Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

It sounds like she is young and perhaps depressed. Also, how does she intend to pay for nursery fees? That usually costs a fortune and if she works 3 days a week.....doubt that would cover all the fees. Sometimes fees eat up most of one parent's salary if they child is going full time. How would she afford full time nursery, living expenses on a part time job? Something does not add up. I think she is bluffing and trying to make you feel bad.

I would have a serious talk with her and tell her to get her act together for her sons sake. He is only young once. He needs to be put first. And it is her responsibility. If you are happy to help out, then she is lucky, but it should be done on your terms and not full time. As you said, he needs mummy time too.

As someone who has to pay this x2 i agree with this

Also agree with a lot of @Esperanza25 s post re understandibg the underlying problems but not this bit
I’d say you’re willing to continue as you are and possibly do nursery drop offs pick ups on the other days.
As its just enabling her further.

Its a difficult situation with no easy answers

I would be telling her how much you absolutely love him and want him around but that he misses HER. Do you really open up when you talk to her? Only because me and my mum have quite an 'arms length' relationship I do wonder if you've spoken about it really clearly.

Poor little boy.

Agree also with the PP that full time nursery might have just been said to scare/manipulate you. The only people I know with children in full time nursery are dual income full time working professionals and even they complain about how unaffordable it is. It’s incredibly expensive, even with the government funding top ups. It’s unlikely she’ll be able to afford it unless her income from those 3 days/week is very high.

Oh no, what a situation. What was her relationship with him before the split? If they had a close relationship before I’d think maybe she’s just struggling right now and maybe needs mental health support. As others have said, I think your best bet might be to talk to her in a supportive way and see what is going on. If she’s never been engaged it will be harder but I agree full time nursery sounds like a horrible idea when he’s got the option to continue spending time with you. Your relationship with him is even more important if he’s not feeling connected to his mum.

She’s bluffing and shows what a poor parent / how immature she is

She sounds like shes 17 not 27.
The last thing id be doing is running around after some bloke after splitting from my child's father.
That poor child. 💔

I'm going to give some harsh advice.

Let her.
Because she is doing this to scare you and put you back in your box. If you want her to improve your cant facilitate maintaining the status quo.

Also factually:

1. If she is working 3 days per week she is not going to easily be finding over 1.5k pm for nursery and fund outings with her new shag. (Because 15 free hours and tax free childcare dont sibsidise it all that much)
2. She is not going to be able to waltz into the nursery at 7.30 at night. She will have to pick him up at 6 on the dot latest and he'll get 90 mins plus with her.

Let her do this for a month or 2 and I really think she'll change her tune about it.
Also at 3 he might really enjoy nursery

Don't ask to be added to named trusted people / people who can collect him or she'll dump him there and expect you to collect too because you're desperate.

Is this change recent? Did she cheat on her sons dad?
Its all quite concerning... could the father do a bit more? Maybe a night in the week or sunday/ monday?

This?

That poor little boy. Keep advocating for him, because noone else is.

As has already been said, you are amazing grandparents and your grandson is so lucky to have you.
The question mark is over your daughter: is she depressed or has she always reacted badly when she doesn’t hear what she wants? That’s not a criticism of you btw, just trying to work out where her behaviour is coming from. If she’s struggling with her mental heath then she needs to seek help; if she’s besotted with her new boyfriend, then she needs reminding that her son needs her.
This is not the time for 5 full days in nursery. Yes, it’s fine in other circumstances, but your grandson is feeling abandoned already, so it’s not the right choice for him at this time imo. Can you speak to your grandson’s father at all? Do the other grandparents get involved much?
I’d say you’re willing to continue as you are and possibly do nursery drop offs pick ups on the other days.
I feel sorry for your grandson but thankfully you’re providing love and stability for him. I think it’s great that he’s communicating how he feels about the situation to you as well.

He’ll be fine in nursery he is nearly school age anyway. Your DD will soon change her mind and increase contact with you again. Plus when she gets the nursery bill she may well have a change of heart.

I would be positive and praise him about nursery and when you do get to see him make it extra special time.

My DC went to nursery from being babies. All grown up now. Aced school and college. Happy doing what they set out to do in University (doing a professional degree).

