How can I convince Dh to move back home?

it's hardly prison! i know it's not necessarily easy but if you have had a child there youve probably been there a decade or more? I find spanish people the MOST children focused people i have ever known... We are both not from UK, 2 dift countries live apart from family etc.. and it works, perhaps a DH problem underlying? Or having just one DC makes family feel incomplete?

Child of expats moved back (to ireland) aged 9. Traumatised me for decades . DP from america always from the beginning wanted to move back there i agreed, currently no desire to so do, also uprooting 3 BC unimaginable...

well it is crapper... what is the flight time?

I did not say unilaterally

The problem with such a move is if you do move and he is as unhappy as you say you are, then what? You move again? Keep moving until you both find somewhere you are happy?

It feels like you cannot see any cons in moving back to UK. He clearly does and you have just dismissed them as him being lazy .

Its a huge disruption and overhaul of your lives . Also, he doesn't have parents anymore. Your main reason for moving is to be close to your parents...he no longer has his so I can see why that isnt a big factor for him uprooting his whole life

Its a bit shit that he won't discuss it but ultimately, one of you has to not "win" with this...you cant half live in a place and I do think generally, the one why wants to stay should get more seay as moving abroad is a huge thing.

I think you need to work on being happy in Spain. For now take the idea of moving off the table as your are so focused on it, the fact it can't happen is making you more unhappy.

Throw yourself into what you can do and change. Can you plan longer and more holidays to uk? All learn Spanish? And then once your daughter is grown , and you still want to return to UK, you could do that alone.

I moved my dc aged 7 and 3 from UK to Australia. The 7 yo was definitely rooted in the UK. At 14 they still talk about it.

Moving to Australia was 💯 the right thing to do for my family (I'm from here, dh is Irish).

You are close enough to the UK to do regular trips home. We spent so much time in Ireland when in the UK that our eldest dc feels a really strong connection there. You could create the same for your dd.

It's hard OP, I know. Dh and I have never said any move is forever. We spent 10 years in the UK, have been in Aus now for almost 7 years, and I think at some point (when my dm and df have passed) we'll ping back.

Climate it’s obvious , culture because everything is done in family , or with family in mind . Schools are very different, from the time they run to the light of the school holidays , no uniforms . Children are accepted as part of society , nobody bats an eyelid if you have to taken with you somewhere like the doctor or if you take them to dinner at 9 pm .

But that is quite clearly not true because that is exactly what you want to do to your husband- you want him to return to the UK when he is adamantly against it. You are being a bit hypocritical, really- essentially you feel it is ok for him to be unhappy in the UK but if he won’t agree to move from Spain then he is being awful and trapping you there.

I understand why you are upset, but the real issue is that you can’t both get what you want and stay together. Therefore, you need to make a choice, bearing in mind the consequences of each option. You won’t get anywhere pretending that he is in the wrong and behaving terribly by not giving in to your wishes because you’d never put him in the same position, when that is patently not the case. You absolutely would, in a heartbeat, if what you have written here is any indication. You know it, he knows it, pretending otherwise just makes you appear disingenuous and as though you are attempting to be emotionally manipulative. It won’t help. I know that sounds harsh, but it is also a reflection of what you have said.

Neither of you are wrong- it’s absolutely understandable that you want to come back to the UK for all the reasons you have outlined and it is also entirely reasonable that your DH wants to stay where you have settled and he is happy. If you are to remain married, then one of you has to live somewhere you don’t want to, and that person may well be miserable if they cannot find a way to come to terms with the situation- however unpalatable you find that. I don’t think he is trapping you, anymore than you would be trapping him. It’s just an unfortunate situation where two partners want different things in a situation where there is no compromise.

I agree you may need one last discussion, with your cards on the table- but don’t threaten anything you won’t actually carry out in an attempt to get your own way- and remember you need to listen to him too. Then you need to accept his decision, just as he will need to respect yours. If your DH does not want to return to the UK then the only question is which do you want more- to remain married and living in Spain with your family, or return home (possibly alone) having ended your marriage?

Because it’s a very different culture climate , totally different way of living , from school to daily living , the way children are seen and treated .

