AIBU to be angry at my husband for spending 3.5 hours at the gym on the day of our baby girls first birthday?

LOL typical MN reaction. No context to the post, but it’s a man so must be bad. If OP is someone who demand 100%% focus and go totally over the top for a baby’s birthday, I would also have fucked off to the gym for 3.5 hours. I empathise with the DH here due to dramatic nature of post 😅

You're seriously wanting help when giving the bare minimum of information.

Any advice given now would be pointless as there's no real context to your post

This place is really good for practical and emotional support but you need to explain the issue in detail

Context? Is this usual, training for something, had to help with anything, had previously discussed it with you? It doesn’t sound great but also there isn’t really a question to answer

Angry is a bit strong.

But it’d be natural to be disappointed if, given the choice, he didn’t want to devote his time to his family on his daughter’s first birthday. Of course, to spend time with his DD. But also because the first year after birth, especially with a first child, is tough (especially for the mother) and full of new challenges and milestones. So, the first birthday is an occasion to mark and celebrate that. And show his appreciation for you. She won’t remember. But you will. And so will he.

Was it 3.5hrs in one go? If so, that’s almost half a working day. If you’d both gone out for 3.5hrs, what sort of day would there have been? Did he assume you’d be with your DD alone? Or did he discuss it with you?

Even if he went at 5am, does that mean he wasn’t there when your DD woke or you were alone in getting her up for the day and having breakfast time without him? If he went at 9pm, once she was asleep, did that mean you spent the evening alone?

If he usually goes for 3.5hrs every day, surely he’d want to focus on his child on her birthday? Even a professional athlete would likely try to make time.

Was he also at work? Or does he work in a gym?

There’s nowhere near enough information to come to any conclusion, let alone some of the extreme scenarios people are imagining on here. Did he go to work all day then to the gym and not see the child - not good. Did he piss off for 3.5hrs while party prep needed doing/during the party - not good. Did he go to the gym at 6am when the only party planned was a family dinner at 6pm - perfectly fine (if somewhat excessive gym time).

What is this belief that both parents need to spend the child’s entire birthday attached to each other and the child?? Is this some new social media thing?

In isolation YABU, your daughter will have no idea it’s her birthday. But I imagine this is not the only issue is it?

Really? What the hell is he doing in the gym for 3.5 hours? And on his daughter's first birthday for that matter.

It's not clear from the OP if they didn't celebrate at all, just that he spent 3.5 hours at the gym. They could still have given presents in the morning, had a family dinner etc.

It is a weirdly excessive time at the gym, so I would wonder if he was actually there that whole time.

Also, i'd be SUPER p*ssed off if we had a party or something planned with guests invited and DP left me to do all the work while he went to the gym.

But I don't think both parents need to spend all day with the birthday child.

I would be very unhappy about this. A baby has no idea about a first birthday. It is a very special day. I would expect the father of loved my child to want to spend the day together no matter what was planned. I wish we could have our dc's first birthdays again

He wasn't at work. He went to the gym 🤷. I'm, not sure on the comms between the parents but still? Dad missing any sort of consideration for his daughter's first birthday...?

I am one of those working women, but I use my holiday etc to prioritise my children.

My also FT working husband and father would rather be around for his child's birthday rather than the gym!

My friends DH did this - fucked off to the gym and left my friend to do all the party prep. 15 years later he’s still an arsehole and she’s still with him!

3.5 hours at the gym is ridiculous for anyone who isnt an athlete in training.

I smell "checking out" syndrome.....

So imagine if it was a work day AND he went to the gym for 3.5 hours.

Let’s assume it wasn’t a work day AND he went to the gym for 3.5 hours.

Neither is a good look.

DH automatically took the day off work so we could spend the entire day as a family on DD’s first birthday. Her party was on a convenient weekend, but we had a wonderful day together, just the 3 of us. I just can’t imagine a man who would have disappeared off to the gym.

Well it seems to me to be an excessive amount of time to spend at a gym - however I've never even set foot in one, so what do I know.

YABU - is your daughter actually going to know, or care? Surely most people are at work all day on a child's birthday anyway rather than all this planning, spending time together etc. which seems to be the modern way of celebrating a child's birthday (on MN anyway, once again never encountered such a fuss in real life).

Why is it an issue? Unless there is some detail missing like he lives there even day and you are chained to the sink type unsaid thing

@NaiceRedMentor was it wet inside you? It must have been or you couldn't know that.

What a vile and unnecessary post that s of no help to anyone.

@Gyozas I agree he sounds like a twat for doing this but (not defending him btw) it's frequently said on Mumsnet that some people just "aren't interested in birthdays" so who knows what his thinking is and unless the OP tells us we can't really offer her much advice.
It's also a common Mumsnet issue that spouses never seem to talk to each other and just expect to communicate through mind reading.

What kind of help are you looking for?

That's excessive under any circumstances.

On his baby’s birthday? He didn’t think it might be nice to mark it in some way? He didn’t think the OP might like to mark it in some way?

Sure, as people like to bang on about on here, the baby doesn’t know exactly what a birthday is, but she’s totally capable of having fun at one, and getting enjoyment from a special fuss of her, from which will grow a childish glee about birthdays.

People will fall all over themselves to defend this man’s selfish bullshit. I don’t understand that on here.

It’s so lucky that you’ve discovered how to have birthday parties that take no prep or organisation! Tell us your secret! It’s also really lucky for your partner that he doesn’t have to worry about if you’d like to do something or whether you have plans, he can just disappear and the children are looked after. Does he realise how lucky he is, that all the grumpy not cool wives like me insist their partners actively share parenting and family life?

Because preparing for the day. Spend it as a family. Help with tasks. Help partner

What time did he go to the gym?
Did you have plans?
What time were they for?
Did they go ahead at the planned time?
If yes, then YABU.