Wedding invitations for distant relatives

Honestly OP you’ve made the right decision. We didn’t invite DH’s aunt and uncle because in the 8 years of our relationship prior to the wedding they’d barely acknowledged me, or him, for that matter and I’d met them once. It might have been the living in sin, who knows. 😁 Once we had children we regularly got Xmas cards and we get on fine when we see them now! So stick to your guns.

I had around 100 guests at my wedding. A lot of family I haven't seen now in twenty years.

In the last ten years my kids haven't even meet some of dhs family. One of the uncles is a godparent and either been in bad mood when we visit or too busy for us to pop in.

I'm never going to force my kids to invite them to any possible future weddings. I'd rather they save their money.

It is only three extra guests, Op.
Invite them to part of the wedding.

Would your Mum help out financially?

I have literally just realised we did the same thing! (Married 8 years!)

We invited all aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides. But one of my uncles (who I never see except at weddings and funerals) has three adult step children. I’ve literally never met the elder two as they were estranged from their mum for some years and only met the youngest maybe 3 times and at the point I got married I hadn’t seen her in at least ten years. (And havent seen her since)

Im assuming they weren’t offended as nothing was ever said .

As a compromise you could invite them to the evening do?

I would invite them.

My stepbrother didn’t invite me to his wedding. I didn’t care!

Tell your mum that they can come - but it'll be instead of her

Just invite them for an easy life.

Weddings are stressful enough without the fallout that this sort of thing brings.

That's fair enough I think,

I think the real issue here is your mum. SHE is worried about the optics, and how it reflects on her. I would just tell your mum that if anyone has an issue with the invitations and discusses it with her, she is to say she had nothing to do with the invites, it’s all been down to the bride and groom. And if Amy and Carl have a problem they are welcome to speak to you directly (which they are very unlikely to do).

We had this exact situation. We didn't invite loads of distant family members and cousins, even some aunts and uncles, as it just wasn't feasible in terms of cost and numbers. My in laws had a similarly uppity response about it looking bad, but we just reminded them it was our wedding and up to us who we invited. It all worked out in the end and no one seems to have held a grudge.

Context is EVERYTHING!

If the step child has been brought up by the step mother /father for a whack of their childhood and have a close relationship in adulthood... Yes!!

However, I have a close pal who has adult step son that she's barely met... Got together when the adult child was working in America... Adult child returned for wedding...and then returned to settle and marry. Her husband facetimes them where they've setllied in America.... No way should they expect an invite from a step cousin that they've never met!! That's insane...

Any adult that gets the hump on their behalf really is a bit short of thinking!

These aren't small children who live in the family home with OP's cousin (who didn't even invite OP to his full wedding, only the evening do). These 'children' were grown up and living independently when their mum married OP's cousin. OP hardly knows them.

The posts where the mum is upset about their older DCs being excluded from weddings have been completely different. These excluded children were still in their teens and living at home, they were toddlers when their step-dad married their mum and had no contact with their birth father and his family. They considered the OP's DH to be their dad. It was a scenario where one child in a nuclear family was excluded. OP's situation is not the same.

It really isn't hard to understand. It's more confusing you don't understand. I have one cousin who has children in her mid 20s. She could easily become a grandparent soon. My own mum isn't about to cark it any time soon!

Your mum is being ridiculous. If you were only invited to your cousin's evening do and you are inviting him and his wife to the whole wedding, you are being very generous. Unless your mum is paying for everything, she doesn't really get a say. Surely your cousin's grown up step-children, who have never actually lived with your cousin as they had already left home, wouldn't even expect to be invited?

@JemimaPiddlepot Ignore everyone saying you need to invite adults you don't even know just because their mother is married to your cousin.

They probably wouldn't even thank you for inviting them if it's going to set a precedent that they need to invite you and any siblings you have to their weddings.

I didn't even invite my cousins' boyfriends and girlfriends on the grounds that they would all be there with their parents and siblings and they really didn't need plus ones. Your cousin will be there with his wife and his child that you are actually related to and know well. That's enough.

Your Mum is being ridiculous, OP. It's understandable that if you have a large extended family that a line has to be drawn somewhere. We decided to limit invites to our wedding to grandparents, parents, siblings and their partners/children, then friends. It was great and I can highly recommend it.

That's a great idea! Gives them something to focus on 😂

Stand firm OP. Presumably there isn’t an infinite budget or infinite space for this event. Your decision is reasonable.