Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

Your daughter will come around - some arsehole just dumped her and that’s devastating. Give her awhile to regroup.

Sweet jebus - the OP never said who broke up with who. And sorry, but all the evidence in this story is that it is the daughter who is acting like the complete arsehole.

I mean dumping her son at his grandparents 5 days a week , when she is free 2 of those. To be arriving back at 7pm, with her son so eager to see her, since 5.15pm!! Constantly on her phone & not present as a parent, and the heart wrenching story about the sand box. Oh yeah, then having been "guilted" into spending her days off with her son for measly weeks (of days off) I.e. 4 days, she goes away unannounced and books her kid into 50hours a week of childcare. No consideration for her lovely mum & and the child's lovely grandparents whatsoever!?

Jeez - she may be going through some issues herself - but she sounds simply awful tbh. A self centred, spiteful b !!

Poor little boy, my heart breaks for him thinking about how much he just wants some attention from his mummy :(

YANBU at all. You are clearly a loving grandparent.

My good friend describes her 33 year old son ignoring his 4 year old son by always being on his phone. He often literally has to pull at his clothing or get right in his face to get his attention. It breaks her heart. She is very involved in the little boy's life and tries to make up for her son's shortcomings. These fucking smart phones are EVIL in some hands, honestly they are.

I wonder if she’s one of those parents that is only interested in the child as long as they’re part of the “happy family” package and once that crumbles, they don’t want the reality of parenting anymore.

Regardless, she’s 27, not a baby. She needs to get help for her mental health and stop neglecting her child.

OP has already done that and it hasn't worked. What else are you going to do? Buy a love spell on the black market and cast it? Force the mother to kiss and cuddle the child? Seems to be eating humble pie is pretty much the best available solution in the short run so the child doesn't feel totally abandoned. Ego or not.

Also very rich for someone who started our conversation with "bullshit" to start acting like the victim of rudeness now lol

mhmmm bunfight and OP not back.

Ignoring how unbelievably rude you are being, OP doesn’t have to roll over and accept that her daughter can ignore her own child. That would be pretty poor parenting from the OP. Her daughter needs support which can take the form of childcare, a listening ear but also some firm home truths about her behaviour. Pandering to her is not good support, enabling poor behaviour isn’t helpful. I say that as someone who has pretty much been in the daughter’s behaviour except I didn’t start up new social relationships, I was genuinely depressed. Telling someone that their behaviour is acceptable when it isn’t and bowing to their every whim is not good support. Helping them to get back on their feet is.

I won’t be engaging with you any longer as you seem to feel that rudeness is an acceptable way to engage with someone else. You can keep your opinion, I will keep mine and hopefully the OP and her family find a way to work things out.

You want to report someone for sending their child to nursery? Don’t be so fucking ridiculous

Offering it humbly is pretty much eating humble pie, because if you dangle it like some kind of evil Lady Bountiful, it's not going to work. That and nice supportive talks with the daughter is OP's only option. She's already given her daughter a good talking to and it hasn't worked, and IMO continuing down the condemning route is only going to deepen the mother's clear dislike/resentment of the child.

I dislike lazy, selfish parents as much as everyone else but you must learn to take your ego out of the equation and eat humble pie for the time being if you don't want the child to suffer. Very silly to suggest I'm the daughter... dear

This is hearbreaking.

She needs a good talking to and to bloody grow up. What she's doing to your little grandson is unforgivable. 50 hours away from his family is just cruel. What is she thinking?

I'd actually consider reporting her.

Why doesn't his dad intervene?

Going to a nursery is not ‘torture for a child.’ It sounds to me like they will probably develop a better relationship together without so much intervention from you. You’re treating her like a child and she’s acting like one. It’s a toxic dynamic.

Wow, this is heartbreaking

Why is it OK for the father to check out of parenting (one day a week is not active parenting) I feel sorry for your daughter. She needs support. If 5 days a week nursery will help her, so be it. Many children go 5 days a week because their parents are working. Both parents need to step up. Not just the mum. It's always left to the mother to sort out. The ex bf is able to have 6 days a week to himself, maybe if he did 3.5 days each then that would help.

