Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

What is your daughter doing on the days she's not working and the child is in nursery? Is the new boyfriend working or is she seeing him during this time?
DD's current behaviour towards her son is actually verging on neglect.

Sounds like she's very young/depressed and/or besotted with her new boyfriend and finds her own son a hindrance. Poor child.
Why did they split? How often does your GS see his paternal grandparents?
Not sure she'll be able to afford 5 days at nursery if only working part time unless her ex is paying for it.

Doesn't it just?

I'm amazed she can afford full-time nursery on a part-time wage!

This is so sad. I was going to suggest that you grandson lives with you as his mother obviously doesn’t want him but would that make him feel even more rejected?

It sounds like you are a very involved and loving grandma OP. I would just be careful not to push your daughter away. She could be going through some sort of depression since breaking up with her son’s father. Maybe she’s finding solo parenting daunting and exhausting. Maybe she’s upset that her hopes and dreams for her little family have ended. It sounds like she’s dealing with it badly by just avoiding her responsibilities and rebounding with a new boyfriend. You are already doing so much, but maybe a heart to heart chat with her would be what she needs. Explain to her the impact it’s having on her son but in a loving and supportive way.

I’d spell it out to her. ‘You need to really step-up for that little boy. He loves you and needs you. You have reverted to a teenager since Adam left. Get off your phone and start Mothering.

Your daughter must earn a very good salary on 3 days a week to be able to afford full time nursery! This reads like a bluff.

Could this be a bluff to make a point? Full time nursery is very expensive, and if she’s only working 3 days a week probably unaffordable…

She sounds emotionally immature. Lots of relationships break down and lots of mums end up doing the hard graft on their own without much help. So I don’t really agree with pp about her needing time or being badly affected by the break up. It’s not an excuse for effectively abandoning her son and showing little interest in him. It’s so sad. She sounds more like a teen than a 27 year old.

Your poor grandson. Your daughter is clearly struggling but her behaviour sounds abusive/neglectful and also concerning that she is already seeing someone new.
Not sure if SS needs to be involved......
Is there any way of getting the dad and his family more involved?
Could you look at him living full time with you so his needs are met?

But someone else upthread wrote that your daughter was acting like a spoiled brat and I agreed with that too.
Only you @TheOpenBee knows which it is. Depression or Selfishness.
You are an amazing grandmother and your dgson is lucky to have such a great granny and grandad.
You really need to have a “big” chat with your daughter.
She really has thrown her toys out of the pram now.
That poor little boy. Thank goodness he has you both in his life.
His Dad should step up more also.
What about paternal grandparents ?

^Sorry but most of those things are ‘just life’ as a parent, this is not a special use case. She has been doing all that because OP has been babysitting!

I’m not getting a vibe OP wouldn’t babysit for her to go out friends. If she can afford FT nursery working PT, maybe on the 2 days she’s not working and the Sunday the dad is around?

Sounds like she needs therapy. End of a relationship, using her phone to switch off, jumping straight into another relationship, knee jerk reactions, not being able to take two of her closest people saying they are worried about her actions/her son.
This made me so sad for your grandson.
I'd invite them round for dinner or something. And ask her what she would need for you to have your grandson the three days she is working, then he could do 2 days at nursery giving her a break... or something. I'd go in with we miss him, we think he will miss us, 3 days was perfect before type of thing.
I worry without your input for this little boy.
Sending lots of hope your way, I hope she sees the light for your grandson.

100% agree with this.

This is really sad to read, and must be hard for you to see as she is your daughter and you obviously love her and worry about her too.
I would definitely try and keep as much contact time with your grandson as you can - it seems like you are happy to do this and that he loves spending time with you. You are an huge consistent, safe and fun space in his life. Even if he’s in nursery a couple of days a week. Could you have your grandson overnight once in the week perhaps, and either have him during the day after or take him to nursery on the proviso that his mum then gets a complete break & time for herself, so that she hopefully feels she can be available for him and more engaged the rest of the time?

I don’t really want to write this, and please forgive me as I am making a huge leap here but I would also try and be cautious with any new partner your daughter might meet… there seem to be so many cases of neglect / abuse where a parent meets a new partner and that person has no tolerance for the child or sees them as a hindrance etc resulting in the child ending up suffering.

It sounds like your daughter maybe needs to see someone professional to talk to & help her through.

