Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

How very compassionate of you.. As grown women, all of us have low points and need some form of support whether that be practical, emotional etc. She is his mother and his main care giver therefore - help her to help herself in the long run and that's what's best for the grandchild and the wider family.

SHE is a grown woman. The child is, well a child. You have a very strange way of thinking. Of course the child is the priority.

This is probably the hardest post I have read and it made me feel really sad, I actually nearly stopped reading it.

I wonder if your daughter is overwhelmed being a single parent, also bl**dy modern living I sometimes think we have way too many modern distractions to calm us down from the stresses of life. We win in someways and lose in others.

you are both doing an amazing job with your DGS and he is so very lucky. Giving him gentle settled play, love and laughter.

your DD may have taken something as a slur against her as a mum or similar and she has taken it upon herself to avoid any further negative feelings.

personally I wonder if she needs support around the home and maybe if his father doesn’t help at weekends an evening off every so often, I don’t mean for you to take a sleepover onboard also, but if you are willing it could be a start?

your DD sounds like she is struggling even though she may not know herself yet. Wishing you every luck.

Have you asked her how SHE is? Your focus is on the grandchild and not on your child....

She has just gone through a relationship breakdown, she could be low, struggling financially, feeling lost, overwhelmed that the life she envisaged as a family unit is now not there and she is literally left holding the baby... alone.

She is where the focus should be and of course you shouldn't be looking after your grandchild to that extent but if you focus on your child and supporting her through this difficult time... it'll filter down.

do you believe that she has enrolled the child to nursery, or is she saying this for a reaction? It would be a huge expense especially after being used to free childcare.

you sound like wonderful grandparents

This is so sad. Is she depressed? I think he should be in nursery at age 3 it’s good for them! So he should go the 3 days she’s at work. 1 day with dad. Maybe a sleepover with you Saturday night because yes mums need a life and you’re clearly happy to have him. The other days & times she should spend 1 on 1 quality time with her son! She has lots of help so it’s not like she’s burned out. It’s heartbreaking reading this!

Where's the bollocks button? The grandmother seems to be the only one who really cares about this child, the 'mother' and 'father' seem to have checked out. MN is often seen to support terrible 'mothers' which is a sad state of affairs.

How is she going to afford the feeds for the ears she’s not working?

@TheOpenBee has she given any indication that she’s struggling with her mental health, mention being a bit overwhelmed with parenting, etc? Anything that would open up a conversation around that?

I’m going to sound like a cow but this update has only made me this worse of your DD.

I think her behaviour is incredibly selfish to everyone. I don’t think you will be pushed out of her life because you’re too useful as free childcare at the moment. She can’t have her 6 days off if you don’t help, well she can’t be she will have to pay for it. She sounds manipulative and I don’t think she is struggling, I think she is selfish.

I have no further advice, but I seriously hope for yours and little one’s sakes that you get it worked out.

ETA - sorry for the annoying quote, it was unnecessary but I can’t get rid of it now I’ve stupidly done it.

You really are between a rock and a hard place at the moment @TheOpenBee
You don’t want to push your dd away into the arms of her new bf, taking a vulnerable little boy with her. 🥲
Tread softly- wishing you the best.

Your daughter sounds as though she's really struggling.

This is so sad. You sound like wonderful grandparents, OP.

Oh no OP, this is absolutely heartbreaking 😢💔
The poor little boy. Just wanted to say how lucky he is to have you and his Grandad in his young life 💐😞

Would the father have him more?

I meant it will be hard for the OP to do, as it will obviously be hard for her grandson. Although it will also be harder logistically for her daughter as nurseries don’t accept late pick ups or open on Saturdays but I think she’s probably bluffing anyway to guilt trip her parents. If I was the OP I wouldn’t give in to it and would see what happened.