You sound amazing! It’s not uncommon for a lot of children in the year before reception (if he’s only just 3) to start nursery. She sounds so selfish. I see it all the time at work, parents split from one partner and then quickly get with someone new even if it doesn’t suit their young child.

What was she like before she had him?

How can she afford the £2000 a month that will cost?

He is very very lucky to have you.
i grew up in a similar environment, if it’s any consolation op. As a child I found other people to latch on to, a church amongst other things. Try snd introduce him to a wider community, so he feels well supported by many loving adults and learns to trust them.

Praise him and love him as much as you can. Tell him he is the most interesting little person you have ever met. As he he gets older he can develop sports, friendships and other layers of support and care, he is very young now, but he won’t always be.

He will need therapy at some point to process why his mother didn’t love him enough, and was emotionally unavailable to him throughout his childhood. It’s possible he will come through this will, because he does have so much love and support from you and his grandfather. You are his salvation op. Don’t underestimate the difference you can make.

Maybe see if you can ask her out for a coffee together..if she agrees say you are happy for 2 to 3 days and rest at nursery. You may have to eat humble pie but worth it for DGC sake. She may be still upset from the break up.and finding it hard to cope

Your daughter is emotionally neglecting her child, she has totally checked out. Was she always like this? Is she looking after him properly at home? It is devastating witnessing such neglect op. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would be checking that she is actually cooking meals, washing his clothes, has bed sheets etc. This sounds like neglect to me. I hope I am wrong but it may be the tip of the iceberg.

She is ultimately blackmailing you, if you complain about her lack of engagement she will cut him out altogether. I would reiterate that you are happy to look after him 3,days a week, I would not be helping her financially and stand back and see what happens. The cost might change her mind.

It might be the only way she can cope if she is quietly depressed op. Your options also include offering to look after him full time. Allowing her to continue with the nursery and fuss him as much as you can when you see him.

She is doing irreparable harm to him, your love and attention will be mitigating that, he will come to see you as his main care givers soon. Start with a heart to heart about her well being and mental health op.

Lots of kids are in nursery full time, so my bigger concern is with your daughter, and that she sounds depressed and not coping as it seems like she hasn't always been like this. I think she needs help from the GP.

I would be telling her to take some responsibility for the child she decided to have, she is acting like a child having a tantrum and she needs to act her age and parent

The poor child

The mother doesn't sound like she is doing any of it though does she?

is she depressed so you think? or just besotted with the new BF? She is acting like a spoiled brat. I agree with a PP!

How does she even afford full time nursery as a lone parent with a part time job? Something doesn't add up!

Being a single parent is hard end having to juggle everything is difficult.

encourage her to spend one day with him and see if she will reverse the nursery

This has made me awfully awfully sad. Parenting is such hard work and exhausting and my little boy (4) drives me crackers at time but I cannot understand the abandonment at all.

If this was my daughter I would be tempted to give it to her straight but I do not think it will achieve anything.

I know its hard for you beinga GP and having to very unfairly do a lot of graft, but if you can grovel to get him back so at least he has some love from you. At the same time you need to try and help your daughter. Can the dad me more involved? Can your daughter have therapy/ counselling? Does she have undiagnosed PND? You catch more with sugar than a stick but if none of these things help/ apply i am not sure what your options are. 27 is not too young to not be handling the responsibilities of motherhood well.

You have every reason (sadly) to be concerned, you’re a great grandparent.

I don’t know how she’s going to afford nursery, that’s a big amount of money.

I would try to negotiate two/three days with you, but that still means the little lad is not being parented by her.

Keep close, he’s going to need you.

Not sure what else I can say.

I’m truly very sorry.
If I were you, I’d apologise profusely and get that little boy back to your house.
He’ll be with you and that’s the best for him - given the circumstances.
I spent my childhood with my grandparents and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Your daughter will come around - some arsehole just dumped her and that’s devastating. Give her awhile to regroup.
Being raised by two generations of parents is a pretty amazing experience when you think about it. Your grandson is very fortunate.
Sending love from California. ❤️

Such a sad post. You are quite right to be concerned about the situation. You very much sound a force for good in that little boy’s life, he absolutely needs you, so work on building bridges with his mum, for that reason alone. If the new BF is coming on the scene more and potentially spending time at your daughter’s home, GS will need you more than ever for reassurance.
Sorry, but your daughter is looking really bad in all this.