Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

This morning l reread your post and that made me cry for your little GS. I am so sorry that you are in this position, if you threaten your DD with SS ( which she deserves) she may withdraw completely and your GS will be the loser. If there anyone she is close to that she would listen to, and you could explain the situation. She will be harming the child if she continues neglecting him, she may want a life but the child should be her priority. It sounds that she has it easy working only 3 days a week, you taking care of her child and her XP paying the rent, she needs to wake up, just hope that the new bf is a decent person and will treat your GS better than she does.
Please let us know how the situation involves.

Before the split DD and GS had an amazing relationship there was never a problem with them. She’d take care of him wonderfully. He’s an arty child and she’d always be coming up with ways to nurture his imagination and have fun with him.

I just read this from one of your replies.

If DD used to be like this, it sounds like she needs some help as there's obviously a massive change in her behaviour.

I hope she is able to reach out and things improve. It sounds like she needs you and is hurting. As will be your grandson, who clearly wants to spend quality time with his mum and will need his GPs too.

So sorry this has happened OP.

You sound like a very caring mum and grandmother, this must be very difficult for you.

Was your daughter like this with your grandson when she was still together with his father? Or is this a sudden change in her personality?

It can't have been easy, her ex moving away and leaving her to do most of the parenting. Of course she still needs to take responsibility and was very fortunate that you were helping her out so much.

I hope that you are able to sort this out. You are clearly a positive influence in their lives and I hope that your daughter doesn't keep punishing you for settling some boundaries.

Me too. I have tears in my eyes for this poor little guy 🥺

I’m so sorry you are your husband are going through this. Reading this is actually heartbreaking. You not only sound like such loving and amazing grandparents your grandson, but also amazing parents to your daughter. I wish I’d had a mother as loving and supportive as you when I was bringing up my daughter on my own, whilst also working. I’m sorry to say this, but your daughter sounds very entitled and self absorbed and in an ideal world I’d keep a bit of distance for a while, However given the circumstances with your poor little grandson and the fact that he now needs both of you more than ever. I would arrange to have a talk with her and just be positive about the good stuff she’s doing, for example working hard and just say you realise it must have been difficult for her after splitting up from her son’s father, and say you really want to spend time with your grandson before he starts school and ask her to think of all the money she’ll save by not sending him to nursery full time ( hopefully that will help in changing her mind) When my daughter was 2 and a half just before I started a 3 day course. I enrolled her into a nursery gradually for a year for just 2 afternoons a week because she used to love to play with other children her age at the mother and toddler’s groups I frequently took her too. She absolutely loved the nursery, but what your daughter is doing, feels like she’s actually punishing you by sending your grandson to nursery full time. That poor boy is going from being with his loving grandparents full time to then being sent to a nursery which is a totally different environment and where he doesn’t know anyone. I really urge you, for the sake of your poor grandson, who really needs you now more than ever. To try and get your daughter to change her mind about sending him to nursery full- time. I wish you all the best and please keep us updated.

It sounds like she is to wrapped up with the new boyfriend

Won't she get heavily subsidised childcare for 30 hours as he's 3?

This would not be an empty thread I would be telling your DD if does not step and be a decent parent I would be calling SS myself, I am sick of excuses used because people choose to parent and dont want the responsibility children are not the latest must have accessory it time she grew up

If you are in the uk. I think the government pay for a number of child care hours but not grandparents to do these hours.think it’s about 30 hours but parents can tell me if that’s right or not.
Maybe she needs to work full time now the partners gone?
she sounds like she needs emotional support whatever.
And her little boy does too.Are social services involved? They can organise nursery places under some circumstances.
my heart goes out to you all,it’s so hard to negotiate.

That poor little mite
Thank goodness he has such a lovely grandmother looking out for him.

I feel heartbroken for your grandson😢 your daughter will never get this time with him back. He’s be better off adopted by a couple who really want to spend time with him.

What a non mum beach!!

I hope the nursery has loving and patient teachers. This child must be feeling very confused right now. He probably feels abandoned by everyone in his life. Most likely he will be expressing his insecurity in some way by the way he behaves. Probably with anger or sadness. I've witnessed this as a teacher and in my own family. His grandmother is exactly right about what care her grandson needs but is missing. My heart goes out to her and her precious grandson.

I see many people absent themselves from reality by constantly being on social media it can be an addiction and detracts from the ebb and flow of personal interaction it seems very normal because everyone is doing it
most “addicts ‘ will not stop until they are personally set to loose something they value more than the buzz of what they’re doing
I see many families eating their meals together while all on the internet adults and kids
how do they expect children to become socially functioning when they are not given an example of how to interact /concentrate on what’s happening in their environment
live in reality
I think in years to come social media will be like the new “tobacco”
and may come with a health warning
no doubt I will be slammed for my opinion -bring it on
people will go to any lengths to defend an addiction !

