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Original poster

Losing many friends in 40s

105 replies

outthereandbeyond · 17/05/2025 08:39

I seem to losing many friends now I’m in my 40s and wonder if this is normal.

many of these women (and I) are growing, putting up boundaries and being less tolerating.

one friend had a meltdown over my cat going to another home because I ‘abandoned my cat’ but I didn't feel I could look after him anymore (I had many carer responsibilities and cat was having a delicate op that would potentially make it double incontinent after an accident), another mum friend chose not to continue our friendship when the children fell out, and now I discover a very good friend who I’ve known since childhood betrayed my trust by telling another friend of mine she’d met once at my birthday party some confidential things about me. Now the other friend is pissed off that I told old friend, not new friend things. Another friend dated a man after I asked her for his number as I liked him (they are neighbours) only for her to suddenly open her eyes to him and started dating (well fucking only actually. It lasted 3 weeks) so that pissed me off.

anyway, all small things, but I feel my network is crumbling away, one by one. And that people don’t care about each other. I’m starting to feel isolated and alone.

is this normal at this age to lose friends?

OP posts:
justkeepswimingswiming · 17/05/2025 09:08

so much drama. I wouldnt want that drama in my life either.

PermanentTemporary · 17/05/2025 09:06

Blimey i don't think I'd have any friends if there was this much drama involved.

I'd let all these events calm down and maybe look to spend time with people who are easier to be around. I've got a couple of low-temperature neighbour friendships which are nice, and a few people I meet up with for walks. Just enough time to catch up, not enough time to get dramatic.

Orangesandlemons77 · 17/05/2025 09:04

I have noticed some friends have got a bit odd since mid 40s and wonder if it is related to perimenopause. Might also be me going through the same though.

Choux · 17/05/2025 09:03

There is that old saying that friends can be either for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

The friend you lost cos your kids fell out was only your friend for a reason - because your kids were close.
The old friend betraying your confidences sounds like a friend at the end of her season. See her less often or at least stop confiding in her. Tell her you feel she betrayed you. The new friend upset because she didn’t know ‘everything’ about you - well why should she? Trust builds up over time and you might have eventually have told her the confidences. Do you want to get closer to her after she’s been upset with you or continue a more surface level relationship for a while?

Judgy friends are not ideal either so forget about the cat meltdown friend. Or just dial back on your time spent on her.

Some of these could still be lifetime friends but they are all human, have their own agendas and it’s unrealistic to expect any of them to offer you everything you need in terms of support, loyalty etc. Widen your circle, see more people less often and try to let all this poor behaviour wash over you by focusing your friendship time elsewhere either temporarily or permanently.

Popsicle1981 · 17/05/2025 09:00

Same! Was just talking to OH about this a couple of days ago. For me, it’s been due to just not keeping in contact during child-rearing years, where my working commitments have also drained my energy. I see it like when you don’t water a house plant, it goes ahead and dies.

What do I do now? All people my age (mid forties) have their established networks. The places where we’d normally meet new people? All full of young people who don’t identify with the perimenopause.

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