Party pooper - How to respond?

Hi there, I went through a lot of things like this years ago with my DS, who is ND and as an adult now has more friends than I have ever had. Just popped in to say if your nephew can come it might all just work out really well - the younger ones will probably love having a teenager there.

You’ve made me remember a really great afternoon years ago when I was asked in a similar situation to make up the numbers at laser whatever it was, as the only mum who was thought to be up for it. It was great, and the kids quite liked having someone who got the least points (not on purpose, I actually tried quite hard),

Find someone else to sub in, go, and have a great time. And as they say, Cowbag has shown you who she is.

Me and dh joined in one of our dc lazer tag and paintball parties to make up numbers. It's great fun. We had a team each.

I like this response and it is what I would like to say if I was in this situation but you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

On the one hand she deserves to be called out, but on the other hand she is the mother of one of your DS’s few friends and your DS cannot afford for you to fall out with this lady.

Such a shitty situation for you. I’m so sorry.

I think that's a good idea, to save the girl a party bag. It will also shame Cowbag.

I'm surprised at how vitriolic the responses are on here. They aren't 5. At 10 its up to the kids whose party they go to. The girl obviously preferred to go to the other party. I'm sure Cowbag tried to persuade her to go to your son's, but what can she do? At 10, girls like to be included with the other girls. It's a shame for your son, but you placed way to much importance on this party and too much pressure on your friend. Ultimately, she is not responsible for your son's ASD and his struggles at making friends. This is just a decision her kid has made.

All these other Mums telling stories about looking their friends in the face and telling them they did a shitty thing. Wow. This party thing sounds like a minefield. I remember being responsible for my own guest list when I was a child, parents just facilitate.

There’s a middle ground where you make it clear it wasn’t cool, (someone will have better way to do this than me) but essentially carry on. And I would save the girl a party bag too.

the mum sounds socially inept to me - I’ve had one (autistic) dd who struggled to find friends and you can’t engineer these things whilst jeopardising what they do have.

You'll be fine, he might not be. Keep it zipped.

I agree with @Mirroar to an extent. I think it’s not the other child or her mother’s fault your DS struggles to make friends, and honestly, spending months trying to ensure enough guests for an activity that requires considerably more attendees than your DS has friends, and that can’t run with even a single dropout, was just an unwise move. There’s often a last-minute dropout for entirely genuine reasons, for one thing. Kids’ friendships can be very fluid at that age, also. DS, slightly older, is also having a birthday party soon, with a minimum of ten needed (paint balling, ironically!), but is adamant he only wants to invite his six old friends, not his new secondary set. So three parents are joining as canon fodder.

I get that you’re upset, but if your DS values the friendship, and your nephew can make up the numbers, I wouldn’t overreact. I mean, don’t pretend it’s fine when it isn’t, but I wouldn’t decide DS can never see the child again, or anything.

Maybe wait until CB says something/ apologises for letting you down, and have a one liner ready that gets your points across.

"Yes. It won't happen again" should work!

It really is. My ds struggled so much with that kind of shit that I'd make a great deal of effort and spend a lot of money to make it an enticing party. Return invites were never forthcoming and in the end we started having guitar hero parties with older children in the family who could be relied upon to turn up and be kind for a couple of hours. In return for pizza 😂

I reckon cowbag's DD is telling the truth.
I personally wouldn't let this go without some comment to cowbag.

It does sound like the mum is worried her girl is getting left out by other girls, but the idea that her shy dd is going to suddenly be included by going to a party and throwing over a close friend to do that is deluded at best.

I would also believe the girl, especially in terms of what I tell my son. I wouldn't be afraid to gently place the blame on the mum when talking to him - 'sorry babe adults are weird sometimes, it's probably something to do with who Friend's Mum wants to be friends with actually' kind of thing. It's important that you allow him to believe his friend loves him, even if there is a - small, I think - possibility she's not telling the truth.

Ultimately whoever’s ‘decision’ it was, the mum is the one at fault as even if the girl had wanted to go to the other party it’s a ‘well you can’t as it’s on the same day as x’s party that was agreed months ago’.

not the fault of the girl either way.

After this happening to me once and similar situations happening, kids are very good at making things up even at that age, and not all are nice all the time. I’d be speaking to the mother in person and seeing how she reacted…

Also don't say anything to Cowbag because your son already has so few friends.

This is what I would do, and even see if he could have a spare nice friend on standby. Because people are crap. My ds2 was like this and birthdays were really heartbreaking I would rope in my own friends' older children to make a party.

Just to say I hope your little boy has a great day. The mother of the little girl should be ashamed of herself. She could have organised a play date with the birthday girl who invited her daughter two days ago.

It's quite a complicated concept for a child to make up. Also, for OP's son's sake its better to give the girl who has been a lovely friend so far the benefit of the doubt if she seeks it (which she has) rather than assuming she is lying.

I think you possibly can, presumably she isn't usually a terrible person? I'd be honest and say you find it really disappointing and hurtful that she's done this (adult to adult) whilst saving a party bag for her DD and remaining welcoming for play dates etc because those centre around the children and they shouldn't miss out because of this or DS lose a friend over it.