When did parents stop being the boss

I'm 42 and had horrific anxiety as a teen and child. Absolutely terrible. Could barely function at times but had to so kept going. Imagine if someone had treated me with respect then and had sought therapy or shown me how to do self care rather than push through? That's what I want for my anxious kid. So he doesn't spend his 20s and 30s trying to figure that all out on his own. I didn't even know what amxietyw as until I was maybe 30 and called it 'that before exam feeling but about everything '

I agree with your first points but your example is where we would differ, and for me is where things have gone wrong.
I agree that children are as important but not more important and we need to teach how to balance individual and society needs.
My solution to an exhausted 3 year old and a full bus was to say to my child. ‘You are tired but so is this lady so you can sit on my knee (she’s a bit big)’ if that didn’t work I’d have given up my seat.

Their needs were being met but they were also being taught to think about the needs of others. That’s the lesson that is often being missed and is causing most issues in schools- everyone (pupils and parents) are so fixated on themselves that they fail to see things from anyone else’s perspective.

This is one of those things I struggle to understand when I’m online, quite often I will say “over my dead body will my child do X” or “why aren’t you saying no” only to get a pile on of “oh yeah I’d like to see how you force that”. And well….I do, my children aren’t my friends, there’s a hierarchy, they (on the whole, certainly when told directly) do as they’re told. Mine are teens now and one has AuADHD (so he will forget things a lot! More challenging to get him to remember instructions). But neither are defiant. Just as I wasn’t, or my brother, or DH from the sound of it.

We’ll sometimes negotiate of course, if I need them to do something we can discuss when it works for them, arrange a reward even. But what DH and say, goes.

when the smart phone was invented.

You say parents then blame mothers for men being unpleasant to women. Are you a man?

My kids go to a music schools that is by definition elitist in all senses of the word - financially, socially and educationally. It has a majority of wet lettuce parents (the remainder are very Asian style tiger parents). The rudeness of the wet lettuce parents’ kids is breathtaking, and the parents are so ineffectual it’s not funny. It’s no wonder some men have problems with women if they are so vile to their mothers as boys and allowed to get away with it. These kids don’t stay the course much beyond y4 as at that point you do need to actually do what you’re told to progress. You also see these kids being fed by their parents too - literally having bits of sandwich popped into their mouths.

Contrast to my kids’ much scruffier school where parents are perfectly capable of a shouted “NO!” and the behaviour is generally much better and the children are a bit more independent. A bit cheeky or lively at times but very rarely outright rude or defiant to an adult.

The problem is that in the past kids were punished for the tantrum, for expressing annoyance at sharing. That meant they held the feelings in and didn't tantrum so the parents were seen as in charge. I'll enforce sharing but if my child is upset about it I'll comfort them, which is the age appropriate response. Therefore my child is more likely to show they are upset. They still learn to share in an age appropriate way and manage their emotions rather than suppressing them. The goal is emotionally healthy children growing I to emotionally healthy adults. Not blind obedience and being seen as in charge.

I think the real problem is those who jump from one extreme to the other.
It is harmful to be too strict and punitive. It is harmful to allow children to go feral.
To be a good parent means to find the middle ground, where the child feels safe and happy and content, BUT is given clear boundaries. They have structure and duties that match their age and development. They are supported in those areas they struggle, like for example sharing toys. A good parent teaches a child to share their toys fairly, even if it means dealing with a tantrum and the naughty step or a chart and stickers or similar ( that needs to be fine tuned to each child's personality). If you just let them keep the toy, because it is their personal choice, then you are not preparing them for adult life and building a sense of togetherness, friendship and care in them.
They need rules and boundaries. Those can easily be given with kindness and care and love. But the lack of these leads to a very sad lost child. The less boundaries and structure, the worst the behaviour.

I’ve heard myself (more than once) say ‘who is the parent in this relationship?’, to one colleague in particular. She will say ‘yes, I’ve never really used discipline…’

Yep. It’s right there in a nutshell 🤦🏻‍♀️

This is your answer 🙄. Parents who confuse teaching children how to behave with thinking that they should have a say in everything they do. It’s why I don’t teach anymore.

This too, hugely.

I'm the boss in my house.

Yes, he have fun and I speak to my DC nicely, I ask before I tell, we do discuss things, but I have no qualms about pulling rank and what I say goes. If I ask for something to be do, I expect it to be done. The boundaries are clear.

Mine was my third! I was one of those people saying- they just need boundaries. If my third had been my first I would have thought I was a terrible parent (and he may have been an only!!)

Decline in community is a huge part of this. In a strong community being an asset rather than a drain carries currency. People wanted to do the right thing for the sake of the thing in itself being right. Other parents would intervene if necessary. Furthermore, there was a clear sense of right and wrong. Now we're in the land of "do whatever you want and don't judge", kids aren't stupid, they know the adults around them are terrified of other adults turning on them for trying to set a boundary.

Parents now want to be their child's best friend and a bestie doesn't parent. It's just plain lazy and not good for the child in question who actually feel reassured by boundaries. Some definitely try to compensate for not spending time with their child by saying yes to everything. When you spend a lot of time with your child and they feel loved It's easier to say no and be strict about certain things because that's not the majority of your interactions.

I think it’s the pendulum swing from when children didn’t have much of a voice in the household - now we’ve gone right over to the child’s voice is the dominant one.

Too many parents abdicate difficult decision-making (together with taking responsibility for those decisions) to children, because they’re terrified of getting it wrong so don’t want that in their shoulders. All under the guise of allowing their children choice, to be heard etc etc. they don’t seem to be able to see that their children simply don’t have the capacity to make and take responsibility for those decisions. And that can sometimes slide into neglect, because they think their kids are so grown up, can look after themselves (seeing this happen with one of DD’s friends).

And then we wonder why children’s mental health is so bad.

I have the answer to this one. Honestly I do. Parents stopped being able to parent their children when agencies and the general public intervened to say any punishment was unacceptable. Directly we decided as a society that an angry back and forth with a disobedient or unruly child was a marker for child abuse inside the house then we took all the power away from the parents.

Some of us had jobs where we had training and were able to find effective methodology to deal with our children and are still raising kids with decent manners (only just and often the manners are only seen outside the house). Some of us won the genetic lottery and just had kids with passive personalities that needed minimal correction. Then there was a load of us that were too busy, too distracted or tired and hoped the schools would do it for us as we didn’t have the tools.

I agree that there is some degree of luck involved because kids can just be very different. If I only had one of my children I would also feel quite smug about my marvellous parenting and boundaries, the others, less so. The same parenting might produce a different result in a different child.
i also think as a pp has said the nature of modern family life where both parents are working means the time you have together becomes more precious and there is less willingness to use that to prove a disciplinary point. This works both ways - parents and children are able to enjoy each other more, women especially have fulfillment outside of the home which may make them “better” mothers in some respects in that they feel less trapped by the relentlessness of childcare, but then there is also the flip side which probably does lead to some of the issues identified above.

Good point religion does bring a set of values that align with good behaviour . Could it considered ruling by fear- the threat of hell? A decline in community too and social media may factor in. It’s true that parenting methods have changed but so has society and both are influential.

Parents are very much still the boss in my family.

We also have a poor education system. One of the largest class sizes in the developed work, under resourced, expextations too high for some children and exhausted teachers.

If an adult has paid for a seat, a 3 year old should be on your lap.

Yes my point was some people work now then coast, some coast then fix. I would say it’s harder work long run to do the latter but it probably all comes out in the wash.