Aww my heart breaks for this little boy, this sounds so tough. At the same time, she’s a young single Mum who’s probably just exhausted and doing her best and is maybe, from the way you describe her behaviour quite depressed. I’m sure she loves her son but it’s impossible to be present when you’re really down. I hope she’s gets better soon.

Me too, utterly selfish cruel daughter, she is neglecting her child when he needs her most. Taking away the father and now the grandparents, l am sorry for you OP, l hope that she can see what she is doing to her DC.

your child - even as an adult - is still your child. show up for both child and grandchild and be supportive / address concerns together and look after her at her time of need

@Yellowpens - what a beautifully written, honest , vulnerable post. I found it quite emotional to read. Thank you for sharing I’m sure it will be very helpful for OP and for others who are judging her DD quite harshly. It can be quite difficult to put yourself in another persons shoes.

I’m so glad your son is part of your life even if it isn’t exactly how you’d like.

It sounds like she’s depressed to be honest.

I’ve been that mother. Actually, writing this makes me feel uncomfortable, but I can resonate with your daughter’s behaviour and wanted to share.

I was young, had an unplanned pregnancy, and was living with my parents. My family reputation was in tatters and nobody wanted anything to do with me in my family or the father’s family.

I put a lot of responsibility on to my parents in my son’s early life and I actually moved out at one point leaving him with my parents for a few months. Actually, if I recall, they refused to let me take him with me. They were right.

I was angry, resentful, bitter and felt so isolated at being left to care for a child on my own. Mostly anger. I was acting out and did not have the capability of regulating myself in any area of my life. Irresponsible and risky behaviour became my default when I needed to feel emotionally connected to something or someone. It was almost addictive and that behaviour is what distracted me from being the mother my son deserved.

I had no emotional support and it felt like nobody cared about me and the trauma I had also endured. Sadly, for my son, I had not bridged my own emotional state with my responsibility as a mother to him.

it cost him and me eventually. My son and I are not as close as I would like because his formative years were stabilised by his grandparents and not me - his parental bond was with them. I had unwittingly removed myself from his affection. I carry it with me every day and it is the biggest source of guilt I feel in life.

Fortunately he has grown into a lovely guy with his own family and I’m so proud of him, but I can’t really take credit for that. That credit goes to my parents. He’s in my life and he’s affectionate with me but there’s always a slight awkwardness I feel, me or him, I’m not sure.

Im telling you this because, if I had got counselling or the correct emotional support at the time, rather than constant criticism and demands from others, healing would have come to me sooner and my son would not have suffered. I’d have started to enjoy being a loving mother to my son so many years before I actually did. I needed somebody to tell me I needed help and to help me find that help. I found that help too late for my child, his abandonment issues were deep set.

At that time in my life counselling was not as widely available as it is now and you were just expected to get on with it. But, it’s widely available today and is something your daughter can access.

If I were you I’d try and have a conversation with your daughter reassuring her that you’re there to support them both and want to keep looking after your grandson. The wider family network is also important in supporting your daughter too.

I’d try to establish whether your daughter is open to additional emotional support. Ultimately your grandson needs her to get help so that she can be there for him. Try and schedule 1-1 time with her and see if she will open up to you about the relationship breakdown and how she feels about it.

You sound like wonderful grandparents and with a sensitive, practical approach I’m sure your family can get through this.

Good luck.

Tbf, if she feels over her relationship with her DH then I think it's fine that she has a bf, but she should really just be limiting to seeing him on her day off for herself for now when the child is with his dad.

P.s. however another poster did point out that it seems very soon to have a bf (particularly one she wants to see so often). With what we've heard of the DD on here from own mum, (& distraught GM) I wouldn't be at all surprised if the bf pre dated the marriage break up. If this is the case, it opens it's own can of worms.

she sounds incredibly selfish. She shouldn't have a boyfriend either, she should be putting her son first. In the current situation, suggest having him 3 days like before.

Poor, poor child.
And it goes without saying OP that YANBU. You sound like a lovely grandmother. Your daughter needs to step up as a parent and just get on with it.

This is what I was thinking. There’s not many part time jobs that allow you to afford childcare on days you don’t work. And if you are getting benefits- like UC- they won’t pay for you to put them on days you don’t work.

Op- it’s hard but let it play out. When he is sick or she realises she can’t afford this, she’ll be back. That’s when you have a heart to heart. She sounds depressed but at the end of the day, when you have a child, they come first.

Hi op,

she doesn’t want the judgment and the nursery will take her child no questions asked. She evidently doesn’t want to/can’t care for him at this time…poor babe.
it is tricky honestly.