AIBU to be angry at my husband for spending 3.5 hours at the gym on the day of our baby girls first birthday?

YANBU

YANBU- that’s rubbish parenting. But you’ve not given enough context. If it was at night when she was asleep it’s not a big deal. Middle of the day? That’s not ok.

Not unreasonable at all

How do we know?
The OP hasn't come back so we don't know anything about the situation really.
If they are both those people that are all "I hate fuss/attention/gifts on my birthday" and they've always been like that in their relationship and they never actually had a conversation about what to do on their baby's birthday is he meant to use psychic powers to know that she would actually like to do something?

Do people just dump these vague posts then give no further context just to be annoying? Surely it totally depends on the context. 3.5 hrs in the middle of the day whilst mum is running around frantically trying to make little one's first birthday perfect and possibly even having to host a party/entertain guests? Seriously not cool and worthy of divorce papers. 3.5 hours at the end of the day after little one is in bed or early am before they wake up? Still excessive but if he's not doing it every day and allowing mum time to do the same then fair enough. Totally pointless post that feels deliberately vague in order to attention seek so I guess we'll never know.

I spend 3.5 hours at the gym...a week.

I could imagine spending 2 hours in one visit but not more.

Blimey, I’ve obviously touched a nerve. Maybe

My point was simply that the OP didn’t give any of the information. She doesn’t even say if there was a party at all, what kind of party it might have been, or what time her husband went to the gym, or whether he did anything else that day. She just said it was the baby’s first birthday. You’re making one hell of a leap here.

As I said in my post - if he needed to be around for a party (by which I meant the party and any associated ‘prep’) he should have been. The rest of the day, though, doesn’t matter.

I wouldn’t have a party for a one-year-old at all, personally. Not my scene. I might invite their grandparents over for cake and candles and take some photos, which is what my family and friends have mostly done. But that’s all. None of my mates have done the whole cake-smash photoshoot, balloon arch, mound of presents and catering kind of thing for first birthdays. So I didn’t make any assumptions either way about what was happening at the OP’s house.

The thing about relationships, especially when children come along, is that we have certain expectations based on our own perspective. We often don’t live up to each others’ expectations, either because we/they are emotionally immature, not good at communicating their needs, or just self involved. We need to learn to communicate what we expect and understand that we can’t control their behaviour. It would be great if our partners understood that on their child’s first birthday we should be together as a family. But sadly that’s not how some people think. Maybe, tomorrow when you’re less upset, calmly communicate to him that you expected that you would spend the day together and that maybe he didn’t understand that. It would be great if next time he could consider what you want too. I don’t know how your relationship is so it may be that he becomes defensive and aggressive, or maybe he will respond kindly and say that he misunderstood and next time he’ll be more aware.

We need more info
How long does he normally go to the gym?
What time did he go to the gym? If baby was asleep then it’s fine. If OP had to host party on her own then she’s not unreasonable.
I think that the people who point out that the baby doesn’t know forget that what happens this year could set expectations and precedents for next year. If OP doesn’t say something this year then the h could think that OP is being unreasonable next year when he does the same again.

Yanbu.

Depends. Does he have form for disappearing. What time of day did he disappear? Was it weekend, was baby at nursery, were plans made? Was he involved before and after the gym? If he went to the gym straight after work and missed a whole evening with her, that's a problem. Even bigger problem if it's a regular thing.

Bottom line is he prioritised himself first rather than his DD and wife.
Selfish.

3.5 hours which led him to missing his DDs birthday party - a big problem
3.5 hours which meant he didn't see his DD on her birthday - a big problem
3.5 hours fitted around his DDs birthday party and spending time with his DD on her birthday - not a problem at all*

*caveat than in general 3.5 hours seems a lot plus both parents should get equal down time - but not a problem regarding DD and her birthday.

This ^. YANBU. Even if you hadn't planned anything he should want to spend the day together as a family. He should have wanted to take her out somewhere even if its to a farm or something. I wouldn't be happy either OP. Unless he works in a gym not sure what he does there for three hours? Are you sure he was at the gym?

