Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

Your grandson is ok - he's got you and his dad as well as his mum. Of course he craves the person who appears most emotionally distant at the moment but he isn't in the same situation as a child with no loving or supportive adults around.

Consider that your daughter is overwhelmed with work and parenting and life in general. Things that might help her:

• can you take your grandson home straight after dinner rather than have her collect him? You can start bath (if needed) + pyjamas so that he and his mum get some less stressful(?) time together before it's actually bedtime. (Collecting him so late I'd be surprised if he didn't sleep in the car on the way home which is a problem for making a 7pm bedtime work).
• help your daughter find a cleaner / gardener etc to help reduce the burden of stuff at home.

Hats off to you for being honest to (and about) your daughter, despite the freaky predictable reaction that most bad parents, when confronted with their behaviour . It cannot have been easy for you.

Whatever the circumstances of the split, her behaviour and the “don’t you want me to have a life” comment shows a shocking lack of parenting skills. She’s a mother, she only has one job and that’s to raise her son the best she can. Everything else is secondary and supportive of that objective.

Poor little boy doesn’t stand a chance of her behaviour continues like this.

Your daughter is suffering from depression. She may not accept it, but she needs help. The longer she leaves it, the worse it will become. Please, ask her if she will speak to her doctor ( if she can get an appointment) .

I think one of the reasons she’s sending him to nursery five days a week is so that she doesn’t have to face you and be confronted about her poor parenting. However , when he’s ill and nursery won’t take him I guarantee she ‘ll come running back to you for help. It’s still a horrible situation for everyone, though, except possibly the boyfriend who will be seeing lots of her . I think she’s probably at that early infatuation stage of her relationship and all she can think about is making time for her boyfriend. Your daughter and grandson are very fortunate to have you and I’m sure she’ll realise this eventually. Good luck to you all

Hmmm.. not really.

This is such a tricky situation. That poor little boy. This is a very sensitive situation to get right to ensure he has secure attachments in the future as he problem feels abandoned by your daughter and soon he will wonder why he is seeing either of you. You sound like fabulous grandparents. I wonder if your daughter is suffering some kind of anxiety/ depression over the end of the relationship. Maybe try talking to her and say you love her and GS to pieces and would love him to still come a few time a week but also for consistency. And gently ask her is everything OK your not prying or being nosy but you know how hard raising a child is/the end of a relationship but you like her want the best for him in all this. Good luck I hope you get to meet in the middle a bit 💗

What amazing grand parents you are, I can't even get my parents to have my child for the day! Even when my brother was in hospital, they refused to have his children. She is very lucky to have so much help. The fact she is trying to palm her kid off 6 days a week all day is utterly unfair, it is selfish behaviour and needs a wake up call. I feel sorry for the kid.

Also, in her defense, dad having his son "when she wants to go out" isn't OK, he needs regular visitation, ideally as close to 50/50 as is practical if he wants/she wants. He is just as responsible for his child as your daughter and yet he clearly spends less time with his son than your daughter with zero fingers pointing at him.

not trying to sidetrack this thread which is rightly focused on the poor GS, his wonderful grandparents & the now strangely emotionally, physically absent, & seemingly compassionless daughter.

You may have missed the part where the OP states that the father pays all the rent, is working extra shifts in a bar at night to fund this whole escapade (assumedly while working a full time job also) & is staying (assumedly renting) a room in a friend's house. Further, he calls over & even stays over to allow her a night out.... with a new boyfriend....

Maybe that's why no one is pointing the finger at him!? I.e. He's doing his absolute best in a lousy situation by the sounds of it....

P.s. try reversing the roles for 1 second & see what that life looks like from his eyes, maybe? e.g. imagine what would this thread read like if the roles were reversed here, for a bit of balanced perspective perhaps!?

P.p.s. also with what we know of the DD, he may not even be allowed access to his child when he's free to see him, (when he's not working to support him & his part time working mother), is likely being subjected to exactly the same type of emotional abuse blackmail that the DD is subjecting her very supportive parents to, who looked after their GS so diligently, & have been 'punished' with threats for having had the mere temerity to pull her up on taking them for granted, and being a wholly horrible, neglectful & damagingly absent parent to her DS & their GS!?

Ah yes, that must be why.... rant over :)

@TheOpenBee You are definitely not being unreasonable but if you are worried about DC going to nursery, could you manage the 3 days a week she is working (although reiterate that she needs to pick up DC promptly!) plus one afternoon or morning a week? That way if she is struggling as a single parent with a poorly sleeping child, she still gets a few hours a week when she’s not working or with DC to catch up on her sleep (plus the Sunday that dad has DC).

