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Original poster

How can I convince Dh to move back home?

239 replies

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 15/05/2025 20:26

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:06

Wtafdidido · 16/05/2025 19:02

Maybe you need to go your separate ways then as if he won’t move you will only resent him and end up splitting anyway

You can’t even make enough money here to survive on your own easily, in the uk I could. This is another aspect, i’m so vulnerable here.

OP posts:
JoyousEagle · 16/05/2025 19:04

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:02

I know, but i’m worried then i’ll never get her out of here

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Oh don’t be so ridiculous! The PP is right, EU citizenship is a gift and you can’t deny her it because you are worried she then won’t leave Spain.
She can’t leave now without your husband’s consent anyway. So what s the difference other than her having the benefit of it?

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:04

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:22

No, she’s not.

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She may very well be, considering she was born and has lived in Spain her entire life. Speaking from experience, it does not follow that the country you consider ‘home’ is the one she does, or that she will have emotional ties to it.

Endofyear · 16/05/2025 19:03

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:49

There’s no way I could keep
someone somewhere feeling miserable for decades

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But if he moved back to the UK and was feeling miserable that would be ok? There is no easy answer here, if I were in your shoes I would do my best to make a good life for yourself there until your daughter is older. Maybe visit your parents for a few weeks in the holidays and spend time with them or invite them out to stay with you.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:03

Flyswats · 16/05/2025 18:59

I think you need to force the conversation to happen, not let him brush it off or walk away. Is there a day when your DD is elsewhere, like a friend's house when you have no distractions and can thrash it out, if necessary?

We are ex-pats too. I 110% get it. I do.

Do you want to leave?

OP posts:
Wtafdidido · 16/05/2025 19:02

Maybe you need to go your separate ways then as if he won’t move you will only resent him and end up splitting anyway

JoyousEagle · 16/05/2025 19:02

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:35

This is how I feel…if he felt like I do and was desperate to be home with his parents and family I wouldn’t stay

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But maybe he does feel like you do at the prospect of uprooting his whole life. You’re miserable at the thought of staying, he’s miserable at the thought of leaving. Neither really trumps the other, so status quo wins.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:02

PurpleThistle7 · 16/05/2025 18:57

If your daughter qualities for Spanish citizenship you should get it for her before considering leaving. Having eu citizenship is a gift.

I know, but i’m worried then i’ll never get her out of here

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:01

CandidHedgehog · 16/05/2025 18:51

Your DH has told you he will be miserable in the UK. This is exactly what you want to do.

I have a lot of sympathy for you but by the sounds of it one of you has to be miserable and the law is on his side.

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He wouldn’t be though and he’s not said he’d be miserable, he’s worried how it will be and quite frankly, lazy and never makes decisions or can be arsed.
He’ll be near family, old friends, will earn more money, still a nice lifestyle where we’ll go, can speak the language more easily, can bring Dd up in our culture, have a bigger and better pension. We could even possibly keep our house here, rent it out for an amazing amount and come over for holidays, there are so many more pros than cons, but he’s not willing to even make a list or do anything about it, just to carry on like all is fine.

OP posts:
WavyRavey · 16/05/2025 19:01

He's right, the UK is crap now!

Wtafdidido · 16/05/2025 19:01

If one wants to stay and the other wants to go there is no middle ground without one person being miserable and unhappy. You seem to feel your needs out trump his but how did you end up living in Spain in the first place? Was it a joint decision? Did you discuss how long it would be for or the possibility of having a change of heart and what would happen? The UK is spiralling down the toilet currently and I would not want my child growing up here. I am with your husband and as someone that has relocated countries with a child that age it is a huge adjustment and it does affect them emotionally. If you can’t discuss it openly which is frankly ridiculous in a stable happy relationship then maybe agree to both writing and exchanging your list of pros and cons and where you see your selves in ten years time. What if you made a plan together to rethink when your daughter leaves school and flies the nest for uni or whatever?

Flyswats · 16/05/2025 18:59

I think you need to force the conversation to happen, not let him brush it off or walk away. Is there a day when your DD is elsewhere, like a friend's house when you have no distractions and can thrash it out, if necessary?