Think he was avoiding something... or did something else as well..
3.5 hours is A Very Long TIme at the gym by anyone's standards op

Oh ffs, What an idiotic reply. Don’t you think he should realise it was his DD’s bday so his wife might like to plan something to celebrate?? Or you know, he could step up and plan something himself?? 🙄

It’s very sad - I can’t imagine my DH not wanting to spend the day together as a family if he was free. What does he do for 3 hours anyway?!

What time did he go, did it impact you in any way (like if you were having people over and had to prepare everything by yourself) or did it stop you going out for the day? More context needed I reckon op.

The birthday is irrelevant, the child has no notion that the day is meant to be special

That being said, if a partner is spending so much time out of the house on a hobby that it's pissing the other partner off it's generally because the relationship is on the rocks. And more often than not there is unfaithfulness involved. Either a physical or emotional attachment to a third party.

YANBU and he wouldn’t have been constantly exercising all that time. He didn’t want to spend time with his baby on her birthday, which is really sad. Does he frequently spend this amount of time at the gym?

Exactly this.

When you celebrate your baby's first birthday, it's a milestone for all of you. A year ago you were at the hospital just meeting your child for the very first time, and if it's your first child, becoming parents. Now you're celebrating a whole year of getting to know your child, surviving the challenges that the last year has thrown at you, the first year of your new family in its current form.

It's weird for a parent not to want to be there for that.

My parents have been there for most, or possibly even all of my children's birthdays, and they live in a different country and are not my children's parents.

I would find it so strange and sad if my husband didn't want to be there, taking a full part in the day.

My son's first birthday was on a Friday and my husband and I both had to work that day. His childminder made him a little cake with a candle in it and sent me a picture of him with it in his high chair at lunchtime. My gut reaction was sadness that she celebrated that milestone with him first, and not me. But I got over it because he didn't know it was his birthday, she was doing a kind thing, and we celebrated with him that evening and at the weekend. I can't imagine what is going through the head of someone who opts out of a big chunk of their child's first birthday in favour of going to the bloody gym! Like, if you really must go to the gym every day including on your child's first birthday, just go for an hour when they are having their nap. Don't make a half day of it and leave your partner to do all the birthday stuff as well as the normal childcare stuff on her own.

If my husband did this on our child's first birthday I'd probably take it as a sign that he didn't think our child and our family was that important, and that over the years many other events and milestones would play second fiddle to whatever he wanted to do. I'd be anticipating 18 years of going to school plays and parents evenings on my own, and being the one to take my child to their hobbies every week because he would always have something more important to be doing.

Because if you can't be arsed to make an effort for your child's first birthday, it doesn't bode well for their second, fifth, tenth or 18th. Or any of the days in between.

One of the most ridiculous takes I’ve ever seen on MN. Incredible that these people walk among us!

YANBU. Gym is not an appropriate way to spend your time if you are a parent, unless the whole family goes to the gym (swimming pool attached to the gym, young classes in the same gym). As a father he needs to spend time with his family, birthday or not. Gyms are for single preening people. Lots of physical activity for him and the child without gym preening - he can run in the park with your dd's buggy, he can put a heavy rucksack on his back and take your dd in his arms and work out that way, etc. etc. He behaves like a single prick, not a father.

Well we don't know if he did or didn't? All we know is he went to the gym for 3.5hrs on the day. Was her expextstion he spends whole day by their side and thats why she is angry? Or was it because he had been at work then went to gym and missed a party she organised? Who knows...we need more context

I never understand some peoples views on things like this. If it’s important to the other person it’s important. Just because it’s not important to you doesn’t mean you can ignore the situation.

This applies to birthdays, Christmas, baby showers, anniversaries.

Just because you don’t like Christmas or baby showers doesn’t mean it’s not important to the person and by not showing up it’s sending a message the person isn’t that important to you.

Yes it’s a first birthday and yes the baby will never know but it’s important to the mother. That alone should be enough for her partner to make an effort.

As ever, we see that people live such separate lives from their partners. The replies on here are plain weird.
It's strange to go to the gym for 3.5 hours anyway. OP it is shocking that he did that and I also would not be happy.
Don't be confused by the weirdos here saying that a first birthday doesn't require two parents. I get that you wanted to spend the day as a family celebrating a special milestone for you all (not just your baby). Hugs to you.

The replies on this site make me realise how fucking odd people are.