his sister truly wants to spend time with him.

Honestly I’d be trying to kindly show him the light. Such as a well I’m going to be out all day on X so why don’t you invite her to house… oh I’ve seen X event is on I’m sure nephews would love that maybe you and your sister could take them…

He will soon start to see it’s only for the hot tub when she never wants to come to the house only the holiday home.

Start claiming the holiday home back as a private holiday home for the residents of your home.

sesquipedalian · 17/05/2025 21:42

“sister in law, the twin boys, her boyfriend and his daughter from a previous relationship. They come for the whole day, early morning until night.”

OP, once a month is excessive. Four times a year would be plenty!

Original poster
Stoneskimmer · 17/05/2025 21:38

Pickingdates · 17/05/2025 21:29

He sees his sister away from your homes.
Anything else is completely unreasonable.
A good man would not be so dismissive of your concerns.

I feel that he has mostly been understanding of my needs with his sister.
I feel so guilty, as I love my three sisters and can't imagine having to see the less because of my husband.

OP posts:
MatLeave · 17/05/2025 21:38

Stop the holiday home stays and she'll not be long in backing off.

AnnaMagnani · 17/05/2025 21:38

Get your DH to go and see her on his own.

He'll find out soon enough that unless she's getting a free hot tub session she isn't interested.

Original poster
Stoneskimmer · 17/05/2025 21:36

Genevieva · 17/05/2025 21:32

Even if i got on with her really well I wouldn’t want her coming to stay that often. Life is busy. Family time with just your husband and kids is precious.

I feel really guilty for putting limits on his sister visiting us. Even though I know they could both meet up more often elsewhere.

I appreciate your perspective. Even if it was someone you liked, it's helpful to know some people would still have similar limits.

OP posts:
Genevieva · 17/05/2025 21:32

Even if i got on with her really well I wouldn’t want her coming to stay that often. Life is busy. Family time with just your husband and kids is precious.

Original poster
Stoneskimmer · 17/05/2025 21:31

Stoneskimmer · 17/05/2025 21:29

Sorry I should have been more clear in my post. So not actually having a sleepover, but sister in law, the twin boys, her boyfriend and his daughter from a previous relationship. They come for the whole day, early morning until night.

Show quote history

I find it odd that she does not want to visit us at our house (reason which I feel she only wants to see us because of what we have, although I would not say this to my husband.)

She ONLY asks to come to our holiday home.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 17/05/2025 21:30

No way would I put up with that.

Original poster
Stoneskimmer · 17/05/2025 21:29

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 17/05/2025 21:25

Having the same people to stay with you once a month is a lot. How many are you talking about? SIL + her 2 (or more?) Kids + H?
How long do they stay?

Once or twice a year is enough
Possibly time when you are not at your holiday home.

Sorry I should have been more clear in my post. So not actually having a sleepover, but sister in law, the twin boys, her boyfriend and his daughter from a previous relationship. They come for the whole day, early morning until night.

OP posts:
Pickingdates · 17/05/2025 21:29

He sees his sister away from your homes.
Anything else is completely unreasonable.
A good man would not be so dismissive of your concerns.

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