What are you on about, egotistical facade 😂

I suggested that the grandmother offer to have the child for three - four days a week if they can - how is that a standoff?! And I mentioned the father wasn’t doing enough. It’s about offering support whilst simultaneously letting the daughter know that her behaviour isn’t acceptable and she needs to change

Are you the OPs selfish daughter?! And don’t call me ‘dear’. Being patronising isn’t a good way of putting forward your opinion.

you sound like a wonderful grandparent and it is great that this little boy has you in his life to give him consistent love and care. How was your daughter with her son before the split? I know that when my marriage broke up (he walked out when our baby was 7 months old) I was scared, exhausted, depressed and angry, a roller coaster of emotions so maybe your daughter is struggling with a lot of negative emotions. Maybe you might be able to ask her if deep down she is struggling and her indifference to her son is a symptom of this. Of course this does not mitigate the confusion and distress this poor little one is experiencing, in many ways for me having to care for my baby was what got me though, there was still joy to be had in life from this little person and I hope your daughter rediscovers this

Anyone who cares for the child can see through your egotistic facade. Engaging in a protracted standoff that ends with the child being dumped with strangers all day (whether that be a bluff or not) is simply a matter of ego vs ego. It's obvious my dear.

A very short sentence that reveals you don’t have the child’s long term welfare in your thoughts.

Wanting long term change from the mother isn’t about my ‘ego’. How bizarre.

Many long paragraphs to say you put your ego ahead of the child's wellbeing

So that the daughter feels vindicated for her horrific behaviour? Why should she be enabled?

I’ve been the depressed solo parent and it’s so hard and sometimes you just don’t want to parent and if it was just that then maybe I’d get it to a degree, but texting a new boyfriend and socialising with him? Bullshit.

If OP just bows down to this behaviour then it will never changes it tells the daughter that she is behaving just fine. If it were me, I would personally offer to have my grandson for the three or four days a week to give him that stability and care and it’s up to the mother what she does on the other days with nursery - whether those are days she works or not, that’s her business . But I would also be suggesting to my daughter that she needs to sort her shit out and step up when she IS with her child. He needs to be her focus. Yes the father also needs to step up more too, but that doesn’t give mum the excuse to simply check out On her son.

Just be very wary, OP, of offering to have your GS more often, because I suspect your DD is trying to set up a new relationship and might just 'need a holiday' and leave GS in your sole care for weeks at a time while she does so. I'm not condemning her totally, I was a single parent to five with no other parent or family help or involvement and I know how utterly destroying and exhausting this is. But she does need to grow up and see herself and her son as a unit, rather than try everything she can to get another man to complete her life. It might need a bit of growing up on her part.

That was in response to @Secretsquirels post

Heartbroken for this little boy, I could hardly bear to read the OP. Glad he has you and your DH as such good grandparents.💐

OP was routinely having her GC for 3 full days a week, and has had him 6 days a week for several weeks. I think she's been very supportive.
Many of us have had to navigate solo caring for children during difficult circumstances with no family help at all. OPs DD has the hump because OP won't unquestioningly comply with her wants.

That's my interpretation, too. She's essentially spat her dummy out - you're not doing exactly what she wants so she's punishing you by removing your GS from your care.

Only you know her well enough to be able to have an educated guess whether it's because she's depressed, or whether she's always been a 'I'm going to do what i want to do and sod the rest of you' person.

I'd keep quiet, let it lie for a few days & see what occurs. I suspect she'll do a U turn on the full time nursery threat.

I would not say anything for the moment. She has thrown her toys out the pram and will possibly change her mind again and realise that she needs you. She might not be able to afford the nursery

You need a sensible conversation with her, to get her to accept her parenting responsibilities. She can't dump her child on you 7 days a week just to see her new boyfriend. His father has already walked away and he needs his mum.

She sounds very selfish and has now cut her nose off to spite her face. If she is dating again already then she can't be heartbroken over the breakup.

She also sounds very childish, if she is on her phone all the time like a teenager. She needs to put her phone down and be with her child.

If she comes around to a discussion, then confirm you will have him 3 days a week, will give him tea and she will pick him up at 5.30pm. Stress that this is for his benefit not yours. You can babysit the occasional weekend but not all the time.