Party pooper - How to respond?

As someone who was 11 when several kids backed out of going to my party, parents obviously can’t. Anyway, does OP want the girl to turn up when she’d rather be somewhere else? I am no way on the girls side, think what she’s done is awful.

You can force a kid to keep its commitments with a smile on its face, or be disciplined. Billions of decent parents have done so.

Wearing a seatbelt is one thing. Going to a party is another. Don’t get me wrong, I think the child has been awful and disloyal (ten year olds know what they are doing) but the mum can hardly drag them kicking and screaming. I will say it’s disappointing the mum is happy to let her go to the other party but maybe she’s not strict/lets the kid choose her own social stuff. Similar thing happened to me when I was 11.

I think cowbag behaved appallingly. I wouldn't bother with her anymore. I remember as a kid accepting a party invitation and then wanting to do something else. My mum told me I should honour my first commitment. That's how I learnt that you don't ditch people for a better offer.

Well actually … parenting involves insisting children adopt certain behaviours . It just depends where you draw the line. Would you insist they wore a seatbelt? Yes. Would you insist on what flavour ice lolly they chose? No. It’s about where you draw the line.

Yes I agree. it’s wrong to accept an subsequent invitation and people should be teaching their Dc to have more integrity. But in today’s “why shouldn’t I” society, I’m not surprised she did this.

I’m sorry OP. It’s disappointing and hurtful - which is why this is such bad etiquette.

I don’t really have any advice because she isn’t going to change course and even if she did it would cast a pall and be awkward.

I don’t think there’s any point challenging her on it; you only sink towards her grubby level. But you have seen her for who she is now and, even if you need to hero the contact for your DC’s sake, I’d be not investing your own energies into friendship with her particularly. Compartmentalise her in your mind to what you absolutely need her for going forward as she’s a flake,

Exactly.

Unfortunately many selfish, entitled parents seem to revel in raising selfish, entitled offspring, as this thread clearly demonstrates.

Sometimes I feel pity for those who are so ignorant, but it’s also exasperating.

You can’t force a kid to go to a party when they don’t want to go.

I think they’re just saying (and I agree) that this could’ve been the choice of the girl, not her mother.

The thing is, not only has she let both you and your son down, she has made it clear she cannot be relied on or trusted. She is also a moron for not realizing this.

To be completely honest here, I would be annoyed if another mother depended on me for her kid's birthday plans. I had my own kids to do the birthdays for and always just did it myself. So just a thought, but she may have resented being the one it all hinged on in the first place.

Of course, if that was the case, she should have told you that, but planning a ten- year-old's party "for months" seems excessive to me. It also may not be the best idea when your son doesn't have many friends. Especially not a party that will be cancelled if every child invited doesn't attend.

Also, I don't think your son's feelings have been mentioned. He may not even care if his friend isn't there. Sometimes simple and casual is best.

I also have a son on the spectrum. He's grown now and while he has a good job, he still has some social deficits. We'll have a birthday dinner for him or go out somewhere, and if a friend of his is around, they're welcome too. But even now, trying to shoehorn him in on a celebration with a group of his peers wouldn't likely work out very well. For one thing, most of his friends are my age lol. He dances to his own tune and that's that lol.

Best wishes to you. It's a struggle and we learn as we go. Regardless, he's very fortunate to have his mother in his corner.

That woman is a shitbag not a cowbag. You have to tell her what she's done is under-hand and sneaky and that you're really disappointed in her.

Putting your own child first shouldn’t involve indulging them. Putting your own child first shouldn’t involve teaching them to be selfish. It should involve teaching them good manners and empathy for others. And that they should sometimes put a friend’s needs above their own. Otherwise you will raise very selfish and entitled children.

My DD can join. She loves laser tag and is same age. ;)

Now, in seriousness ... it's a shitty situation. You definitely can't ignore this behaviour but equally you don't want to ruin the friendship between your DS and this girl.

I hope it all works out and your son has a great party!

Don’t let Cowbag have any satisfaction by cancelling the party. Rope in who you have to so it goes ahead. They will have fun and your son will gain some confidence that he doesn’t need this girl there to have a good time. This will also be a valuable lesson to your son.

After that, do what you need to facilitate your son and this girl’s friendship but be cool with cowbag. She will know why. You sound like a lovely person so stay on that level, don’t be dragged down to behaviour that is beneath you.

@Secondchoice2 the CF aside, I don’t think an activity that requires 8 ONLY with no back up is a good idea - such a high chance a child won’t be able to attend on the due due to sickness or family situations…. Then what?

another activity sounds like a much safer choice.

Bullshit. She just tells the friend she’s sorry, but she’s already busy.

My mum was in your position 50 years ago when her friend pulled her daughter out of my party for the same reason. She ditched the friend. My mum taught me the lesson with that action that you always honour the first invitation you’ve had if you’ve already accepted it. A good rule for life. It’s extremely bad manners to do otherwise.

What an absolute bitch. Yes, her daughter might have preferred the other party. That's the perfect opportunity to explain that we don't cancel on friends when we get a 'better' offer.

I can't believe another mum would do this knowing you had struggled to find the numbers. It's horrible of her and such a bad example to her daughter.

Ask your nephew OP. Kids your son's age will likely think it's really cool that he has an older friend there. I hope he has the best party

Then all you’re going to do is cut off one of your son’s two friendships.

This poster is my hero:

I had a vaguely similar situation with a mum pulling the whole ‘Oh there wasn’t enough space to invite everyone’ when my daughter was one of 2 kids not invited out of a large friendship group. When I next saw her face to face she tried saying “oh no hard feelings I hope, ha ha, just one of those things”. I just shrugged and said “you could have invited the whole group, you chose not to. That’s your choice but I’m not going to pretend that’s perfectly fine. It’s a shitty thing to do.” Then just stood and looked at her. She looked horrified and it was never mentioned again. But she was noticeably much more ‘careful’ around me, very nicey nice.

I'm sorry, OP. That's really, really shit for your son. Cowbag has behaved very poorly here.

Could you send a text to a load of parents, including combat "hiya folks, someone has pulled out if DS party at xxx on x date at the last minute. We really need 8 kids for the party to go ahead. Anyone free to fill the gap so my wee boys party can go ahead. Sorry it's such last minute - would really appreciate it - so stressed"

Yes but I also believe calling a little girl names takes a whole special type of nasty. You agree with that right?

I don't think its fair what the ops friend did. But I don't think the op should have put so much on the attendance of one person. That's bizarre to me. Hence my reply.

That’s really sad and she’s a shit friend.
I would tell her you and your son are very disappointed and then I’d ghost her if I’m honest! What a horrible thing to do.