Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

It sounds like all throughout her daughter assigned parenting time she wasn't there for her ds, for all we know his father looked after him on his day. OP doesn't really mention the dad as she won't have much influence ver what her ex son in law does or doesn't do. There is no way this hapless mother can afford 5 days nursery unless she's a high flying professional in the city so she is clear not just neglectful but a lier too. Maybe she is getting her new boyfriend to look after her son. poor child. I have not much sympathy for his mother who at least has super supportive parents.

Of course you look after your children - as you say that’s a duty and a privilege. Interesting that you recognise that for the mother but not the father who is also a parent.

The dad in this situation is doing none of that - he has abandoned his child all bar one day a week. I agree that the mum isn’t doing a good job of stepping up. But she is there. She is the one who has stayed.

Realistically, as a single parent, unless you want to raise your child on benefits, you also need to work. I would not use someone for childcare, even my own parents, who were so critical of me in this situation but couldn’t recognise that the dads behaviour was at fault. I too would book full time childcare instead.

excuses, excuses.

The fact is op's daughter is neglecting her child during her assigned parenting time. We have no idea why this poor boy has only one day with his dad. His mother is responsible for him when it's her assigned parenting time and she neglect him on all levels.

His mum is damaging him for life and he will never get over the trauma. He needs her, she does not need to have a boyfriend or be alone after work. If she is clinically depressed she needs her gp and medication. The thing is when you have children it's not a choice to look after them, it's a duty and a privilege.

Do you think she could be calling your bluff? I'm not sure that nurseries often have free full time spaces? How is she planning to pay for top ups / wrap around(if the 30 free hours applies to term time

I think you accept she made the choice to enrol him into nursery and stay out of it

Respectfully, I think that your post is a bit one-sided and that you aren’t being very supportive here.

Your daughter is the parent who stayed. She has her son 7 nights a week, every week, whilst her ex has him for one day. But your criticism is all for her and none for him. She’s explained to you that your grandson is missing his dad and isn’t sleeping- that’s hugely common after a split - and your daughter is managing all of that.

Your daughter can’t raise a child on 3-days-a-week work : financially that’s not possible. I think that it’s highly likely that she is either working as many extra hours as she possibly can to keep her son in his home or desperately looking for a full time job or trying to move. Or possibly all three. Not many single parents can afford childcare for chill days so I highly doubt that she’s sitting around 2 days a week whilst paying for nursery.

You only see a snapshot of her time with him, and she probably really enjoys a break from being the parent who is always on when she is with you. That’s why she’s not focused on him - she’s focused the rest of the time. The parent who isn’t focused on your grandson at all is his father who has left and isn’t spending more than a day a week with him.

You can, of course, quite rightly set boundaries about your own time and how much practical help you’re able to offer. 6 days a week is too much, and it’s very reasonable to say that and to reduce down your own time.

But, like your daughter, I would be uncomfortable with my child spending so much time with someone who was so heavily critical of me and who had completely failed to recognise the impact of the child’s dads behaviour on both myself and my son.

That sounds so difficult for you. I feel for you.

she’s being petulant in the moment, but hopefully she does love her son and this is just a phase. It will be damaging for your son if she doesn’t change so anything you can do slowly to help is worth it for his sake.

i’d suggest that you go with her decision on nursery and say you understand that it takes the pressure off her knowing she always has an option, knowing that the safety net is there. (Maybe she is stressed about that). But could you offer to take him from nursery early home for three afternoons a week and say you’d still love to see him. You would have to say fine to keep him till 6 though (since you would only be doing half a day not such a big deal for you?)….

…reading between the lines if you are regularly complaining that she’s not there by 5.30 and it is a physical impossibility for her to finish work in time and travel to you for that (without causing her major stress) then you might have forced her hand to take the nursery option.

Her ignoring him is terrible. I couldn’t wait to spend time with my kids when I got home from work. Nursery is not a problem for a 3yo if they feel loved and secure and wanted when they are home. How you fix that I don’t know. Try to get closer to your daughter and understand her life at the moment maybe?

sorry to ask a rude question - I might be way off here, but you don’t seem to like your own child - a difficult q, but has she learnt this behaviour from you?

What a selfish young woman.
She is trying to blackmail you.

Let him go to nursery as he will have children to play with.

Do not be blackmailed by her, because that is clearly what she is doing.

I would be truly devastated that she has shown herself to be so uncaring towards her child.

If you stop her you could well end up rearing your grandchild for the next 15 years.
Is that what you want.

I would be having a very firm conversation with her that you will not be blackmailed.

She sounds lazy snd selfish.

Why isn’t the father doing his fair share of parenting this little boy?

100% agree. True depression would leave a person unable to cope with a new relationship.

That's awful OP, your heart must be in your boots. Your daughter has behaved appallingly.

What is your relationship like with the father? Can you discuss matters with him at all?

