How can I convince Dh to move back home?

It sounds as if he knows he’s got you trapped so can opt out of discussions.

Well this is one of those times that someone loses and someone wins. Is there a middle ground? Not the uk but closer? More time spent in the uk? Another reason to move besides looking after your parents?

my husband and I are immigrants and I went through a wobble about 10 years ago and wanted to move back. My husband was 100% against it so we were still here in the uk. Once I took moving back off the table it was much easier to settle in here and just think about my life properly as an immigrant - not a temporary situation that would end at some point.

It’s still an appalling thing to suggest - OP could end up stuck in the UK and never seeing her child again.

There’s also always the option of coming back for a visit with DC and not going back. Deceitful but I’ve known people in your position do it.

Don’t do this - if you currently live in a country that is a signatory of The Hague Convention then you would be arrested for kidnapping which will be traumatic for your child.

The only way forward is to talk, talk, talk. Neither of you are being unreasonable but it may take time for a compromise to emerge. By compromise I mean living in a closer third country, moving in X years etc

In the mean time do you research about life in the UK eg what timing means that you’re most likely to get a good school place etc Things will have probably changed a lot since you were here eg state schools and the NHS

@BackyardDreamer - I wasn’t saying it was the right thing to do. I’m saying I know many trailing spouses who have done this out of sheer desperation, well aware of the implications of The Hague Convention. It worked for some, not for others. We can’t really know without knowing more info from the OP.

You're basically saying that your feelings, and your wants, are more important and should override his.

Whatever you do OP, don’t take the advice of people who would blithely raise the nuclear option of near enough kidnapping their child and going against The Hague convention!!

What would a move look like for all of you? Do you have the means to buy a suitable property? Would you have guaranteed jobs? Would the schools be to your liking there? Would the weather be pleasant? Would you have a support structure of friends and family? Healthcare?

Do you have all of the above where you live now? If so, surely it’s no brainer to stay where you are settled where your DD knows as home.

I’ve seen people move to be near elderly parents with much upheaval only for those parents to die not long after leaving the family stranded in a place they wouldn’t necessarily have chosen with no support structure around them. Madness!

Why is he selfish?

It’s hard to say without knowing where you are. Have the goalposts changed? If you always planned to move back and he’s reneged on that, he isn’t being fair. Why don’t you come to the UK on holiday for a few weeks this summer and reevaluate after that? If you don’t want to live there, you shouldn’t have to. But - you’ll need to think carefully about your DC. Are you the primary caregiver? There’s also always the option of coming back for a visit with DC and not going back. Deceitful but I’ve known people in your position do it.

How long have you been in the country?
How old is your DD?

I think in situations where there is no compromise (you can’t half move back) I’d generally lean towards the person who wants to maintain the status quo, particularly for a child. I wouldn’t be keen on uprooting my whole life, and the lives of my children just because DH decided he wanted to.

Unless there is some drip feed coming about how where you live is really unsafe, or there’s terrible education etc.

I’m curious what it is about uk schools that appeals? I’d also say the job market in the UK is terrible with lots of uncertainty (might be just my sector but I don’t think it is).I wouldn’t move at this stage in life and start again.

Speaking as someone a few years older than you who has spent the past two years doing a lot of driving to and from elderly and failing parents, I think you are right to be thinking about this now. Also men are likely to die sooner than women so if you stay where you are, chances are you'll be stuck there yourself at some point.

I think your husband is being selfish. Try to talk to him about this.

You need to look at both sides, not just the positives. Be realistic.

Why did you move abroad in the first place? How long have you been there?

If it wasn't for thinking you need to look after your parents, how would you feel about where you live rn?

"Feeling uneasy" isn't a lot to go on.

Yes I wonder this too. Every couple I know who's moved overseas has had a long-term plan in mind. Not necessarily set in stone and some of those plans have changed a lot but it meant they'd had a conversation which actually explored all avenues, and could continue having that conversation as life went on.

If I was lucky enough to be living somewhere beautiful that wasn't the UK, I wouldn't be hurrying back to become a carer for my partner's parents.

That's your next discussion.

Well, if you can't come to an agreement, then you split up and you come back to the UK. Given that you're the one making the massive change though, there's a good chance you won't get custody of your child.

Was your plan always to move back eventually or were you going to stay forever? Didn't you talk about this before you had a child? Or has one of you suddenly changed your mind? Obviously that can't be helped, but it's not really fair on the one who didn't change their mind, and puts you both in a difficult situation.

Well you must be prepared for him not wanting to return . You don’t say where you live but he might think the same as you that the U.K. is not the place to bring up a family and uprooting your children is wrong . You will need to discuss this together and decide if separating is something worthy of a move . I understand being worried about your parents as my parents live abroad and as they get older it complicates things but maybe consider them moving near you instead if the other way around ?

It would be unfair of you to continually try to change his mind after you have been told how he feels. Why would he move to somewhere he doesn’t want to live for the sake of being near your in laws?

I wouldn't in a million years uproot my child and husband to move country to look after DH's ageing parents.

What is the benefit in moving?
How far away are you? Is it a 3 hour flight or a 12 hour flight? If it's the first, can you holiday more, visit for a month or two?

Both of you have valid arguments but in these situations,I do sway more towards the partner who wants to stay where they are and not uproot their lives, especially if they have kids.

Is there a compromise? Could you spend more time going to visit your parents?

You may have to accept that for now your life with your husband and child is where you are and if you are set on moving, do that when your child is an adult and move alone if needs be. You'll have to decide what is more important to you... living with your husband and returning to UK

I’m not sure what there is to discuss - you want to move, he doesn’t. There isn’t a solution that’s going to make you both happy.

Unfortunately having DD makes this incredibly hard for you as you can’t just uproot her and take her away from her dad - depending on the country you can even be arrested for abduction if you try and take her without his consent.

All depends what country you're in. If you're in the Swiss Alps or the depths of Oregon looking at mountains and lakes every day he probably has a point!