Really p’d off with ex partner and bedtime/routine

Redruby2020 · 2025-05-17T05:59:44+00:00

So i won’t go in to too much detail about other things, as it will just make it an even longer post. Over the time that DC has stayed with their father, their routine is different at bed time, or more so totally out the window. I know they say everyone has their way. But still nothing wrong in having a certain time where screens are off, gap and wash and in bed. Ex doesn’t encourage DC to read his school books to him, which we do at bedtime here. There have been a few times where my DC has sent something from his phone he has there, like a funny pic or football logo thing etc. So I have then been aware of the time and been livid. So it then makes me think that they must still be up on other occasions. In many ways ex is irresponsible to me anyway. So lastnight, as DC goes Fridays, my DC texts me a football thing. I then replied very nice but you should be asleep. I text my ex why is DC still up. Phone should be out of use by a certain time before sleep. Ex says oh DC wanted to watch the football, now I assume he means indoors, because they have watched it in the pub until 9, and gone home, so would answer in the past, why they are still up, if carried on watching at home or then over tired and still up. DC is 7 by the way. So I said this is just irresponsible to me, so who is the parent. Especially when there has been school all week. He could have just said you can see the highlights tomorrow. That’s what I do here. And remind DC because they will be getting ready for bed. Here there is usually 1hr at least without screen before bed. I said although I knew other stuff from previous times. Although he says some weekends DC slept at 9. This kind of behaviour and then if they are out and about during the day, is why DC comes home really tired on many occasions. Which can be difficult for both of us then, as most of us know what it’s like when kids are over tired, it can make things harder. Then Monday morning is a struggle. I have been shocked and disgusted at how many posts I have seen online about other mothers saying similar things. Or some just saying we’ll just talk to the other parent, doesn’t work obviously. Plus parts I’m sure they don’t care about and even to get to me. And others saying to just child to bed on time when they return/bit earlier if possible. Of course in the moment it helps but not really the answer.

Original poster

Redruby2020 · 18/05/2025 19:43

Endofyear · 18/05/2025 11:57

I don't think your concerns are silly at all, you sound like a caring and loving mum with your child's best interests at heart. I hope you can have a constructive discussion with your ex and get through to him and are able to take a step back from the things you can't control. Take comfort from the fact that you provide a safe and healthy home life for your son and this is where he spends the majority of his time. Look after yourself lovely 💐

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Thankyou 😊
Yes hopefully, but with certain things I do have to step back, otherwise up until now I have made myself a nervous wreck.

OP posts:

Endofyear · 18/05/2025 11:57

Redruby2020 · 18/05/2025 10:28

Thankyou, your answer was nice but also to the point, I do take a lot on my shoulders, I worry constantly, I’ve had many many weekends where I lost sleep, thinking about things all night like you know where you feel like your head is awake, might sound a bit silly.
It’s caused me a great deal of anxiety and even depression I think.
Yes ideally i would just like to see some measures in place on the phone, and for it to be cut off by a certain time at night.
There are many things i could go on about, in terms of where DC’s father is selfish and irresponsible.

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I don't think your concerns are silly at all, you sound like a caring and loving mum with your child's best interests at heart. I hope you can have a constructive discussion with your ex and get through to him and are able to take a step back from the things you can't control. Take comfort from the fact that you provide a safe and healthy home life for your son and this is where he spends the majority of his time. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Original poster

Redruby2020 · 18/05/2025 10:28

Endofyear · 17/05/2025 10:18

Accept that you have no control over bedtime and parenting style while your child is with the other parent. You will save yourself a lot of anger and frustration once you accept that. I would have a chat with ex about Internet access on his phone and installing parental controls and checking his usage but at the end of the day, you can't enforce these things. If you go in all guns blazing and accusing him of being an irresponsible parent, you won't get far. Aim for a collaborative approach and hope for the best. But you do have to try and relinquish control when he is with his dad. When my close friend got divorced and had these issues, her solicitor pointed out that her ex didn't listen to her when they were married so why did she think he would be any different now they're divorced? If anything, he's more likely to ignore your wishes 🙁

Thankyou, your answer was nice but also to the point, I do take a lot on my shoulders, I worry constantly, I’ve had many many weekends where I lost sleep, thinking about things all night like you know where you feel like your head is awake, might sound a bit silly.
It’s caused me a great deal of anxiety and even depression I think.
Yes ideally i would just like to see some measures in place on the phone, and for it to be cut off by a certain time at night.
There are many things i could go on about, in terms of where DC’s father is selfish and irresponsible.

