Losing many friends in 40s

This is really interesting. I’m in my late 40s and have found my two closest friends getting odder and more difficult. (Maybe they’d say the same about me?!)

Coupled with some other friends falling away during the child rearing years (I had kids late), it’s all making me feel really sad.

I’m in my 60s. Friends have drifted in and out of my life. My most important girl died.
I have 3 close friends - 2 since I was 3yrsold and 1 since I was 5.
The first 2 I met the first day of Sunday school and the other I met the first day of kindergarten.
I suppose you could call them lifetime friends.
We’re all old ladies now but we don’t notice.
I’d give my life for any one of them.
Pals.

I am 60 and still have a good solid amount of friends I have known for over 40years .
They are not in a group so I catch up with some weekly,monthly and longer than that.
Consider myself very lucky and love each and everyone of them.

Od say it's most people OP, family included.
Not as many get togethers and people begrudge meeting for big occasions like Christmas.

Previously, there would be excitement about meeting up, going out, going shopping, fpr meals, visiting each other etc.

COL is a big reason too as well as just being tired with peri..

Losing as in death

Yes very true, it is expensive these days to do anything

Aside from tolerating less as we get older and perimenopause (just wanting to be alone) I do feel the cost of living has played a part also. Money doesn’t go very far now and ultimately socialising costs money. I certainly put off meeting up as much as I used to because of it.

@ToldoRasa when you say you genuinely don't know if you can make plans, do you mean you're not sure you'll be able to face it mentally?

Yes I think in your 40s your tolerance for bs goes down faster with every year

I was massively sociable when I was younger, but now much less so. And I’m fine with that, I don’t get lonely. I think it’s a combination of things - life experiences mean that I have zero tolerance for bullshit now, so if someone crosses me (badly, not just a minor thing), then I have no qualms about writing them off. I have consciously ended some significant friendships over the last few years and don’t regret that at all. Having boundaries is not a bad thing.

I avoid parties and ‘going out’ as much as possible, I don’t really enjoy drinking anymore and I can’t be arsed to make idle chit chat with people for the sake of it. I have my best friend of 30 years +, a couple of other good friends, my partner, my family, and lots of people I have met through my hobby, although we only meet up in the context of my hobby. And I’m constantly feeling like there’s not enough hours in the day to do the stuff I want to do, so time is precious and I’m not wasting it on people I don’t really give a shit about.

I much prefer the company of animals anyway. Sometimes I see groups of friends my kind of age out socialising and I almost feel a pang of envy, until I remember that I don’t want that, and I’ve chosen that path.

To add to the above I genuinely believe we are living in a very sick society and it seems to be getting worse by the day,

So many peoples mental health is in tatters from the current society we live in

I've definitely got odder as I've got older as difficult life events have made it hard to socialise and I feel awkward when I do, like I'm performing a role trying to be normal. It also makes me always unsure of my plans as I genuinely don't know if I can make certain events. I can imagine someone listing me as one of their flaky friends, but in all honesty, I would love to be a better friend but circumstances mean it is very difficult. Definitely not an issue in my 20s.

I think there might be something in that as well, most people’s conversation just sounds so boring / un stimulating as we are all over stimulated from social media as well as work….people also don’t seem to have the headspace to deal with other people

@outthereandbeyond I think the dopamine thing is a big factor

I'm one of these people who ended up on here so often after I lost friends. I'm still very happy to have conversations. Others are not. Of course, the weird thing about it is now I'm online more. Maybe my brain will change too. Maybe that is the best outcome for me.

It does honestly feel like people are far more interested in being online than they are in actual human beings. I think it's really sad but it has to be accepted I suppose.

@Communitywebbing curious to know what sort of age group.

I don't think age is linked. This seems very much a lockdown and sign of the times thing IMHO.

I think people have lost the art of communication maybe?

I think people in general are afraid to converse as they used to as everyone seems to have become so woke and are jumping down each others throats over the slightest thing

many of these women (and I) are growing, putting up boundaries and being less tolerating.

This is definitely a thing but I don’t think it’s age related, I think its something that has been prevalent across different age groups for a few years now….everyone has become less tolerant and better at putting up boundaries

I myself have cut contact with a couple of people and I’m limiting it with a few more and keeping them at arms length

It’s also not just friendships . The dating scene has changed too . I think people have lost the art of communication maybe?

I am approaching 40 and don't have many friends left. People just seem quite content on their own. I have often stopped contacting people now as it makes me feel too needy.

I think people on a whole have become strange since lockdown . Friendships are definitely not the same . People have stopped socialising so much and I imagine things like the cost of living have stopped people doing so much together due to costs .

I know my friendships have definitely changed the past couple of years because our lives have changed and we’ve become different people . We start losing people close to us , jobs change and our responsibilities change too which can all affect how we look at life and our priorities so it might not just be about friendship .

This is a good question. These friendships have run their course, creating space in your life for new friendships. That gives you time to evaluate what you do and don't want from people you get close to. I like low drama friends who are interested in something a bit more thoughtful than the latest gossip. I don't have many of them, but I'd rather see them than the big social crowds I hung out with when DC were young, which were full of backbiting and gossip and fallings out.

Yes for not keeping up with friends, no for the ‘me and my little bubble’ comment. You’ve made me sound like I was obsessed with myself! It was more that my job was long hours, very tiring and full on. Also, having young children means not being available for evenings out/weekend things. When most of your friends don’t have children, then your lives just naturally diverge.

Yes friendships take alot effort now Im 52. If its not 2 way efforts.. def people more flaky now. One minds grandkids then elder parents its harder. Less time too. But yes good to have your friends. My circle good but small now