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Original poster

Suddenly insecure about DPs friendship with his ex

90 replies

Gentily · 17/05/2025 06:20

Morning, sorry in advance if this is long but I’m using this a little to process my feelings.

My DP and I have been together for 2 years, I love him dearly and I know he does me, we get on great and I’m so glad to have met him. Recently we found out I’m pregnant, not exactly planned but we are 29 and 32 so not upset about it and are actually quite excited.

Before we met my DP had been with his ex for 2 years then single for a year. He maintained a friendship with her and this is something we discussed in depth in the early days. He explained that reason they broke up was because they weren’t a good fit for each other as a couple but they still liked the other as a person and felt it was a shame to throw that all away just as a romantic relationship didn’t work. The examples he gave of them not working were things like, she grew up in a fairly turbulent home so liked a lot of explicit reassurance, he would find this exhausting and sometimes offensive as he wouldn’t understand how he could spend all day with her and still have her ask “do you still like me”. He told me it would result in arguments even though neither was doing anything wrong really. He also explained that as they both have “chaotic” energy they were fun together but not really sustainable.
We don’t have these issues, I don’t really need a lot of reassurance and I find that because I’m not seeking it constantly when I do need it he’s very good at giving it. I also find I provide a level of calm to his chaos.
Ive met his ex many times, they have some mutual friends but sometimes just chat themselves or meet up. I’ve never been bothered by it really, I trust him and having met her I trust her too, she’s lovely. I’ve also never really sensed any regret from either of them over the relationship ending, they seem happier as friends and she is now engaged and seems very happy with her fiancé.
Anyway since finding out I am pregnant the friendship has made me insecure, not because anything has changed, it hasn’t but I think it comes from a fear of being left to parent alone. I know this fear is baseless as he has been nothing but supportive but all the women in my family seem to end up single mothers and I think I’m a little worried that we are cursed!
Also at 32 I’m finding myself comparing myself to his ex all of a sudden. She’s 28 and she has recently outperformed me on the career ladder (different but comparable careers), it’s silly for me to feel insecure about this and I know that but I guess it’s because I’ve been struggling to climb the ladder for the last few years so there is some bitterness. I’ve also known since early days that she is absolutely gorgeous (objectively, she modelled while at uni, it’s not in my head!) and I know that alongside objective attractiveness there is subjective and clearly my DP thinks I’m also gorgeous (he never lets me doubt this), but it’s hard to accept sometimes that to the vast majority I will be viewed as a downgrade compared to her (I know I know comparison is the thief of joy and no one’s opinion but my partners matters but let’s be real it’s not that simple and brains can play fickle tricks on us).

To the point really, she’s getting married in July, it’s a destination wedding and I was invited as my partners plus one but declined as I didn’t want to go, I told him to go as at the time I didn’t feel insecure at all around their friendship. Now I really don’t want him to go, I’m suddenly paranoid that seeing her getting married to someone else will ignite regret in him or make him see the things I see (like her career success and better looks) and realise he could do better. I know this is silly as he worships the ground I walk on and I do logically believe he doesn’t want her back and just values her as a friend, but I can’t seem to get rid of the thoughts.
Part of me wants to ask him not to go, I know if I asked him not to he wouldn’t go, but then I also know his mutual friends will be there, he’s paid for flights and Accomodation, they will have paid for him to be there as a guest and I’d just be letting my overthinking impact other people. I also think it’s probably better I tackle this head on as if it’s not her I’m worrying about I’m sure it will be the attractive girl he works with or the neighbour or someone, by that I mean I don’t think it’s his ex that’s the issue, I think it’s my own insecurity around being left. So asking him not to go would just be a temporary fix.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this ? Or has anyone experienced this themselves?
AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gentily · 18/05/2025 14:11

Rumbley · 18/05/2025 14:05

Have you and DP spoken about getting married?oh and own a property together?