OP posts:

Endofyear · 17/05/2025 10:18

Accept that you have no control over bedtime and parenting style while your child is with the other parent. You will save yourself a lot of anger and frustration once you accept that. I would have a chat with ex about Internet access on his phone and installing parental controls and checking his usage but at the end of the day, you can't enforce these things. If you go in all guns blazing and accusing him of being an irresponsible parent, you won't get far. Aim for a collaborative approach and hope for the best. But you do have to try and relinquish control when he is with his dad. When my close friend got divorced and had these issues, her solicitor pointed out that her ex didn't listen to her when they were married so why did she think he would be any different now they're divorced? If anything, he's more likely to ignore your wishes 🙁

Dreichweather · 17/05/2025 09:59

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 09:05

Texting if happening at all I would hope would just be to contacts who are in the phone. But yes the internet browsing etc if they go on there that is, needs restrictions.

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I would pick your battles and focus in this rather than bedtime.

WildflowerConstellations · 17/05/2025 09:16

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 09:05

Texting if happening at all I would hope would just be to contacts who are in the phone. But yes the internet browsing etc if they go on there that is, needs restrictions.

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Does he ever bring his phone to yours?

Very annoying that his dad gave him this to be honest.

I think if he's unreasonable enough to give a 7 year old a phone I'd probably just try and quietly put parental controls on it if you manage to get hold of it, rather than trying to address it with his dad as doesn't sound like he will listen.

I think the bedtime thing is obviously annoying but not much you can do about it unfortunately apart from keeping bedtimes consistent at yours.

I think you could drive yourself mad with frustration with these kids of things without getting anywhere so best for your overall stress levels to just try and do what you can when he's with you.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 17/05/2025 09:13

Flip it around. If your ex started nagging you about purring him to bed too early and demanding you did it an hour later how would you feel?

Your rules in your house. His rules at his house. You are both parents and you are both allowed to make your own choices.

A late night once or twice a week went harm your child.

If you want a successful co parenting relationship you are gonna need to learn to pick your battles.

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 09:05

OP, I am sure he has had concerns with your parenting in the past.

How has he addressed?

Original poster

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 09:05

Dreichweather · 17/05/2025 09:02

Me too. Not just texting but browsing the internet.

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Texting if happening at all I would hope would just be to contacts who are in the phone. But yes the internet browsing etc if they go on there that is, needs restrictions.

OP posts:

MyVIsForVendetta · 17/05/2025 09:03

One suggestion - you could get your DC and iPad.
I put all the safety features on my 6 year olds iPad and he takes that to his dads. That gives me a level of comfort.

i can’t control what time he uses it until but that’s ok.

Original poster

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 09:03

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/05/2025 08:48

So your son only sees his father every other weekend and not during the week because you think it's more hassle than it's worth? Does he live a long way away?

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3 weekends a month.

OP posts:

Dreichweather · 17/05/2025 09:02

Strawberries86 · 17/05/2025 07:04

I’d be 10x more worried about a 7 year old having a phone he text from tbh.

Me too. Not just texting but browsing the internet.

MyVIsForVendetta · 17/05/2025 09:00

It’s not easy to let go is it OP, im in a similar position.
My teen and 6 year old go to their dads and there’s things that gripe me.

But I have to just let it go, the dad does things their way and as long as they are safe.

I suppose you can discuss internet safety with the dad but otherwise you just have to let him do it his way, as much as it infuriates.

CandiedPrincess · 17/05/2025 08:59

You need to just grit your teeth and get on with it, I am afraid. You cannot control what the other parent does on their time. You don't have to like it or agree with it, but they get to call the shots. If you can just make your peace with it, it will be easier for you.

Hardlyworking · 17/05/2025 08:53

YABU. How he parents on his own time is up to him. Nothing whatsoever to do with you unless your child is being put in actual danger.