This post made me feel really sad, but it also resonated with me , although admittedly I did not disengage to the level you have described your daughter has .

when I was going through a rough time wanting out of my terribly depressing marriage, I utilised my parents looking after my young daughter alot. I would also disengage at times and I know hand on heart did not give as much as I could of during that period. I was wrapped up in my own problems and looking for a distraction ( other people’s attention etc) than focus on being a mum first. I can remember my parents explaining to me how my behaviour was wrong but it wasn’t until I was out of that messy place mentally that I could truly see that. I had counselling for a long time and worked hard on myself and in time became a much better mother.
I am now happily remarried to a wonderful man and we have another daughter and second time round I am a honestly much better mother. My heart aches for my eldest and the time I took for granted and wasn’t my best. But I work hard every day to make up for it. We are incredibly close as a family.
I just wanted to reiterate really that this could be a sign your daughter is struggling with some things and it might be hard for her to recognise that and the effect her behaviour is having on her son.
you sound like a wonderful grandparent and she is very lucky to have your support. I would like others have said ask to have him on her working days so he is getting the love and support from you a reasonable percentage of the week.

Don't be so ridiculous. I mean for the obvious neglect OP is concerned about.

This is so sad. Sounds like she might be not doing well about the split - can you offer her some "mummy time" at first to ask her what she needs and mother her a bit so she can feel safe to open up a bit.
If she can get to a better place I'd be trying to get her asap to join perhaps an early years parenting course so that she can understand the deep psychological damage this behaviour can cause at his most formative time in life? It's so well know that these early years are integral to healthy development - pre Tory gov a lot of money was put into surestart centres for this but it was mostly cut away in the "austerity budgets".
Try to get her see, after some time for her from you, that life is long. Time and input now will lead to a much happier and easier future for her too rather than a life with a son who struggles to have healthy attachments with people because he couldn't form a secure attachment to his Mum.

OP,
That's a very sad story, and so hard for you & the child's grandfather to have to watch this play out, especially as ye're so involved with the lad.

It's pretty clear, ye're a great influence in your grandson's life and ye're even more important now. Please keep this in mind.

I would sit down with your daughter & reassure her that ye are there for her & your grandson, whatever else. That you're more than happy to look after the lad 3-4 days a week say as before, and if she'd like to talk to ye ever about anything else she's always very welcome to. etc

And then leave it to her.

P.s. I think any comments on her parenting skills, or how much her son (&your grandson) miss her being a loving mum, would be quite misplaced for now. Nonetheless don't back down, don't apologise for trying to do the right thing previously by pointing things out (hard truths by the sounds of it) to her, just leave these to 'implied silences' for now & for a while imho.

P.p.s. when I read your OP I was wondering if your daughter struggling with a drink problem, or something else tbh, but even if she is , it's up to her to open up & seek support & help she needs for whatever she is going through (even if it's 'just' break up issues) in her own time. She's an adult, your poor grandson is just a kid, a kid so obviously feeling quite unloved & uncherished at the mo sadly.... However this is where ye can come in as the lovely grandparents ye seem to be. Good on ye!!

Good luck to ye & your grandson OP!!!

OP, based on the info you provided naturally we all agree that your dd is not meeting your dgs emotional needs and that she seems not to be in the right headspace for being a parent;

But since you have not given us any other info about your dd, your relationship with her prior to this, what happened with the father etc, we cannot give you any sensible advice.

Your daughter is extremely immature for her age and very selfish to give such little empathy or consideration to her own child.

I have absolutely no doubt she will be dropping him off soon enough at yours when she needs time to herself. As concerned as you are about your grandson, at least at the nursery he will be around other children, so consider that one good thing to come from this.

If she is only working part-time, sticking him in nursery for 50 hours a week is sad. It is clear that she doesn't want to take care of her boy and that is where I think you may need to consider intervening.

I think you would be unreasonable if you don't tell your daughter that her parenting is not good enough, although that is a difficult conversation to have. Maybe she is struggling, perhaps with depression, but how would she feel trying to interact with someone who won't put their phone down? It's bloody rude and a dreadful example to a wee boy who is already feeling abandoned by her. Tell her you would like to still help with childcare - decide how many days or half-days you want to do.

It's fine for mum to have some time to herself but unfair on her son to not devote time and attention to him too.

I am inclined to agree really, people saying she has no time to herself but she works three days a week, drops her son off at her parents five days a week and his dad has him once - so she has three days at work and three days to herself.

She is doing one day of parenting and 7 bedtimes and dad is doing one day of parenting. They both sound utterly shit.