I know posters on here will say that’s more free time than most single parents get (I’m a single parent btw), but if she is perhaps struggling with depression then knowing those few hours break are “booked in” (so she doesn’t have to ask) may help. I understand it’s a lot though and it may be too much for you, apologies if so ❤️

Although I must admit as a single parent I don’t understand her apparent need for frequent adult socialising, over spending time with her child - that’s just something you have to accept reduces dramatically when anyone, single or not makes the choice to become a parent 🤷‍♀️(at least when the kids are very young). It’s a necessary sacrifice and she needs to get over it imo.

Is there any way you could go away for a week OP, just so your daughter realises how lucky she is to have help on hand?

This is so sad.
I hope your daughter will realise that the time she spends now with her young son is so precious and will give him quality time. He is lucky to have you in his life and give him the stability and the love he naturally craves.

( I am sorry but I pressed the wrong option - I meant to click on you are not unreasonable.)

Are you sure she definitely has a FT nursery place lined up or could it be a threat to hurt you? Many nurseries, good ones anyway, have long waiting lists for places, so if she’s saying she’s secured one at very short notice, it might not be true.

a lot of the comments here are strangely forgiving of this daughter. She doesn’t need therapy she needs to step up. She is definitely in the wrong.

I’d be surprised if she can afford FT nursery fees on a 3 day a week job. I earn £70k and we can’t afford to send DD to nursery full time, even with the 15 hours free per week that’s still about £300 per week. Call her bluff.

Put this under her nose and get her to read what you have written. She's peed off anyway, maybe time for a few home truths.

I agree, was thinking this also. My own mother was raised by her lovely Grandparents as her narcissistic parents had other priorities🙄 Stability and love is what this darling boy needs. If she can't give it to him, then other arrangements need to be made.

I can’t see how she can fund 50 hours a week nursery on 3 day wage so suspect it’s all bluster.
Can you message her and say you are very happy to mind him 8.30-5.30 on the 3 days she works but understand it’s her decision.
She sounds very selfish and immature.

Poor little bubba is almost being punished by his mother who appears now to resent looking after the child of someone who has left her, despite the fact the father is working and paying her rent.
5 days a week in a nursery straight out of the gate will be too much for him especially given the current instability he is already experiencing. Pool little lad.
Your daughter appears to be pressing the nuclear option as a way to get you to continune to look after him - an all or nothing strategy. Hopefully you can find a middle way..

I think I would be offering to have your Grandson just live with your full time, then you know he’s getting the attention he needs and deserves, and I think she might agree to go along with it ?

I’ve known grandparents bring up children, in lovely families, where perhaps you might not expect it.

It sounds to me like the child’s father ran off, she doesn’t really want to look after him, if you do, offer it as an option.

It would be better in the long run, than his mother and father, who don’t seem to be concerned about him

You need to put a stop to this nonsense immediately. Look after him 3 days a week as before and no she may not come to your house with him on the other days. She should be entitled to childcare.

Someone earlier has suggested that OP and her DH should apply for guardianship.
I've no idea if the little boy's DM is taking the p**s or is unwell/overwhelmed following the end of her realationship with his dad.
I would hope that it wouldn't come to this, but legal Guardianship or a Child Arrangements Order would certainly be an option for OP.

@TheOpenBee I think you need to make a decision and stick to it 100%. Either you fully accept that your GS is your daughter's child and for her look after however (badly) she wishes, or you accept that (because you love him) at least for the time being GS is your responsibility.

You simply can not change your daughters behaviour, no matter how much you disagree with it. And i understand why you do, because you wish the best for your GS.

So, either accept the care your daughter gives him. Or take on the responsibility. But what you can not do is being used as an adhoc default childcare and being upset about it and talk, nag and resist. Because that keeps your daughter in the driving seat of the situation which is unhealthy for all.

This was such a sad read, I have a two year old boy and my heart breaks for your grandson. I think all you can do is just to be there for your grandson, I know you want his mum to step back into ehat she was like before and support her as your daughter but for now the main thing is your grandson doesnt have yet more upheaval.

Can you talk to your daughter and just, without grovelling or apologising, just say you're here to support her and grandson and if it means more time with him then that's fine, he's happy with you and it's so sad your daughter would rather him do longer days than alot of people work at nursery than have am honest conversation with you and a hard look at her own interactions with her son.

You obviously know more than me.

Your GS only gets one childhood and a lack of love and care from his mum will eventually take a massive toll on the rest of his life. Your DD maybe needs professional support. Ultimately as parents, our children have to come first, no matter what feelings we have and emotions we experience. I say this as someone who became a single parent whilst in an inpatient parent and baby unit, so I more than understand how brutal things can be.