Original poster

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 08:52

Sprogonthetyne · 17/05/2025 08:47

We use Google family link on the kids tablets, but you could use it on a phone. I don't alow direct Internet browsing, so removed the Web browser and have the controls set so they cannot download any app without parental consent (I put in a password). It also has a downtime feature where the device turns off between set times.

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That sounds like good measures you have put in place. Yes I know the internet is available on that phone I have seen it. Making me more worried now since reading replies, but a good thing to prompt a few changes.

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Wowitsthunder · 17/05/2025 08:52

I would stay out of it. Also I think it’s fine if he stays up to watch the football with his dad. If he is overtired then he can have a lie in the next day as it’s the weekend. You can’t get involved in everything when you’re not even there!

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/05/2025 08:48

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 08:22

No not in the week, unless it was a dire emergency or something happened to me, despite others thinking it’s the correct thing to do(like everyone does 50/50) to do week nights too. I wouldn’t bother more hassle than it’s worth!

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So your son only sees his father every other weekend and not during the week because you think it's more hassle than it's worth? Does he live a long way away?

Sprogonthetyne · 17/05/2025 08:47

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 08:17

Thankyou all so far for your replies. Much needed and appreciated. As many of you know the saga with an ex and having a child, for some of us it never ends, the issues the saga etc.

In regards to the phone, he plays games on it, and can use it for homework though that doesn’t happen very often.
He will speak to his cousin which is the only one who is here on his dad’s side. Whom they have been to stay with many times.
Not a regular thing or planned to have it to contact me, but obviously nice that he can.
I have brought up about the phone a couple of times, and will put aside the other things I posted about but re raise the phone with his father, and whether he is keeping an eye on things.

When you say parental control, do you mean on individual apps, and also in the settings on the phone etc? I was thinking what have I seen on the settings, in terms of things like that.
Sorry if that sounds silly, but i haven’t had to really worry until now.

I am thinking even on the internet search there must be something you can set too, in terms of them not being able to just search or find absolutely anything.

We use Google family link on the kids tablets, but you could use it on a phone. I don't alow direct Internet browsing, so removed the Web browser and have the controls set so they cannot download any app without parental consent (I put in a password). It also has a downtime feature where the device turns off between set times.

Original poster

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 08:46

WildflowerConstellations · 17/05/2025 08:41

Hi OP, I would also be more concerned about DC having unsupervised access to a phone, especially if he is being allowed to have it at bedtime.

I think if you search on YouTube you will be able to find videos about how to set parental controls. I would honestly start off quite strict with this as it could become a problem later on so better to set those boundaries now.

Yes I am not happy to think of him picking it up at night. I said this previously it should be off and that’s that.

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Original poster

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 08:43

PicaK · 17/05/2025 08:39

I absolutely get your frustration - I've been there. But you need to let this go.
You've sadly no right whatsoever to impose your parenting style on him. You could be living together and he'd let him have a late night.
Yes it impacts on you but nothing you can do about that.
(I also understand the need for a phone.)

Thankyou for your comment, the phone thing I am not overly happy about, because of then if there is a lot of screen time. And knowing his father who probably hasn’t gone in and put settings on etc.

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Rumbley · 17/05/2025 08:42

How was your ex when you were going through extreme difficulties with parenting OP?

WildflowerConstellations · 17/05/2025 08:41

Hi OP, I would also be more concerned about DC having unsupervised access to a phone, especially if he is being allowed to have it at bedtime.

I think if you search on YouTube you will be able to find videos about how to set parental controls. I would honestly start off quite strict with this as it could become a problem later on so better to set those boundaries now.

PicaK · 17/05/2025 08:39

I absolutely get your frustration - I've been there. But you need to let this go.
You've sadly no right whatsoever to impose your parenting style on him. You could be living together and he'd let him have a late night.
Yes it impacts on you but nothing you can do about that.
(I also understand the need for a phone.)

Original poster

Redruby2020 · 17/05/2025 08:38

LoveWine123 · 17/05/2025 08:34

Your 7 year old has a phone and you are worried about him watching football with his dad? Your take on things is beyond strange.

I don’t like the fact DC has a phone no, but I did not give it to him. I have brought it up before, and I will again, so that at least there are safety measures in place.

OP posts: