To think life is a lot easier & more relaxed if there’s one Sahp?

That isn't how true partnership works though is it? If a family decide that it will work better for them as a unit that one parent is a SAHP then it really isn't how you describe.

@BoredZelda this is such a great post. Completely agree.

Work is much more than making money. I love that it keeps my mind sharp and gives me a front seat into a wider world outside of the domestic sphere. There are external standards and expectations. Change is the only constant in my line of work. Managing people forces me to think about things from their perspective.

Sure I do all that when managing my household and parenting, but work is a whole new and challenging sphere of influence. I take pride in my work achievements and learn from failures.

My youngest is now doing his A levels. He will leave the house in September. We are fully funding his uni fees and expenses as we did for dd. They will graduate with no debt and with a house deposit. Yeah, my working also pays for that. It also helps with careers advice.

I am looking forward to my time with the dcs out of the house. I have planned many projects at home and some work projects will start to bear fruit. Thus DCs leaving the house will be nice segue into stepping up into my other world rather than a 'retirement' from parenting/domestic at a relatively young age.

I asked ds whether he would prefer a wife/partner who is a SAHM or not. He is quite consistent in wanting a partner in paid employment. I am not sure whether he is saying it to please me but he has seen his other friends who have SAHM mothers and presume he made his mind up from a wider perspective.

Life may be 'easier' or simpler if one parent were the SAHP (assuming it is a free choice to SAHP) whilst the dcs were growing up, but IMO it is a somewhat shortsighted approach. Life is long and there are worlds outside of the relatively brief high intensity parenting years which are engaging and fulfilling.

I don't understand the trope that WOHPs are envious of SAHPs. If anything, once the dcs are adults, I am inclined to think it is the other way round, if anyone is envious of anyone.

@JLou08

I think there are a few big things you're missing

1. Different people find different things stressful - I don't find booking my kids into a holiday club anything like as stressful as entertaining them for a week. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy spending time with them but I would much rather take 5 mins and book a holiday club than have six solid weeks with them in the summer. I would also infinitely rather pay people to do cleaning/DIY than have the time to do it myself.

2. Yes working and being a parent involves some diarising. But TBH it's really not that much on top of what I have always done for my job, I don't find it especially difficult.

3. You set up your life around your choices. Just one example - I haven't been to a supermarket to do a big shop in decades. I meal plan and get online deliveries twice a week - I do the meal planning/ordering on the train to work.

I probably would find it easier if DH was a SAHD but I wouldn't be more relaxed as a SAHM - because it would basically mean lots of my time had been freed up to do things I didn't enjoy in the first place.

Not really; it’s pretty pressured and chaotic, it’s a constant juggle. Dh leaves at 6am so I get the kids up and out and start late , my job can have evening meetings ,and if you take some responsible parent jobs like everyone does… so we are both committee members, I am team manager for 2 basketball teams (my kids play in 3) , if I tally the sports sessions up I think it’s 12 sessions a week, we need to cook and clean too…

I hear you and yes you have managed incredibly well to retain your career with a severly disabled child, it's incredibly difficult to do as well as retsin your sanity and your marriage.

I know when he transitions for social care because of the level of his need and the costs to pay someone to do it instead of me the LA would push for him to go into residential care if I was working. That's not a battle I want go risk losing at this moment and when the time comes it will be with our choices and under our control. As an aside one of things that hasn't been mentioned as far as I can see is the guilt or lack of it through our choices. If I could have a do over I would still choose to be at home as I highly doubt my son would be better off with me working and I couldn't live with that. I recognise that I can make this choice and some people don't have a choice, they either have to work or don't have the choice and have to give up.

Yes it is a very flawed system which I think is only going to get worse. No parent of a disabled child should be forced to work or give up their work because of their child's disability.

However the working parent gets guaranteed annual leave while the reality for the sahp is that they don’t ever get full time off as even when the working parent is there they are still most likely taking the burden of everything

I have done it all, worked full time with children in childcare of one form or another, worked part time, been a sahp and worked full time with DH as a sahp.
If you can afford it then having a sahp is much easier day to day. You don't really feel the real benefit though until something out of the ordinary happens then the inbuilt flexibility is invaluable. There was no trying to juggle annual leave to cover illness or emergency. We were also able to take advantage of any opportunities the children had as we could take them places on short notice.
The downside of the sahp was only (in our house) felt by us parents (boredom and isolation) as we were lucky enough to be able to live on one salary so the children never had to do without anything they needed. There was less disposable income but the difference is less than you would think between the cost of childcare and the cost of working (travel, clothes and things you buy to make life easier).