Edited

We have, live I said the pregnancy wasn’t planned and I don’t really want to get married just because I’m pregnant, I understand the legal benefits of doing so but I struggle with the more emotional side of that and I feel marriage should be because that’s what you really want.
It’s definitely something we both want in the future, and the pregnancy has really ramped up the conversations however it’s not on our immediate radar. Right now we are prioritising moving in together, DP is looking for jobs with shorter commutes and better pay, marriage is more a next year or the year after plan in my mind!

OP posts:
Rumbley · 18/05/2025 14:05

Have you and DP spoken about getting married?oh and own a property together?

Original poster
Gentily · 18/05/2025 14:00

Cookiecrumblepie · 18/05/2025 13:51

I don’t understand why people maintain friendships with their ex. I don’t think it’s healthy, and I would expect your partner to prioritise you and move on. Some friendships come to a natural end and really his with his ex needs to draw to a close so they can focus on their respective families.

See I fundamentally disagree with this, I think it’s fine to be friends with your ex if a genuine no strings attached friendship exists. They have mutual friends, shared hobbies etc.
I think it would be effectively impossible for him to cut her out entirely, we are all members of the same tennis club, live a few streets over, they go to the same pub.
I think it shows maturity to be able to separate the person from the relationship and I respect their ability to recognise they aren’t a good couple but do have lots in common and can still enjoy each others company.
I think it’s also a little harder as they have formed a community, they all went to the same uni and bonded over all being the Italian students, he really values having friends he can speak in his native language to for example.
I think it’s also important to note their friendship predates their relationship by years.

OP posts:
Praying4Peace · 18/05/2025 13:59

Gentily · 17/05/2025 06:28

Gosh I must have explained him wrong as I know for a fact he wouldn’t go if I asked him not to and wouldn’t but up any fuss. I’m pretty sure if I told him the friendship made me uncomfortable he would cut her lose, they aren’t that close, and I do feel like he prioritises me. The insecurity isn’t about him or even her it’s more internal and from my side.

Show quote history

Let him go and enjoy the wedding.
Wave him off with a smile 😁

Rumbley · 18/05/2025 13:54

Cookiecrumblepie · 18/05/2025 13:51

I don’t understand why people maintain friendships with their ex. I don’t think it’s healthy, and I would expect your partner to prioritise you and move on. Some friendships come to a natural end and really his with his ex needs to draw to a close so they can focus on their respective families.

Oh I maintained a friendship with my ex.

however when I then go together with my now husband, and he was not entirely comfortable with it, I let the friendship dwindle away as my relationship with my husband was way more important to me than a light friendship with an ex

Cookiecrumblepie · 18/05/2025 13:51

I don’t understand why people maintain friendships with their ex. I don’t think it’s healthy, and I would expect your partner to prioritise you and move on. Some friendships come to a natural end and really his with his ex needs to draw to a close so they can focus on their respective families.

Pessismistic · 18/05/2025 13:42

Hey op it might just be your hormones I got like that about somebody when carrying also get insecure now and again. I think the fact they have both moved on you will be fine like others have said there not likely to get up to anything her man wouldn’t want him there if he was a threat could you not go to the hotel so it’s a holiday for you and have the time he’s at the wedding chilling. I think some people just don’t like giving up good friends even exes he sounds like he is very happy with you and also looks are not everything are they there personality didn’t work well so it’s irrelevant how she looks. I hope you do get over this as insecurity can do a lot of damage and you could push him away he has told you how hard it was with her insecurity don’t be her he loves you.

CleaningAngel · 18/05/2025 09:16

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 06:24

Just go to the wedding?

That's whst I thought!

bexollie · 18/05/2025 08:35

Hi.i think this is due to being pregnant. He sounds like,e an amazing partner and you're lucky to have him. He seems kid and considerate and the perfect couple . The wedding will soon be over. Plan for your future together and your baby.

Trundleloop · 18/05/2025 06:44

@Gentily why don’t you use the wedding as a chance for a mini break? Go with your DP so you’re not worrying while he is away and use it as a chance to relax by a pool while he’s at the wedding.

Maybe get him to extend his stay and both make a week of it together for a nice post wedding “see I had nothing to worry about” holiday. Come home relaxed.

