Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

This post is just heartbreaking. I’m so glad you’ve come up with some really sound advice and I hope it helps the OP in how to support her GS. Sorry for your experience.

This is so sad for the child. I think you need to tell her bluntly and assertively that she is failing her son as a mother. He has lost his dad (at least partly) and her son should now be her number one priority. You need to be absolutely clear about the times you can care for him, and stick to it eg by taking him home yourself when she doesn't collect him directly after work. Basically it sounds as though your DD doesn't actually want him any more, how desperately sad for the little boy.

Such a sad post. This was my dd also. Two little boys waiting for her to turn up one of whom used to go to bed to shorten the waiting. I stopped telling them when she said she was coming because I knew drinking and the latest man took precedence.

They lived full time with me ultimately. The eldest is now engaged and has bought a house. The youngest has struggled.

Your kindness and support for your grandson is so important. I so hope the nursery plan is a bluff. However she will.need to turn up to collect and this will not be 7 pm !

She can do what she wants but it's a shame for the child involved.

Basically this, people go through break ups, have a bad time, etc as adults but as parents you prioritise your kids and get on with it. You have been really patient already and tried to help but your DD has decided to throw her toys out. Let it play out, as hard as that will be.

This is what I would do too.

she sounds depressed. She needs to want to seek help for that. In the meantime I would mummy the little boy for her, it’s what he needs

What a difficult situation to be in. Have you met her new boyfriend? If so what is he like? Does he even know she has a child?
I think you need to have a proper talk with your daughter and be there to provide stability for your Grandson. I think you are right to say something to your daughter. Your Grandson needs his mum, but she may need some emotional support too.
Best of luck to you all.

What struck me @TheOpenBee is what happened back in December and what conversations took place then. Your dd is the same age as mine and I can't help but wonder what emotional support she has had as well as the practical support and if there were any boundaries andnexoectations set at the time.

It sounds like a dreadful situation all around but also that your dd needs active parenting and possibly an intervention through parenting classes and support.

Like others I wonder what the reason for the breakup was.

It's a hard situation all round.

She’s being abusive to her child. Are you going to let it continue?

It’s emotional abuse to withdraw from your child like that.

And how she's managed suddenly to enroll him in a nursery full time starting immediately when all the nurseries I know have waiting lists... So I would suspect the 'nursery' story immediately. In which case she's saying it to punish OP for daring to call her out.

Wait how old is your dd?

And she has already got a new boyfriend?

She sounds irresponsible. Her poor son.

She sounds depressed and in need of help herself.

However, she’s really damaging that little boy. Like, really seriously damaging him.

Like others, the thing that stuck out for me is how she can afford full time nursery! Is she an extremely high earner ?

Poor little boy 😢

That poor boy.. it sound like you daughter is not in the best place mentally at the moment which is hard. But this is his childhood.. I hope she finds the motivation to make things better

What I would want to do is shake her, and shout at her. But that won’t get you or him anywhere good I don’t think.

I think for his sake, I would go to her and say you were so sorry for upsetting her, that wasn’t at all your intention, you were just worried for and wanting the best for them both.

Then I’d push hard for a compromise. What a great idea to give him the experience of nursery and new friends, but could you compromise so that he goes there 2/3 days a week, and you continue to have him the other days- that will give her a bit more spare cash to make her life easier, build whatever future she wants, yadda yadda.

She sounds depressed and immature. You sound lovely. But at the heart of it is this little boy so I think I’d suck it up to get him the best outcome.

Jesus, as a teacher this explains so much to me about the kids in my classroom.

Actually, alternatively if it is a bluff as PP have said she's unlikely to be able to afford nursery, maybe let her carry on with the bluff a bit more. Then finally offer your help woth the gentle minimum condition that she spends x time a day/week with child / joins all of you on x activity and be fully present. Make it minimal, not such a large amount that her resentment seeps through. Even if she dials it in during that time, it's ok if child enjoys it and hopefully (being very sunshine and rainbows optimistic here...) they get closer.

I don't think she's texting. I think she might be deeply depressed and doom scrolling. And suffering from blocked care - where her emotional attachment to her son is suffering. She cares for him but can't feel any enjoyment and his demands feel like too much.
You sound mentally very robust. But your focus seems to be on your grandson. You daughter needs similar levels of care and compassion.
She's coping heroically, she's been left to do it all by a dad who will only do 1 day a week. Her only downtime is at yours.
Strongly suggest you have a compassionate chat where you don't criticise her parenting. (She's booking him in nursery to escape your disapproving looks). Tell her you love her, tell her you can see she's doing her best and gently ask if she is depressed. Offer to go to GP with her.
Your grandson will only recover when he has his mum back mentally and physically but shouting at her to be there just isn't going to cut it or be effective. You need to build her up and help her recover.

Your DD is being a selfish brat and she needs to get a bloody grip of herself, quite frankly. Your poor grandson (and poor you).

I think all you can do is eat humble pie, say sorry and you'll be happy to have your grandchild, and just be the loving and present pillars your grandchild needs.

I've never been in a position of fully resenting my child but if this is what she is going through, you can't "force" her to love or be affectionate to her child. You could even take her phone off her and physically lock them up in the same room from 9-6 but even then, you cannot force true affection & being present.

You can try a good talking to if it works but I think you probably catch more flies with honey than vinegar in this scenario. Shaming her or showering her with the expletives seen above in this thread is only going to turn her off parenting more. Some people are shit parents and should just not have kids... But once the kids have been had, you really just need to work around it, if you love the child.

She is using her child as a surrogate for his dad and taking her anger out on him. She needs to know this and she needs therapy. That poor kid.

In all the circumstances I'd say this child is at risk of neglect or abuse. Stay close to him.

There are no winners in this situation, except perhaps the selfish father who has buggered off into the sunset.

Of course her behaviour wasn’t reasonable at all and she was taking you for granted and taking advantage of you. You weren’t wrong to call it out. She is also clearly struggling and I imagine may have depression/burn out. Perhaps emotionally disengaging from her son because she can’t/isn’t ready to face the reality of what his father has done by abandoning him.

Let her sulk and have this strop, then gently reach out and reoffer support and say you are very happy to have him for 2 days again (or whatever you’re comfortable with, if you still are). I think she will accept the olive branch because she needs the help. She’s probably in a burning bridges, everyone has abandoned me so I’m going it alone kind of angry phase.

Why do 4% think op is unreasonable?