Of course it's more relaxed. I don't know why people try to pretend otherwise. Supermarkets at the weekends are hell. Having to take time off work for children's illness and/or appointments is stressful when working. Trying to organise diaries for school plays/parents evening/play dates/parties can be tricky. At my DCs primary they did a star of the week assembly on Monday mornings but didn't announce who was star of the week until the Friday afternoon.
Organising school holiday childcare can be difficult. With a SAHP it's covered and the working parents annual leave can be used for family time, family holidays and splitting of some down time for each parent. Otherwise it can end up being both parents having opposite time off to cover childcare.
Big jobs like decorating and DIY can be done much easier. Taking cars for MOTs can be done by SAHP so the worker doesn't need to take time off. The bulk of housework can be done during the day so there's chance for quality family time in the evening.
I found I spent a lot less when a SAHP too because I had time to shop around and prepare for things in advance and there wasn't need for convenience buying.

Being a sahp is often not a choice for the sahp as with the soaring costs of childcare there is no financial benefit to one of the parents only working to pay for childcare. We were in this position so I stayed at home until the youngest was well through primary school and then went back to work. By that stage they needed less of my time and my husband had set up his own business and worked from home so between us someone was always available for school pickups etc. I work two hours a day once the kids are at school and three night shifts from 10pm to 8am which is perfect as father is there and I don’t leave til they are all in bed and am back for the morning get to school rush! I kept up my NI contributions though all the time I stayed at home and think this is vital. I also did a few other bits and pieces to make extra money if we needed it. I wouldn’t change the time I had at home even if it meant no flash clothes, cars or foreign holidays - before I gave up work I worked out that with travel, childcare etc I was actually making about £1.50 an hour! For us it worked and works now with me having a great job with great hours. Every family is different and had different dynamics and it’s not always easier to have one sahp but sometimes it is. Each to their own. My advice would be to spend time looking at all your options and taking it from there but both parents need to be on board and shit like the working parent overseeing all spending and telling the sahp what to do will not work. You need to be on the same page.

Yours is a very different situation. Having time to yourself when you are raising a disabled child is vital. That respite is what enables you to be on call for your disabled child when they are home. Being able to dedicate time to the admin that’s required, not being reliant on the good will of an employer so you can attend meetings, appointments and the like makes things a whole lot easier. I spoke to the OT when my daughter was a toddler about how we manage all of this and also work full time. She said we were pretty much the only case she had where both parents worked. She assumed I’d stop working eventually because most people do.

I didn’t, we managed between us, and my daughter still got everything she needs. That part of it hasn’t been easy, but we found our footing and what worked early on. Whilst I get your comment about how you have a well written EHCP and school etc, I would say to other parents with disabled children that can be possible to do both, there are services available to help with these things, but also, it is very much a postcode lottery. I see parents in other areas near me who have done pretty much the same as I did but have had a much harder time getting things sorted for their children.

It may well be almost a necessity to have a SAHP in our situations, but what a fucking world that it is that way. They make it incredibly difficult for parents, who have to fight for every little thing, forcing them to give up work, then pay a pittance in carers allowance.

I can't imagine how terrible a sahp you'd have to be for it not to make life smoother and less stressful overall for the children and the working parent.

I find i'm a much better parent working part time so I guess that makes me a terrible SAHP 😆

I’ve never been in a SAHP situation but I don’t think it’s hard to work and run a home so I never really get the drama tbh.

I was talking to someone the other day and she’s not worked since her 16 year old was born. They are wealthy but I was horrified when she said he’d maxed his pension but she didn’t have one. That is not a world in which I’d want to live!

I can't imagine how terrible a sahp you'd have to be for it not to make life smoother and less stressful overall for the children and the working parent.

I think that what makes parenting easy (or as easy as it ever can be!) is to have two parents who are on the same page, and can basically understand and empathise with what the other parent is experiencing.

Personally, I found that a situation where both I and my husband worked part time when kids were young achieved this. We both had to balance work and childcare and so could understand the challenges each other were facing.

I think it also stopped any simplistic ‘you have it easier that me’ thoughts, as we both knew well that some days at work are tough, some days with the kids are tough etc. And that one of us didn’t have it easier than the other.

For some couples a split where one focuses on paid work and the other focuses on childcare might work. But I think there is a real danger of each parent getting so caught up in their own sphere (and convincing themselves that they have the more difficult life) that it prevents empathy and them working as a team.

@dontcomeatme good luck!

Senior lecturers don't earn that now, either

My mother in the 80’s resented staying at home, and wanted to go back to work desperately.
In my own relationship it worked better financially for the higher earner to make as much money as possible while the other stayed at home. I was happy and fulfilled doing so.
Now we both are in a position to work part time, but the kids are adults.

Mostly, it’s a moot point. Everyone has bills to pay that often one income won’t cover. There’s really little choice other than the hypothetical.

@footpaththat's amazing being able to do it that way. Unfortunately we couldn't justify that unless we knew my salary would increase rather quickly (unlikely), we would burn through our savings/back up money in no time. I'm hoping when they're both in school I can go back part time and start the process then 🤞
And same, I would never be full time. My friend has older DC and is in more demand now than ever, especially for the teens!

I wfh 2 days a week and that to me is perfect for us. Still gives me a salary of £40k or so and my dh can work ft and not have to do any cooking/cleaning/kid pick ups after work like he used to when I was FT working out of the house. We are constantly saying how much better our quality of life is. I dropped a considerable amount of salary but life is so very much better for all of us and my dh earns more than me pro rata anyway so makes sense for him to be the earner. If you can afford it, do it. There’s no downside I can see unless financially not viable.

Well thank you child free person for deciding why parents make the choices they do.

In your scenario, someone still has to work. Why is it ok for one person to subscribe to working for a rich person but the other does not (and why is it nearly always the woman?)

You talk about work as if it’s only to make money. There may be people in that position, but working, for me, is so much more than that. I take pride in the job that I do. I am constantly improving myself despite having done the job for 30 years. I have worked my way up in my career and now manage a team of people. It keeps my mind sharp, I’d be bored if my life was centred around my home.

My daughter is 16. In a couple of years she will be at university, what would my life be then, if I had not continued working? Then I really would be just working to make money, in a low paid job. Progression at 50 is much harder to do if you are starting from the bottom.

It’s also not about gold toilets. Many families need two working parents to pay the bills. We didn’t, but every spare penny we have is saved for my daughter’s education when she leaves school. We have both worked flexibly since my daughter was born and life is no more chaotic than if one of us didn’t have a job. Our daughter has grown up knowing it isn't the woman’s job to look after the home. That everyone pitches in and pulls their weight. That it’s entirely normal for dad to cook and clean and for mum to do DIY. She hasn’t suffered one bit from having two working parents. She is smart, headed for studying medicine. If her incredible brain was not put to any use other than looking after a family, I’d see that as quite sad, unless it was what she chose to do.

I’m not sure what you’d want as the alternative to capitalism, but I doubt whether most people would be much happier within it. Certainly we’d take many steps backward when it comes to equity for women.

Aibu to think that having one Sahp (be it the mum or dad (if the dad were to do everything as efficiently 😆) is a better model?

There's so many other factors to consider. Is the SAHP happy to be doing it? Was it a free and equitable choice? Will it disadvantage them later? Can they afford it, will it cost them a good standard of living?

I was a SAHP, I was happy enough. Until I wasn't. Now having us both work is a better model.

@Perzival I'm sorry, it must be very hard to have a disable child.

@dontcomeatme I changed my career after dc and the two days I worked I didn't earn more than childcare costs but fortunately we could afford it now out of household income and now I have progressed and earn a good salary.

I'm not sure I will ever go full time though, I've found as the dc get older they need you more in some ways.

I'm a sahp. I never thought would be, I'd always worked from being 17 and through college and uni. After having ds1 my career at the time wasn't feasible as I worked away as part of my role and I didn't want to miss all his firsts etc. I got a little part time job with the LA.

After ds2 was born I gave up work completely. He has multiple disabilities and will never be able to live alone and requires constant care.

Me being a sahp has worked wonders for our family and has worked to everyone's benefit.

Ds1 has always had somebody to support him when he's needed it, he's now taking his A-levels and is expected amazing results. I've always been here to help with homework, projects, hobbies etc.

Ds2 has a very well written ehcp and goes to one of the best sen schools in the country. He's made huge progress. I'm sure this wouldn't have been achieved if I was working as I wouldn't have been able to take on the endless battles with theLA or support with the same amount of therapy and additional work with him at home.

Dh has progressed in his career knowing I'm here for the children. He pulls his weight and is heavily involved with all aspects of their childhood but is safe in the knowledge that I can be here for transport, appointments, meetings, sickness, school plays etc if he can't take the time (he always try to make as many as possible).

As for me, now that ds2 is settled in a great school I get my days to do as I please. I do the bulk of the housework but that's not a huge deal, I have my own car, full access to all finances etc I work out, read, go for coffee with other parent carers, plan our upcoming holiday and do as I please. Why would I trade that to work in a job which could never match my original career and I'd be settling for something I don't enjoy?

Ds2 will transition to adult care over the next few years so that will need managing.

We're all happy with the situation.

The only reason for the above attitude is absolute jealously - because someone cannot imagine having a partner they trust enough to be able to rely on them, because they're too insecure in themselves that they need a full time "career" (read: time-waste) to feel worthwhile, or whatever else. Total jealously - because not having to go to work is amazing. Not being part of the rat race is fucking glorious. Why do you NEED to be ordered around like a slave by a stranger to feel useful?

I don't have any issues with a SAHP but why is it wrong for some people to like their jobs? I like mine and my colleagues and i'm good at my job. The above narrative is never thrown at a man.