DH refusing to help

Sorry but you need to help your friend during the time you have available. I wouldn’t be asking dh to change hours for this, especially someone he doesn’t like.

what does your friend need help with? Should she be changing her hours?

Nobody needs to be changing rotas at work because their partners chum (who they don’t get on with) got dumped. You can support your friend, he does not have to .

Supporting a friend through a split does not mean becoming a makeshift partner to help them through life, while your own partner has to pick up more at home as a result.

I don't think it's possible to say who's being unreasonable. I would expect my DH to rearrange things that weren't much trouble so I could help a friend out even if he didn't like the friend. But I wouldn't expect him to go far out of his way and I'd only expect it if I couldn't help my friend without impinging on him. I would certainly try and avoid impinging on his time with his kids if he only sees them at the weekend, for instance. And while in some workplaces asking to change hours is of no consequence, in others it's a big deal. I wouldn't expect him to put himself in a negative position at work if it wasn't essential.

I'm currently supporting a friend who's a single mother who's struggling. But I go during the day to see her, and text or have virtual coffee if meeting up would stop me doing the things I normally do to support our family life.

If it was a one off like going to look after her son because she had to go to the A&E, or helping her move house, I would expect a bit of flexibility from DH. But for ongoing stuff and where the timing isn't dictated by external forces, I expect me to be flexible and fit my support around my current commitments.

I think that's pretty unreasonable

I don't think the responses are mad. I'm the first person to put my friends first and help in a crisis but I think what is being asked of the husband is unreasonable. No employer is going to allow a person to change their working hours so their wife can help their friend through a divorce. And the husband shouldn't be expected to compromise on time with his OWN children who he sees once a week it appears.

The husband can still support his wife to support her friend. There's evenings, Sunday and also during the day at all. No one is saying the OP shouldn't be supporting her friend just that it needs to be balanced with the needs of her family too.

No, your friend is unreasonable for putting you in this position. You are a SAHM to benefit your husband and children.

You are not free labour for someone else's family.

Support pal is a text, a meet up- it’s not requesting partner change work rota or not see kids(upsetting them, being absent and the ex having to rearrange schedule)
@ForCheekyOchreLeader doesn’t work, no rota to accommodate, has all day to be the heroic saviour to her needy mate

And this is one of the more misogynistic things I've read on this site.

Women supporting women throught difficult times in their lives, depicted as gossiping lazy hags, living off the men in their lives.

If you're a woman yourself, you should really take a minute to examine why you responded like this, with such vitriol, to someone you don't even know?

Inconveniencing him slightly? Asking to change hours and disrupting his time with his children?

why doesn’t OPs friend (not the DHs friend, he doesn’t like her), inconvenience her own friend slightly by not asking her to get her DH involved with her marital issues.

The responses on this thread are totally mad. Are sahm's never allowed to have anything going on outside of the home and family?

What kind of marriage is it if you can't expect any help from your spouse to support a friend because it might inconvenience them slightly? It's not like shes asking him to permanently change his hours, it's likely a short term thing so she can lend support to a friend in their time of need, something we should all try and do for those we care about?

I'm willing to bet if the dh had a sick family member or a situation where he had to to help a friend out, everyone would 100% expect the op to pick up all the slack at home and probably with her step kids as well or she'd be called a horrible person.

What even kind of help is your friend wanting?

Both these examples I would say you are being totally unreasonable.

Any support you are giving your friend should be around your normal availability not impacting his work or time with his kids.

I’m not making excuses for him. I’m autistic myself and wouldn’t behave like this. It’s just a question.🙋‍♂️

It isn’t. The OP is going round to her mates house so that they can bitch about the friends husband or even men in general whilst sitting on their arses drinking tea etc whilst the ops husband is expected to run himself ragged doing the housework after a long day at work.

Sorry OP but on the basis of your updates id say yabu. I can understand asking him if he can swap one day as a one off but not regular swaps while u support a friend. You are a stay at home mum can't you visit her in the daytime if kids or at school or with younger kids. Politely I assume ur husband is thinking not my circus and not my monkeys I assume she has family support also presumably to help out I can't imagine you are needed everyday? Its not fair to ask the main earner to change his whole schedule for this and it wouldn't sound great to a manager hardly an immediate family emergency. In regards to the Saturday that depends on times I mean can the step kids go in the car for the activity? How long does he get with his other children and how far away is the activity and how long does it last? Could the kids maybe miss one Saturday and spend time with dad and step siblings and u see ur friend then?

yabu. As a sahm you have all day long to support your friend however you decide.

Asking him to change his work hours is very unreasonable.

Also you’re asking him to change his visits for his children again to benefit your friend not your family or household so again unreasonable.

I'm just wondering if this is the same poster from a few weeks back who refused to get a job to help with the family finances because it was convenient for her to not work so she could be available to help friends and family....

That's too bigger an ask. It would be different if it was housework and the odd bedtime. You need to keep focus on your family's needs. Work out how you can help your friend and put it to her what you can do. She needs to ask family and approach appropriate services. I'd direct her to this site.

Somehow I think the OP won't be back. And not because she's too busy helping her friend.

What are you on about? Unplanned assistance to family isn’t same as rescheduling work, not seeing his kids for an acquaintance

Why does your friend need such intensive help that you can’t be around at pick up for school? What exactly are you helping her with that you can’t be around for the kids?

That doesn’t seem a normal level of help to give a friend. The help you provide for your friend must fit around your family. The only time where everything gets dropped is in the case of an emergency. Is your friend in danger, crisis that you need to be with her this intensively?

Has she other friends or family that can help out? That can coordinate with you to sort out timings to allow you to get the kids from school etc.

It isn’t your husbands job to rearrange a highly pressured work schedule around your friends issues.

The help you provide must come second to your family commitments. Unless of course it’s an emergency and adjustments can be made. Your friend will have to cope for a few hours a day without you while you collect your kids etc.

There's always one poster suggesting a person is autistic isn't there! Not that I think there's anything remotely to suggest this.

I thought this was going to be a post about the DH not helping with housework or childcare or something. It's great OP you are a caring friend but what you are asking of your DH is completely unreasonable. You can't ask him to stop seeing his own children on a Saturday nor expect him to change his work hours to accommodate your friend. No manager would agree to that.

I've helped friends through divorces and yes it's tough but they wouldn't expect me to completely arrange my life to help them. If you're a SAHM can you not go round during the day, or a few evenings or a Sunday to support your friend. What is she needing support with?

Mea culpa - didn't read far enough through the thread and in this instance it doesn't sound like he's being unreasonable.

Although I think generally it's not untrue - there are lots of threads on here about men refusing to help with things.

If dh up to his eyes in it then I'd agree with him. Family first op otherwise he will be the one needing support too. Respect that he may be struggling too

Can he have the kids of an evening and you go to your friend then?

I wouldn’t expect him to leave work early or not pick his other kids up TBH.

Though if you feel he’s not flexible or pulling his weight generally that’s another issue. Do you ever go out or get time by yourself? Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to a break.