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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH refusing to help

158 replies

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:22

My best friend is going through a very difficult divorce and has asked me to provide some emotional and practical support. Her husband walked out on her and the kids, and she is struggling in almost very aspect of her life.

I have asked DH to pick up more of the household chores to allow me to help my friend but he has refused because work is too intense and he doesn't want to disturb his routine.

Despite my best efforts, he has never gotten on well with my friend but I was shocked at his response. Should I expect more from him?

OP posts:
Everybodysinthehousetonight · 15/05/2025 21:56

Yabu and totally ridiculous.

Moonnstars · 15/05/2025 21:55

YABU, he can't exactly ask to change his work schedule because his wife's friend needs help. Surely the friend has family or other friends they could resort to if they desperately need help at that specific time.
Likewise it's not fair on his children to come second best to your friend.
Why can't you help your friend when the children are at school? What support to you need to give her? If it's emotional then surely that can be done during the day, as well as some practical help such as batch cooking, cleaning her house if things have gone off track for her.

InWalksBarberalla · 15/05/2025 21:55

Yabu. Can't believe you expect him to change his work hours.

WatchAnXFilesWithNoLightsOn · 15/05/2025 21:55

YAB massively unreasonable. If someone that worked for me wanted to change their hours because their wife’s friend needed a shoulder to cry on I’d be super unimpressed!

And the way you’ve worded it suggests you expect him to cancel having his children too? What’s the reason he dislikes her? Is there a backstory?

CaptainFuture · 15/05/2025 21:54

JHound · 15/05/2025 21:52

Is there stuff you currently do for your husband?

Maybe you can stop doing that to focus on your friend?

Of course, and then he can stop using his earnings to support the op financially....
Not the dc, just the op.

MyCyanReader · 15/05/2025 21:52

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

Show quote history

YABU!!
You want home to sacrifice time with his own kids so you can help your friend?!?!

And changing the work routine is a huge ask too and likely not feasible.

His refusal is reasonable.

Find another way to help your friend.

bingocard · 15/05/2025 21:52

Y A B so U here - I wouldn't be overly impressed if a member of staff wanted to change hours due to an issue his wife had with her friend. That would be a business impact and one I just would authorise at alll. I can see why he doesn't want to ask his manager!!

JHound · 15/05/2025 21:52

Is there stuff you currently do for your husband?

Maybe you can stop doing that to focus on your friend?

EG94 · 15/05/2025 21:51

CaptainFuture · 15/05/2025 21:48

Well it depends if op wants him to cancel his dc...

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why Does he need to cancel? He has more than his first family children, children with the OP aren’t second class citizens. Surely he can parent all his kids at the same time?!

Sirzy · 15/05/2025 21:50

So you want him to cancel his children visiting so you can support a friend?

surely as a SAHM you can support while the children are at school?

parietal · 15/05/2025 21:50

yabu to expect him to change his work schedule.

what practical help does your friend need? if you are a SAHM, you must have other time available to help the friend.

CaptainFuture · 15/05/2025 21:49

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:44

The household split in probably 70:30 me but im a stay at home parent whilst he works a fairly stressful job.

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How old are the dc?

DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby · 15/05/2025 21:49

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t be keen to rearrange work for this. What happens when one of the children, his own family etc need him, and he’s exhausted his managers goodwill to help your friend?

Presuming he could still see his children on Saturday, then you’re not at all unreasonable on the second point. It won’t harm his children to go to your dc’s activities just once.

CaptainFuture · 15/05/2025 21:48

EG94 · 15/05/2025 21:46

unreasonable point 1
not unreasonable point 2

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Well it depends if op wants him to cancel his dc...

nomas · 15/05/2025 21:48

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

Show quote history

So he needs to do what other parents do and bundle them in car, unless he had plans with them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/05/2025 21:48

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:44

The household split in probably 70:30 me but im a stay at home parent whilst he works a fairly stressful job.

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Can you not help your friend during the school day?

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/05/2025 21:48

Oh, based on your updates YAB massively U.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/05/2025 21:47

Wanting him to rearrange work for this I think is unreasonable.

Taking the kids to activities- find as it won’t harm his older kids to either come along as a one/ two off or if they’re old enough, stay at home alone (not ages in your post). Does he normally do nothing with your joint children in the weekends because his older children are there?

HeddaGarbled · 15/05/2025 21:47

*I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit*

I think he’s justified.

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/05/2025 21:46

There are so many variables and so much information missing from your OP. Do you have kids? Do you work? How much time per week will this be?
Why doesn't he like her?

If, for example, she wants you to have 3 young kids multiple hours every week in the evenings, then frankly fuck off. If you just want him to wash up a couple more evenings so you can take some dinner round to your friend, yes he should do that.

EG94 · 15/05/2025 21:46

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

Show quote history

unreasonable point 1
not unreasonable point 2

Original poster
ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:44

nomas · 15/05/2025 21:32

YANBU. He wouldn’t be helping your friend, he’d be helping you.

I’m guessing you do a lot for him? I’d be dialling that right back. What is the housework split?

The household split in probably 70:30 me but im a stay at home parent whilst he works a fairly stressful job.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

HeyPooPooHead · 15/05/2025 21:31

What are you asking him to do? I’d expect him to pull his weight

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 15/05/2025 21:40

Just how much slack are you asking him to pick up? Is he the kind of spouse who would immediately step up if you were sick or if you had a family member with an emergency?

if he is generally a good partner in these things, then I think it’s fair for him to say that this particular request is too much.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/05/2025 21:37

Can household chores not be sidelined for a day or so? I wouldn’t be able to just drop work so DH could go and sit with a friend; but I also wouldn’t be bothered about a bit of washing up building up or needing to catch up on laundry together later in the week so he could go and I could get on with work which needed to be done.