I feel for you. Pregnancy hormones can be awful.

OhcantthInkofaname · 18/05/2025 06:04

I think you've got a case of the early pregnancy hormones!

Whatinthedoopla · 18/05/2025 05:51

I think it's important to understand that when you are pregnant you become protective of your baby and your partner, and this is normal.

Having a baby also isn't great for ensuring to maintain our looks, as it's very difficult.

In terms of a career, it can also be difficult to climb the ladder with younger children. Doable, but difficult.

The ex is getting married, and yes,she will look beautiful this day. But would you think that any man suddenly on that day would start think sexually of her? Or become attracted to her on that day? I wouldn't think so.

Just remember that right now, your hormones are playing with you.

HAB75 · 17/05/2025 22:15

I don't think this is anything really other than the natural anxiety that surrounds an unplanned pregnancy. The ex is really nothing to do with this - a focus, but not a real threat. In truth, she sounds more like a potential babysitter to me! All you need to do is to talk through your plans more so that you become comfortable that he really is in the same place as you. Don't focus on the birth, but on the first few years - all and any details around rearing, and your hopes and aspirations. Reading some of the posts on here won't be helping - you could easily think that every unplanned birth ends in disaster - but of course that really isn't the case. 2 years isn't very long, and you probably don't yet know your partner perfectly well yet, but that is not an automatic fail. This can cement a relationship and has done for many thousands of couples before you.

Doughnut89 · 17/05/2025 20:51

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 17/05/2025 19:51

Now, if anyone said this to me first pregnancy I would’ve flipped. But I am currently pregnant with my 2nd and I can honestly say pregnancy hormones do wild things. What you’re feeling is totally valid but given you’ve been totally cool with it for so long I feel maybe it could be this. I had huge insecurities and anxieties relating to work that I’ve never had before and now I am further into pregnancy it’s all gone!

100% this. I definitely had hormones making me think crazy things during my pregnancy. You’re not yourself but I think it definitely helps to talk about it so OP I would suggest talking to your partner. You can say just as you have on here that you know it’s your own insecurities and that you trust him but let him know how you’re feeling regardless because he then has the opportunity to be more sensitive around you and more reassuring during pregnancy if he knows you’re feeling that way

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 17/05/2025 19:51

Now, if anyone said this to me first pregnancy I would’ve flipped. But I am currently pregnant with my 2nd and I can honestly say pregnancy hormones do wild things. What you’re feeling is totally valid but given you’ve been totally cool with it for so long I feel maybe it could be this. I had huge insecurities and anxieties relating to work that I’ve never had before and now I am further into pregnancy it’s all gone!

GaspingGekko · 17/05/2025 19:35

OP I've always been secure in my marriage. Even at low points I've never worried about DH cheating.
However, while pregnant I used to dream about him leaving me, I was convinced he was interested in a woman at work, I became so insecure it drove me mad. It was all hormones and the sudden feelings of vulnerability that come with being pregnant while your OH is carrying on as normal.

sakuraspring · 17/05/2025 19:25

Ordinarily in these threads there are red flags waving madly everywhere that mean I tell the op she is not being unreasonable/to run for the hills etc.

Here, I really don't think so. He's been honest with you. He seems to clearly know why they aren't compatible. And shes getting ready for a dream destination wedding to someone else.

arcticpandas · 17/05/2025 19:20

This is a "me" problem @Gentily . Don't let your insecurities get to you. Breathe. Tell your dp about your insecurities and let him reassure you. It's normal to feel vulnerable when pregnant. It will all work out fine.

Original poster
Gentily · 17/05/2025 19:05

GreyCarpet · 17/05/2025 18:35

This poster is has poor comprehension at best and is being deliberately mischievously worst.

Gentily,

I think Rumbley is willfully misinterpretting your posts tbh.

Having met someone 'many times' doesn't make you close friends. Nor does having a 'positive relationship' with them.

Most people wouldn't ask if they could attend a.wedding they'd declined an invitation to after all.

