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Original poster

How can I convince Dh to move back home?

239 replies

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 15/05/2025 20:26

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:50

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:44

I was one of those children, yes. I wasn’t traumatized, but I don’t share the same concept of ‘home’ as my parents do (nor does my brother), and that’s okay. It isn’t something that has to be shared.

What I’m saying is that it isn’t nonsense to say that she could very well already be rooted in Spain, and it doesn’t follow that what would best suit OP would be better for her than remaining in Spain.

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It would be better for her in the uk, not me, but her too

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:48

PurpleThistle7 · 16/05/2025 19:30

It sounds like you just had very different expectations - you considered this some sort of an ex pat situation and he considered it immigrating. My husband and I went through the same as I said and he did ‘win’ and it absolutely worked out for the best. So I don’t think either of you are wrong, priorities shift when you have children and you just didn’t figure it out along the way

Yes exactly, it’s ever since we had her, priorities do change, it’s what’s best for her now too, not us

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 16/05/2025 19:47

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:45

I never think in forever, but no, always to settle back in the uk

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So HE'S changed his mind, not you?

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:46

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:28

She would have far greater freedom to, as an EU citizen.

I remember mine quite well, and at that age I certainly considered the country I was born and raised in to be ‘home’, even if it wasn’t one I shared with both parents.

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Did you read what I wrote? The prospects and just happiness and security would be much better around our family in the uk, we are alone here

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:44

Flyswats · 16/05/2025 19:34

I think for some individuals, moving countries as children can be deeply traumatic, for a variety of very specific reasons. If you are one of those people then I apologize for taking the piss.

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I was one of those children, yes. I wasn’t traumatized, but I don’t share the same concept of ‘home’ as my parents do (nor does my brother), and that’s okay. It isn’t something that has to be shared.

What I’m saying is that it isn’t nonsense to say that she could very well already be rooted in Spain, and it doesn’t follow that what would best suit OP would be better for her than remaining in Spain.

Flyswats · 16/05/2025 19:34

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:32

I’m speaking for myself as a child of emigrants. At 7 I certainly considered the country I was born and raised in to be my home, not a country I wasn’t.

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I think for some individuals, moving countries as children can be deeply traumatic, for a variety of very specific reasons. If you are one of those people then I apologize for taking the piss.

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:32

Flyswats · 16/05/2025 19:29

"some of us" yeah, right. You speak for the crowd of displaced women on this thread, a whole crowd of people, who as 7 yr olds were forced to move homes.

😂

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I’m speaking for myself as a child of emigrants. At 7 I certainly considered the country I was born and raised in to be my home, not a country I wasn’t.

Flyswats · 16/05/2025 19:31

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:26

I agree. In a few years, she may be though, that’s why i’m feeling the pressure to do it soon too

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7 is a good age to move. I think the hardest time is 10-13

We had to move with ours at ages 1 & 2 then 3 & 4, 7&8, 14 & 15

It was a bit harder at 7 & 8 than when they were tiny, but much easier with teenagers. And still teens now, they can barely remember that move when they were 7&8

PurpleThistle7 · 16/05/2025 19:30

It sounds like you just had very different expectations - you considered this some sort of an ex pat situation and he considered it immigrating. My husband and I went through the same as I said and he did ‘win’ and it absolutely worked out for the best. So I don’t think either of you are wrong, priorities shift when you have children and you just didn’t figure it out along the way

Flyswats · 16/05/2025 19:29

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:25

Because some of us were that 7 year old, and speak from personal experience.

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"some of us" yeah, right. You speak for the crowd of displaced women on this thread, a whole crowd of people, who as 7 yr olds were forced to move homes.

😂

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:28

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:23

There are no real employment prospects where we are, only tourism, she’d probably move away somewhere anywhere

I barely remember my life before 9/10, she would adapt and be fine. She benefits so much from being around her grandparents and having our families and that wider support, she dislikes her school and finds it hard with the language. There are so many things that would be easier and more beneficial for her in the uk. We wouldn’t always be scraping by for money either, as se often are here. Yes, there are beaches and sun, but that’s it.

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She would have far greater freedom to, as an EU citizen.