I am very sympathetic to you OP

If I were you I would work on a sustained campaign to change his mind and persuade him, and also look into legal routes to move your daughter home without him. Even if it takes years, don’t give up.

What is it he likes about living in a tourist resort in Spain? Is he localised and integrated, speaking the language and taking part in the culture?

Off topic but dont think a uk citizen, even if born in Spain, can have Spanish citizenship… Spain has quite a few restrictions on dual citizenships

I live in Spain with similar aged kids. Are you honestly sure she’d be better off in the U.K.? The lifestyle for young children here is pretty amazing. And she’s presumably growing up bilingual which is a huge gift.

I agree it’s unfair of your husband not to engage in a conversation with you, but maybe you could look for a compromise here? What about returning for secondary school, or for GCSE onwards, when she’ll have that second language fully developed and won’t miss all the sunshine, playgrounds and beaches so much. And in the meantime you take her back to the UK as often as your jobs allow, give her a sense of her British roots as well.

Right now your positions both seem very all-or-nothing.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this OP. Keep bigging up the benefits and joys of the UK to your daughter, keep up her English and take her to see her wider family as often as you can and she might want to go back too. In the meantime do everything you can to develop your career, either by trying to find a pathway in Spain, working remotely, or starting your own business for expats or similar. Your husband sounds a loser - letting his family struggle financially and refusing to make changes that could improve your situation. What does he love about Spain? The weather? Golf? Doesn’t he miss his own family?

My DCs were older than yours when I brought them back to the UK without their DF. No regrets and the DC (now adults) are pleased that we left and have never viewed it as a bad move. They found new friends and integrated easily so I don't think that is always a big issue, but it may depend on the child and the support network. I had family to come back to. Career wise, it has been a bonus for the DC to have a useful second language from their early years abroad.

I was fortunate not to be married to my DP (DC's father) and I left without warning for good reasons. I was advised to go to court immediately I got to the UK to apply for sole parental responsibility. DP did contest it but was unsuccessful and only got visiting rights. This was a few years ago and it was probably much easier in my situation than for someone who was married and not suffering from the obvious DV that helped my case.

And I spent my entire childhood moving. I didn't feel "rooted" to any place, only to my family.

So we can agree to disagree, that it is not one shoe to fit every foot.

(FFS why are people still banging on about this)

There is quite a developmental difference between a (neurotypical) child of 5 and a child of 7.

But yes, some children are absolutely fine emigrating. Others aren’t. Insisting that ‘children adapt, she’ll be fine’ because it suits your narrative to do so does not make it true, any more than not wanting something to be true means that it isn’t. That the child may very well already be rooted in the country she was born and is being raised in is not something that can or should be dismissed outright as a serious consideration.

I was 5 years old when my parents moved us half way across the UK, I felt very uprooted at the time and for a while afterwards to.

Im with your hubby , no way would I I take my child from Spain that is completely family oriented to come to the uk . It will be a massive shock .

I don't imagine you're finding this conversation particularly helpful, op. So many tangents people want to go on.

I lived in another country until I was almost five - came back for school. I can barely remember anything about it and couldn’t feel more English.

A 7 year old can absolutely be rooted in the country they were born and raised in, and removing them from said country does not mean they’ll cease to consider it home. That the destination country is the home of a parent/their parent does not mean such a move cannot be harmful.

Some of us have been an emigrant child ourselves, and are speaking from personal experience. Something being inconvenient for you does not mean it isn’t true.

‘I want to return to the UK because it’s in the best interests of my child’ is an easier sell to both herself and others than ‘I want to uproot the life of my husband and child because I want to go home to the UK’. Acknowledging that it may not be in her child’s best interests would also mean having to accept that she’s prioritizing what she wants over what is best for her family, and/or coming to terms with giving up what she wants.

Although coming to terms with giving up what she wants seems to be something she will need to do.

This absolutely, and those posters telling her her dh is awful and terrible because he's not falling into line with what she wants aren't helpful.
The dd doesn't come across as unhappy, or not settled.
Op want to move comes across as inherently selfish, the move is for the better for her and for her parents.