To think life is a lot easier & more relaxed if there’s one Sahp?

What has put me off the idea of ever encouraging my DD to be a SAHM are the number of threats on Mumsnet from women in abusive relationships who feel they can’t leave due to being financially dependent. They feel trapped and see no way out.

I have seen relationships where having a SAHP has worked but many more where this leads to an imbalance of power in the relationship. Overall I just feel it makes women too vulnerable. I’ve spent a lot of time talking this through with friends recently due to a situation that one of them is in and the overwhelming feeling about how to never get trapped in an abusive relationship as a woman is to not become a SAHM mum unless you have an established career you can pick up again at short notice.

And this is not about not trusting your partner. NOBODY knows what the future of their relationship will look like. Yes, some have red flags early on but many don’t. And women who think their partners would never cheat or don’t have the potential to become abusive are naive and don’t understand how abuse works.

It works for my DH and me. His job is irregular and takes him away 2 nights a week. He also likes to sleep until 8:40 which he can because I'm a natural early waker and tend to our two DS who are now in secondary so it's much easier than it used to be. He knows he can always go out in the evening whenever he wants to see a friend/football game or cinema because I'm home. One DS is autistic and can't be left alone. Personally I prefer working out and reading as hobbies while he's the social butterfly so it works for us. If I were to work we would divorce because he wouldn't do his part of house chores and has never even looked at our DS homework. I have put lot of effort in helping DS1 advance because he's got a learning disability and even home schooled him for 2 years when he was too anxious to go to school. My number one is my children's wellbeing and I'm happy to be able to concentrate on that while DH works.

I am a kind of SAHP which is a position I found myself in when I had to leave
my job on health grounds a few years ago.

Up until then I had worked for 23 years although I had dropped down to part time hours when I’d had my second child (down to 30 hours) which was 7 years ago.

Since leaving work I have retrained so that I’m now in a role that I work on a self-employed basis which I do a few days a week when the children are at school.

The wage I earn now is about 40-50% of what I used to earn when I had a standard 30 hour job outside the home, so our lifestyle has had to change a lot, but the drop in pay has definitely been worth it.

Our house runs so much more smoothly now, there is no rushing about, the children spend more time at home with us (we had to use wrap around care before) and we are generally just a happier and less stressed and tired family.

Being a SAHP was nothing I had envisaged in my parenting journey, and although my ill health forced me into this new role it has actually turned out to be better for all of us.

I think a full time sahp is not efficient once children are in school. modern technology means you simply do not need the 30 or so hours a week that children are in school to "run the home"

Most of the sahp of school aged DC i know have a lot of leisure time or create jobs to keep themselves busy. Eg

• getting a dog that they then need to spend hours walking
• a constant home/garden refurbishments that do not actually need doing
• a hobby business that doesn't really make any money
• insane volumes of cleaning & washing

It would only be easier if

you had enough independent money behind you
and
tou don’t work effectively as a team on household chores
And
the working partner has a stress free ultra safe job
and
you can find mental and social stimulation suffiecjent to your needs

however for many people the stress of housework and shopping isn’t that great - clean the house in half an hour between us on a Friday evening ( everyone was basically housetrained so it wouldn’t get that bad. Housetraining you kids is actually a good thing )

we needed 2 salaries or we would have had to make hard choices - and hard money choices are one of the biggest causes of marital stress ( and our holidays were usually camping so not a lot of slack )

when my husbands job became pants we could let him take a package and look for something else ( short term belt tightening isn’t anything like long term ) - he wasn’t forced to stay in a job he hated

the children learned some independence and resilience ( and home skills ) that is sorely lacking in their generation

and I had my own life once they were grown

my brain needs stimulation which chikdcare never gave it and I could not talk nappy brands for hours like the mums groups seemed to do

the only caveat I will give is that I had a flexible role and employer so the odd hour off for a family thing could easily be paid back - two people working 9 to 5 with a big commute and limited holidays and no flexibility may well find that a different life is necessary

so each to their own/ sone people it works well for - others it’s a disaster

getting fed up of threads promoting one lifestyle as the answer for everyone - diversity is wonderful. being glad that your choices worked for you is great, thinking they will therefore be best for everyone is stupid

Easier, yes. Better, not necessarily.

So well said!!! 🙌

‘Better’ is subjective. Neither my husband or I would like to be a SAHP, so we’d end up pretty miserable. A nanny and a housekeeper on the other hand - yes.

Mind you the house is a bit of a mess at the moment

No, I'm not more relaxed as a sahp! much prefer to share the load.

I work 4 days /32 hours though - that is a great help. Wfh 2 days a week - this also helps as no commute.
Dh is often flexible in his work so there to sort the mornings (bring dc to the bus etc).

Yes, one person doing the home work makes life easier. But the long term cost to the carer can be high (pension, self development etc) and also not everyone wants to do it. So no hard and fast best thing to do.

As my username suggests I was a long term sahm. I became one due to ill health so stopped working the part time hours I was and Dc1 was a toddler. It wasn't something I chose, Dh and I were unsure as to how long I would be out of work and I could literally walk back into the job I had because it wasn't some cutting edge career, it was an office job.

Dc2 came along and I stayed home and they are now at university. My health has improved but not to the extent that I could work, even part time. Dh and I both acknowledge that. Dh has been able to progress his career but he was always home for family dinner and if he needed to do more work he could in the evening. He worked for a family oriented business, very flexible so you can take time out to attend sports days and swimming galas.

Dh was hands on from day one with the children. He pulled his weight with household stuff, never came home and shirked responsibility. I am very organised by nature, love lists, spreadsheets and the house ran very smoothly. All housework was done in school hours so I was always available for anything the children needed, no need to finish the laundry etc because it was done and Dh could come home and do nothing for the house, just spend time with the children, eat dinner as a family, bath and bedtime routine and then sit down, there is nothing to do.

It worked for us because I loved doing it, but I can totally understand how for a lot of people they would be bored shit less or worried about rejoining the workforce and possibly damaging their chance at progression. I am glad that as time has gone on there are audio books and podcasts to listen to whilst getting household stuff done and you can rewind radio if you missed something. Streaming and on demand tv makes it bearable. It also worked on the financial side, Dh earned good money, I had my own car, access to all finances, we had great holidays, it never felt like I was struggling or suffering.

This is stupid capitalism-ass-kissing bullshit. Oh no, earnings losses - so what, if the family are earning enough? What do you need, a gold plated toilet? The SAHP isn't living like a child, they're living like an adult who is being financially supported by another.

The only reason for the above attitude is absolute jealously - because someone cannot imagine having a partner they trust enough to be able to rely on them, because they're too insecure in themselves that they need a full time "career" (read: time-waste) to feel worthwhile, or whatever else. Total jealously - because not having to go to work is amazing. Not being part of the rat race is fucking glorious. Why do you NEED to be ordered around like a slave by a stranger to feel useful?

I don't know why we pretend that working your ass off every day to make a stranger rich is a good thing to aspire to (well, I do, because that's how we're told to feel) ... Much more fulfilling to spend your time working for your family, and much nicer to actually do.

Ftr, I'm childfree and working, so no skin in this game. I just think bashing SAHP is stupid. Why wouldn't they choose that, if they can? I'd not work if I could afford it too. So more power to them, be there for your kids, it's wonderful.

I used to think it makes life easier, but MN has made me rethink...

There are so many SAHP who seem to struggle with the children/housework/husband that it seems hardly worth it.

There often seems to be the most baffling expectations of who does what and partners are in conflict around the role of each parent.

You can scarcely rely on the other parent not to get bored/fed up or otherwise and just take off, leaving the other in a quandary.

What should make life smoother can cause so many problems, it's hard to tell now.

I personally think it should be illegal to work more than three days a week. Everyone would be more relaxed, happier, healthier and have more time for family, friends and things that bring them joy.

Come the revolution!

Thank you for saying this.

I couldn't really put my finger on what it is about the phrase "rushing around" that I dislike.

Funnily enough, it's my non working day when I feel like I need to rush - I find it quite stressful having to pick up from school on the dot of 3:15. After school club is open till 6:30 so I have loads of time those days

I can’t work due to my ASD and I can see how it is ideal to have one parent at home. If I wasn’t autistic I think we would both work part time

I get your point but people have to be able to afford one of them staying at home for years. Two salaries makes life easier in many ways, even if one is part time. I always worked part time when mine was small (two or three days), and managed quite well, the money made a tremendous difference which is not to be discounted.

Me and DH are both PT and we're still frazzled but definitely not as frazzled as we would be if we weee both FT.

The downside is because we're both PT we have a lot less money and can't buy in help like a cleaner or childcare when we don't need it for work. We also have professional jobs and while they are supposed to be PT we both end up keeping on top of things on our days off.

It IS nice because we both get more time with the kids, the kids only need two days childcare a week, neither of us are taking a big career break etc. I wouldn't change it but it's defo not easy. We often talk about how it would be easier (not financially but logistically) of one of us worked and one of us was a SAHP.

We were both SAHPs by the time no 2 came along and it was brilliant, both being able to go to school events and do the school run together. It works well for us even now that they are teenagers, especially as their schools are in different directions and it takes about 45 mins to drive them there. But it won't work if it would cause a hiatus in your career, or if you can't afford to do it. There's never a one-size-fits-all to it.

I gave up work when our first child was born (now 25 and 20). We had no offer of childcare from parents as they were already looking after siblings children. My job was highly stressful and badly paid and I hated it. I would have been working to simply pay nursery fees. My DH had a very well paid job so me becoming a SAHP was the best decision for us and it has been wonderful.
DHs salary has afforded us a lovely lifestyle and I have always been around to do school and house stuff. They had a lovely upbringing and played sport at a high level growing up, something we couldn’t have managed to get them to with two of us working.
I always see here that it is very much frowned upon to give up work to support your husband and raise your children but honestly it was the perfect decision for us as a family. DH will take retirement in the next few years and we plan to travel the world.

I finish at 2.30 a few days a week to do the school run and those days are so much easier, there is time to cook dinner, it's not bedtime before you've even sat down etc.

And yes getting everyone out the door in the morning is frazzling especially with toddlers!

But I also like being able to afford holidays so we are where we are 😅

Best model for us was both parents going part time. It meant we were both still earning and kept the responsibility for home and childcare equal.

It may be technically more efficient to have one person at home. But it’s only for a few years and it comes at the cost of one person’s financial agency (and often also their mental health).

So not a worthwhile trade off in my opinion. But each to their own.