When did parents stop being the boss

Yes of course it’s my opinion. It’s a forum which invites opinions??!! I don’t see you providing evidence that supports what is presumably your opinion that they aren’t continuing to drop? Yet you appear to want me to?

Uhuh.

I don't consider my self my son's boss. I consider myself to be responsible for him and his development.

Parents make the mistake of constantly repeating themselves without following through. I time and time again hear parents say please do this please do that and no consequences when children ignore them.

Totally agree with @whynotmereally. I have two sons and frankly one can be reasoned with and the other can't!

I’m not sure it’s lazy to raise a child as you describe. I find it far more relaxing to live with polite well behaved children. It’s more about if you’d rather put the work in so you can relax later or relax now and deal with the fallout. Your group seems to comprise of the later take on life and their children are following suit.

i could say well done… but I will instead say that a lot depends on the temperament of the child/young person in question.

One sibling can be a handful and other like you describe.

Parents are uncomfortable with the sensation of saying no. So they say yes or back down. Kids are more and more comfortable with tantrums, even in public and taking liberties. To avoid a scene parents back down. A lot more parenting is done publicly than when I was young, we never went out as a family near as much as my grandkids do now.

Rather than external force - how about aligning their will? I wonder how much this has to do with the decline of religion

Since parents realised it was socially acceptable to abdicate their responsibilities

I think children now are just much more aware of how the world works.

The key is to be a very focused parent in the early to teenage years, instil excellent daily habits, routines, lead by example, surround them with good role models, for goodness sake feed them good food not fried crap, talk to them a lot! By the time they are teens fingers crossed they will have good foundations.

Alot of parents ruled by fear in previous times, (some still do) threatening to smack the small human is the easiest way to claim control. Children tend to conform if they are scared.

Parenting breaks down into three area -

Threat - do xyz or you will get snacked/lose toy/ grounded etc
How successful this is depends on the consequences and how good the parents are at sticking too them. A smack would be quite affective, losing a toy or not being allowed to go out it depends how bothered they were about tge toy/activity in the first place. Whilst loss of treat etc is a suitable consequence it may not hold ground enough to prevent a reoccurrence.

Bribery/reward - can work quite well in the moment but can be tricky to manage and is unlikely to prevent future attempts.

Reasoning - this is the best method but takes a lot of time and patience. It also relies on the child being old enough to understand and being the personality type that likes to please /conform.

Basically it’s been recognised in the past twenty years that smacking/threatening children leads to attachment issues/poor mental health so it generally not used so much. This coupled with the fact tgat other methods do not always work effectively and often both parents work so a lot of the raising of children is taking place in childcare provision which will not be consistently good.

Some parents will have a relatively easy child who conforms / keen to please so they will smugly say it’s down to the parenting. When really it’s a combination of parenting/extended support /influence/life circumstances/personality .

I live in a nice area and socialise with a lot of parents. These are well educated people who have achieved some degree of success in their lives and live in relative comfort. No SEN and a lot of the time the children are onlies.. It’s a fairly self selected group though isn’t it? You are describing a very niche part of society. Rich, educated and no disability or other vulnerability and no siblings either. You have decided these parents are doing a rubbish job compared to who exactly?

True but at least kids went to school.
And we have such anxiety in some teens now

They aren't continuing to drop, that's your opinion. What boundaries did kids have in the 1960s and 1970s when they were out from dawn till dusk and the parents didn't know where they were? There were so many neglectful parents that a huge series of public information films had to be made about dangers that should have been absolutely bleeding obvious if parents remotely gave a shit and actually wanted to spend time with their kids.

My opinion is when both parents had to work full time outside the home often long hours with a commute and kids were put into creches all day every day. Then the guilt of doing that parents spoiled their child, didn't want to upset them so they started easing off on parenting. Some kids spend more time in creches then they do with the parents.
Parents then didn't know how to parent, they want to be their kids "bestie's" and let them do what they wanted. Then those kids became parents and because they knew no better the cycle continued but got a bit worse.

They always look to their peers for acceptance, whatever you do. It's part of growing up. Ultimately, they usually choose one of their peers as a romantic partner (though it's not obligatory) and have their own family/household (whether that's made up of people, pets, etc) and that choice becomes more important than the parental relationship.

There is a very good book, called ‘The war for children’s minds’ that addresses this. The difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting. I based my parenting style on this book. I grew up in an abusive environment and that’s all I knew, but I also knew I didn’t want that for my own DD.

Someone on here recommended The Explosive Child so I listened on Audible.

Basically in terms of discipline there are 3 responses for parents:

1. Allow the behaviour - say a toddler wants to run around the living room playing, no inherent dangers, no risks.
2. Reason with the child the behaviour is unacceptable - say toddler wants to run around the living room holding a pair of scissors.
3. Stop the behaviour as it is dangerous - say toddler tries to pick up a steaming hot cup of tea.

I fundamentally believe in teachable moments as a parent but I would never allow my kids to hurt themselves to learn that lesson.

My toddler is 4 and largely responds well to this type of parenting.

It's not for every child and I'm sure some bystanders have their opinions but who cares.

I read a quote once that said "of course you think you could parent that screaming child in the restaurant better. That's how the human race survives, everyone thinking they could be a better parent. Until you find out no you bloody well can't".

I was one such person and now I know it's not that simple.

Great response

This, absolutely this. And children need boundaries and lots of love. Boundaries help children to feel secure and if they feel secure they'll be happier and more able to manage challenges and behave in a more socially acceptable way.

I recently read a book (Hold on to your kids, by Neufeld and Mate) which purported to answer this question.

The answer is: when the kids started looking more to their peers than to us adults for acceptance.

Lack of discipline as kids learn quickly they can get away with stuff. So they do. Which doesnt bode well for doing what they are asked in the school or workplace in later life.

Lack of parenting as it’s easier to be the kids friend.
My neighbours was pleading with her four year old in the street to “come in now it’s time for bed, it’s 10pm, please, mummy’s tired, please darling”. That shouldn’t have happened. Dont negotiate with a four year old. Get him/her told. The kid’s growing up now and is in secondary school and is a total brat who has no respect and doesnt do as she’s told at home. Am I surprised no.

And will I be surprised if she parents how she was patented no. Parenting standards will continue to drop in successive generations as it’s hard as nobody sees what goes on to step in and sort it so the poor parenting continues and society changes.