Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

Your Daughter is a piece of work. Whatever influence you can wield to get back in his life, do it and give him all the love you can.

Your daughter is probably depressed from the situation

talk to her

your grandson needs you more than ever.
dont let him go to nursery 50 hours.
he needs his mum and you all the most.

i would try and find out what is going on for granddaughter
i hope she comes out of this and really sees how it is affecting her son.

so sorry for her little boy

I don’t understand how she’s able to afford nursery full time whilst working part time, even with funded hours… maybe once the nursery bills come in she might change her mind. She’s checked out of parenting, spending all her time on tinder/finding a new bf and clearly very depressed. There will be a new man on the scene in the next few months, I almost guarantee it as I’ve seen this very scenario before.
Can’t you ask her to put him in nursery two days and you have him three days? Some nursery might be good for him (at his age it’s more like pre-school) but he definitely needs a stable relationship in his life at this difficult time.

For those suggesting depression, she seems to have the energy and wherewithal to pour into a relationship with a new man...just nothing for her little boy.
It's noticeable that she has already thrown the 'you don't want me to have a life' speech at the GP (is she 13?), basically she is doing what many men do and moving on from her old life including ditching any family baggage. It's rare for mums to do this but not unheard of.
IMHO she needs to grow up rapidly and parent her son instead of chasing his father's replacement.

Poor child at the middle of all this. It sounds like you are doing a great job. Shame on both his parents. Why can’t they have him half the week each and that might help? It seems unfair that your DD gets 6 days and dad just one. Also - a new boyfriend so quickly? Does he know about her son? Another massive red flag there! As a PP said, take him in yourself or SS. It’s clear he’s unwanted by his parents. So very sad.

This isnt a fair summary.

criticising her for finding childcare when you have made it clear that you don’t want to do it.

They dont think its in their GCs best interest to facilitate her emotional neglect of her child.

They were providing an exceptionally generous 3 days per week. So she has ZERO childcare costs, ZERO need to scramble for care if her child is sick and ZERO concerns about who she is leaving them with.
This wasn't enough for her so now she is trying to scare them into capitulating to her unreasonable demands

Agree she might be struggling but she's making poor choices and has a responsibility to her son which she is shirking

Edit dont know why zero is capitalised.
Also agree she is struggling and I would be having a conversation about that but support and enable mental are different. you cant just opt out of parenting.

This doesn’t meet the threshold for neglect so there’s no point in reporting it

yes, you’re a better person to look after him but that’s not going to happen

your daughter is selfish and clearly just wants to have fun with the boyfriend

all you can hope for is she can’t afford nursery but I don’t think you should be begging or talking to her, she’s just trying to manipulate you

she will eventually allow you to see him again out of term time or at weekends when she wants to be with the boyfriend

the further you step back and pretend you don’t judge what she’s doing the quicker she will start to use you again

Reading your post I do feel very sad for the little boy but I also have to remember that your daughter might write a different angle - that when she comes to collect after a day at work - she gets nagged and judged for being on her phone. Now - I fully agree the staring at phones while caring for young children is a sickness of our society - but shame and judgement can be corrosive.

It's also true lots of kids go to full time nursery and are absolutely fine with it - especially by his age.

I think you may need a real heart to heart chat with your own daughter - perhaps you need to come towards her a little and apologise for some of the jdugement..?

I'm sorry, she has a child - she doesn't get the luxury of her precious feelings being coddled any more. She needs to grow up and parent her child, not act like a spoilt madam and threaten to put him in DC because OP tried to put some boundaries in place.

I am going to go against the tide here.
I think your daughter has been struggling with rhe break up and facing life as a single mum, shes come to rely on you and your husband as surrogate parents, subconciously or conciously she is letting you do as much as possible because she sees you doing it with ease, theres two of you and shes tired.
I think nursery is a good idea, plenty of kids go to full time nursery.
Becuase she will learn to parent without your support. She will not be able to think, the child is well loved at grandparents and I am redundant here. She will have to step up.
I think its probably time she stands on her own feet, sorts her childcare out herself and makes her own life with her son with you as grandparents in a grandparent role.

I think in this position I would offer to take the child permanently rather than allow this - but I do realise how hard that is.

It sounds like your daughter is having a breakdown of some sort - if she is your child and you raised her I presume somewhere in there she is a kind parent - perhaps she couldn't cope and was struggling to connect - post natal depression?

YANBU about not wanting to do 6 days childcare per week. YABU describing nursery as torture or criticising her for finding childcare when you have made it clear that you don’t want to do it.

It doesn’t come across like you like your daughter very much. It’s obvious she’s struggling and needs love and kindness rather than judgement.

Were you ever a single parent to a toddler having to balance full time work and bringing up a child, being the breadwinner and keeping a roof over your head? It sounds like you don’t understand how hard things are for her. Start by nurturing your own daughter, offer kindness and support, so she has something to offer her child.