This is going to go badly wrong for your daughter, she will soon have a very difficult situation on her hands. Any problems the nursery staff raise she is going to have to deal with on her own, she will be getting home tired from work and have to deal with a very unhappy and cranky child - which is not to say he won't be happy at nursery with other children, but he's going to be exhausted at the end of the day. She will be listening to many questions from him about when he can see his lovely GPs again too.

My bet is that she will be crawling back to you for help in a very short while, hold your nerve!

That poor child.

I'm sorry your daughter is too caught up in herself to see how much she's hurting her own child. She's prioritising getting a new man over her child, hence the focus on her phone and texting with him.

Yes I think a good idea for grandma to eat humble pie no matter how hard it is.

Uutterly useless perspective though. Shame her, whip her, flagellate her, imprison her... And then what? She's not going to magically love her son. It's better to at least offer her faux sympathy to build bridges between her and her son.

Trust me, I believe some people shouldn't have children (and could even elaborate on this with unsavoury policy views), but now that the son HAS been birthed, I am really not sure what good condemning her does except give you satisfaction that would be useless for the boy and the grandma. It's all about your ego rather than the boy.

So having given so much time to her grandchild whose 'mother' couldn't care less about him the OP is being told to give even more, to 'eat humble pie' to further appease her daughter!

I don't get this at all. It'll only be hard for the little boy, not the mum. My parents clearly resented our clinginess and had the time of their life working and socialising when I was little. It was only terrible for me, not them.

Good to read that no everyone is making excuses for the selfish, useless daughter.

This. Her son, her responsibility. I’d let this play out, it sounds like she is trying to guilt you into saying you will basically take him and parent him as she CBA. Full time care will be expensive - you need to set boundaries and maybe offer to have him, say 2 or 3 days a week but no more as she is his mum, and frankly needs to act like it.

Your daughter is not thinking of her son right now. Perhaps nursery is a good idea, she'll have to pay and collect on time. When the child's sick, nursery won't take him. I'm sure you'll get asked to have grand child then, also on Saturdays when she's had enough! Leave her to it, she'll soon come back with the grand child when shes had enough! Your grand child will love nursery, so don't worry about that.

I agree with those suspecting she is just using the threat of full time nursery to make you give up and offer to have your DGS full time.

I'm sorry but I have absolutely no time for selfish people like her. She's not depressed, she's just obsessed with her new bf. I have actually met a few people like her including one who went on a 2 week holiday and left her DC with a cousin.

Your Daughter is acting like a teenager, you need to sit her down and tell her she is damaging her child. Ignoring a child and having your face stuck in a phone is just down right abusive. If you can cope with having your Grandson then tell her you really want to look after him for the usual 3 days. Do this for your Grandson not your Daughter.

I think she’s blackmailing you and thinking this will force you to have him on those days. I mean, can she afford for him to be in nursery full time?

If she was my daughter I would be reading her the riot act.

ANd she’s not depressed, she’s got a new boyfriend!

Depressed or not, your daughter seems like an entitled, spoiled brat. I went through hell when my DC were 2&1 and my parents did everything they could to help me, but this? I know my parents would have wholly put their foot down and told me exactly what they thought. It's a terrible situation for you as you seem like wonderful grandparents. Your daughter is probably lonely after having a child at what seems a young age for that generation and perhaps has no friends at the same stage in life with a baby-if this is the case she needs to grow up and put her son before herself and her phone. I think you should be absolutely black and white about this with her. Phones are an absolute devil in the lives of babies and young children these days. I hope you can resolve this but I think if you use some tough love on your part now, you have nothing to lose. Good luck.

It’s possible your daughter feels she can’t handle being a single mother.
Some young women are so lacking confidence and independence that they need a partner just to get through life. Her little boy has fallen by the wayside in her list of priorities as she prefers to concentrate on establishing a new partner, which of course is harder to do successfully when she already has a child.

None of that is an excuse of course but it’s possible your DD won’t be back to ‘normal’ until she has a live in partner to share the burdens of life, to love her and provide that family set up.

In the meantime your darling grand son suffers and your DD won’t get this time back. You and your DH already have a very special relationship with him that helps sustain him in his need for parental affection. it’s cruel that this routine should suddenly be rejected and replaced with full time nursery.

I would do what you can to plead with your daughter to see sense and limit nursery to five mornings. Maybe nursery won’t accept that now as full time gives them much needed funds to continue to run. But for the sake of your grandson do what you can to alleviate his plight. If you are up to it health wise, maybe you could even suggest that you will have him full time instead of nursery and take him to playgroups etc for socialisation. Maybe your daughter would be happy to save money that way.

You were not unreasonable at all OP. But I’m sorry you have to face the heartbreak of seeing him punished in this way for you daring to say the truth,
You have done your very best in the circumstances so far and I’m sure you will continue to try to do that now. All the best. I feel your pain.

A very good point!!