I remember mine quite well, and at that age I certainly considered the country I was born and raised in to be ‘home’, even if it wasn’t one I shared with both parents.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:27

PurpleThistle7 · 16/05/2025 19:26

I am sure your child will be best off with two parents who are relatively happy than in either country. So you need to find a way to live together or apart that has this as the centre goal

I agree, I cannot afford to live here on my own (could in the uk) ive told him this

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 16/05/2025 19:26

I am sure your child will be best off with two parents who are relatively happy than in either country. So you need to find a way to live together or apart that has this as the centre goal

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:26

Flyswats · 16/05/2025 19:24

I don't know why people are saying a 7 yr old is "rooted". That's such utter nonsense.

I agree. In a few years, she may be though, that’s why i’m feeling the pressure to do it soon too

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:25

Flyswats · 16/05/2025 19:24

I don't know why people are saying a 7 yr old is "rooted". That's such utter nonsense.

Because some of us were that 7 year old, and speak from personal experience.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:24

*Anyway, not anywhere

OP posts:
Flyswats · 16/05/2025 19:24

I don't know why people are saying a 7 yr old is "rooted". That's such utter nonsense.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:23

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:16

How are they better in the UK than in a member country of the EU?

That returning to the UK is something that would better suit you does not mean the same will apply to her. At 7 she is already old enough to feel rooted in Spain, and to consider it her home.

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There are no real employment prospects where we are, only tourism, she’d probably move away somewhere anywhere

I barely remember my life before 9/10, she would adapt and be fine. She benefits so much from being around her grandparents and having our families and that wider support, she dislikes her school and finds it hard with the language. There are so many things that would be easier and more beneficial for her in the uk. We wouldn’t always be scraping by for money either, as se often are here. Yes, there are beaches and sun, but that’s it.

OP posts:
JHound · 16/05/2025 19:20

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:49

There’s no way I could keep
someone somewhere feeling miserable for decades

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The reality is though one of you is going to be miserable. You want it to be him, he wants it to be you.

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:16

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:08

But then if when she’s older she wants to stay as would then be so attached? I wouldn’t ever move away from her. The prospects for her for the future are better in the uk. This is a great place when they’re little, but i’m thinking more of the future now

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How are they better in the UK than in a member country of the EU?

That returning to the UK is something that would better suit you does not mean the same will apply to her. At 7 she is already old enough to feel rooted in Spain, and to consider it her home.

faerietales · 16/05/2025 19:09

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 18:57

Wow, thanks.

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Sorry, I wasn't meaning to sound unsympathetic - I get you must be really struggling.

Discombobble · 16/05/2025 19:09

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:02

I know, but i’m worried then i’ll never get her out of here

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It’s you that wants to get out of there, not her. eU citizenship is a gift

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 19:09

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:01

He wouldn’t be though and he’s not said he’d be miserable, he’s worried how it will be and quite frankly, lazy and never makes decisions or can be arsed.
He’ll be near family, old friends, will earn more money, still a nice lifestyle where we’ll go, can speak the language more easily, can bring Dd up in our culture, have a bigger and better pension. We could even possibly keep our house here, rent it out for an amazing amount and come over for holidays, there are so many more pros than cons, but he’s not willing to even make a list or do anything about it, just to carry on like all is fine.

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He has made a decision though, hasn’t he? He doesn’t want to leave Spain and return to the UK, and has communicated that.

It doesn’t matter that you think he’d be fine in the UK - he doesn’t want to be in the UK. Your desire to return does not trump his desire to remain.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:08

Endofyear · 16/05/2025 19:03

But if he moved back to the UK and was feeling miserable that would be ok? There is no easy answer here, if I were in your shoes I would do my best to make a good life for yourself there until your daughter is older. Maybe visit your parents for a few weeks in the holidays and spend time with them or invite them out to stay with you.

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But then if when she’s older she wants to stay as would then be so attached? I wouldn’t ever move away from her. The prospects for her for the future are better in the uk. This is a great place when they’re little, but i’m thinking more of the future now

OP posts:
Flyswats · 16/05/2025 19:08

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 19:03

Do you want to leave?

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I didn't want to leave for a very long time, but now I do and we are, all of us going to live in the UK again shortly. I am nervous, but that's what we decided together. Well truthfully, my DH offered me the chance to decide, knowing I wasn't having the best time in the place we're currently living in (we've moved a lot).

I don't want to give away too many identifying details. I think your rationale about your DD going to school is a strong one. If she stays there, she is essentially going to be a part of Spain forever, full of the language and culture of it - it will be her "home" and she may not want to leave when she is older.

Because Spain is not far from the UK it is possible you could suggest making the transition back in stages, where you go and sort out stuff he doesn't want to deal with (sounds like this may well appeal to him, given your description).