And there is nothing in your posts to suggest he would go anyway if you asked him.

I think it's a shame you turned the invitation down. I imagine this is due to your pregnancy? But it's done now. It doesn't sound like there is anything going on outside of your own insecurities so make plans to do stuff yourself for those few days and see him when he gets back.

One thing is for sure, worrying about something happening has absolutely no bearing on whether it will or not.

Edited
Show quote history

I thought I was going crazy a little while reading some of the replies!

I have met his ex multiple times but I wouldn’t say I have a personal relationship with her, I’ve never spent time with her separate to DP and I wouldn’t want to (not because she isn’t lovely, she is, but she’s also a little chaotic and wild and life of the party which isn’t something I really seek in my friendships). I decided not to go to the wedding before I knew I was pregnant. Mainly because

  1. I don’t enjoy weddings, I find them tedious
  2. Even before finding out I was pregnant I’d given up drinking this year and hate being around drunk people when sober
  3. Shes Italian, future husband is French so a good chunk of the ceremony will be in French and Italian - also very Catholic!
  4. It’s the middle weekend of Wimbledon and normally I’d queue on the Saturday, also Silverstone weekend - big events for me to miss!

I know my insecurities are in my head and my partner is really amazing, we work well together and I think hormones have me a little crazy!

OP posts:
atlanta1 · 17/05/2025 18:59

Hormones all over the place, which will pass, sounds like you love and trust each other very much, let him go and keep yourself busy, it’s all good if what you’ve said is accurate xx

Original poster
Gentily · 17/05/2025 18:58

I spoke to DP this afternoon, he messaged his ex to see if I could come and unfortunately I can’t attend. It’s a smallish wedding and she instantly called to explain that when I refused she gave another of her friends a plus one instead. She was very apologetic but she did check with us 2 times to make sure we were sure I wasn’t going.

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 17/05/2025 18:52

Can you not now say you'd like to go and cite a couple of days abroad with your DP would be nice before your pregnancy is too far along? It gives you a great reason to have changed your mind on attending, and not one anyone would think twice about.

Plus actually going with him and having a great time would really help you.

GreyCarpet · 17/05/2025 18:35

DurinsBane · 17/05/2025 10:27

Where did you get the idea from the OPs posts that he would still go or cause a stink about it?!

Show quote history

This poster is has poor comprehension at best and is being deliberately mischievously worst.

Gentily,

I think Rumbley is willfully misinterpretting your posts tbh.

Having met someone 'many times' doesn't make you close friends. Nor does having a 'positive relationship' with them.

Most people wouldn't ask if they could attend a.wedding they'd declined an invitation to after all.

And there is nothing in your posts to suggest he would go anyway if you asked him.

I think it's a shame you turned the invitation down. I imagine this is due to your pregnancy? But it's done now. It doesn't sound like there is anything going on outside of your own insecurities so make plans to do stuff yourself for those few days and see him when he gets back.

One thing is for sure, worrying about something happening has absolutely no bearing on whether it will or not.

GreyCarpet · 17/05/2025 18:22

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 06:28

He maintained a friendship with her and this is something we discussed in depth in the early days.

you made out it was a bit more than a couple of times brief chat op

Show quote history

In depth doesn't mean frequently though.

They could have discussed it in depth on two or three occasions and that may have been enough to allay her fears at the time.

Missj25 · 17/05/2025 18:00

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 06:26

I know if I asked him not to he wouldn’t go,

From what you’ve said, I think he would go anyway or he would have an almighty stink about not going.

OP, go to the wedding and enjoy the sun and nice food and see it as a little holiday

the broader picture is you’re having a baby with a man you don’t know very well and don’t really trust, but there’s not a great deal you can do about that at the moment… so make life easy for yourself. You’ll be twisted like a pretzel the entire time if you don’t go to the wedding

Edited

Comments like yours annoy me , have to get in with a dig ! ! Why ???? That isn’t what post is about ..
Have to get in with the “you don’t know this man well that you’re having a baby with “ 🙄..
You have something to say , don’t go off point …