When did parents stop being the boss

It's not a case of adults being more important than small children. Nobody thinks a toddler should be forced to stand on the bus so an able-bodied young adult can sit. But when I was a child it was accepted that children of all ages would be carried at reduced price and the quid pro quo was that if the bus was crowded younger children sat on the lap of the adult they were with, so that an adult could sit and more people could be squeezed on and not left behind at the stop. (Little ones might also end up on the lap of a complete stranger too - most women were perfectly happy to help out in that way.) Older children who could stand safely were expected to do that so that an adult could sit down. They took up less space standing than an adult, so there was logic to that too.

It did no harm that I know. It instilled in children the idea that they needed to be looking out for others and thinking of their comfort. This was a good thing.

Why should someone give you their seat? Why are you more important than a small child? When a child would be more injured than you when standing of the bus jolts etc? That attitude is exactly the problem with parenting in the past. Which everyone here seems to think was great.

Why should someone give you their seat? Why are you more important than a small child? When a child would be more injured than you when standing of the bus jolts etc? That attitude is exactly the problem with parenting in the past. Which everyone here seems to think was great.

I agree, a child small enough to be on a lap should be on one, and an older child should stand if they can so an adult can sit. It's respectful, that's all.

I am a huge believer that you can be friendly with your children and strict. I have a teen and a baby and I am strict enough my my eldest, and have been and there are boundaries she does not cross - I’ve got that “mum look” nailed down (that look you give in public that reminds them that you are still the boss when they are acting out) but at the same time we have amazing conversations, outings and I listen to her wants, and accommodate the ones I can within reason.

You can do both, but somewhere down the line we forgot this. To the point where many children have little respect for their parents and have zero boundaries.

It’s sad. Yes children and young people are human beings, and should be treated like one , but they are not adults and their brains are still developing and we as adults have a role to play in making sure we are giving them the tools to be those adults. I think things went downhill when adults lost sight of the fact that children will grow up and become contributors to society, and to be a contributor you have to learn specific tools and ways of being - this generation of parenting treat children as if they will be children forever.

Yes but I find the obsession with being boss and overpowering quite odd to be honest.

I think it's also relevant that circumstances alter cases. A parent can be strict but loving, be dealing with their own issues or whatever.
Some people just are not very nice. So your grandmother might have been a horrible person or your mother and sister may have driven her distracted
(hypothetically).

I agree, a child small enough to be on a lap should be on one, and an older child should stand if they can so an adult can sit. It's respectful, that's all.

It's not a Gen X thing. For centuries especially if rich children would have been sent away sometimes from.newborn age to live elsewhere.

If you're in your 30s I'm guessing your parents were boomers or Gen X and I agree re trauma being passed down. I'm Gen X myself (in my late 50s), and imo (and this is not intended as an excuse for crap parenting) we were parented in a way that didn't equip us brilliantly to be parents ourselves. The emphasis was on keeping your kids alive, fed and out of trouble till they were old enough to fend for themselves. Little emphasis on emotional support or nurture, at least in my experience and that of most of my friends. There was love but it was shown a lot less. A lot of us weren't as close to our mums as many people are now, because you grew up with the idea that your parents were authority figures first and foremost. I don't have kids myself, and I often think that's just as well because I wasn't given much of a blueprint for parenting lovingly. My parents loved me a lot and they did show it in their own ways, but attempts to confide in my mum about emotions would be shut down rapidly. A lot of people of my parents' age (Silent Generation, which kind of speaks for itself really rueful smile) really weren't in touch with their own emotions and certainly didn't believe in discussing them, or other people's, even their children's.

Like I said, it's not an excuse for toxic parenting. If people really don't think they can emotionally nurture children then they shouldn't have any. I'm just trying to provide some possible context as to why there might be so much NC'ing of parents my age and slightly older.

My opinion is when both parents had to work full time outside the home often long hours with a commute and kids were put into creches all day every day. Then the guilt of doing that parents spoiled their child, didn't want to upset them so they started easing off on parenting. Some kids spend more time in creches then they do with the parents.
Parents then didn't know how to parent, they want to be their kids "bestie's" and let them do what they wanted. Then those kids became parents and because they knew no better the cycle continued but got a bit worse.

My Mum made a similar comment recently and how she wouldn’t have been able to behave like my 13 year old niece is.

But it struck me - my Mum only tolerated her Mother and her sibling was estranged for 30 years before her death.

So maybe parenting in that way isn’t so great after all. Unless you’re happy that your kids have no real relationship with you once they have a choice.

And that's the answer to the original question! From one extreme to the other and probably thinks she's a wonderful parent.

I think it happened when we started seeing children as human beings in their own right and now little robots to be controlled and forced to act how their parents wish for an easy life. Probably around the time most parents stopped hurting and screaming at kids as the first line of parenting

I disagree with this. I was brought up to think for myself and because of that I didn't give into peer pressure and do things like start drinking and smoking at 14 years old (like all my friends were doing). If you teach your kids to question they will also transfer this into their life choices.

I agree, a child small enough to be on a lap should be on one, and an older child should stand if they can so an adult can sit. It's respectful, that's all.

YOu're not goign to agree with me and I'm not going to agree withyou. But, for the record, I think small children should be on laps when there's too few seats and children older than about 10 should give up their seat (assuming they are capable of standing). I think that this kind of respect and kindness and general rules is a nice thing to do and have. I don't really know when it became such a contentious issue but I suspect that this will be another one of this things that divides the world into people I want to be friends with vs people I don't. And that's fine.

I have 3 young adult children. Their feedback is that DH and I did parenting well. Our DD tells us that she always felt listened to and heard.

I think we were fairly strict re: bedtimes, manners, and always eating meals as a family around a table. They had quite outdoorsy childhoods and we encouraged all their sporting, and arty hobbies. There was a lot more laughter than angst and their friends were always here.

We were not that bothered about school stuff, I think people get too hung up on assessments and grades etc. Mental wellbeing always came first, so we would occasionally let them have a duvet day if we thought they needed it. We even skipped off to the seaside for a week in term time now and again and they still managed to all get good degrees and professional jobs.

Did we smack them? Absolutely not.
Did we shout at them? Yes, and they weren't afraid to shout back! Teenagers test boundaries.

Sometimes having a row clears the air, it blows over and is quickly sorted. Being too polite to argue can lead to simmering resentment (as witnessed in DHs family). My background is Irish and I'd say the Irish have a tendency to express emotions quickly, openly and authentically.
Our DCs are best mates with each other and with us so I think we did ok.