When did parents stop being the boss

It is part of growing up, which has shifted to a significantly younger age than before.
About choosing a life partner, that is something for grownups to do.

I completely agree with you. In the past parents were very much in charge.Now it's almost like it's seen as abuse and control if you try lay down some house rules. Or you be firm , or even raise your voice slightly. I'm struggling with my child , who says things like "if I don't want to I don't have to". "Is noone allowed to have opinions in this house" "you are so moody" , when I ask them to do something or I will tell grandma, or just start moaning and saying you don't like me. I'm very worried for my child. I often feel really guilty if I raise my voice, they make out they are so hard done by and I'm somehow toxic , if I say anything they don't like. I am a very warm, kind and affectionate mother and I try my best with boundaries and I always respond to situations calmly first time round , but they push and push until I snap.
When you say just take charge, I'd honestly love to take a leaf out of your book. Do you have any advice? Because I certainly feel no matter how hard I try this child is adamant they will not be listening. I feel there are some traits of oppositional defiant disorder. It doesn't help I'm a single mother with no support , noone to back me up actually his older teenage brother encourages it . It's very hard

You only hear a bit of their lives, op, no doubt they are assertive at times and in different ways. I was an easy going parent, gave my son choices, was sympathetic to his feelings, what was important to him at the time and we would discuss things but I, and husband, also set some boundaries. I received criticism occasionally (from people like grandparents, but we wore that with no problem. Mine will be 46 this year and is fine, has a great career, plenty of friends and is a very kind person with.a highly developed social conscience.

You have to live with people to know how their family and home dynamic works and, certainly, nobody should judge someone else's parenting unless they are obviously abusive. The ones you know will no doubt turn out fine, it's not your business.

I love my dc with all my heart but I’m their parent not their friend.

I believe lazy gentle parenting also has a lot to do with it and fear of using the words naughty or no. If my dc walloped another child at playgroup, I certainly would not be just telling them ‘kind hands’. I would be removing them from the area.

Parents have always picked their battles. I think there are completely unprecedented levels of infringement on family boundaries and parents are exhausted by having to edit and curate their children's lives so energetically to put risks and dangers at bay and just give up.

When I was little in the 1970s there was barely any children's TV. We read books, rode our bicycles, played board games and in the gardens of neighbouring children. Weekends were spent with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins or hanging out while our parents gardened and decorated. Our parents didn't have to energetically curate our environments to keep us safe.

We did this as well - they're consider polite well mannered and helpful people.

I see many insist that kids are too young to learn how to behave - I think it's easiest when they are young.

But as other posters have said childcare and both parenst working can mean overindulgence when they spent time together for some parents - by no means all.

I do see a lot of ineffectual parenting - often trying complex reasoning with very young kids or flapping round but not being very clear about what's needed so kids ignore.

I'm nearing 60, and no, we never shouted or hit. We talked to them, respected them, explained our rules and boundaries (sometimes realising that they were a bit random and could use re-thinking), listened to them, chose our battles and enjoyed spending time with them. I'm not saying every minute was fantastic - it wasn't, but we tried to approach being parents with thought and care.

Maybe we were just lucky, but we weren't overly strict and didn't have any real issues with any of our 3 and they're all productive members of society and we still love spending time with them as young adults.

My husband grew up in a very authoritarian household and there was lots of arguement, lying and trying to avoid blame and consequences. It worked out very badly for one of his siblings.

Adding that we did, however, have routine and structure and family dinners whenever possible.

This. I wonder what went wrong with this better understanding routine? 🤷‍♀️

Children need boundaries and to be taught to respect others.

I wholly agree with @BigFatLiar
Even my teen DCs think that this is a problem too. One of them has now actually said they could understand why we put boundaries in place and didn’t act as their friend.

You don’t say how old they are (sorry if I missed it if you did) but think that’s relevant. Are your DC younger or the same age?

This type of approach I would see as more appropriate to older teenagers, who respond better to and learn more from a guidance approach rather than a lights off enforcement.

To a greater extent teens need scope to learn from their own mistakes eg: cope with impact of late night because they were up scrolling TikTok.

If you are speaking about ‘wishy washy’ parenting of young DC, it’s simply a parenting choice by your friends. You can either accept their parenting style is different from yours or pick new friends with more similar values.

Stopping physical punishment in schools in the mid-80s, the children’s act in 1989 plus more recently the gentle parenting movement are broader contexts.

I'm in my mid 40's and my parents didn't think I should be obedient, they encouraged me to think for myself so it isn't a new way of thinking IME. Equally, I only had one friend who was smacked as a little child in the late 80s. And as teenagers we didn't have any of these American imported ideas of punishments like 'Grounding'. Maybe my friendship group was unusual, I doubt it though. As part of her job in the early 80s my Mum did complete physchology courses on child development, which informed her parental techniques, I woul imagine that was exceptional in those days but I still didn't know a majority of children that were shouted at and hit. The well known (in the neighbourhood) badly behaved child was regularly shouted at so I don't think it worked!

YOu're not goign to agree with me and I'm not going to agree withyou. But, for the record, I think small children should be on laps when there's too few seats and children older than about 10 should give up their seat (assuming they are capable of standing). I think that this kind of respect and kindness and general rules is a nice thing to do and have. I don't really know when it became such a contentious issue but I suspect that this will be another one of this things that divides the world into people I want to be friends with vs people I don't. And that's fine.

So....due to unfortunate circumstances....I was the only parent to my two now adult children...I had to be tough but also loving....both are amazing people who I'm SO proud of....they have very important jobs...can't say ..out too outing.. ..but I now have the pleasure of helping with childcare for my grandchildren....as I've been told MANY time that I was a strong caring MUM ...but you really need to be the Boss ...Little people and even more so teenagers need structure..too many young parents have been failed by they own parents....and so on...x

Yes, for all that I love my parents dearly, they were not always the most emotionally in tune. A product of their time and they were doing their best. They certainly talked a lot more about stuff than the preceding generations where things were really hushed up and brushed under the carpet.

There's a reason there is a backlash against gentle parenting. Because by and large, it is too permissive. I think the idea of it and behind it is good, but the day to day reality of it is kids running rings around parents.

I'd say 90% of the population absolutely already are understanding of children having less regulated behaviour and emotions. We all indulge and understand tantrums, tiredness, lack of concentration.

Much of the world sees the Western approach to child rearing as very bad and I would argue that the gentle parenting approach is peak bad using this lens.

'There’s a tendency to view children in the UK, and in the Western world in general, as incompetent and dependent. But this isn’t the case throughout the world. In many societies children work and contribute to the family in whatever way that can from a very early age.'
Different cultures, different childhoods | OpenLearn - Open University

My Mum made a similar comment recently and how she wouldn’t have been able to behave like my 13 year old niece is.

But it struck me - my Mum only tolerated her Mother and her sibling was estranged for 30 years before her death.

So maybe parenting in that way isn’t so great after all. Unless you’re happy that your kids have no real relationship with you once they have a choice.

But if you're going to go there - then why wouldn't you assume that the adult standing has an invisible disability? Or is suffering from vertigo? Or is newly pregnant and feeling sick?

A small child with an adult whose hand they can hold, or whose lap they can sit on, probably has other options. As does every other adult - I guess my point is just that we can all use whataboutery for every single instance and we can use it till the cows come home. This example there isn't a right or wrong answer.

You've reminded me of a public information film we were made to watch in primary school in the 80s called 'Building Sites Bite'.

Lots of different scenes of a kid exploring various things on a building site, and ending up dead in all of them. I remember at one point he was crushed by the wheels of a giant vehicle.

I was only about 7, had nightmares for weeks!

We were left to roam wild back then, and come back when it got dark. My experience was that the adults didn't want to hear about our problems, or really have much to do with us at all. There were absolutely as many mental health problems back then especially as teenagers, we just said nothing to our parents, and had to deal with it ourselves. I have made damn sure that I have a better relationship with my daughters.

That’s rubbish. I had strong boundaries with my children 20 odd years ago and I had certain expectations of them. We didn’t have a house where people screamed at each other or hurt each other-I’d say it was pretty relaxed. My now grown son says he used to think I was a bit mean sometimes-like not letting them have Cola when their friends did but he’s now glad. Children don’t have the experience and ability yet to be able to make life choices so a good parent needs to do it for them.

My children are in their 30s, their partners and friends are in their 30s and they all have great relationships with parents

Why would a child give a seat to an adult? Preteen children are smaller and weaker than adults, and less able to stand for long periods of time, especially on an unstable surface. They are also more likely to seriously hurt themselves if they fall. If it's a question between a 12 yo and a frail old lady then maybe, but in that situation there's probably lots of able-bodied adults that could give up a seat.

Obviously that's not good parenting but I think a big part of the reason that happens is because he knows that people (like you) are watching and judging the whole time and just wants the tantrum to end so people stop staring.

I once had to carry/drag DD (4 at the time), kicking and screaming, out of The Works because she wanted a cheap toy, the whole shop was staring and to make it worse, one person said, "Aw!" and another said something like, "Ooh, you're a stronger woman than me!" in a judgey tone, as if by not giving in to the demands to buy a £2 lump of plastic I was being an unduly harsh parent.

Other times I have given in before it escalated to that and had some judgey looks for that too, so you can't win with strangers in shops.

DD is now 5, well behaved 90% of the time but still extremely strong willed.

@Barnbrack NOW it is. Your very first comment is not.

And you disagreed with one of my comments that I have asked you about as I don't actually see that it's relevant...unless what you're saying is that you made an assumption from my post of the way I parent my children?

How sad that there are only 2 ways to parent.

1. control, force, shout, hurt children.
2. let them do what they want, when they want, with no boundaries.

oh, hold on a minute...