Would you rather your children were clever or kind/ polite?

Kind and polite.

Every time.

I'd rather they were confident and comfortable in their own skin. Realise this isn't answering your question, but with confidence you can get by even if you aren't clever, if you feel good about yourself you are more likely to be good to others.
So many kids have mental health problems and teens are racked with self doubt. Confidence is so important.

IME kind often doesn’t translate into popular because if you’re a people pleaser then you’re more likely to end up as someone useful to know for favours rather than somebody genuinely liked and respected. Being popular / having a personality that people are easily drawn to is a good quality to have. Sometimes this overlaps with kind but popular people can usually say no which makes life easier and happier for them.

I don't think it has to be an either/or. If the question was to be, "Would you want somebody to be a genius, but a complete arsehole, or reasonably intelligent, and a kind and lovely person?", I'd select the latter!

I think its a little simplistic TBH. My DD struggles and is hard work at times .My DS is always kind and polite .He has a MSC in a STEM subject ,from a RG uni.and is popular and easy going .Also many DC come on later on life ,they may go to uni after doing something else ,pass exams when in their 40s and so on

Clever I think. Though both DTs are clever, kind and empathetic 😀

What? 🤣

You’re just making shit up. What kind of amateur psychology even is this?

I think you’re talking about IQ vs EQ really. To have both is ideal. Both have nature and nurture factors.

When it comes to our own DC, I’d encourage them to learn from each other’s strengths, rather than comparing and questioning if one quality is more desirable than the other.

You might think you keep a lid on it, but your questioning this will come through in how you are with them and what you say to them.

Clever, without hesitation.

Both my DC (boy and girl) are smart and kind. This isn't my perception, they're both very academic and I'm frequently told by teachers and other parents the ways in which they have been kind to others.

There is no correlation at all - clever is what they were fortunate enough to be born with, the importance of kindness is what they have been taught from birth. Neither of my kids are pushovers though and will always advocate for themselves and their friends - this can often be mistaken for not being kind or considerate.

Life will be much easier for the clever child - especially if you mean street smarts as well as academic smarts.

Kind people can be easily manipulated and used because it often goes hand in hand with doormat/people pleasing behaviour which isn’t a good thing as it’s a sign of low self esteem and low confidence.

These two qualities are odd things juxtapose. I agree with PPs who have said there isn't really a correlation between bring clever and being selfish/unkind. In my experience plenty of people are clever and sensitive and sadly plenty are not very bright and selfish.

I think you’ve got a twisted notion of what “kindness” actually means.

This is more about you than anyone else.

Omg, a social hand grenade. She sounds hilarious:)

Clever.

Being kind is important but kind people with no smarts get walked all over.

I've known a lot of very clever people who are polite and often even kind.

You can be taught how to behave - about half the population react postively to psychopaths who have had to learn how to act/emulate - other half don't want a bar of them.

The group verus individual thing can be society wide issue- america is the ultimate individualistic soicety but is full of polite and kind people - and now have Trump at the top with a cabinet of like minded people - many of who aren't polite kind or clever - (a few are in their own ways or at individual level) who often got lucky and got born into privilage.

It’s a disappointment.

Sorry, too late to edit. Should read ‘that’s NOT likely to be someone with a healthy sense of self’.

DS is top of his class (heading to grammar school) and the softest, sweetest soul. You could take him anywhere and I don’t think I’ve ever had to raise my voice to him in my life. He is a pleasure.

DD is fiercely intelligent - was doing 60pc jigsaws at 2 - but is a complete social hand grenade. She has her wee friends, but my goodness, that girl knows her mind and is as stubborn as they come. She gives zero fucks and I love it so much.

Clever, especially if they’re girls

Kind and polite, 100%

Selfishness leading to material success is hardly a surprise. That’s very different from being clever.

But ‘putting others first’ is not necessarily an indication of actual kindness!

Putting others first can be a sign of poor self-esteem, a lack of boundaries,
people-pleasing. A properly kind person will make sure their own needs are fulfilled and give from a filled cup in situations which aren’t exploitative or damaging. But someone who always automatically prioritises others above themselves — that’s likely to be a person with a healthy sense of self. That’s a coping mechanism to compensate for something, or a desperate attempt to buy liking with services.

I think you’re projecting. You say the daughter you worry about is like you. If she’s insecure, surely that’s far more likely to be impeding her friendships?

I would say the reverse clever people tend to be polite and helpful, the rude and unhelpful tend to be not very smart either. Kindness is a bit difficult to judge as a trait it's what people do that matters, if they act in a friendly helpful way that may indicate kindness.