That was a very sad read indeed. That poor little boy. You sound like a wonderful grandma btw, at least he has you.
How was your daughter as a mum before she split with the dad? Maybe she is extremely depressed?
You're not being unreasonable. I think a heart to heart, saying exactly what you have said here is needed. She won't like it, but needs to hear it.

you weren’t childcare you were an opportunity for your DD to check out of parenting her child. She’s using the threat of nursery as a weapon so you STFU thus manipulating you into not challenging her piss poor parenting. I doubt she’s serious because she doesn’t sound the type who would cope with the inconvenience and costs.

It’s time to have an honest chat with your daughter. Tell her you love and will continue to support her but supporting her, doesn’t include standing by and watching her ignore her child and being manipulated by her threats. Young children demand a lot of time and becoming a single parent is tough but it is what it is.

I am sorry to be brutal (& I am a grandparent) but I think your daughter is going to have to be written off as any sort of mother to your DGS.

So, either you have to bring him up as if he were your own child or get Social Services involved.

Sorry, but that is how I see it.

That would be my immediate instinct if health permitted but 6 days a week is a bit much and a huge commitment for the grandparents and they will be under the thumb of their daughter who could withdraw contact at any time If they don't do as she pleases.

If the poor little boy is sent off to nursery instead he will end up pining for the grandparents as well as his Mum and Dad. They seem to be the only reliable consistent people in his life at the moment so they have a hard decision to make.

What an awful situation all round. Sad for everyone.

One thing missing from this post is blame towards the dad too. It’s incredibly hard to find your feet again when you become a single parent.

This is really sad to read. You and your husband are doing a wonderful job with your grandson. I had a colleague who was similar to this when she split up with the father of her son. Her concerns were that she had no ‘me time’ and that she was only a mother from now on. Started leaving her child at nursery when she could have picked him up and leaving them at her parents. It took about 9 months to settle into her new life and she started to enjoy being a mum again. Part of it is probably mourning the life she thought she had with the father of son and now coming to terms with being a single mum. But as mums we just have to suck it up, the child needs to come first.

Maybe your could both try and do more weekend activities together, now that the weather is better. Picnics in the park, or even in the garden. Joining Facebook groups which post local activities for little ones - I’ve found so many things in the surrounding areas that I didn’t know where there. I appreciate you’re already doing more than enough with the 3 days a week childcare. But it might help her get into more of a happy routine on the weekends? You could then try and wind it down a bit once she’s back on track? Wishing you all the best, I hope things improve for you all.

My first thought was maybe depressed, but then you said about a new boyfriend so now I think she's just selfish..

I'd be surprised if she can afford full time nursery, being generous in costs that's at least £50 a day (probably more) so where will she suddenly find £1000+ a month?

It's hard, but you need to let it play out. Best case scenario, she is bluffing, you get time with your grandson again and can set out ground rules. Worst case, he goes to nursery and benefits from socialising with children and getting proactive learning and stimulation. Lots of kids do nursery for those hours, he won't "suffer" but there will be an adjustment for sure.

Meanwhile, mum might eventually come to her senses..

You need to get blunt and firm with her and if you can you need to explain to the child's father what's going on and get blunt and firm with him too. They made this child and they're neglecting him. The only thing that's going to protect him from significant adverse childhood experiences is for them to stop being so damned selfish and put the time and effort into the child that they decided to create. It's lovely that he has you and you're going to be a massive protective factor but they need to step up as well. Personally I'd encourage nursery for a couple of days a week as well. He's the right age for it to start preparing him for school and they are an impartial professional body who will raise any serious isues with the parents or social services if needed. Please advocate for this poor child. Your dd might be struggling but he's the only one without a voice.

I might be wrong but I think UC only help with childcare costs if it’s for during the time you're working. I also heard you now need to work 30 hours or earn a certain amount once the child turns 3. If she doesn’t earn the threshold, they may make her work more if she now has full time childcare.
She should be entitled to the 30 hours though if she puts him in a school nursery.

It will still be a big chunk and it's term time only...!

She needs to grow up. I’m the same age as her and a single parent with 2 under 4 (youngest with me full time). How is she going to afford 50 hours childcare a week? Could she not put him into a 30 hour school nursery? Then at least she would get a little break on her days off.

Ideally the dad should be having your dgs at least Saturday and Sunday but from experience, she can’t force him to.

If he refuses, could you maybe propose you would have dgs overnight maybe once or twice a month on a weekend (given he sleeps through)? Of course, it’s at your discretion. The last time I had a childfree night was when I had my c-section 14 months ago.

Everyone asking how she can afford it, 3yrs olds get 30hrs funded don’t they now? And if she is a single parent working part time she will qualify for universal credit. Poor child though, sounds like mum has other priorities. I think you need to have an honest conversation with her, she is neglecting her child and it is having a big impact on him. Tell her you’re not judging her, and want to help, as it’s her boy who is suffering right now and putting him in full time nursery when she’s got a couple of days off is a bit mean. Clearly she values time to herself over spending it with her child. I was a single parent for years so I get it’s not easy, but my DC were always my priority.

I would suspect a new man on the scene. I agree with pp, that’s a lot of money for childcare if not needed, so that’s odd or a bluff. Difficult conversation is needed, she’s pulled away anyway so can’t see much more harm, clearly a punishment. Where is the father in this scenario. Why they split might give you a clue