Realistically I think this is poor communication between you both.

if she works 3 days a week and the dad has him one day- then when is she supposed to see her friends, do the food shop, have some time just to be her? Without parenting 24/7. Especially when the nights are bad with wakes. It’s an endless treadmill. It does sound like she needs help and is depressed but she should have communicated this and you could have decided what you will help with eg one later night so she could go to the gym or on a date. Rather than her expect it.

the dad is the villain here because that level of access is so low- no wonder the child really wants his mother’s attention as suddenly his dad is gone.

i think how you communicated it has probably tipped her over the edge as she must feel unhappiness and guilt about the situation- of which some of it is out of her control, so to then have it flagged that she’s harming her child emotionally is too much.

i would enrol my child in nursery on a day off if I had no support so I could get stuff done which is a million times harder with them. It’s not uncommon if money is no issue. Especially if they don’t sleep well!

personally I’d speak with her and say you’re happy to do the 3 days but have him a bit later on one day so she can do something (if you are) and have a heart to heart. Where you acknowledge she’s in a tough spot and ask what she needs/what you can do together to meet the child’s need in the absence of the father parenting his own child.

Is she funding that herself out of interest or is this a government thing? Reason I ask is that sounds bloody expensive and my thoughts are she will pull him out.

I think she’s having a massive adult tantrum. She thought having a baby would be cute, the reality is that it’s bloody hard work and of course now she wants to see a new man and date, the child is getting in the way. You are caught between a rock and a hard place as really she’s blackmailing you. She wants you to commit to caring for your grandchild without moaning. It’s very immature and is definitely not centring her child. What’s the father like? DP you have a good relationship with him or his parents?

Maybe if the father stepped up and did 50-50 then the nights your DGS was there, she can have to "live her life" and be switched on to parenting and more engaged the other. The mother is getting serious shade and the father is escaping without blame.

It's quite clear she needs to engage more. That poor child.

This. She is old enough to understand the impact shd is having, and possibly punishing her son for the split. But she is not the focus - thd little boy is. Somehow shd must face her behaviour before her wilful and spiteful neglect does longterm harm. As her parent, I think you are responsible for sorting that out, I’m afraid (in my opinion).

I read this post and thought yes, she might be depressed.

It’s been proven that lack of engagement from the parents (when choosing to look at tech instead etc) causes social and emotional problems in the child. Bless him, he’s already “lost” one parent’s day-to-day engagement and now the other doesn’t want to know. YANBU. It seems as though your DD may need some therapy to come to terms with the split/being a single parent. To me, it reads as almost desperation to replace grandson’s father. Separately, I would try to minimise DGS noticing these things by keeping him engaged and busy where possible. He sounds like a super clever, switched on young chap, and I do feel ever so sorry for him. Would the paternal grandparents or his father be interested in seeing him more often to take some of the “burden” (I appreciate you don’t see your GC as a burden as such, but I just mean in terms of time commitment) off you?

It is a really sad read. My dd has been single parent to dgs since birth. She had a rough time a few months back, her health condition flared and her job was really stressful. I could see that when she came with dgs she just wanted to sit on her phone I think as a distraction for how she was feeling.
I felt the best thing to do was to nurture her so she felt better able to nurture dgs. I had dgs more, I fed them both, I encouraged her to rest more and spent time with her when dgs was in school building her up. Once she appeared to be doing better I drew her in to activities I'd be doing with dgs and it helped.
I organised family games night so they both come here after school I feed them and we play board games. Dgs loves it he talks about it all week and dd loves to see him happy, the phone is put away and dd is back to being fully in tune with dgs.
I'm still having dgs a little extra as I think she needs a break and I'm still nurturing dd a little too but she is 100% back to being dgs lovely mum with just a little bit of help from me.
OP it sounds like your dd needs a bit of nurturing too I'd try kindness, she likely knows she isn't doing great and your pointing it out has probably compounded how bad she feels about this. I'd try talking, starting from a place that you are worried about her first and ask what she needs to help her I wouldn't mention dgs needs at all initially.

If she wanted to some time to herself she could discuss it with you and get your help for her son to perhaps see more of his dad. She's prioritising her new relationship to the detriment of her child. Poor kid. Yet so many women do this.

I'd have a chat with her and centre that on the effect of taking him away from everyone he knows and loves may have. There's the potential he'll develop attachment disorder which will cause him lasting harm. The crux of this is that you don't become a parent to pass your child to someone else all the time, you become a family with that child.

What are you going to tell SS she's putting him in nursery? She doesn't play with him as much as ideal?