We are ex-pats too. I 110% get it. I do.

PurpleThistle7 · 16/05/2025 18:57

If your daughter qualities for Spanish citizenship you should get it for her before considering leaving. Having eu citizenship is a gift.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:57

faerietales · 16/05/2025 18:52

Unfortunately it's a harsh lesson learned.

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Wow, thanks.

OP posts:
ChaChaChaChanges · 16/05/2025 18:56

Exactly this.

Plus your opening post seemed far less certain that you want to leave. In that post you said you feel uneasy at the thought of eventually retiring in Spain and don’t feel as settled as you’d like. That’s a far cry from your subsequent “I hate it here and am
utterly miserable” posts. Which is it?

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 18:55

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:49

There’s no way I could keep
someone somewhere feeling miserable for decades

Show quote history

Then why are you asking him to return to the UK?

He’s not stopping you from returning if you want to. You just won’t be able to return in the way that best suits you.

faerietales · 16/05/2025 18:54

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:49

There’s no way I could keep
someone somewhere feeling miserable for decades

Show quote history

But you want to move him to the UK where he'll be miserable. What's the difference?

faerietales · 16/05/2025 18:52

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:30

I know this ffs!! I never said I was just going to take her, I was expressing how miserable it is to be somewhere you don’t want to be, away from
family you worry about, old friends, no chance of a proper career or anything for yourself, feeling vulnerable and worry about the future, waking every day feeling like you’re in a trap. But I know, I can’t just take her and wouldn’t.

Show quote history

Unfortunately it's a harsh lesson learned.

CandidHedgehog · 16/05/2025 18:51

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:49

There’s no way I could keep
someone somewhere feeling miserable for decades

Show quote history

Your DH has told you he will be miserable in the UK. This is exactly what you want to do.

I have a lot of sympathy for you but by the sounds of it one of you has to be miserable and the law is on his side.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:49

JHound · 16/05/2025 18:47

I am in a group for expats and this is probably the number one topic of discussion and debate.

I like the the idea of unemotional Pros and Cons lists. But be prepared for him not to budge and you remain stuck where you are for decades.

And figure out a way for you to work through the resentment.

There’s no way I could keep
someone somewhere feeling miserable for decades

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:48

Ponderingwindow · 16/05/2025 18:46

yes, but does she qualify easily? That is the key. If she is just like any other random applicant, then keeping her there could be detrimental to her future. However, if all she needs to do is fill out some paperwork, then it is a non-issue.

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She could probably get it easily, but I’ve deliberately not so far

OP posts:
JHound · 16/05/2025 18:47

I am in a group for expats and this is probably the number one topic of discussion and debate.

I like the the idea of unemotional Pros and Cons lists. But be prepared for him not to budge and you remain stuck where you are for decades.

And figure out a way for you to work through the resentment.

Ponderingwindow · 16/05/2025 18:46

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:43

She hasn’t got it

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yes, but does she qualify easily? That is the key. If she is just like any other random applicant, then keeping her there could be detrimental to her future. However, if all she needs to do is fill out some paperwork, then it is a non-issue.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:45

BoldRed · 16/05/2025 18:43

Me neither. I couldn’t watch someone I supposedly loved struggle like this. I would find being in your situation extremely difficult- and if he won’t even empathise, that’s just awful. Did you initially plan to live in Spain forever?

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I never think in forever, but no, always to settle back in the uk

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:43

Zezet · 16/05/2025 18:36

It IS true, in the legal sense, and also very very very likely in actuality. You are just only now realizing, from the sound of it, that Spain is home for your child. You might wish you can pass on belonging by virtue of being her mum, but that's not how it works. A lesson many expats learn (myself included)!

Look, I can see this is a surprise. And I can see you feel like we're insensitive.

If this is about having a moan about being homesick, sure, we do understand.

If this is actually wanting to move her away from home to what you wish were her home: just. no. luck. There is no moral way to do that at this point against the wishes of her loving father. That's the default you guys created together, voluntarily or not.

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I’m stuck here forever then

OP posts: