When did parents stop being the boss

There were and are plenty of mental health issues in my generation (X). People buried them and "dealt with it" (i.e. not dealing with it and making it worse) with drink and drugs, as a lot of boomers and silent generation did too.

I don't find at all that younger generations think they are the only ones to get it right. Quite the opposite, they are always being roundly criticised by older people thinking they got it right and the younger generation have it all wrong. As per the premise of this thread, and several a day popping up all over Mumsnet and elsewhere. It's like whackamole.

@Barnbrack Absolutely this. We have strong boundaries and some things are absolutely non-negotiable but I will always allow my DC to question things - even from other adults and to share their feelings etc

You lay the ground work from the start. Good luck if you haven’t established a good mutually respectful parent in charge whilst listening to child dynamic by the time they hit teen years. It’s too late by then.

Depends what age they are. When they are teenagers you pick your battles.

My parents were born in the 1930s, had me in the 1970s and were not authoritarian with me. Didn't need to be. Then as a teenager I had nothing to rebel against and I could tell my mum anything. We've tried to do similar with DDs, and while of course they have boundaries, we've not had huge battles.

I remember people laughing at me in the 2000s for negotating with DD1 in particular how many biscuits she could have or how many forkfuls of food as a toddler, or over what she would wear. But that's my parenting style, with my child - I can't do anything else and she can't be anything else. DD2 is a different personality, more laid back, but required a different approach - you adapt, as a thoughtful and involved parent.

We have a fantastic relationship, all of us and they are lovely young women, so I can't see that we went particularly wrong. Of course you always make mistakes, we're human.

We have had this conversation! We have always been very much in charge and never put up with our children being rude to us.

We are known in our friendship circle for being “lucky” that our teens are lovely and polite to us. Funny that.

I think key it's parents who want to be their children's friend rather than their parent.

The move away from physical discipline has led to this

BUT - not because physical discipline was good. It was just easy.

The reality of parenting, teaching, and any form of discipline is that doing it in a reasoned way is challenging. And a lot of people just can't or won't. It takes far far more consistency, thought, patience, time, effort, knowledge etc. to maintain authority through reason/compassion, rather than fear.

When done well, it is 100% the best approach. Modern non-physical authority IS better than traditional fear-based authority.

But..

Fear based authority is better than no authority.

And that is the problem. If a parent or teacher can't use fear... but isn't willing or capable of creating reasoned authority, then you end up with out of control children in families + classes.

Putting it into school contexts.

Great inspirational reason based authority > Physical fear based authority > No authority.

The problem that a lot of "older" generation do correctly identify this problem, but then conclude that we need to go back to Physical discipline.

When in reality we need far more training, time, support for parents to learn how to parent, rather than just presume everyone is capable of automatically creating reasoned authority with children. (And equally far more training, support, and resources for teachers, smaller classes, more time to prepare etc.)

Are you saying you never shouted or hit? What punishment did you use when your children misbehaved? You, personally, how did you manage things? And I'm 42 so have experience of parents in their 60s

What nonsense! My parents didn’t treat us like that and I didn’t treat mine like that . There was always respect and boundaries and that’s how it should be. My grandchildren run circles around their parents and there’s always chaos ! Cant say its for the better !

Well I have 3 (almost) adult dc. I was probably pretty strict with them in the early years. But a they became teenagers I relaxed and treated them more as mini adults. Worked well for us. I felt they needed boundaries and rules when young,but the ability to have more independence as soon to be adults.

Utter rubbish! I'm in my sixties and my parents, and my friends' parents, didn't behave the way you mention. Pretty sure my parents would have agreed with me about their own parents.

As usual, the younger generations think they are the only ones to get it right - and yet look at all the MH issues young people have these days. There have always been good parents and bad parents, and there always will be.

I think:
a) parents have always picked their battles to some degree
b) today’s parents are responding to their parents being authoritarian for no reason over petty things

Absolutely! But the problem with the op is 'when did parents stop being the bsos' well when we realised blind obedience isn't the be all and end all. And it's not about 'friendly but strict' we have very strong boundaries in our house but the kids are allows to question things, allowed to have feelings about things and voice those. They are as important as random adults out and about. So if my 3 yr old is exhausted and needs a seat on a bus, she doesn't have to give up that seat to an able bodied adult for instance. Children are not adults, they deserve more grace for behaviours and emotions than adults do.

You can't expect age inappropriate behaviour and in the past parents beat said behaviour into kids.

I am a huge believer that you can be friendly with your children and strict. I have a teen and a baby and I am strict enough my my eldest, and have been and there are boundaries she does not cross - I’ve got that “mum look” nailed down (that look you give in public that reminds them that you are still the boss when they are acting out) but at the same time we have amazing conversations, outings and I listen to her wants, and accommodate the ones I can within reason.

You can do both, but somewhere down the line we forgot this. To the point where many children have little respect for their parents and have zero boundaries.

It’s sad. Yes children and young people are human beings, and should be treated like one , but they are not adults and their brains are still developing and we as adults have a role to play in making sure we are giving them the tools to be those adults. I think things went downhill when adults lost sight of the fact that children will grow up and become contributors to society, and to be a contributor you have to learn specific tools and ways of being - this generation of parenting treat children as if they will be children forever.

I think it happened when we started seeing children as human beings in their own right and now little robots to be controlled and forced to act how their parents wish for an easy life. Probably around the time most parents stopped hurting and screaming at kids as the first line of parenting

It’s been a gradual change, but is strongly associated with when phones became appealing, and available 24/7 with loads of content. It’s just such a strong driver for so many children, it’s an uphill struggle getting them to do other things when mobile devices are such a pull.
Also ties in with parents using less physical punishment for children, and generally being nicer to children. So children are less fearful of their parents, and authority. This is a good thing, but makes it harder for many to assert authority than it would have been in previous generations.