When did parents stop being the boss

This is it, you wouldn’t accept it from another adult, so why would you a teen?

Honestly? You won’t like my response, but I shouted. They were scared. I wasn’t violent, I just wasn’t afraid to show them when I was at the end of my tether. I didn’t let them run circles around me. Tech was removed, privileges removed. I asserted myself as the boss. I see my threats through. I also reward good behaviour, highly. I very, very rarely shout, but setting those firms boundaries earlier on means they don’t test them as they get older (well not far!)

I remember growing up and knowing what facial expressions of my mum scared me no end, she wouldn’t shout, or lift a finger, but it was just scary. You knew where you were. And I have that. And I think all parents should have that.

I know people think children shouldn’t be scared of their parents, but I vehemently disagree, I think until you’re mature enough to have learned respect and understand why we behave etc (which I can confirm myself, and my children very much have done) fear helps, you don’t need to rule on fear, but at the start, when they don’t understand, it helps.

Same. I’ve already warned my rather mouthy nine year old that the day he calls me a swear word will be the day he lives to regret that, as absolutely no one calls me a swear word to my face. My visceral reaction to that has led me to chase people in my twenties. So whilst I’m pretty relaxed about cursing generally and accept my teenager swears with his mates etc. No one will be calling me a biatch or a slag and not face some fierce reaction. That’s a hard boundary.

@Dwappy Oh absolutely, that is not on. In that situation I would have told my child as soon as he started that he cannot do that as the things do not belong to us and are needed for other patients - things may get broken and would be very expensive to replace or they may be dangerous and he may get hurt. We don’t touch other peoples things unless we are invited to do so. If my child couldn’t follow this then I would have taken it upon myself to leave the appointment, paid for it in full and apologised to you for the hassle.

I expect him to listen if he’s told no and stop doing whatever it is but I will always allow him to question if he doesn’t understand why he is being told no and I will always do my best to give an explanation.
And I would have taken a quiet toy/activity book or something to keep him occupied if I knew it was going to be longer than he could reasonably sit for.
Mine is 4.5 and would absolutely not have behaved like that in an appointment unless he was having a very very off day

I agree with this. You only have to watch children coming out of nursery and the number of parents who barely look up from their phones.

I think so much depends on personality. I have two sons and if I just had the younger one, I would feel the same as you - yes, sometimes he doesn't want to do something and there are toddler tantrums, but even at 3yo he's responsive to boundary setting and things like counting down from three and sharp looks.

The older one (aged 6) is a different story! If he's not in the right mood, heels get dug in over anything and he simply will not do what he is told. I try to pick my battles, but also if you have a child who simply will not (for example) go upstairs to bed when asked (and has always been like this), what do you do? I try to minimise physical intervention, because that's absolutely not a long term solution (it escalates the situation plus he's getting big and heavy!!), I'm totally opposed to corporal punishment. He doesn't react to punishments like screen time removal, in fact it winds him up to worse behaviour. He is getting a bit better as he gets older but fundamentally he's a much more defiant personality. He's had to have a few behaviour interventions at school - teacher reckons he's within the boundaries of normal for his age, just at the "strong - willed boy" end of the boundaries. Which was pretty much his first report from nursery at 18 months.

TLDR: it's not as simple as saying just "be the boss" and "set boundaries" with some kids!!!

Completely agree with this, we have a mental health crisis in young people, theres a lack of resilience and I do think we have to rethink how we have been told to parent tbh.

Some people seem to just want to 'be friends' with their children and don't seem to realise that they can be friendly but also teach them stuff like right from wrong.
My exh always went for letting our son do whatever he wanted when he was with him, and couldn't understand how come our son went to bed at a particular time etc and ate vegetables etc when he was with me. My exh just couldn't grasp the idea of setting some boundaries that were in a child's best interests.
Our son is an adult now. He doesn't hate me for the way I raised him and still visits frequently. We get on very well, and now he's an adult we ARE good friends. It doesn't have to be either/or

I think the next generation of parents are going to change how they parent again because they didn't grow up feeling safe with boundaries in place and secure that their parents were in charge. Children grow and explore and feel safe taking risk because they know that they can do so safely because their have experienced adults to provide a safety net. Or else they are going to not feel able to be parents themselves. Youth mental health issues are soaring and if that isn't down to how society is currently parenting what is the cause?

I think parenting advice has not been helpful in recent years. I have a 5yr old and now ignore it, tried gentle parenting and realised it was just not working for us.

I read this thing in twitter recently, 2 scenarios

1. get in the car we are going to see grandma and it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it.
2. I know you don’t like going to grandmas house but she loves you and will be disappointed if you don’t go

I think a lot of the parenting advice we get ends up with people taking the second approach which is actually really quite manipulative and dishonest. The first one acknowledges that seeing grandma is not what the child wants but also communicates that it’s tough shit and life is full of stuff we don’t want to do.

I think thats a microcosm of how people are encouraged to parent now, lots of discussion and negotiation. I spent a lot of time reading parenting books because I had a very dysfunctional childhood and I genuinely tried to implement it but tbh it just made things worse and left my DD feeling like no-one was in charge I think. Too much negotiation, too much navel gazing about stuff. I had an anxiety disorder myself and I actually think a lot of the more recent parenting advice would make fertile ground for anxiety to grow. Children shouldn’t see their parents being helpless, it’s scary.

I do think choosing your battles is reasonable. Too much screen time “nope” you want to jump in that puddle and you are going to have a shower anyway “yup, go for it”. I try to say yes if I can (I do forget this sometimes though).

I really respect the fact this generation is more aware of attachment and trying to help children feel safe to express emotions. Emotional regulation is really important. I work in older adult mental health, and honestly, a lot of that generation really struggle with this. I get women telling me their traumatic life stories, then in the same breath telling me they have no trauma and don't understand why they have mental health problems. And a lot of older men find it genuinely difficult to talk about and recognise their feelings.

However, I think we've taken gentleness slightly too far. You can help children to co-regulate, whilst maintaining boundaries. I also truly don't think everything single conversation needs to end up about emotions whenever you're asking them to do something. Children also need to learn that sometimes we just do things because we're told to, as we have to as adults in the workplace.

Children can absolutely voice and opinions on rules and they don't have to like them, and I'll always explain why I'm asking them to do something. But I'll still expect it to be done anyway lol. I hate the 'because I said so' mentality.

I also think people are too nervous to mess their children up now by using a firm tone or occasionally yelling. A secure and otherwise happy child will not be fucked up for life because you've yelled at them once a week or whatever.

I, respectfully but totally, disagree with you.
It’s all about parents reneging on their responsibilities because they don’t feel they have the right to instruct/guide/give boundaries to their children. Or rather, that’s the excuse they use.

Also, the family unit of parent and child is not a democracy. A parent is not there to be popular and liked by their children. The parent is there to help the child grow up into an independent and resilient individual. It is a good thing for children to be curbed and directed away from destructive behaviour and towards positive behaviour. Sometimes this involves saying no and meaning no. Sometimes it involves punishment- consequences for making poor choices.

My teen dd said to me that she observes in her peers that it’s the kids with harsher, stricter parents who are the ones more likely to be off doing stuff behind the parents backs. Essentially if they’re not afforded much respect by their parents, then it goes both ways.

Choosing your battles is a parenting skill but people are going to have different things they think need to be enforced or not. I see this even amongst my friends who have broadly similar parenting styles as me, there are still differences in what we think is important or where the boundaries will be placed. It depends on how we were parented ourselves and what things we prioritise and value.

Obviously some folk are just crap, lazy parents but you can certainly be the biggest boundary enforcer and be a terrible parent.

Not the same. This is conflating neglect and parenting. I know noone who would act like that.

Children are not adults, they deserve more grace for behaviours and emotions than adults do.

They do, absolutely but they also need support, guidance and correction - many parents are good at being gracious and much less able to do the latter.

Children do not pay the bills. They do not have adult agency or adult responsibilities, and should not be treated as if they do have those things.

Teenagers are (usually) only difficult when you haven’t set boundaries earlier on. We are gliding through the teen years, as my parents did with me, because we have set firm boundaries. It will be a cold day in hell before a child of mine swears at me or slams a door in my face, and if they try it, it’ll only be the once. This behaviour is normalised these days. It is NOT normal, and it is NOT acceptable.

I think teen years can be difficult for parents because developmentally teenagers need to be able to flex their muscles a bit - it’s part of them becoming their own person. So yes they’re going to push boundaries, for some parents that means loosening all the boundaries rather than having a few absolutes.

My two are 12 and 14, they know the bottom lines around respect and aggression - lots of things are up for discussion, but I do mean discussion not screaming, shouting tantrums. As it stands so far we have good, open relationships and they’re growing into lovely teenagers, I have no doubt we’ll have our challenges particularly as both kids have complex needs but they know there are lines they don’t cross.

Children are not adults. They are in a process of learning and growing. Part of their learning should be about kindness, graciousness and generosity. I'm talking about children and their parents giving up seats on public transport for the elderly and infirm. This often doesnt happen nowadays. A three year old should be taken onto a parent's knee if possible, if someone else requires a seat. Adults should model kind behaviour to their children.

Why do you think it's a good thing?

Who benefits from having badly behaved children?

Agree with this.

TL;DR

We have stopped hitting our children (great) but unfortunately haven't quite mastered the alternative way of doing things.

🙌🏼

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/childhood-narcissism/202410/how-permissive-parents-hurt-their-children

I do think you cannot afford to be laissez-faire nowadays with all of the distractions there are available. We spend way more time money and effort facilitating our older two's sport and training than many parents would be prepared to, precisely because it is wholesome and great for them mentally and physically. The difference between them and some of their friends who are 'allowed' a far more relaxed time of it is huge.

As a result, the youngest does get more screentime than some of his peers as we wait, drive etc...but he also spends a lot of evenings on the beach swimming while we wait, and sees that teenagers are busy and active etc. His expectation is that once he gets to around 12, he will be following in their footsteps.

Our middle only started last year, when we noticed that he was starting to 'red flag' a little in our estimation. So we didn't say anything directly, but worked hard pushing him into/towards some better options.